Follow Up

Oh how I love my little guy! Nothing has ever made me happier in my life! I don't think it even is possible for anything else in the future! What is better than an infant/toddler laughing every hour of every day? What is better than being entertained by my son acting goofy on purpose? (Last night he was turning around in circles in his diaper and falling down.) The innocence, the sweetness. . .coming over to hug me and wanting me to hold him - he's wanted me to do this the past couple of nights before bed, and as I rock him I think of what a gift it is to do it. . .what a gift he has been to me these past twenty-three months. Without him my life is almost empty and meaningless. So, I couldn't be more thankful for him -- but I don't really like the way that last part sounds because, yes I am happy right now, but would I be without him? I don't want him to ever think that is his job or that he needs to be those things in my life. He has his own separate path and all that really matters is that he is happy (which he is right now), just as everyone should be on their own.

That brings me to now explain/follow up March 5th's post (thus, it's a long post today). Not the details, because I don't want to expose other people's private info and family secrets -- but basically, I discovered a lot of truths about where I came from, my past, and talked to several people I hadn't spoken to in 17 to 22 years who filled in the missing puzzle pieces of my life! (Which reminds me, my autobiography posts will start this Thursday.)

I had no idea I've been walking around in chains. . .chains that I put on myself. Once I was able to make sense of everything and everyone, the chains lifted. Clarity. Freedom. Understanding how I got to this place, and why I've felt and thought the way I have, makes me able to move forward in a different and much healthier way than I ever have before. (I don't believe there is a right or wrong way to do things, just right or wrong for individual people.)

So many questions and endless possibilities are now ready for me to answer and experience. I've never been ready before. Too fearful. Maybe it was turning thirty, but I have no fear now -- what a fabulous feeling!!!!!

Time to live my own life and be my own person. It's going to take years for me to get everything into place. After all, it's been over seven years that I've been letting life happen for me. Life's been great and gone exactly according to the plan I made over seven years ago, but last week I read another book -- this one called Roaring Lambs by Bob Briner that opened my eyes that it's time to make a new plan. I used to think a lot about where I wanted my life to go, but I stopped once I got married (aside from knowing I wanted children). It's been nice "being in the moment" but there's nothing wrong with thinking about the future, too. (And I don't mean just with new year's resolutions.)

I received the book for Christmas 1999 because I thought it would help me with what I wanted to do in the broadcasting business. (I was a sophomore in college at the time.) The author was a Christian in the mainstream TV media, and my hope as a TV journalist was to spread positive messages, tell inspiring stories, and focus on the good -- not all of the depressing, bad stuff that takes over the news. Over ten years later I finally read the book and that was indeed the message (being a light in the dark) -- but I was wrong about it being for TV journalists. This book is written for writers! (Although anyone in "the arts" would enjoy it, as he covers artists, photographers, actors, etc. as well.)

Here's my truth: for 10 years I was passionate about being a TV reporter/anchor. From ages 12 to 22 my life revolved around this. I interned for two summers for the biggest radio station in Iowa and then got a job right out of college at a TV station.

I sometimes wonder had I worked somewhere else - somewhere that I'd had a positive experience - if maybe I would have continued in that field. But it was such an awful experience that I felt it had to do more with being my authentic self rather than where and who I worked with. When I quit three months later, there wasn't a part of me that wanted anything more to do with being a TV reporter, nor have I ever missed it or felt curious/interested since then. That ship definitely sailed.After the summer of 2002, I got a job at another TV station, only I was a tape editor. Loved the people, loved the adrenaline rush of having one of the most important jobs during the live newscasts (imagine newscasts without video to accompany the anchors/reporters or something going wrong with the video), and loved working on my own (I had my own room with edit machines and I was free to edit the video that the photographers had recorded however I wanted, as long as it went along with the news copy, and I put the tapes into the decks at the exact moment they played on-air. . .it was a dance: tape 1, tape 2, tape 3, tape 1, tape 2, tape 3). I never had one bad day. I didn't even mind the hours (I worked 2 to 11 pm) because I am a night person.

But, it wasn't something that I could do long-term if I wanted to make family my first priority (which I did). I was getting married in April 2003 and Joe was certain we'd be moving from Iowa because there weren't any jobs there in his profession. Sure enough, that's what happened. Two weeks before we were married he started his job in Nebraska and I quit mine at the TV station.

When I moved here, I sent my resume to all of the television stations, radio stations, and even libraries! But the job market was awful that year for everyone I knew looking for a job, so it wasn't surprising that I only heard back from one.

It was a Christian radio station. I was super excited because that'd been my top choice. During my summer of hell as a TV reporter I had dreaded going to work each morning. Especially since my supervisor seemed to have the need to inform me every day that he was an athiest and tried to get into debates with me (you can read more about it on my post last year titled All Kinds Of Stuff - if you scroll down to the pic of me by the door). So, to keep myself positive, during my car rides I would listen to a Christian radio station. The people and environment seemed completely opposite than the one I was in. I decided that's what I wanted to do instead: be a radio DJ on a Christian music station.The people and environment at the station in Nebraska were exactly as I'd hoped. Well, except for my office manager - I was scared of her! I was the office assistant on Mondays because she took that day off. She was very strict and admitted herself that she was anal with her instructions for me, and informed me that my job was to clean the toilets, vacuum, dust, empty all of the trashcans - basically all of the cleaning for the week was my job. I hadn't planned on ever being a janitor, but I never complained and always did it with enthusiasm because it beat where I'd been the year before! She moved away a year or two later and fortunately I never had any negative moments with her.

But I put way too much pressure on myself. I worked both in the office and on air for three years. I realize now that no one was expecting me to be the perfect Christian. . .but I was. So I'd often come home with a headache or feel that I'd spent my days not being anymore authentic than when I was a TV reporter. It was in a completely different way -- this time was because although the job itself was right for me, perfection is impossible. I didn't want to let on that I had any flaws (or sins) when in reality nobody else was expecting that of me or being that way themselves. But, I felt like I was on a lower level than them. I figured if they knew "the real me" they wouldn't think I was worthy to work there (what if they didn't approve of the TV shows I watched or movies I went to? I'd spent one year of high school living in a bubble, there are pros to that haha, but I'd learned that there will always be someone to find fault with a book you read or a song you like. I'm mature enough now to know whether something has a positive effect or negative effect on me and I try to avoid the negative but it does not mean my list is the same as the next person because we're all different).

Anyway, so it was inevitable that I'd leave because how long can a person hold themselves back? In my defense, I had no idea that I was doing this. It wasn't conscious. I was ages 23 to 26 and truly wanted to be the person I was trying to be each day. When I left in 2006, I figured it was because my passion in life was to be a writer. So, for the past almost 4 years, that is the "professional path" that I've been on.It was the right decision -- but I did it for the wrong reasons. In reality, I see now that the reason I left the radio station is because I couldn't spend another hour only showing one side of me.

For example, my friend Brooke who I talk about here that I do "stay at home mom day" with -- I worked with her all three years but we didn't become friends until I left. She sent me an e-mail one day and we began writing back and forth. When is the most natural place for me to be real? When I'm writing. (That's why this blog is so good for me - I write about the good, the bad, and everything in between.) For the next two years we developed a great friendship over e-mail and since the fall of 2008 we have been getting together regularly. In fact, my entire social life became completely fulfilling once I got pregnant. So maybe it was Logan -- as if he hasn't already done a thousand wonderful things to my life already, it's been easy for me to not hold back with anyone, anywhere, since he was born.

For the past few years I've been living my best in this life, but now it's time to find my best life to live.

Having Logan was the best thing I've ever done, and getting to spend each day smiling with him as a stay at home mom has been such a blessing. I've never taken one day for granted and hope my giddy-eyes never cloud. (In many ways the newness still hasn't worn off.) But last summer I blogged (My Update On My Writing) that I want a career again once my kids are in school. (I said that I would do it now if I didn't have Logan and want one more because it's a matter of getting out of the house; I've signed up for some work at home mom jobs but I realize that's not what I'm looking for.) I haven't been able to figure out what to do because the reason why broadcasting was the only option for me for 10 yrs is because I never had another moment of being interested in anything else! (Although I wouldn't mind working at a spa but that is for selfish reasons, LOL. And, even though I'm taking that photography class next month to officially start that hobby, that is something I want to keep as a hobby.)

Getting married was my easy way to not having to figure it out. Had I remained single, I would have had to figure it out back in 2002 or 2003. Ever since the past summer I've tried, but it wasn't until reading that book last week that I've realized the answer has been easy this whole time: the best career for me is anything that involves writing.

I always thought my only option as a writer was to work for a newspaper or do what I'm doing now - be a freelance writer and work towards becoming a novelist. I've never had an interest at working for a newspaper, and fiction writing can still be my passion - hopefully one day will be my career, but being an author is one of the most out-of-a-person's control professions there is! I was voted Most Ambitious in high school for a reason: I like to make goals and accomplish them, but it's been almost four years for this one and I will never be able to have an answer as to "when" the time will come.  (This pic was taken when I was in high school.)There are plenty of other jobs outside of the home that entail writing. My plan now is to get a temp job before my kids are even in school - maybe letting an agency throw me into a part time position that I have no clue even exists, but where I write. Maybe then I will discover I can be my authentic self for the first time in a job setting and it can develop into something stable/solid once my children are in school.

I'm also not closed to the idea of working for the radio station again since I really liked it there. I just want to make sure that if I go back I am there to stay (for example, I wouldn't want to apply right now for a part time position while Logan's at his babysitter's house because I'm planning to get pregnant this fall and what if I'm sick again - that will be too much stress. Or, since we're waiting to see what happens with Joe's job this summer. By the way, our option for moving has narrowed down to rather than within the next five years, it will happen between the years 2011 and 2013 - otherwise not until child #2 graduates from high school which is approximately the year 2029)! I know this time I could just relax and be myself because I am at a better place now at age 30, knowing who I am and being proud of that. But, after reading Roaring Lambs, I'm thinking that "the professional category of my life" should be writing in the mainstream.

It is going to be more of a challenge to turn my other decisions from the past 7 yrs around so that I can now do them for the right reasons. (Now that I've come up with a professional plan, I'll work on the plans for my other areas.) Some areas may still work the way they are now and others might not. I am not in a rush to figure out what goes in what category. Just having this knowledge and knowing that I can, and am ready, and am already getting started - puts me on the best path since college (which I always say was the best time of my life aside from the year Logan was born - now I see that is why, both those times in my life things weren't perfect but I actively lived "my life" with joy each day). So now you see what I was talking about two weeks ago. . .it all started with that church service, followed by that New Age book I read, then having the missing puzzle pieces of my life filled in, and finally the last book. Coincidence or not that everything happened back-to-back at the perfect time? Last week I was starting to get overwhelmed, but I came up with the following ideas that have given me peace:

Once I start earning an income, I want to get my own tiny apartment. Joe feared this meant I am planning to leave him -- no, I just want a second residence in the same area he is, but that is "my own place" to write (many authors do this). (By the way, attempt #2 for my writing retreat in a hotel to finish novel #4 is going to be April 30th to May 2nd -- can't wait.) Thankfully, Joe is being wonderful through all of this. . .the apple doesn't fall far from the tree with Logan because he gets being a good guy from Joe!

I'm really excited this summer to travel for the very first time by myself. I've blogged here several times about how I'm going to visit my best friend for her 30th birthday. . .it will be my very first time on a plane by myself. I am incredibly scared but determined to prove to myself that I can "take my own vacation" (and maybe this will be the start of many in the future).

I also plan to take a road trip -- by myself this summer, somewhere, without having a clue what I'm going to do when I get there.

This Thanksgiving or Christmas I want to volunteer at a homeless shelter and some day go to another country to do something helpful.

There are many things I have never thought I could do because I am not living "on my own, by myself." Who says that just because I got married right out of college that I just have to follow Joe around and only make decisions for myself that fit into our current life? That I can't still experience my own, separate stuff? A lot of these things are what people do in their twenties and then they feel ready to settle down in their thirties. Who says you can't do it the other way around? My husband isn't a social guy so I tend to just be a homebody which is fine (we are a good match because that is how I want to be most of the time) but I also have evenings when I would like to do something out of my comfort zone - like go to an art gallery - but I don't because I tell myself I can't by myself. How do I know until I try? I've never been one to think that I need a man (except to give me my sweet Logan!!!). Even if I do all of these things and don't have positive experiences, it's much better to have had the opportunity to find out, rather than to never know!

I looked at myself in the mirror the other day, thinking I wouldn't like my reflection because I've gained back some of my weight I've been losing - but instead thought I looked younger! I've blogged here before that I feel at some point after 2009 started, I aged. A lot. I think some of that had to do with me realizing deep down that Logan was my only choice that I'd made for the right reasons in over seven years. Maybe I've just gotten used to my new aged reflection, LOL, or maybe it's because 2010 is going better than last year because I've put an end to that pattern. Wouldn't it be nice if thinking younger makes you look younger? :-)