Brachial Cleft Fistula Surgery Over!

This was originally written on Thursday, February 19, 2009:

Wow, it's been over a month since I wrote a full update! It just seemed like whenever I had a moment to sit down I was too drained to blog. All I could do was rent a bunch of television DVDs (including season 2 of Brothers & Sisters, if season 3 comes out before season 4 starts then I'll be able to join everyone "live" in the fall) and lay on the couch while Logan played since I can't leave him alone for a second anymore. Because he's so active (mainly climbing on everything) he hurts himself too easily if I don't keep my eyes on him, and even though our family room is baby-proof he still gets into things he shouldn't, and if I do try and do a quick load of laundry or dishes he comes to the door and bangs on it and cries. So, forget getting on the computer unless he's asleep or Joe is watching him, since I can't concentrate and it's in a room that is impossible to babyproof. No matter what I'm doing he's pulling on my pant leg or crawling up me. But I know that this is a stage that is going to go "too quickly" and so anytime I start to feel overwhelmed I just remind myself of how someday I'll long for the days Logan used to follow me everywhere! So don't get me wrong, I'm appreciating every second! That's why I immediately sit down on the floor during those times and play and laugh and have a great time with my sweet little baby boy.

But to keep my sanity I have decided to start the process of finding a babysitter for Logan to go to one full day a week. I mentioned in my post, The Fussy Baby Book, that I was ready now. Until now (ten months old) Joe & I have never left Logan with anyone else for even a second. But even though I love being a stay-at-home mom, I put 110% into it which leaves zero percent for myself and so I feel like I'm getting burnt out. Last month I mentioned in that same post that I was starting to feel this way but then I started making time for myself and so I stopped it before it really began. Well maybe it was Logan's upcoming surgery, but I quit making time for myself because I just haven't had any extra energy. :(

Logan's little friend Jaxson (the boy who was born six days after him) goes to a babysitter's house on Wednesdays & Thursdays and there is currently an opening for Mondays & Tuesdays. I think two days would be too much for me (I do want to continue to be a stay at home mom) but if I interview the woman and feel comfortable, and she's fine with me paying for just one day (apparently she charges $3.50 an hr, can't beat that) then I will be getting a nice break each week to regroup and recharge (and hopefully get everything done that I can't do the other days of the week)! Plus, Logan is getting bored again, and playing with other children on a regular basis should help with that.

Stacy (Jaxson's mom) first found her babysitter from a sign in her neighborhood. It turned out that her mom works with this woman's mom and had been telling her stories about her for years, so she took that as a good sign and so far has no complaints. Usually I just ignore the signs in my neighborhood because I never thought I could send my child to just a random person's house. But I noticed a sign the other day and wrote down the phone number because I realize that wherever I'd send Logan would be "random" since I don't personally know any babysitters. It wouldn't matter if I sent him to the #1 daycare center, I'd still have to do a thorough interview and need to feel comfortable. As long as everyone is qualified to my standards then it's my gut instinct that will pick the place.

So I researched online (GoNannies.com is an excellent site, but you have to pay to be a member which I'm not willing to do at this time. They screen all of their sitters, nannies, housekeeeprers, etc. and have references and help match you with your perfect person -- like, a mother's helper: someone who will just come over to my house whenever I want to watch Logan for an hour or two, or if I want to watch Logan this person will even clean my house, cook, or run errands)!

At this time I feel taking Logan somewhere else for the day is what will work best for me. I found another sitter in my neighborhood who I get a good vibe from (if you can call it that since I've never met her). I went to her website and saw that she has been featured on the news because of her high security daycare (four cameras and a security system), and is experienced and certified, as well as very enthusiastic and seems to thoroughly enjoy spending time with little kids. She has 1 opening now. I'm glad that at least I have several options, so I'll set up interviews for March, and if I let go of the fear/discomfort of someone else taking care of my child then this will be good for both Logan and me!

Because "month 9" wasn't in my favorite category like months 1, 2, 3, 5, & 8 (rather it was with 4, 6, & 7 which I didn't like) -- but half of that may have been due to my mood.

I didn't realize Logan's surgery was having an effect on me because in my head I was reminding myself of how there was nothing indicating that it should be scary. We met with the ENT last Thursday and he was still as casual about it as he'd been from day one. Logan's CT scan showed that the hole stopped at the muscle in his neck -- the one we can all feel when we turn our head from side to side -- meaning, the surgery was going to be simple to perform, would take less than an hour, and Logan wouldn't need to spend the night in the hospital. This time the IV could be put in AFTER he was "out" so there would be no pain for him if they had trouble finding a vein!

But it still hurt my heart to think of my baby's neck being operated on. Not only because I didn't want him to be traumatized or in pain from this experience, but you hear about the rare cases of people/babies having problems with anesthesia and randomly dying on the table or being sick & in pain for days afterward, etc. And there was always the chance that the scan didn't show the complete hole and it went up to his ear which would be a more complicated surgery and require a night's stay, which would have meant he'd have to be restrained because otherwise babies this age will pull out their IV's, etc.

So, I'm VERY glad it's all over with. Pretty much exactly 8 months (it was June 18th when we learned the dimple in his neck was actually a brachial cleft fistula) of having this hang over our heads. Never knowing if the hole was going to get infected, always knowing that surgery was in the future. Now it's behind us forever -- yeay!!!!

I went to bed at my normal 11 pm time last night. . .but I didn't fall asleep. I haven't had that problem since having Logan, haha! (I'm usually out like a light as soon as my head hits the pillow because sleep is gold to me now!) I'm not sure when I finally dozed off, but I never went into a deep sleep because I saw the clock at every half hour. At 3:30 I decided to get up. It was just as well because by the time I had everything ready it was 5 am -- time to leave.

Logan's sleeping has been PHENOMENAL ever since he stopped breastfeeding. Who would have thought that'd have a positive effect? Once he decided he didn't want to nurse at all, ever, the 90 seconds he'd been waking up in the middle of the night stopped. It's been a month since I heard a sound come out of Logan's room in the middle of the night. He goes to bed at 8 pm every day and sleeps until 6:30-8 am (the past two weeks it has been 8 am every morning, knock on wood).

It confirms what I already thought -- it is a myth that meeting your child's needs in the middle of the night will guarantee that they won't sleep with no interruptions until 2-3 years of age. I never let Logan cry it out, nor did I ever seriously try any of the plans out there to force him (because I didn't have any motivation. . .it really didn't bother me to get up with him in the night because he was never awake longer than 5 minutes after the age of two weeks old, except for a handful of times) -- he always seemed to want to sleep, he always seemed to understand sleep, so I really felt like he was going to be sleeping through the night again sooner than later. Maybe it was because he slept 12 consecutive hrs every night during his 3rd and 4th months of life (as well as random days throughout months five thru eight) so I'd had a "preview" -- but even though on average he woke up twice a night from September to January, the time had decreased from 5 minutes to sometimes just 1 minute. Sure enough, as if nature knew this all along, once he turned 9 months old he stopped cold turkey, just like with breastfeeding.

I continued to put him to the breast once a day after January 19th until I pumped for the last time on January 31st, but he adamently refused to nurse at all those 12 days. He was ready to fight me! So, I just fed him breastmilk in a bottle, and unlike what I thought (that I was going to have to force myself to pump less and less so as to wean myself), my milk supply dried up on its own. Each day there was less milk until that last day there was only 2 oz in a 24 hr period. I didn't feel the need to pump the next day or the next. . .and actually thought my milk was gone--until five days later! It was so weird, on Thursday, February 5th I got a huge engorged bump on my right breast! It freaking hurt. So I pushed on it and milk started shooting out of me! I said, "OMG, Joe, look at this," and then milk sprayed on him. HAHA! But, I stopped because I knew relieving it would just make my body produce more. Fortunately, expressing that tiny bit was enough for me to alleviate the pain, and then I felt empty again until Sunday, February 8th. The same thing happened! I expressed a few drops again -- and this time my milk dried up once and for all. I looked in the mirror on Tuesday, February 10th and I was like, ohmygosh I'm flat chested! Not that I was huge before, but I always liked & was content with my size -- most of the time I was a small C. Now I'm a small B!

After I got over the initial shock of my breasts being smaller than they've ever been, I decided smaller is more comfortable and so I like them better, lol. :p Maybe it's just because it feels great to have my body all back to myself for the first time in a year-and-a-half--and no foreign substance in my chest anymore!!!

I have to admit, though, that every now and then the past month I was overcome with a wave of sadness because I felt guilty for not pumping until Logan's surgery. My What To Expect book confirmed what Logan's pediatrician said as far as his weaning behavior was super common for 9 month olds. But the book encourages women to then pump until 12 months. If I'd had an easier ride, I would have -- and will if my next child weans him/herself before a year, too. But with Logan I'd already given it way more than I had (and pumped much more than the average woman) and I simply couldn't force myself another day. I was relieved and ready to be done when Logan gave me the go-ahead. Fortunately, I'd saved 5 bags of breastmilk in the freezer which he is getting all today. :)

So back to this morning. . .

I didn't wake Logan up in the middle of the night like I'd done when he had his CT scan, since that time he'd hardly drank anything anyway and the nurse on the phone this time said it wasn't necessary. So the last time he ate was at 8 PM last night. When I woke him up at 5 'til 5 AM he was pretty cranky and expecting that I was at least going to feed him if I disrupted his sleep. :/ So I had to sing songs in the backseat with him the entire way to Children's Hospital so that he wouldn't cry.

Once we arrived at 5:30 AM, Logan was distracted by the place & people. I filled out some paperwork, Logan was put in a hospital gown, and then they checked him out. I'd been bummed when last week he came down with his second cold ever! What are the odds that the only two viruses he's had this entire year occur during the CT scan and surgery?! Luckily, this one was a lot better than the one he'd had the last week of December/first week of January. That one had lasted two weeks and included an ear infection. This one started with diahrrea on 2/10 which lasted until 2/12. On 2/11 his nose began running but cleared up yesterday (2/18) and now he is back to normal.

He caught the virus from Jaxson when we had him over on Sunday, February 8th. It crossed my mind the week before that maybe we should wait until after Logan's surgery, but I knew I couldn't keep Logan in a bubble and we hadn't seen Matt, Stacy, and Jaxson since we went to their place in December, so I had hoped it would be okay. But that night when they returned home, Stacy called and said Jaxson had diahrrea and she thought maybe he caught something from her niece because they'd been around her the previous week and she'd had diahrrea. I sterilized all of Logan's toys, but it was too late. On Monday Stacy e-mailed me and said that Jaxson woke up with a stuffed up nose and a bad cough/raspy breathing so she took him to the doctor. If Logan had caught the cough part then we would have had to reschedule his surgery. Stacy came down with an upper respiratory infection which would have been worse for Logan because that is what infects/inflames brachial clefts and could have changed how today went!

So, whew, he was all clear. When we were done talking to the hospital staff, it was 5:45 AM. His surgery wasn't set until 7 AM so I was thinking, wait a minute, now we're supposed to just sit in this room with a hungry and active Logan for an hour and fifteen minutes? I was glad they had a play room with a lot of toys, including a car like what he got for Christmas that I have to keep hidden now or else he will throw temper tantrums! I didn't realize babies did that already at this age, but Stacy told me when she was over here that Jaxson has been -- and then, a week later, Logan began pounding his fists and throwing himself on the floor screaming when "drive time" was over or if I didn't put him on his car exactly when he wanted. I just have to ignore him and try to occupy him with something else during those times. So far it seems to be working. When he realizes I'm not giving in, he stops and then becomes happy about something else. I tell him that Mommy is too lazy to push him around on the car all day; we have to have a time limit :p

Anyway, inbetween his playing he had to have his finger pricked for a blood test so big tears flowed while the nurse was squeezing his blood into a vile, but then a Bandaid was put on and he'd acted like he'd forgotten. . .except that he took off three bandaids before it finally stopped bleeding. Thankfully, that was the hardest part of the day! That was the only time he cried, the only time that I had to comfort him, the only time I teared up. Afterwards the anesthesiologist came in to talk about what to expect, followed by our ENT.

Because Logan was easily fussy today, and because of his age (separation anxiety, although he hasn't had it since that one day with Joe's mom in January), they gave him a small dose of what they sedated him with back in January for the scan so that it wouldn't be traumatic when they took him away or put the mask on him, etc. Since this dose wasn't for him to fall asleep, it instead made him "stoned!" It was scary to see my baby "high" (he was loopy acting, chuckling, etc.) but I was relieved that he was going to have no knowledge of any of this. The last thing he was going to remember was playing with us and then when he saw us again it was like no time passed. There was nothing to be scared of and definitely no pain. It was actually better/easier than the CT scan experience because that time he'd been completely aware of everything going on!So a little after 7 AM they came to take him down the hall and I was allowed to walk with, then they said I could hug & kiss him goodbye. I'd expected that to be tough, but it wasn't because Logan was distracted by the badge on the lady who was carrying him, and he was still acting loopy!

A little after 8 AM the ENT came to tell us that the surgery had taken only 30 minutes (the fastest time possible) and it had gone flawlessly. Even the IV had gone in on the first try (his foot). Only one tiny incision had to be made on the right side of his neck because the scan was correct, so there were no surprises and his neck responded perfectly to the procedure (i.e. it fixed itself immediately). Logan was a top patient under the anesthesia and came out of it on his own, alert and with no side effects. In fact, he'd been lying in bed and then they turned around and he was sitting straight up looking around like where the heck am I?!
So at ten 'til 9 AM they brought him to us and I was glad I had the breastmilk because he could only have clear liquids which otherwise would have been water or juice. He was starving so he had no problem drinking 9 oz and didn't seem nauseous afterwards. Since his vitals were where they were supposed to be and he was acting so coherant and normal (way quicker & better than after the CT scan), as well as in NO PAIN (we can give him Tylenol if he acts like he needs it, but so far has not acted like it) -- they said that if we felt comfortable to leave there was no reason why we needed to stay!

So we pulled out of the parking lot at 9:45 AM! Logan fell asleep on the way home and took a long nap (which they said would be normal today; tomorrow he should be 100% back to his normal self). He woke up at 12:45 PM -- the same time Joe did, as when we got home he took a nap, too. I should lay down now as well. I can finally relax. . .everything is okay!!!!!

Logan has a cellaphane bandage on his neck that we are supposed to remove in 24 hrs, which doesn't look like fun (it's majorly taped on him and the ENT said it will hurt to take it off) and then his stitches will disolve in 5-7 days. The area will appear red for 6 months but then the scar will fade and by 9 months we won't even be able to see it! The ENT is confident he got to the entire hole, so there should be no future problems or effects. We are to set up an appt. to meet with the ENT in two weeks just to make sure the incision healed properly, but he doesn't anticipate any infection since everything went as good as anyone could have hoped. We can't get the area wet for 48 hrs but otherwise Logan has already been able to return to his normal routine (at the moment he's crawling and walking around holding onto furntiture -- no more loopy acting). He's had three bags of breastmilk, so just two more to go and then we can return to his normal diet of baby food and formula tonight.

So that's the conclusion to Logan's brachial cleft fistula!!!! I will be back this weekend to finish the month's update!!!!