My Son's Birth Story

This was originally written on Tuesday, April 22, 2008:

WOW WOW WOW, WHERE DO I BEGIN?!

I can't believe it was only a week ago that I last blogged (aside from my quick post on Friday). . .it seems like months! But, then again, I don't think I've ever had something so major happen in one week!

For those who have been following my blogs you know that last Tuesday my doctor told me that labor could possibly be within the week, based on me being dilated to almost 4 cm that day. However, I then read on the internet that some women were as dilated as I'd been for up to two weeks before they went into labor. Since I technically still had three weeks to go, I began to wonder if the process was going to drag out until my due date.

I had menstrual-like cramps that afternoon & evening, as well as on Wednesday after I forced myself to take a walk around our neighborhood (not something I normally did, but was hoping to induce labor)--but then I didn't have any cramps on Thursday (I felt great). I'm pretty sure I lost my mucus plug that morning, though. After going pee, I turned around to flush the toilet and saw a blob of color go down the drain! I actually wish I had been able to study it better because it happened so fast I didn't know if that's for sure what it'd been. Once again, I read that didn't necessarily mean I'd be going into labor within 24 hours (although that IS the most common).

I'd stopped getting my hopes up and no longer believed labor would happen that week, and therefore was NOT prepared. I'd planned to do the laundry and clean the house on Friday, as well as shave my legs, haha--because I felt tired all of Thursday. I took a three hour nap and sat on the couch watching TV pretty much the remainder of the day. (The last movie I watched was Double Jeopardy on television for the severalth time and the last food I had was popcorn, haha.) I hadn't felt so fatigued since my first trimester. . .but I'm guessing my body knew it was about to go into labor and I needed rest!

Looking back, I should have sensed something was up. At 10 pm I felt a "surge of energy." Not only had I previously been exhausted all day, but my mood had been down. Suddenly I was in the best mood ever. I was laughing and moving around easier than I had in a long time. (I remember actually twirling around in our bedroom.) I mentioned to Joe that maybe I should do the laundry and clean the house now that I felt so good, but I decided it was too late and so we went to bed at 11 pm. It didn't take long for me to be in a sound sleep.

Then. 1:53 AM.

I will never forget the sensation of what happened for as long as I live. It was as if a dam opened up inside of me. . .or someone began pouring a gallon of water out of me! In other words, a "pop" and then a RIVER of water with a ton of pressure shot through me. At first I thought I must be dreaming something scary--but then I snapped awake, realizing what was happening!

I yelled "JOE!" and jumped out of bed, already knowing that I'd lost a ton of amniotic fluid. Water was draining out of me as I ran to the bathroom. He immediately woke up and exclaimed, "What? Your water just broke?!"

"Yes!" I shouted.

I had to tell myself not to panic as I sat on the toilet and more water gushed out. I'd remembered the ultrasound technician telling me I had an above average amount (so I could afford to lose a lot). It was just not like what I'd expected! Everywhere I'd read, every person I'd talked to about this, had all said "it's not usually a gush like on TV--in most cases it's just a trickle and half of the time people never even know their water breaks." But there was no denying mine! (I wish that I had protected our bed, but fortunately it didn't stain. Before walking out the door we threw the sheets and my cozy red pjs into the washing machine, and now you'd never know. Same for our carpet.)

Joe immediately called the hospital (he had to talk to five different people so I kept hearing over and over, "My wife is thirty-seven weeks pregnant and her water just broke"). The last person told us to come in right now and they'd page my doctor. Thinking about my stubbly legs, I yelled, "Ask them if I can take a shower first!"

"A quick one."

So, I proceeded to get into the shower, only to realize at that point that it was going to be too difficult to shave and, frankly, I no longer cared. So, I just washed my face, brushed my teeth, and that was that. I didn't blow dry my hair or anything else--I put on pink sweatpants and my blue Bubba Gump Shrimp sweatshirt (obviously wearing matching clothes wasn't my priority) and joined Joe downstairs where he was making sure we had our necessities and let the dogs out. I typed the quick I'm In Labor post here, and then Joe sent an e-mail to his office telling them it was "go time!"

I was still leaking small amounts of fluid and so we put a plastic sack on the car seat and headed to the hospital. With it being the middle of the night there were hardly any other cars on the road so that was nice--the ride was only 15 minutes (ten minutes faster than it had been on the nights we'd gone to our childbirth classes).

As I stared out the window, I could not believe the moment was actually happening. This was really it! Everything I'd been practicing, preparing for, thinking about for so long--there was no more wait, the time was here!!! I was so pumped, so excited, so motivated--I wasn't scared or nervous at all, I'd been saying "bring it on" for weeks! I kept thinking of what our childbirth instructor had told us: "If your water breaks, you're guaranteed a baby within 24 hours." (Because otherwise infection could occur.) Logan's arrival was no longer a mystery!!!! (I love when mysteries are solved.)

Despite always knowing that my experience would be unique and that no one can ever completely prepare for their childbirth story, I still hadn't expected it to be such a dramatic rush like it is on TV. I'd been taught that I'd probably have all kinds of time during labor (especially with it being my first), so my bags were packed with things to do and we'd planned to call our families (although I knew I didn't want them in the room with me).

But, with my water breaking first, I couldn't even walk once we pulled up to the hospital at 3 am (let alone call anyone or do any activities). My contractions began at that point, although they were (once again) not like I'd expected. They immediately went to the final stage (in other words, they were as strong as they'd ever get and happened every minute). Also, rather than be similar to the tightening I'd had throughout my last two weeks, these felt like serious menstrual cramps. . .in fact, I've actually had the same degree of period cramps before (that's a whole different story).

As we stepped out of the car to head into the front entrance, a male nurse was walking out and could tell I was in labor. He said he'd get us a wheelchair. A guard then led us to the elevator and up to the second floor.

At this point I could no longer talk. I don't remember what the floor or anyone on it looked like, nor what was said. I was "zoned out." As many of you know, I'd chosen to do HypnoBirthing techniques for my labor and so I began to put them into effect, knowing that I must "ride the waves" if I was going to have a natural, medication-free childbirth for Logan. This pretty much meant being in a hypnotic state.

But I do remember Joe giving the staff my information and a nurse taking me to a room. She gave me a gown and showed me the bathroom. My water was still leaking so my sweats were soaked. After I changed into the gown, I was led to a bed where they hooked up the fetal monitor and checked my cervix. I was 5 cm dilated.

The nurse began putting my information into their computer. (I was annoyed it wasn't already there since I'd pre-registered during my childbirth classes.) There were questions Joe couldn't answer and so that made it harder for me to relax since I was forced to answer what seemed like a ton--but otherwise they were very accomodating to HypnoBirthing. (You never know when doing something out of the ordinary, so I was relieved.) The hospital staff was SUPER nice and helpful, wanting to do anything they could to make the experience exactly like what I wanted and for me to be 100% comfortable.

During this time of "riding the waves," Joe went to park the car. When he came back, he thought someone was pouring a pitcher of water. It turned out to be the rest of my water gushing out all over the bed! So the nurse checked my cervix again, at 4:45 am, it was 6-7 cm dilated. They told me that my doctor was now on her way.

I continued my deep breathing exercises as time slipped by. I vaguely remember Joe asking me if I wanted him to turn on my relaxation CDs, but I said no. The nurse also brought in a birthing ball, but everything that I'd planned on using now seemed like a distraction and I needed to keep concentrating in order to not lose my "zone." Joe tried rubbing my back and feet but even that was too much. He told me later that he cracked a few jokes that he thought were at least worth a smile but I completely ignored him, haha.

I tried standing up a few times and using Joe's support during the contractions, but I found it easiest to stay in bed (also not like what I'd thought, as I had figured walking around would be more comfortable for me).

By 5:43 am my contractions no longer had any seconds of break between them -- it was one right after another. The nurse checked me again and said I was between 8-9 cm. I was thrilled, this was faster than I had hoped and the pain not at all untolerable--it hadn't even been three hours since I'd arrived to the hospital and my contractions had started.

Other nurses were constantly in and out of the room and, despite me feeling only halfway conscious, I could hear them talking about the HypnoBirthing. Some were familiar with it and others weren't, so they all shared how impressed they were. They couldn't believe how fast things were going and how well I was handling everything with no epidural or pain medication. One said that in all of her years she'd never seen anything like it--as I'd become nearly dilated by remaining completely calm. (To them I just looked like I was sleeping peacefully the whole time.)

My doctor arrived at 6 am. She was like, "Didn't I just see you and tell you that you'd go into labor soon?" I laughed and said "yep"--she was right. She joked that she was proud of herself; she loves being right. I shouldn't have doubted her!

She was in and out of my room because another patient was delivering a baby down the hall! She said that in the past 16 days she'd delivered 17 babies so she was really wiped out. In fact, she had just fallen asleep at 1 am after another birth, when the hospital paged her again an hour later with both me and the other patient's water breaking! At some point I remember her going to get coffee, lol.

During the time when my doctor was with the other mother (we saw the other baby on Alegent Health's website; his name was Roman and he weighed 6 lbs, 13 oz, and was 20.25 inches long; the picture of Logan at the top of this blog is our hospital photo), I kept feeling the urge to push (my body basically was on its own) although it was not time yet. (If you push before 10 cm you can injure the cervix) So the nurses were telling me to breathe through it which was really hard--I felt like Logan was going to just pop out (I wish).

When my doctor returned, she said that there was just a tiny bit of cervix preventing me from being a complete 10 cm dilated and asked if it'd be okay for her to push it out of the way.

"Yes, please." (So I became 10 cm dilated at approx. 6:15 am.)

Strangely, my urge to push suddenly stopped but I started anyway at 6:30 am . All of the nurses were cheering, saying I was so lucky my labor had gone so fast, as they expected this last phase to be less than 30 minutes (since that is the average for most people with my duration of dilation). They were all congratulating me, saying I'd sailed through the hardest parts, that from my first contractions to birth would only be around 4 hours! My nurse mentioned that my doctor had four surgeries scheduled for that morning and she'd be able to make them all in time.

I was ecstatic I was almost done and had experienced my ideal birth plan. But. . .celebrating was premature. 7:00 am came and went and Logan hadn't budged at all. My doctor turned serious and said, "Okay, so here's the deal. Your pelvic region is small and the baby is facing up." (Remember how I mentioned in a previous blog that that was a concern of mine?! I knew by the way Logan kicked that he had never faced down like he was supposed to.)

I asked her what that meant and she said, "You have two options. You're doing an excellent job of pushing but it hasn't done anything because your baby is posterior which is making it even harder for him to fit through an already small pelvis. I can try and turn him and see if that makes a difference, but I'm warning you it's going to hurt like hell because I must stick my entire hand up there and twist--but otherwise the only other option is a c-section."

I didn't want to have a c-section so I gave her the go ahead to turn the baby. Joe says that was the only time during the experience where he felt like passing out, as blood went everywhere. I almost cried at that point but continued to do my deep breathing and relaxation which got me through it.

At 7:20 am I began pushing again. Unfortunately, my pelvis still stood in the way. I could hear my doctor rescheduling her surgeries and canceling several of her office appointments for that morning, as it became clear that my pushing phase was not going to end any time soon. :-(

I started to lose my zone and get upset, but my doctor helped me go back to my relaxation and deep breathing exercises. It was the only way I could have made it through those next few hours without giving her the go-ahead for a c-section. I pushed. And pushed. And pushed. And nothing happened. He didn't move a milimeter.

My doctor said she needed to make an executive decision. Since Logan's heart rate was still doing well, she was going to allow me to have the vaginal delivery that I wanted (the nurses said later that most doctors wouldn't have let me, but she ROCKS), however the only way I'd be able to is by getting an epidural so that my pelvic region would be completely relaxed for her to go up in there even farther and pull him with her hand. (My body wasn't naturally allowing her to do it.) It wasn't what I'd wanted to hear, knowing what I knew about epidurals. But, as I'd often written here, I knew that I might have to compromise part of my birth plan, and so I was okay with it because the alternative was worse, and so would have been taking any pain medication. So, I allowed the epidural in place of the c-section.

Since it is very rare for a woman to get an epidural after she starts pushing, the anesthesiologist said he'd be in after a couple of other labors and a surgery. My nurse was like, "Does he realize what's going on? Um, he's coming in here now!"

My doctor was still in and out, and said I could keep pushing if I felt like it, and so that's what I did on my own until I received the epidural at 8:30 am.

It's really true what they say about all modesty goes out the window in situations like this. I never thought I'd be naked in a bed on my hands and knees, butt up in the air, with strangers walking in and out of my hospital room--but that's the position the nurse recommended I change to in order to possibly help move Logan down the birth canal. I had hoped to have made some sort of progress by the time the epidural came (so that I wouldn't have to have one after all), but unfortunately I didn't. He still hadn't moved at all.

I was experiencing such major contractions that I had a hard time rolling up into a ball as the anesthesiologist told me to, but at least it prevented me from thinking about what he was doing. For those who read my HypnoBirthing blog, my fears of the epidural were the whole reason why I became interested in learning about HypnoBirthing! (But then my reasons for using that method became more for Logan's well being.)

Joe said the anesthesiologist didn't seem to have much sympathy for me. He kept saying, "I can't get at it clearly, you're going to have to do better than that." Finally he sighed and said my position was good enough.

Fortunately, I didn't experience any negative side effects of the epidural (nor did Logan) and it was obviously past the point of it leading to slow or stop in dilation (thus a c-section), which is often the case.

My doctor stayed with me for good at 8:30 am on, and twisted Logan with her hand again -- farther up this time. (Thankfully forceps or a vacuum were never used.) This time things began to move forward! It was still slow, though. . .every push I thought had to be "the one"--but there was always another. I couldn't believe Logan wasn't out yet. It was so exhausting. I really felt like I couldn't do it anymore, but then I remembered that our childbirth instructor had said that when you feel you have absolutely nothing left then you know you are almost done. So, I kept pushing, but I really didn't care about anything anymore. I whimpered, "Can you please just get him out now?" My doctor said that now was not the time to give up, I had passed that point, and I needed to keep going.

The bad part about the epidural is that even though I still felt pain, it made it harder for me to feel when I should push (since I didn't want pitocin). Before, my contractions were very clear to me which is what I'd wanted--I prefer to know what's going on. After the epidural I kept having to ask, "Is this one?" (because you're only supposed to push when having a contraction). I really couldn't tell one pain from another. It was all blended.

It turned out my third push (I always pushed in threes, with Joe counting to ten each time) was always my best, so we began to delay my pushes. It wasn't long before my doctor said, "Look at that head of hair!" I was hoping that meant his head was out, but it was just the top. She said Joe's eyes bugged out of his head, haha. He later said it was pretty incredible.

Those last "however many pushes" are a blur. I swear by the end I was having an out of body experience. I knew that more people came into the room (there was a woman who went right down to the front and started cheering me on. . .I was thinking, who the heck are you?!) but otherwise I couldn't tell you a thing that went on. I was so focused on getting my baby out!

FINALLY around 10 am, my doctor said that I had just a few more pushes to go (I assume Logan was crowning). At this point Logan's heart rate did start to drop. That had always been my fear from watching TV shows, but I was really impressed with the calm way everything was handled from beginning to end. Never did there seem reason to panic or get scared--it always seemed like my doctor had everything under control. I kept feeling her tap his head which got his heart rate going again.

Unfortunately, he twisted again at the end and was side up. Suddenly, it became imperative to get him out fast so that he wouldn't smother, and so my doctor asked if it'd be all right to perform an episiotomy. (Something else I had originally declined in my birth plan.) Between breaths, I said, "Do it." (Once again, it was appropriate for the situation; since she did it while I was having a contraction and pushing, it didn't hurt.)

Seconds later (after 3.5 hrs to dilate and 4 hours of pushing), at 10:30 am on Friday, April 18th, 2008, Logan James entered the world!

Honestly, I don't even remember him coming out. I was still having an out of body experience. There wasn't a big relief "down there" like I'd always thought it'd feel like, nor did I start crying as I always imagined I would (since I did every time I watched A Baby Story and they got to that part). I think I had used up all of my emotions!!!

I saw a group of people pick him up (my doctor had called for assistance) so I asked, "Can I hold him?" (my birth plan had said I wanted him immediately placed to my chest). But then I realized Logan wasn't crying or breathing and so they said they needed to work with him for a minute.

They took him to a table and began suctioning him, stimulating him, and putting the oxygen mask on him. I hadn't really seen him yet so I just stared at the cross hanging on the wall in front of me; I was in a daze but I really felt everything was going to be okay. I knew that I had entered the world the same way, and from carrying Logan I could tell that he was strong.

My doctor congratulated me and told everyone that I'd always been soft spoken--you'd never know I was such a tough cookie, lol. She then sewed me up (after my placenta was expelled--the pain wasn't gone until that was out. . .I was surprised at how huge mine was! They say it usually weighs 1.5 lbs, but I swear mine was more :p), while Joe stood by Logan as they made him cry (he videotaped a little bit) and they did his apgar test (the only score I heard was 8, which was good enough for me), and weighed him. He was higher than the ultrasound technician had predicted on Tuesday--his birth size ended up being 7 lbs, 13.7 oz, and he was 20.5 inches long!

I was relieved when I heard him cry, although he was still not breathing the best. I was allowed to hold him then, though--and this is the part that always makes me cry--when I held him for the first time and began talking to him, he opened his eyes and looked right at me. . .and his breathing became normal! They still took him to the intensive care, but he was breathing on his own by then, and within a half-an-hour we were told he'd be released to the regular nursery!

Joe was able to check on him frequently during his time in the NICU, so I felt okay being a part from Logan as I was taken to my recovery room. Before my doctor left, she spoke with me seriously, as well as later on, about my next pregnancy. She said that I need to be open to a c-section if things are identical during my next labor. I understand--since this birth did put strain on Logan. His face was all bruised when he came out and, no surprise, he had a cone head. Most serious is that like 50% of newborns (including me) he had jaundice, which (aside from premies, where 75% have it) it is often linked to trauma during birth.

I'm fortunate that I was able to have at least one experience of a vaginal childbirth and that it was the best I could have hoped for under these circumstances. My pushing phase was the type that often led to stillborn babies centuries ago, as well as sometimes death of the mother. Thank God we live in our current time!

The neat thing about HypnoBirthing is that it doesn't matter if you don't end up able to follow the plan to a T--your preparation makes you able to handle whatever complications arise and to still deal with them better than if you hadn't practiced the techniques. I feel it kept me calm, cool, and collected during my complication (having a small pelvis & baby in a posterior position) and allowed me to not need a c-section this time. Even though I ended up having to have an epidural at the very end (although it wasn't for pain--I still consider myself to have had a natural delivery because I went through everything and even pushed for two hours without it. I could have continued to do it if my doctor hadn't insisted I needed it for Logan to finally come out instead of the c-section, which was true) -- I'd consider HypnoBirthing a success and would recommend it!

It's definitely not for everyone, though. You have to really want it and be committed. You also have to be okay knowing that you won't be "free" of pain (at least I wasn't). But, as surprising as this may sound considering what I went through during my pushing phase, childbirth was definitely not the worst thing I've been through, nor was the pain as bad as I had always imagined. Pregnancy itself was harder and more painful. My childbirth experience was the best adventure of my life! Most importantly, Logan made it through.

My doctor said to me, "You are lucky that he came three weeks early because otherwise Logan would have been 10 lbs and there's no way he could have come vaginally." (UPDATE: This isn't entirely true. It is possible for me to have another vaginal birth next time, even if my next baby is bigger. I posted three blogs on how I could have avoided a posterior baby and how I can work with my pelvis next time. Click on the following links to read how. Part One. Part Two. Part Three.)

I thanked my doctor and have since decided I'm in love with her. :p I guess she's probably used to that with her patients, considering childbirth falls under the category of "traumatic experiences." In other words, it's like my body and mind consider her an angel who helped me come out of this unscathed and almost back to normal. I can't even feel my episiotomy or any other recovery-pain down there anymore! It's really shocking to me, I CAN NOT BELIEVE MY BODY DID WHAT IT DID and I'm not left for dead. Also, I already lost twenty-three pounds in three days (still have nineteen to go, as my final weight gain was 42 lbs) and am wearing the clothes I wore in November, only this time am able to walk fast again, bend over, carry things. . .yes, I've been longing for all of this for so long, so I am not taking for granted every second that I feel like my old self again!

I guess it's just proof that our bodies really were made to do this! My labor experience wouldn't have even been rough if not for my pelvis & posterior situation; But then you would have all hated me because I would have said that childbirth was a piece of cake. :p Because of my pushing phase, I admit it was definitely hard work--but yes the cliche is true--it's all worth it and I'll do it again (just not for a few more years, lol).

I have a beautiful baby boy who I feel more love for than I ever thought possible. I should have pink hearts floating all around me. I can't believe I made a real baby. . .he's the most innocent, sweet, cute, perfect little thing I've ever seen and I am adoring every moment with him. I never want this feeling to go away. . .I'm so happy. In my life I sometimes tend to look forward and not be content with the present unless everything is in place. Right now everything is totally out of place but I am more content than I've ever been. :-)