Logan's Grandfather

Today's post is a tribute to my father-in-law, as tomorrow (Tuesday, January 19, 2010) will be 9 years since my husband, Joe, lost his father to a heart attack.

I only met Jim twice so I am very thankful that I had the opportunity. Joe and I had been dating for two months when I went to his house for the first time in July 2000. His mom couldn't be there that day, but Joe introduced me to his dad who I immediately felt comfortable with and got a great vibe from. In fact, Joe rose a bit in my mind because I was impressed that this was his father figure, and that the two of them were so similar. If this was a glimpse to see what Joe could possibly be like in the future then he was a keeper!

Jim was a quiet, but confident and friendly man. His smile was warm and he accepted me right away. He cracked a few jokes and seemed very relaxed, easy-going, and intelligent. I remember going home and telling my parents they would like him. . .I imagined Jim and my stepdad becoming great friends if Joe & I eventually got married (yes, of course I was already thinking long term despite only dating him two months and being 20 years old, haha)!

Over five months went by before I saw Jim again. Joe invited me to his parents' place for New Year's Eve. His mom was excited to finally meet me and his dad was just as welcoming as he'd been over the summer. I loved watching his parents interact with each other. They were 58 years old and still seemed totally in love. It was great to see that was Joe's example of his parents as a couple because it gave me hope that if I married him then maybe we could still have that at 58 years old, too! (They were high school sweethearts)They sat close on the couch watching a movie, laughing, and completely at ease. Their conversations with each other were so respectful. We played a game and they teased each other in a nice, gentle way. They were genuinely happy and had such a peaceful yet fun home. I knew at that moment I definitely wanted to become a part of their family!

I had no idea that was the last time I'd ever witness his parents together. I went home on January 1, 2001, and although that September would be the biggest tragedy in US history, for Joe's family their most shocking and unexpected tragedy would occur in less than three weeks.

As Joe & I were juniors in college, web cams had just become popular so Joe had received one for Christmas. That semester he had it on in his dorm room at all times and it was fun to check in on him at any time and see what he was doing!

On Thursday, January 18 I saw Joe come back from class at his normal time, however I saw that he didn't turn on his light and he went straight to his computer - and then was gone. There were always a few seconds delayed/skipped but it was obvious to me that he'd left in a hurry so I remember hoping that everything was okay.

Especially since he never returned to his room the rest of the day.

I knew his schedule, but even though I didn't just sit staring at my computer all day, when I did check I was able to tell that he hadn't come back - his light remained off, everything was in the exact same place, etc. In my mind I kept replaying the earlier "video" I'd seen of him leaving in a hurry and began to get worried. It was evening by then and time for me to go to Salt Company, a Christian club I attended at Iowa State University. Ironically, the topic that night was unexpected deaths. I remember feeling my stomach churn because a horrible feeling came over me that I was going to learn of a death soon. It had been awhile, and even though I had just turned 21, I had only known two people in my entire life to die. I didn't make any connection that it had anything to do with Joe, in fact I worried that it was going to be my stepdad because just a little over a year before (Thanksgiving 1999) his heart had stopped during an angiogram because he had a completely blocked artery. He'd had off-the-charts high cholesterol. . .it had been a big scare for our family.

When I came home it was late and Joe hadn't returned my phone call(s?) Usually evenings were when all of his friends would hang out in his room, but the web cam still showed it dark and still. I got on instant messenger and saw that one of his friends was online (Grife, I've mentioned him on this blog before - they went to high school together and in another year would be roommates). I nervously sent him an IM that asked, "Do you know where Joe is?" He responded that yes, Joe was at the hospital because his dad had had a heart attack. There'd been a message on his answering machine from his mom when Joe came home from class, so he'd looked up the hospital's address on the internet and had gone to meet her there.

I'm sure the air was sucked out of me. His dad did not fit my image of someone who'd had a heart attack. He and Joe were built the same - Joe is 5'9," his dad was 5'10" but neither were scrawny - they were both naturally muscular without being stocky. . .both had a look of just being in shape. I knew his parents were 8 years older than my mom, his dad's hair was all gray, but 58 was still young! I remembered that both my maternal uncle and grandfather had had heart attacks and both were still living. Grife, too, firmly believed that Joe's dad was going to come out of it.

Later that night I got an e-mail from Joe - but there was an issue with my campus e-mail and so the message was blank! I was so frustrated! I knew he was finally telling me what had happened but I still really didn't have any idea. (This was back before everyone had a cell phone so he didn't have my ever-changing-college number with him or memorized.) Still, I emailed him back to let him know I was there for him and gave him my phone number since my e-mail wasn't working right.

The next day, Friday, January 19, 2001 I went to class as usual and when I came back that afternoon I went to my computer while my roommate, Christy, was on our phone. There was a knock on our door and she was right by it so she opened the door and it was Joe.

"Hi!" I jumped up and ran towards him, but instead of us greeting each other with a smile as we usually did, I saw the crushed look on his face. Christy must have noticed too because she left us alone in our room.

It was awful to hear Joe's voice crack as he said the words, "He died."

I immediately hugged him and started crying, telling him I was so sorry. Apparently his dad had been chopping wood outside their house in the country (his mom was in town) and had gone inside to call the hospital (his mom passed the ambulance on her way home and when she went inside her house she saw the phone book open and no sign of her husband). By the time the ambulance had gotten to him, Jim was unconscious and not responding to their efforts. He was flown to a hospital in Des Moines, IA where he had open heart surgery. . .but he never woke up. His family stayed by his side until the next morning they went to go get breakfast. When they returned, they were told that Jim had passed on.

Doctors weren't sure what exactly caused the heart attack - his cholesterol was fine, but there still could have been some plaque in an artery. Or, there was speculation as to whether a small hole, possibly caused by a childhood virus, had been to blame. Joe told me that his ride was waiting - he was joining his family at his mom's house an hour away, but he'd wanted to stop by my place to tell me the news. I thanked him. . .and then we said goodbye. . .it was one of the worst moments ever.

Christy was not only a great roommate, but a great friend. She bought me my favorite candy and she canceled her plans (she had the biggest social calendar of anyone I'd ever met) so that she could hang out with me and watch movies all night.

The next day (Saturday) I called his mom to give her my sympathy. . .they were having a small memorial service at their house that weekend (his dad was cremated after he donated his organs) but even though I told Joe I'd like to come, he said he preferred I didn't. . .we'd been dating 8 months but I hadn't met his sisters or any of his other family yet and he didn't want it to be under those circumstances. So I sent a plant instead. . .and Joe was back at school on Monday. (I met his sisters a month later.)

Our relationship definitely changed after that. Until then it'd been kind of a puppy love. No drama, just all very cutesy and clean and easy and on-the-surface. After that, our walls came down, we shared our thoughts and feelings, we talked about anything and everything, we spent every moment of our free time together and it was on a stronger level. We still goofed around, but our relationship was much more serious - which obviously was necessary for us to move on towards marriage. We got engaged one year later (Valentine's Day 2002) and were married the year after that (April 2003).

It was sad not to have Joe's dad at our wedding, but I know that he was there in spirit. I also know that he knows he has a grandson now. . . in fact, I remember that when I was pregnant in 2007 but before I knew it was a boy, one of the reasons why I was so sure it was a boy was because I had a dream that Joe's dad was letting us know he was watching over us and so his gift was to give Joe a son so he could know the love his dad felt having Joe as a son. At that point we'd already decided on the name Logan and were toying with middle names. . .after my dream I told Joe Logan's middle name should be James after Joe's dad.

And so, Jim lives on in Logan James who is already showing many signs of following in both his father and grandfather's footsteps with his personality and even his interests. I am proud, for those are the kind of men I hope Logan will become.