Everything--3

This was written on Thursday, July 16, 2009:

After my previous two posts which I mentioned contained the end to my long updates, I realized there were a few things I forgot to mention and so here is another (a part three)!

*Logan started playing ball (throwing) at 12 months old.

*This month we finally asked our Godparents if we could put them in our will as to who would raise Logan if something happened to us. They were really honored. I've known the woman for almost twenty years. . .it is the couple I mentioned in my last post when talking about honey. But hopefully it won't ever be necessary! (UPDATE: We later changed this to a couple here in Omaha since they have similar lives and parenting styles to us -- and Logan is best friends with their son.  But I absolutely love my childhood friend & her husband and know they will make fabulous parents someday.)

*At 11 months old when I said (in Logan's car's voice), "I am Lightning McQeeen," he would walk over to his car and try to climb on (he began climbing off & on at 13 months and now will actually stand on it and put his arms out to the side as if he's a dare devil. Just this week he actually made it go by himself for the first time - this is such a relief - I have been pushing him around since he was 9 months old even though he's been capable of doing it himself since 12 months, he just hasn't wanted to. . .hopefully now he will!) The first time the "Lightning McQueen" thing happened I was saying it randomly because that phrase was in my head - so I was impressed that it clicked inside his brain. It's still fun to say anything and see him react/know everything I say!

*In his final days of crawling (10.5/11 months old) he would try to go so fast that he would bow his head down and use it for speed. Hilarious.

*He's been leaning to the side since 10 months old when he's looking for something - it's adorable! I love him so much!!!!!!

*Since 11 months old he tries to pet our dogs, but somehow understands that he's not capable yet and so he sticks his hand out and pats the air next to them and makes his kissy sound. It's cute :)

He's even been doing that to the geese at our park (Joe took him the other night and I took him today) - and to Chris' cats when we were at her place a couple of weeks ago (I think it was the first time Logan had ever seen cats.  By the way - I spoke too soon - her nanny resigned on Monday so they started Gregory in a professional daycare yesterday; she asked if there were openings at Logan's babysitter's but, as I wrote about the other day, Logan's babysitter is actually a couple kids over her limit right now). Also, Logan did the "pat thing" to a cat he saw at the vet today when we went to pick up some soft food because Cosmo had his dental surgery, poor guy, he had one tooth extracted so he's on pain meds for three days. He also has an infection on his shoulder so they shaved that area to see if that would help, but if it doesn't heal within the month (I just thought it was a fat deposit because I heard & read that those are common bumps for dogs, unfortunately I noticed this 4 months ago) then we'll have to bring him back and he'll be put on antibiotics and they'll take a slide of it to make sure it's nothing else.

Otherwise, everything went well and he's acted normal all day, aside from being a little lazier. I brought him in at 7:45 am and he came home at 2 pm. His teeth have never looked so fantastic. They are shiny, clean, pearly whites! We have all kinds of stuff we can do to them to keep them like this now. . .otherwise they will start building tarter again in just 24 hrs. :(

*The eerie thing about the day Michael Jackson died is that before we knew (that was the day we had gone to the zoo with Andrea), Logan started doing the moonwalk in our kitchen! I was clapping and telling him what he was doing, who Michael Jackson was. Then, like, an hour later I turned on the TV and saw the news. Any time his music was played that week, Logan would immediately start dancing.

*Still now at almost 15 months old Logan will stuff his mouth with food if I don't watch him. I pray he never chokes. Sometimes he can hide food in his mouth so I won't realize that he hasn't swallowed when he asks for more and the next thing I know his cheeks are puffed out and it's falling out between his lips.

The good news is that his growth spurt seems to be evening out, or at least he hasn't been eating every hour since he returned from my parents' place on Monday! But that also means he's been getting up at 6:30 again - except for today it was actually SIX and then he only took a 2 hr nap and didn't go to bed until almost 10 pm. So it's actually the complete opposite of last week.

*I don't know if I've ever mentioned here that Logan has always been different with Joe than me. (Worse-behaved!) Joe will come home from work and I'll need a break so I'll go in "my office" or somewhere. . .and then I'll hear whining for the next half an hour. When Logan was a baby I used to come and take over for Joe because Logan would stop crying immediately with me but not with Joe. However, now I try to ignore it because Logan's whining isn't the same as crying and I realize I need to give Joe his own "alone experiences" with Logan - but it's hard for me because hearing that sound annoys me. I realize I need to leave my house if I want to truly relax. Which I did tonight (more on that in a minute.)

If you read my past two posts then you know Logan was at my parents' place over the weekend because I was ready for my monthly break. Unfortunately, not long after he was back I was already exhausted again. :( Like I said in those two posts, I just find this age difficult. Not because of anything out of the ordinary going on with him - I have to admit he's generally a good boy, it's just that I'm just not good with chaos. . .it's draining to me. . .but that is the life with any toddler!

The reason why I thought motherhood was so easy from day 1 to 9 months old (at that time I wrote that months 4, 6, & 7 were the hardest of those 9 - but I only said that because the other months he didn't fuss at all and during those three he had "some moments." Looking back, those months were really a breeze!) He gave me time to breathe - he was a baby, not a toddler boy bouncing off the walls. His cries were easy for me to understand and always necessary. I remember telling Joe that I was never tired because the energy I used towards Logan fed me so that I always had more. I'm sure you've all had experience with the good kind of stress and the bad kind of stress. The good kind drives you, the bad kind depeletes you. I'd never experienced so much happiness, joy, love, energy, fulfillment, and peace day in and day out for an entire year, so I was aware at the time that 2008 was the best year of my life.

Unfortunately, in 2009 the bad kind of stress started taking over and so this has not been one of my favorite years. Last year I felt good about myself because I was living a productive life as a new stay at home mom. Now, I never feel I get anything worthwhile accomplished. My house always looks like a bulldozer went through it, there's no point in cleaning because as soon as I do, Logan makes a mess. He loves to scatter as much as he can all around. At 15 months old (in two days) this isn't something I can really teach him not to do. (Although in a few months that should change, hopefully.) He's just being a 15 month old, and as long as he's not into anything harmful or breakable (which he's usually not) then it's helping his development. He could care less about his toys the past month. Learning how household items work is what stimulates him now. . .but this means I'm constantly watching him to make sure he doesn't kill himself or truly destroy things. (It was cute the other day: Joe was using a screwdriver and Logan watched him for a moment, then picked up another screwdriver and took it over to another screw and twisted it correctly!)

But, looking at my surroundings and seeing dirty dishes piled high, no clear space on the counters, toys strewn all over the family room floor, couch pillows all around, empty sacks, paper, clothes. . .it brings me down - so then I'm not only tired physically but I am tired emotionally as well.

Not only does Logan make a mess of one room when I'm cleaning another, but most of the time he really doesn't give me an opportunity to clean (so that part of My Summer/Fall Schedule has gotten an F; the other stuff I give myself a B+ so far). There is just no free time! I spend my days doing the exact same things every single day. (We haven't had a chance to buy my camera yet, My New Hobby, so maybe starting photography this weekend will help. If I had the camera I would have posted a pic of my new hair - as of yesterday it's brown/natural from now on!)

Even though my hours are spent doing pleasant activities (it's been the most beautiful, perfect-weather summer I can ever remember - so, for example, today we went to the park twice which was fun), it is exhausting for me.

I'm thankful for how energetic he is. . . I love his goofy/crazy personality. Like I wrote about in my Boys Will Be Boys post, Logan is the stereotypical boy and I love it. I love him! I can't imagine meeting a soul that is sweeter! But. . .I'm wiped out by 10 am.

Also, cold #6 (or #3 for his "year two") has come. Fortunately, it hasn't been bad and is already almost gone, but I didn't take him to his babysitter's on Tuesday - where he's been going 8 hrs a week since he was 11 months old due to me realizing I need that amount of break to get my energy back up, until now that amount was all I needed. . .maybe I need even more. So it's been a longer week for me.

Around the time Logan turned a year old he became a normal person (meaning, he has since had moods - he doesn't cry anymore but he whines. The difference is whining is hardly ever necessary. . .from my point of view anyway)!

In my most recent two posts I mentioned that Logan's temper tantrums which started in month twelve but stopped before month thirteen, returned in month fourteen - well, they are every day now. From reading other mom blogs with this age group I see that is normal and healthy. I try to remind myself this is a good thing - without them he will not be the type of person I want him to be: independent, confident, and to always know who he is. If it doesn't happen now, then it will in the future. Parents who use authoritarian parenting to expect their children not to have "the terrible twos" are setting themselves and their children up for disaster in the future.

Even though his are short and mild, it is hard when I have no clue why he's throwing them. I'm probably feeling what a lot of mothers feel when they first have a baby - "what is wrong?" He's still a happy child and smiles more than the average. . .it's just that one minute later he can find something to scrunch up his face about. His consistant and predictable smile used to be his trademark - strangers came up to us and remarked about how they couldn't believe how jovial he was. He's still well-behaved in public (knock on wood, still no tears or yelling around others) but now is usually "serious."

The good news is that from what I've read, we might be getting the "terrible twos" over with early. It is common for children to be fussier before they turn two rather than after. I've mentioned here before that Joe's mom said he was easy from age two on, but was difficult and exhausting from 0 to 2. Hmmm, maybe I was wrong in my previous post when I said that Logan doesn't seem to be taking after Joe at all. At least I hope this is the case (even with Logan being easy his first 9 months). . .and also maybe it's just my age preference, like what I said in Everything--2 about how I can easily visualize myself getting along well with a 3+ child (or even 2) better than right now when there is limited communication. The age of 1 to 2 just might not be my cup of tea and I guess that's okay.

Logan & I still feel like kindred spirits (close & connected), but while month 11 he was the easiest and most fun of his life, month 14 has been the hardest of his life, for sure.

Anyway, so even though Logan isn't 100% over his cold, I took him to Babysitter's today and then asked her if she was full tomorrow. She's not, but she's not going to be there because her husband is having surgery so Logan will have to be at home. Well my grandparents are coming this weekend so I can't keep this place looking like a disaster. I NEED TO CLEAN! Joe had to work until after 7 pm tonight and so by the time he came home I was ready to lose it.

I hadn't even had time to make supper, and Logan had laughed three different times when I'd said "no" about trying to pull a glass dish out of our china cabinet drawer. I tried "time out" which I've only done once before (otherwise I've always done "re-drecting" while saying "no" which has worked until now - but now that he has started disobeying "no" he needs consequences for his actions). However, I really don't think he's old enough to "get" time-out yet. It was obvious he had no idea I was closing him in our family room because of the china dish; therefore, it wasn't going to teach him anything. All it did was make him worse because when he was being bad he was actually happy - but once I closed the baby gates on him he started screaming and continued whining even after I opened the gates so he was even more work for me. I'm like, that just made him think that if he cries I give in so he should keep whining!

Thankfully, I'm LOVING Dr. Sears' The Discipline Book (I wrote about it in my post, Attachment Parenting. I have the same reaction as I did to every paragraph in The Fussy Baby Book: I shout "This is sooo good!" at the top of my lungs) so I'm looking forward to getting to the part that teaches effective ways of discipline. Every age is different. Every child is different. So while time-out might work for Logan in the future, I'm not going to do it again for another 9 months. It felt ridiculous to me today. When I find something that feels right I'm going to stick with it.

Needless to say, Logan was still whiny when Joe came home and I yelled at Logan (which I had already done earlier in the day - something I've mentioned here before that I've prided myself on only having done two other days in Logan's entire life because I grew up in a family that yelled daily. The other two days were the only moments I've ever gotten the slightest bit frustrated with him in his almost 15 months but this was the second time for me saying, "shut up!") I felt bad and told Joe I hate being like this - I needed to leave. So I got in my car and left for an hour. Crying and feeling like a bad mother, deciding that I should not have anymore children because one is too much for me. I don't expect to be perfect anymore, but I do expect to be able to act like the adult.

I picked up a sandwich from Jimmy John's and went back to the park for my third time today and then felt better. When I got home Logan was smiling and never once whined until he finally went to bed. I hope he sleeps in tomorrow but I'm not planning on it. (Going to bed later has never made him sleep in later.) My parents were kind enough to offer to watch him again next weekend when our friends come over. . .and by then he will officially be 15 months old which means he'll probably change again! Even with 2009 being a harder year for me, there were still months 8, 11, and 13 when he was easier & I very much enjoyed, so there is hope for the next five.

At least I had a relaxing weekend - a bath on Friday, a Lifetime movie on Saturday, and sat on the deck and read on Sunday. Still, Joe told me to contact a cleaning service and to start having someone come in August. We'll see if it helps!