Attachment Parenting

A few months ago I wrote a post titled The Fussy Baby Book, about a book I read by doctors William & Martha Sears. I also liked a book by the Sears family (the most popular & trusted pediatricians in America) called The Vaccine Book, which I mentioned in my post 4 Months Old. So, now I've bought The Discipline Book by the same authors, hoping that it will help me gain confidence with the toddler stage as well. All of the Sears books focus on a style of parenting called "attachment parenting." I didn't realize until I became a supporter that there are a lot of misconceptions about what it is. So, I'm going to summarize The Fussy Baby Book to explain this method of parenting!

Attachment parenting is often misunderstood as "liberal" and "spoiling" parenting. But the Sears say that it's the most natural, instinctive way to parent - however many people don't do it because in the U.S. in the Twentieth Century a message was sent (by the same people who told women to stop breastfeeding because formula was better and to also put women completely unconscious during childbirth) that parents must be strict if they wanted their kids to behave and to be successful. But attachment parenting has actually shown a higher success rate when it comes to good behavior and better self-esteem because parents listen to their children's needs. Babies don't manipulate, they communicate.

As said on page 7, "attachment parenting begins with giving the infant roots, then helps her develop the wings to become independent and ultimately gives her the tools to become a solid and secure person."

This style of parenting actually makes children more flexible, patient, and disciplined.

On page 9, William & Martha talked about the fourth of their eight children: "We gradually figured out that the child shouldn't control the parents or the parents control the child. Yet parents must control situations; when there is no limit-setting, family life is a disaster. We needed to be in charge of Hayden, to give her house rules and then control her environment so that it was not difficult for her to comply with these rules."

That doesn't sound like liberal or spoiling to me.

From Wikipedia: "According to attachment theory, a strong emotional bond with parents during childhood, also known as a secure attachment, is a precursor of secure, empathic relationships in adulthood.

Attachment theory, originally proposed by John Bowlby, states that the infant has a tendency to seek closeness to another person and feel secure when that person is present. Bowlby had earlier proposed in his maternal deprivation hypothesis published in 1951 that maternal deprivation would not only cause depression in children, but also acute conflict and hostility, decreasing their ability to form healthy relationships in adult life.

In attachment theory, attachment is considered a biological system and children are naturally attached to their parents because they are social beings, not just because they need other people to satisfy drives."

(You can find a complete guide to attachment parenting in the Sears' book, The Attachment Parenting Book.)

What has this meant for us?

I highlighted page 15 that said: "You can often spot high-need babies in the hospital nursery. These babies put more energy into everything they do. They cry loudly, feed voraciously, laugh with gusto, and protest more forcefully if their needs are not met. Because they feel everything so deeply, they react powerfully if their feelings are disturbed. 'If I don't feed him as soon as he fusses, he falls apart' is a common statement from the mother of such a baby. You can read the intensity of the baby's feelings in her body language. The fists are clenched, back arched, muscles tensed, as if ready for action."

Even though Logan isn't usually "high-need," that paragraph described him to a T. Each nurse who came into my room after I gave birth said stuff like, "So it's YOUR little guy who is the loudest in the nursery." Or, "He's going to be very strong-willed."

This is still his behavior when he doesn't eat right away or something else upsets him. But, thankfully most of the time he is easy-going, laid-back, and quiet. I believe this is because Joe & I have met his needs and so he hasn't had to fight. (Or else he still would be like the baby we met in the hospital.) He's learned how to be content. He could still improve on patience, haha, but he rarely ever screams or acts stubborn like he did during his first week of life.

The Sears books supports my thought: "The majority of parents we have counseled brought their high-need babies into the world and followed their own intuitive parenting to give their child the level of care he needed. This is healthy behavior that will work to the advantage of parent and child."

I do have one regret, though. I didn't start my "instinctive parenting" until he was about 5 days old. (Again, that makes sense why he became a lot easier and calmer from then on - he had to be the opposite before then.) I was just so clueless. . .I seriously thought that the nurses in the hospital must know more than I did about my baby and they would take better care of him than me. So, I didn't even keep him in my room most of the time during my 48 hrs in the hospital. (Using the nursery had been recommended by our childbirth class instructor and Joe & I had thought, yeah, why not, we have the rest of our lives.) I was so worn out from my 4-hr pushing phase, and Logan was a stranger (I bonded and became close to him on day 3 - when we found out he had jaundice and had to go to the hospital. Until then I definitely loved him, but I didn't have a huge connection or mother's instinct toward him yet. From day 3 on, though, it was major!)

Thankfully, it didn't seem to cause any problems with us - we've had an ideal healthy, close relationship. But I will still do it differently next time because I've learned how incredibly important those first hours are between baby & mother! Page 45: "Fresh from a soft, warm womb and a little time in mother's arms, baby takes a bumpy ride to the newborn nursery, where he stays on a static mattress in a plastic box, surrounded by bright lights, chatty adults, and a lineup of other babies in plastic boxes. What he needs is to stay with his mother so that he can gaze at her face and use her smell, her movements, and her holding to help him stay calm and feel safe. He is miserable and frightened in the plastic box and cries desperately. If there is a nurse there who has time, she might pick him up, but chances are he'll have to wait. He'll cry and cry until he exhausts himself to sleep, in the process experiencing very disturbing feelings. Bonding will be severely disrupted, and he will learn that he cannot trust that his needs will be met.

"The nursery option is a biologically incorrect setup. The nurse is the one who initially hears the baby's cry, but the mother (in another room) is the one who is biologically programmed to calm the cries. Most infants have two phases to their cry. The early phase, called the attachment-promoting phase, is the perfect signal, disturbing enough to pompt the listener to want to pick up and hold the baby and give a comforting response, but not so disturbing as to make the listener want to avoid the baby. In the nursery arrangement this is the phase of the cry that the nurse hears and she eventually takes the baby down to the mother's room. However, by the time baby gets to his mother, his cries are in the next phase - the avoidance promoting phase. His cries escalate into a shrill sound, and the mother is presented with an anxious, frightened baby whose cries cause her to be anxious, even frightened. Mothers and babies who start out life in separate rooms are out of sync."

Wikipedia: "Dr. Sears' theory of attachment parenting fosters a secure bond with their children by promoting eight principles which are identified as goals for parents to strive for. These eight principles are:

Preparation for Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting
Feed with Love and Respect
Respond with Sensitivity
Use Nurturing Touch
Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally
Provide Consistent Loving Care
Practice Positive Discipline
Strive for Balance in Personal and Family Life
These values are interpreted in a variety of ways. Many attachment parents also choose to live a natural family living (NFL) lifestyle, such as natural childbirth, home birth, stay-at-home parenting, co-sleeping, breastfeeding, babywearing, homeschooling, unschooling, the anti-circumcision movement, the anti-vaccination movement, natural health, cooperative movements, naturism and support of organic food.

However, Dr. Sears does not require a parent to strictly follow any set of rules, instead encouraging parents to be creative in responding to their child's needs."

For example, pretty much everyone told me that my baby was going to love to be swaddled. Nope. Aside from his first three days, Logan never liked the confinement. Nor did he ever need me to hold him all day/night long. Still, I tried baby wearing when he was a month old - but that wasn't for us, either. At two months old when I got the whole breastfeeding thing down, I hoped to be able to nurse Logan in bed. Well that did happen for about a month when he was five months old - but that was all it lasted for and he still never slept for more than 20 minutes next to me. Sleeping where he could see me (even to this day) makes him more active. He's always been the most peaceful in his crib alone, so no co-sleeping for us (which is fine with me because I did co-sleep off & on with my mom after her divorce and then I had a very hard time when it came to an end when I was eight because she remarried. However, if done right it is more positive than negative. The Sears have written The Baby Sleep Book for how to co-sleep "correctly.")

On page 34, a study proved that a baby's overall phyisiology - heart rate, breathing, and blood oxygen saturation - was more stable when sleeping next to Mom than when sleeping alone. (Same for baby wearing.) This is what they do in most all other cultures.

Even though attachment parenting encourages doing those things, I am still a follower & supporter because I didn't push them. That's the whole point. I take each day at a time, I go with Logan's flow, and then I react accordingly. Yes, attachment parenting means parents have to relax and let go - but believe me, it's a lot less stressful that way.

Page 16 says: One of the most difficult mental adjustments for parents to make is overcoming the fear of being manipulated and losing control. Once you make the switch in mind-set to believing that your baby is communicating her needs, not controlling your lives, thriving and surviving with a high-need baby will be much easier."

But, sometimes it's hard to read a baby's signals which then makes it hard for a parent to go with the flow. That's why those above bolded guidelines from Wikipedia are a great place to keep going back to. Generally, they are what work.

One thing they encourage that did work for Logan was "feeding frequently." (They've written The Breastfeeding Book to help with issues regarding baby feeding.)

On page 17: Studies show that babies who are fed frequently, as needed, cry less than infants who are fed on a more rigid, parent-controlled schedule."

I've always (and still do) feed Logan on demand. This seriously solved all of his problems when he was a baby. Those not on board with attachment parenting make it sound like a bad thing - that I was setting him up to use food for comfort and to be fat. But, if he hadn't been hungry then he wouldn't have eaten. I never forced him, if he hadn't gulped it all down then I would have had no problem resorting to some other method to make him stop crying. My first instinct as a nursing mother was to offer my breast at the first sign of him crying - and it did prevent him from ever wailing or having any bad nights. I could tell that being able to count on me was what helped him to feel secure; that was all he needed to be calm. There was never frustration on his part, or a struggle, because he felt he was being heard; his message was getting across. He was easier, which made parenting less stressful for me. I can see how this has helped us even now at a year old. We have sort of a telepathic thing going on sometimes. :)

Page 22 says: "The attachment style of parenting really pays off in developing a good fit. The hours you spend each day in high-touch, responsive parenting will naturally help you and your baby."

And, Logan is completely average (50%) in weight now (24 lbs at almost 13 months). Page 18 says: "frequent breastfeeders rarely remain overweight, even if for a while some look like miniature sumo wrestlers. Studies show that the fat cells laid down by breastfeeding babies are quite different from those of babies fed manufactured baby milk. The fat melts away once baby becomes mobile. So how often should you breastfeed your high-need baby? As frequently as baby needs yet not to the extent that it wears you out."

Needs that are met early in life go away. Needs that are left unmet never entirely disappear. Therapists offices are filled with high-need adults in search of re-parenting.

Reacting & following all of my baby's cues makes sense. The Sears' devote an entire chapter on the misguided advice of someone saying "let the baby cry it out." (I wrote about the dangers of the cry it out method on my posts Preparing For Brachial Cleft Surgery and My Son's 5th Month.)

Page 31 says: "It shows not only a misunderstanding of the communication value of the infant's cry, but also a devaluing of the mother's sensitivity. Mothers are not designed to let their babies cry, nor are babies' cries designed to go unanswered."

Page 32 says: "Once you appreciate the special signal value of your baby's cry, the important thing is what you do about it. You have two basic options: ignore or respond. Ignoring your baby's cry is usually a lose-lose situation. A more compliant baby gives up and stops signaling, becomes withdrawn, eventually realizes that crying is not worthwhile and concludes that he himself is not worthwhile either. The baby loses the motivation to communicate with his parents, and the parents miss out on opportunities to get to know their baby. Everyone loses. A baby with a more persistent personality does not give up so easily. Instead, he cries more loudly and keeps escalating his signal, making it more and more disturbing. You could ignore this persistent signal in several ways. You could wait until the baby stops crying and then pick him up, so that he won't think it was his crying that got your attention. This is actually a type of power struggle; you teach the baby that you're in control, but you also teach him that he has no power to communicate. This shuts down parent-child communication, and in the long run everybody loses.

"You could desensitize yourself completely so that you won't be bothered at all by the cry; this way you can teach baby he gets responded to only when it's time. Also, according to this scenario, baby gets used to being in a constant state of want. Not feeling right becomes the norm to be re-created throughout his life. This is another lose-lose situation; baby doesn't get what he needs, and parents remain stuck in a mind-set that doesn't allow them to enjoy the baby's unique personality. Or you could pick baby up to calm him but then put him right back down because 'it's not time to feed him yet.' He has to learn, after all, to be happy 'on his own.' Lose-lose again; he will start to cry again and you will feel angry. He will learn that his desires make you angry. And he will learn his communication, though heard, has not been understood, which can lead him to learn to distrust his own perceptions.

"Your other option is to give a prompt and nurturant response. This is the win-win way for baby and mother to work out a communication system that helps them both. The mother responds promptly and sensitively so that the baby will feel less frantic the next time he needs something. The baby learns to cry "better," in a less disturbing way, since he knows mother will come. Mother structures baby's environment so that there is less need for him to cry, she keeps him close to her if she knows he's tired and ready to sleep. Mother also heightens her sensitivity to the cry so that she can give just the right response: a quick response when the baby is young and prone to fall apart easily or when the cry makes it clear there is real danger; a slower response when the baby is older and can begin to learn to settle the disturbance on his own."

I wish I could copy this entire chapter because it's so good - it goes on to explain how the "cry it out advice" got started, involves lots of data, and then tips on how to respond to your baby's cries. The chapter after that is devoted on "ways to soothe a fussy baby," the next is "feelings shared by parents of high-need children," and the next is "seventeen survival tips for parents of high-need children" - because attachment parenting is NOT catering to your child's every want or never saying no.

Strive for balance.

Page 23 says: "Many new mothers and fathers enter parenting believing they must be in control of their child. Or, they may be the product of controlling parents themselves and have vowed not to do anything to squelch their child's personality. Both extremes cripple a child. Putting the lid on a child's personality stunts the chld's emotional growth."

The way to be a balanced parent is:

1) Consider Yourself. (Make time for yourself. It's like the flight attendant on an airplane, "Put on your oxygen mask before putting on your child's." If you are suffocating, you are no good to your child.)

2) Allow Baby Some Frustration (In the early months babies need a "yes mother." But in the later months, babycare can develop into "martyr mothering" and actually interfere with your child's ability to begin developing a sense of self and a sense of competence.) If you are truly watching your child's signs then you will want to encourage them along the natural progression of life to their next step. There have been many moments in Logan's life that "I" haven't been ready to move on from, but it's so obvious that "he" is and so I don't stop him. Believe in your child. Have confidence in them. And then they will in themselves. (For help on this, check out the Sears' The Successful Child Book.)

3) Make Sleep A Priority (To keep your sanity you must make rest a priority.)

4) Be Positive (If you're exhausted, use some humor: "At least I am getting some exercise.")

5) Be Patient ("This too shall pass.")

6) Focus on the Biggies (Save your energy for the rough edges in your child's personality that you simply can't tolerate and that you feel will later work to her disadvantage. Don't waste energy on the smallies - they will take care of themselves.)

7) Realize Your Child Is Unique (Disregard what a baby is "supposed" to be like)

8) Don't Compare (Just because your child is different, doesn't mean they are wrong)

9) Get Out (Especially if you are a SAHM - leave the house and be around other people)

10) If You Resent It, Change It (I can relate to page 93: "Your six-month old awakens daily at 6:15 am raring to go and demanding playmates. You are a night person, hate getting up at dawn, and like to wake up slowly." So change what YOU'RE doing, change your understanding of your child, and change your attitude. You can find the positives about mornings.)

11) Get Help (Choose your allies)

12) Job Share (Trying to practice attachment parenting without your spouse's help can wear you out if you don't have extended family to help.)

13) Plan Ahead (Learn to anticipate your child's needs, and avoid, as much as possible situations that set you up for conflicts.)

14) Take The Long View (Shaping a child's behavior is a gradual process. You will not see daily change.)

15) Get Behind The Eyes Of Your Child ("If I were Beth, what would I want my mother to say?")

16) It's No One Else's Fault (The key is to get your personalities to mesh rather than clash.)

17) Study Your Child (Once you get in sync with your child, you will be able to stop relying on outside advice and trust yourself)

The next chapter is devoted to "mother burnout," followed by "helping the high-need child go to sleep and stay asleep," then "feeding high-need children," then "hidden causes of fussiness in infants," and the last section is "the high-need child grows up."

Only time will tell how my child grows up, but so far I've seen all positive effects from attachment parenting and no negative effects, so that's why I'm looking forward to reading The Discipline Book - because now I want to know how to keep following attachment parenting into the toddler years when the natural thing is for the child to unattach (which is where the "terrible twos" come from).

I'm guessing the Sears' will remind me to use my instinct and to stay balanced :)