First Babysitter At 11 Months

This was originally written on Wednesday, March 18, 2009:

I did not expect myself to cry today, but here I am now second guessing the whole thing. I really wish I just didn't have to do it. . .that I could be Superwoman and would never need a babysitter for my son. I know that's not healthy -- my husband and I do need to start going on dates again. A couple of months ago my massage therapist made a good comment: a lot of mothers get so focused on their children that not only do they lose themselves but they lose their relationship with their husbands. But children grow up and move on, so if you don't keep your marriage first priority (yes, that means over your children which is way easier said than done!) then that's why so many marriages fail. So, finding a nighttime/weekend babysitter for Joe & I to have time "just the two of us" will be next. Those who have been following my blog know that this babysitter is for the part about the mother not losing herself. :p I made it 11 months without ever needing one, but Logan went to my parents' house the last two weekends for the first time by himself because I needed a break, but they live out of state so they aren't an option for just a random hour here & there during the week like those who live in the same city as their family.

Every day from when I called the very first sitter to see if it would be possible for my son to go 8 hrs a week so that I can get other things done (because I put 110% into being a stay at home mom to my precious son and I want to continue loving it, which I have so far), I have tried to see if I could make it work by myself. . .but even though I'm out of my funk now (which you can read about in my post, 10.5 Months Old), I do need help.

So on Monday I called the babysitter who we chose and told her we'd like her as "the one" (you can read the results of my interview on my post, It's Going To Work!), could we start with two half-days next Tues & Thurs March 24th & 26th? She said "yes" and asked if I could come over sometime this week to get the paperwork. She suggested I bring Logan while the kids were there to see how he did. So, this morning from 10:15-11:15 Logan & I went over there. Her husband and son answered the door. . .I guess there's nothing wrong with that. . .they seemed like nice & normal clean-cut people who were doing their own thing upstairs. But there's the "control freak" part of me that hates that I won't be able to control who is around my son when I'm not -- or worse yet, that I might not ever have any idea. But that's going to be the case anytime Logan is away from me. . .and it's not practical or healthy to never be apart now that he's turning a year old. I'm the daughter of a Special Agent so I grew up friends with the police. Therefore, I'm not "too trusting." I will keep my eyes wide open and watch them like hawks, I will never turn off my gut instinct -- and so that's how I trust that my son will be safe.

Fortunately, the majority of people in this world are decent human beings. However, in the news all you hear about are the ones who aren't. Over the weekend there was a story on Headline News about a couple arrested for molesting their at-home day care kids. Thanks, that was just what I needed to hear. Then later that day there was another story about a woman who shut down her at-home day care after she accidentally gave her kids windshield wiper fluid to drink.

90% of myself wants to desperately keep Logan glued to me because I'd rather something bad happen in my care than someone else's. There's a part that truly thinks I can keep him protected from anything bad in the world. But the other 10% knows that it is impossible. We don't live in a world where you can avoid bad things happening. Unless I actually want to hold him back and make him feel weak, insecure & incapable, then I need to follow his cues and if he's showing me that he's confident and secure and happy, then I need to trust & have faith that he is - and will be - okay. She doesn't have a webcam, but said that I can stop by at any time without any notice. I'm so glad I'm going to my counselor again because we talked about this on Monday and she's helping me balance these normal & natural feelings so maybe they can at least get to be 50/50!

When I went around the corner to the stairs, there were three cute boys with their heads over the baby gate and big smiles. "Hi Logan!" They cheered. I couldn't help but smile at that. There were two 4-year-olds, one 3-year-old (who is going to be 4 next month), a two-year-old, and 9-month old. I had planned on the one day a week being Wednesdays (middle of the week - good day to have my break), but now I've scratched that idea because Wednesdays are her second bussiest days (Fridays she has all of her kids at once--which mean 6 others aside from Logan, Wednesdays 5, Mondays 4, and Tuesdays & Thursdays 2 until school is out, then there will be 3 aside from Logan when the girls come, which I mentioned in my post, It's Going To Work!).

Plus, I've decided 8 hrs all in the same day will be too long for Logan (and me, lol), especially since he wouldn't get a good nap there. Before, I didn't know if a half-day would allow me enough time, but I will MAKE IT work. So, it will end up being 4 hrs two mornings a week, probably Tuesdays & Thursdays. That should also help him adjust quicker. Since I'll be picking Logan up at noon, he'll take his nap here which will continue to give me another couple of hours on the days he goes over there.

I'm glad to know this isn't something I have to do, we can stop it at any time. If I notice anything negative from it, then I'll know I tried but that it wasn't for us. Fortunately, so far, Logan is giving great signs that we should go ahead with it, and so even though when I left today & got into my car my first words were, "I don't know if I can do this!" we're going to take it one step at a time.

Since we stayed for an hour, I was able to talk to Babysitter more and get other questions answered. Of course I was looking for things wrong this time (rather than last time everything seemed perfect), but anyone can always find something wrong with everyone if you disect and analyze everything they say or do. For example, noticing how Logan was putting the toys in his mouth and then the 9 month old came over and put the same toys in his mouth. . . "So how often do you wash the toys?" Her response: "A lot." What does that mean? Or, when the older boys wanted to go outside and play, they did while we stayed inside with Logan, the 9 month old, and the 2 year old. . .even though the yard is fenced and appears safe, is that okay to do?

She seemed like a very good sitter and good with the kids, though, so I'm trying to tell myself it's not really "daycare". . .it's more like I'm just dropping him off to play with other kids for 4 hrs. It's really no different than if he was in a playgroup (Joe was in one until pre-school, and it rotated between the houses each week) -- chances are I wouldn't know the moms prior to joining one, but this woman actually has experience, is trained, and certified. I feel more comfortable with this scenerio than putting Logan in an actual professional daycare, because I went to three of those as a child and never got any attention or supervision because there were just so many other kids. At least this way I feel like she will stop kids from being mean to him. . .although that is a huge fear of mine.

I know that no parent wants their kid to be picked on, but I recognize that I have an irrational fear about this. I was concerned about it already when I was pregnant, but I thought the earliest I would have to worry about it was 3 or 4 yrs old when Logan goes to pre-school. But, once again, if I want him around any children at all before (which I do, that's a healthy part of his growth & development) then he's going to be around imperfect behaviors. This will happen just playing with a kid under my own nose. But I was suddenly overcome the other day by the obsession of what if some little kid at this daycare hurts Logan?

I talked about this with my counselor on Monday and she really made a good point. Because of what I went through - being bullied as a kid was the main part of my life for several years - gives us an advantage. (I've never talked about my experience on this blogsite, but I probably will in a future post.) There is no way it will ever get that bad for Logan because he has ME as a mom. My parents didn't realize the extent of what was going on. Apparently nor did the teachers, even though it was happening right under their noses. There was that whole concept of "everyone must learn to get along." As a child I didn't think I had any options. I really thought I just had to suffer through it every day for 5 years. As an adult I see that is SO not the case. If Logan is hurting because of someone else, then I will confront the teacher and ask why they aren't doing their job by stopping the behavior. I will go to the other child's parents and make them aware that it is not acceptable. We will arrange a meeting between Logan and the other kid, away from their normal environment, in the presence of adults. If worse comes to worse, we will change schools or whatever needs to be done.

The stuff I had to go through as a kid because "it would benefit us as adults" - is not allowed for adults! It's against the law. In a workplace the person would be fired. But nobody around me realized this at the time and so I didn't have a support system. A child needs a support system as well as tools to deal with it on their own.

Logan already has a support system. My parents split up when I was two years old, so I came from an insecure homelife. Logan has a secure environment - parents that he knows he will always be able to count on who will have his back, and so those things will already give him an advantage that I didn't have as far as healthy self-esteem and confidence. Then, if I encourage him, letting him know he has the power & ability to stop it - that is, not make him think that he needs to hide behind me but instead know that he is capable and I am cheering him on - then he will also have the tools.

I can't avoid other people being mean to him, now or in the future, but I can teach him to hold his head high rather than bow down so that he doesn't end up suffering. Right now he is soooo secure, it amazes me. . .I think that's why it brought tears to my eyes when one of the kids was bouncing a blow-up ball and it accidentally hit Logan in the head. Logan didn't care, nor did he act like it was anything scary to be at Babysitter's with all of the kids running around. She said they were more hyper than usual because they were excited about Logan, so she was warning me that Logan would probably feel overwhelmed, as most kids in her 26 years of practice start crying during this visit. Not only did Logan never cry (although watching the boys so rambunctious made me cry) no matter how much the other kids got up in his face to say, "Hi Logan!" and then touched his head or feet or arm, but he just stayed completely relaxed and laid back the whole hour. Finding toys that he enjoyed playing with and acting like we did this every day.

At many different times Babysitter expressed how impressed she was with him, asking if he was always like this, to which I started crying again. . .yes, he's easy. . .so what's wrong with me, why can't I do it?!

She said that typically the firstborns are the hardest, neediest, slowest to adjust children -- especially if they've never been with a stranger in these 11 months like Logan. . .but Logan didn't seem that way at all. Thank God, though, because knowing me if Logan had so much as frowned for a second or acted even a fraction uncomfortable I probably would have told her we were changing our mind. But instead, he was so happy and interested in everyone & everything, and when we came home he was in a good mood, like he was thanking me for our little outing. He seems to really like new experiences. It made me wonder if "security" is also part something we are born with? I mean, obviously if you grow up in a bad environment you're not going to be secure, but many parents can attest to having several children and noticing from day one that one or more are needier or more sensitive than another/others. Therefore, maybe certain children are more succeptable to being insecure and need more to get secure, just as sometimes there are the rare, amazing & impressive people who despite a bad environment come out on top - maybe they have an extra dose of security that helped them when their environment didn't.

As I look back at Logan's first year, noticing how he didn't care for the baby bjorn or baby wearing, or me holding him in my arms for long periods, how he was very adaptable to both the breast & bottle (and never even needed his milk warm), how he weaned himself from the pacifier on his own at 4 months, how he weaned himself on his own from breastfeeding at 9 months, how aside from one day at 9 months old with Joe's mom he has never shown the slightest concern with anyone different watching him (especially at my parents house the past two weekends for 48 hrs), how he refuses to have a security object, how he has always only wanted to sleep alone and doesn't want any help getting there. . .it sure does appear that he was born with a sense of his own security. So I just PRAY PRAY PRAY that he will keep that as he "goes out into the world."

I know that children change all of the time, so I hope I'll be able to differentiate between what I know are typical behaviors that he will have no matter what (even though they are negative) and those that he's picking up from daycare. I want him to stay my little Logan who is so angelic. . .is this impossible? Are kids better behaved and more secure if they don't go to daycare until 3, 4, or 5 years old? Are they less easily to be influenced the older they are when first brought into this environment -- i.e. does putting him in this environment now mean that he's going to completely change into someone else than who he'd be otherwise because he's going to learn to be aggressive rather than sweet and gentle? Or, is it harder for kids the later they go? Will he have more separation anxiety from home & mom, and issues being on his own, fear towards other kids. . .? Or does it not really matter at all? Will he be who he'll be regardless of these two half-days a week? I wish I could find research on this because I don't know. . .and like with everything else I've ever blogged about, I just want to do the best thing I can for my son.

From my own experience, being in daycare and at several babysitters houses, was not a positive experience. So I was 100% against it as an option for my kids until this year in 2009! Daycare is where I got picked on for the first time, nearly died when a boy at the pool tried to drown me, and unlike the stereotype -- it did not make me more social. I started off that way and then as the years went by I went more in a shell. But, that brings me back to the whole topic I discussed with my counselor -- that doesn't have to be Logan's experience. He will still be spending the majority of his days with me. That means Joe & I will have the most influence. So hopefully I will stay open to this rather than becoming against it again! It'd be nice if this can end up working for the next few years with both of my children (whenever #2 arrives).

On a final note, I mentioned Logan's brachial cleft fistula to Babysitter and what a coincidence - her daughter has it in her ear and one of her sons has it in another place that I didn't know you could get it: his butt! She said that the holes always drained & got infected while they were growing up, but the doctor told them the ear is too risky to have surgery on because it can mess up the nerves and change the face. (I remember our ENT saying the same thing - they usually don't bother to do surgery in the ear since it's not as serious, the procedure itself is actually a lot scarier.) The butt one has been an anoyance for her son but hasn't caused any problems. I told her I was glad to know there's another place I should look on my next child aside from the ear & neck, lol.

One of the 4-year-olds was funny, he asked, "Is Logan a baby?" I said, "Yes." He said, "When is he going to grow up?" I think he was disappointed that he wouldn't have someone to run around with, haha. They all did seem to like him, though, and Babysitter said that when the 3 girls start coming (which are the only kids he will be with on a Tues or Thurs) they will love playing with him because they all want to be teachers and so they play "school" and sing and dance.

The vibe I get is that this is a good idea and it will be a positive experience so I hope that I am right. SIGH. By the way, today Logan turned 11 months old!!!!