All Kinds Of Stuff

This was originally written on Saturday, March 28, 2009:

Okay I definitely recommend the babysitter thing for stay at home moms -- it was a very healthy move for me, which means it will be a healthy move for Logan as soon as he adjusts (more on that in a minute)! On Thursday while he was there I went grocery shopping, gave one of my dogs a bath, did 30 minutes of exercise, and finished a book I'd been reading FOREVER. In just those 4 hrs I did more for myself than I'd been doing during an entire week in 2009. Even though I was busy, I GAINED energy so that this week when I was with Logan all of the other hours and days, I was 100% having a blast with him.

That had not been happening lately. For the past couple of months I'd been staring at the clock a lot of days, counting the hours until Joe would get home from work. Don't get me wrong, the majority of the time I was having fun with my little guy (I can't help but every day verbally tell Logan how much fun he is), but two of the most important things I strive for in life are to 1) Be real 2) Be in the moment. Now I can like being real every moment again!

Those reasons are part of why I blog. Some people have a problem with bloggers like me who "tell it all," but I will never make apologies for being real. I want people to know "the real me." Those who have been my faithful readers, never missing a post (and reading every word), getting caught up when they get behind, posting comments or sending e-mails about topics I write about - you guys actually know me the best and so I appreciate you taking the time to do so. I learned that not everyone is comfortable with me putting everything "out there," back when Joe & I made a website after we got married (it had pictures and info for our family & friends). I was thrilled when I was able to post my geneology info after interviewing my great aunt the summer of '03. I had no idea what a fascinating story my mom's side of the family had! (I'll have to post it here sometime - her grandma was sent to the U.S. from Italy as steerage on a ship to live in a convent in New York because her mom married a man with two sons and didn't want her daughter to be around them!)

Flash forward two years later when my great aunt's son who I've only met once stumbled across my website in Texas and demanded I take it down. Apparently he called her (she is in her 90's so she doesn't understand the internet) and made it sound like I was bad-mouthing the family to millions of people. My great aunt called my grandma (her sister) crying, telling her I was ruining the family's name forever! My grandma called my mom who then called me wondering what in the world was going on.

To make a long story short, I had mentioned that their grandma (the one who had been sent to New York) had been married to an alcoholic. I also said that their father (my great grandfather) had been invited to be a part of the mafia and when he refused they fired shots through his house. My grandma said yes, this was all true, so there was no reason why I should take the page down. Her sister, however, was embarrassed by these things and was worried future generations would view her family in a negative light. I tried to explain that actually people nowadays would think the mafia thing was "cool" and that nobody would think anything of the alcoholic-thing. Doesn't everyone have an alcoholic in the family? But it was explained to me how back then nobody talked about flaws. Everyone must think they were perfect and "anything we consider to be worth of interest nowadays" was to be kept silent back then.

I wrote my great aunt an apology letter and made it so that the geneology page wouldn't show up in search engines or for those who weren't directly given the URL. I was taught in my journalism classes in college that I have the freedom to write what I want and if it's accurate and the intent is pure--not to hurt anyone--then I should stand up for my work and not let someone else censor me. I had never run into that problem before, but knew as a writer it probably would happen again -- and sure enough, I have with this blog twice (both by the same person). My intent has always been to tell MY story (not anyone else's) -- I don't want to offend anyone, but if I learn that I somehow have, I will make the decision based on the individual circumstance whether to delete something I write. But I won't ever do it because I feel pressured or talked into it.

In 2007 I took our family website offline just because I'd started blogging and was tired of updating it (so my mom's cousin would be glad to know), but I still have the info which I'm proud of (I sooooo admire the women in my family, especially my great-great grandmother who after her husband died due to his alcoholism she raised three kids by herself after the age of 29 and ran three businesses)! I am glad to have "the whole story" for my children and their children (since it is my family, too), thanks to my great aunt being the one to tell me everything nearly 6 years ago because she actually said the words, "You should make this into a book some day" (which I also hope to do, only I will expand it into a fiction novel -- her son can't get mad at that). Anyway, my point is nobody should ever be ashamed of the truth (good or bad), which is why I write about the good AND the bad about my life here. I prefer reading blogs that are honest rather than the ones that never share a problem and act as if everything is always perfect. . .that's just not real life. Older generations might not understand blogging, but I think it's great we have such a support system and community - I'm sure 100 years ago there were many moms who wished they didn't have to keep quiet about everything. I think we're healthier nowadays because of blogging and such!

Okay, back to what I was originally saying. . .I'm glad to be in the moment again with Logan, especially since I was right in my last post: "month 11" is going down as the best ever, so far. He's never been so fascinating to watch as he is right now!!! He actually problem solves now, is understanding cause & effect, consequences, etc. It is so entertaining to see him discover the world (I'd always heard people say that it's awesome to see the world through a child's eyes but never knew what it meant until now).

I love that he wants to put everything IN something. (He tries to fit whatever he can in whatever he can.)

I love that he sticks his tongue out when he's concentrating.

That he knows when I'm holding him by a door to reach down and try to turn the knob to open it, and then when I help him do so, he pushes it shut.

As of today he's taking 9 steps in a row by himself when he walks, although he still prefers crawling most of the day.

He's been consistantly giving me "high 5's" on command every time I ask, which is tons of fun.

I still am in awe that we made this human being and he lived inside of me for 36 weeks+1 day.

Last night I was getting sentimental. He's not even a year old yet and it makes me cry to think of him growing up because I've never been this close to a human being before and it doesn't seem like it's going to stay that way. It seems like "mama's boys" are a bad thing -- i.e. I don't want to be one of those mothers who doesn't want to let their son go when he gets older and then intereferes in his female relationships. But it seems like mothers & adult sons are just acquaintances otherwise. Getting along & checking in with each other, but not being best friends like girls and their moms can be once they're adults. I don't want to be just a casual family member with my son!

So, I went into his room while he was sleeping peacefully and just scooped him out of the crib and rocked him in the recliner, wanting to treasure this time because I never got to rock him in these 11 months and pretty soon he's not going to be a baby anymore! I always thought that was what all mothers did with their babies. Before Logan was born I pictured my baby wanting to be held all of the time, that he was going to need me to soothe him and comfort him. So when he never cried for these things because he was already content & happy, I figured I might as well not fix what wasn't broken; I didn't want to make him develop habits that weren't necessary and were going to be hard to break later. So I rarely held him if I wasn't nursing, and since he never needed me to calm him down or soothe him, nor did I rock him. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about the sleep I didn't miss or the energy I didn't drain, but no mom ever said at the end of their life that they wished they hadn't held their baby as much. There is a bonding and comfort for a mother during that time as well! Even though nowadays Logan can hug & kiss me in his own way, and I've always been very lovey-dovey-affectionate towards him (he's never been short on love), without nursing the past two months there is something I miss. So last night I thought what the heck, I'm going to be selfish and hold my son for absolutely no reason!

It was the sweetest of moments, I found myself wiping tears from the corners of my eyes, and then when I placed him back in his crib so that I could go to sleep an hour later, he woke up and started crying. Yes, my fault. So then I held him for another hour. . .but the same thing happened when I placed him in his crib again. Great, see, this is why they tell you not to do this. :p So I held him for another hour until, yep, same thing. At this point I was incredibly exhausted and feeling guilty because I figured he was wanting me/needing me all of a sudden to hold him for the first time because he'd had to be alone for the first time with a babysitter this past week. Not except during his first two weeks of life had I been up 'til 2 am with him! So I woke Joe up and asked if he could get a bottle to see if that would help. The same thing happened to Joe: Logan fell asleep in his arms but then when he put him in the crib Logan woke up and starting screaming. But Joe shut the door and by the time he got to our bedroom thankfully Logan had fallen asleep. It was 3 am. Needless to say I'm groggy today. . .it's too bad I'll be 46 when Logan goes to college, that's too old to have baby #2, haha.

But I don't regret holding him last night. Just like what I said earlier about no mother regretting at the end of her life that she held her child, when I'm 100 years old I'm not going to say "On the night of March 27th, 2009 I missed the most sleep I had with Logan since he was two weeks old because I went in his room to hold him -- that was a mistake because I was tired the next day." If anything I'll say, "I'm so glad that I took moments like March 27th to treasure holding him."

I can't think of a relationship more important or special than that with my son. It's always been hard for me when close relationships end or drift apart. But maybe we will define our own relationship. Maybe it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Hopefully we can always feel this close without him being a "mama's boy" or me being one of THOSE mothers, lol. :p

As for how he did on Thursday, Babysitter said it was definite improvement from Tuesday. This time I brought him over at 8:35 and told her Joe will bring him from now on his way to work at 8 and I will pick him up at noon. I could tell right away that he remembered and knew where we were & what was going on. He didn't take his eyes off me this time and when I said goodbye and started to go up the steps I heard a "cough" that he sometimes does before he starts crying. I said in my head, Please don't cry while I'm still here because then I'll cry! Fortunately, I didn't hear any other sound from him.

When I picked him up, it was better than last time because he gave me the biggest smile (rather than cried) when he saw me. Babysitter was walking around holding him so I could tell that he'd been crying again, but she said that it was only a few times. When I had left that morning the almost 4-year-old had asked, "Are you going to stay with Logan?" I answered, "No, I'm not." He said, "But he's going to cry!"

Stab.

Babysitter said that this time he ventured off by himself a couple of times -- crawling and exploring areas away from her, whereas last Tuesday he hadn't left her side. However, when she had to leave his side to get some paper towels during lunch, he got extremely upset. So he's definitely attaching to her, which is good. It made me feel nice that I saw her eyes tear up when she was talking about how they sang a song to him that she has taught all of her kids, "Mommy Comes Back."

When I had arrived there had been fun "kid music" playing in the background and the almost 4-year-old had said they'd been listening to Babysitter read a book. When I was talking to her and holding Logan, the almost 4-year-old was running around with another 4-year-old who comes over at noon from pre-school on Tues & Thurs, and Logan was sooooo intrigued, he didn't take his eyes off the boys running around. I do think that he's going to end up really liking & wanting to go there. Especially once the 9-month-old is at an age to play with him. Right now the 9-month-old reminds me of Logan at 6 months old, but hopefully when he comes back this fall (since he's not going to come over the summer) they will be more at a similar level.

Also hopefully when I take him back this Tuesday he won't have to start all over again. The only downside so far is that Babysitter told me she fed Logan spaghetti and oranges for lunch on Thursday. We've never fed Logan oranges because that is citrus which you aren't supposed to have until 12 months old because a lot of babies are intolerant. Well on Friday I was changing Logan's diaper and he had only the second diaper rash he's ever had in his life on the inside of his cheeks -- and a piece of orange was in diahhrea. :( He only took a half-an-hour nap that day (which was the hour before), which I thought was odd (he always does 1.5-3 hrs); that may have been why. I read those are common signs that he had a bad reaction, so citrus is going to be off limits to Logan for a couple of more months. At first I felt that pit in my stomach like, this is the kind of stuff I dreaded about him being under someone else's care. He's never had a food allergy before. But Joe was like, "Logan is going to be 12 months old in 2.5 weeks. He would have had that same reaction in a couple of weeks if we'd been the one to feed him oranges, which was bound to happen." I knew he was right and so I relaxed about it immediately. The main thing is that Logan was in an extremely good mood on both Tues & Thurs when he woke up from his naps those afternoons, so it does not appear that going to a babysitter's a total of 8 hrs per week is traumatizing to him.

Unfortunately, however, the bump on Logan's scar has grown. After I called the ENT on Tuesday, it went away again but then 24 hrs later it came back bigger. I forgot to pick up bacitracin ointment so we've been putting witch hazel on it a couple of times a day (a more natural remedy), but that hasn't helped. They had said that if it didn't go away within a week to call and make an appt so that they could look at it. So I'm calling first thing on Monday because the area is all red and swollen. :( Joe & I saw on the internet this means that the sutures inside have gotten infected. Great, the whole reason why we had the surgery was to avoid infection and now he's gotten an infection due to having scar tissue!!!! :(

On the bright side, the past couple of days he has been sleeping until 8 am again and hasn't had anymore nightmares, so hopefully the getting up at 6:30 am again was just Mon thru Thurs. I also figured out how to cut his fingernails at this age: just do one at a time quickly & randomly throughout the day!

The only other news from this week was that I had a massage yesterday for the first time since the end of January (it was nice not to have to worry about my breasts leaking or my wrists hurting from de quervain's for the first time, lol). AND, my first friend due to have a baby in April, Heather, had her little girl exactly one week before her due date, Wednesday, March 25th at 1:01 pm! Her labor was 14 hrs and Eden Elizabeth was 9 lbs and 21 inches long!!!! She had a snapped collar bone, but both she & mommy are doing well now and are home from the hospital with Daddy Nick! My other two friends are due in 1.5 and 2.5 weeks!

On a completely different subject, I changed the title of this blogsite because now that I have a babysitter I DO have time for a haircut, haha (and have one scheduled for April 10th when I plan to get my hair back to its original color rather than this current not-red-but-not-any-other-color; I don't plan to color it anymore until I go gray!) :)

To conclude today's post. . .I deleted my Facebook page last week. For those of you who don't know my story: I started off as a MySpace addict in October 2005. I'm not kidding when I say "addict," I was on ALL of the time. I was always signed in while I was working on my novel -- those days I was either fiction writing or on MySpace, that was pretty much my life. Sad, but true. Joe knew it was bad when we'd be laying in bed at night and I'd say, "I just thought of a change I need to make to my MySpace page!"

Seriously.

Everyone came to me for help with their pages because I was a pro. (The pic to the left is my dog Cosmo looking at the page I had in July '07.) I changed my layout depending on my mood, changed my song every day, updated the info, pictures, and videos constantly, and had everyone else's pages memorized (to the point where I actually knew where they were located on my pages so that if someone left I knew immediately who they were). I looked up everyone I had ever met as far back as pre-school and at least I did get a lot of enjoyment from it. It was my hobby, since back then I didn't scrapbook, and it was my socialization since I stopped working at the radio station during the spring of 2006 and would go a week or more without seeing anyone except Joe.

But, like all addictions, they run their course. After I took our family website down during the spring of 2007, I began to lose interest in MySpace that summer. I had begun blogging, scrapbooking, and finally came out of my cave to have a social life in Omaha (I lived here for 4 years before I hung out with anyone in Omaha other than my friend Melissa who moved away last year to Arizona). A lot of people began saying Facebook was better, so I signed up for that instead. But I found it boring compared to all of the stuff that you can do over at MySpace and a lot more confusing and ADDish. So, I only had a page for about 2 weeks and then re-joined MySpace. . .although I wasn't as "into" it as I'd been before. I hardly talked to anyone the second time around and so I deleted my page that summer (2008). Meanwhile, I was getting more requests to give Facebook another try so I did that fall. . .but still didn't like it, so I deleted my page again! I was glad that it kept all of my info, though -- it was nice not to have to start all over.

At this point I was confusing everyone because then I re-joined MySpace again. :/ But, in early 2009 I remembered why I'd quit and so I deleted my page once and for all. (I won't be coming back.) But then what did I do? I activated my Facebook page again! I stayed on for 2.5 months (the longest I ever had there) but although I enjoyed getting in touch with all of the people who hadn't been on MySpace, I found it to be a waste of time and still confusing and headache-provoking, so now I am off BOTH sites. (Although it is possible I may give Facebook one more try in the future.)

With that said, on January 29th I had an interesting experience worth mentioning. Here is the blog I started writing that night, but I got too tired and never finished it until now:

11:07 PM. . .Oh my gosh. Tonight I decided to look for people I might know on Facebook--and so I randomly thought of as many people from my past as I could. One of those names? We'll call him D. He was the guy I was an intern for during my first summer out of college.

I'd been soooo excited in November 2001 to have a job lined up for when I graduated from ISU in May 2002. One of my journalism teachers had recommended I interview with a woman who was hiring for an intern reporter & photographer position at a TV station Eastern Iowa. Little did I know until I got to the room that I was LAST of 60 applicants to be interviewed. Maybe it was this (the fact that I didn't think the odds were in my favor to get the job so there was no pressure) or that my teacher had told me about this that day (so there wasn't time for me to get nervous--I remember there was hardly enough time for me to throw on my "interview outfit"). . .but I did get the job!

It was in the same area where I'd lived for ten years (1988-1998) so I was familiar with the city and had a couple of friends close by. I was appreciative of my mom & stepdad apartment-hunting with me over my spring break and I found a perfect place with a pool and tennis courts (the picture to the left is me by my door; I was never able to use the pool & court, though, because I was so busy that summer). I was looking forward to beginning my career as a television reporter. I'd been preparing for this moment since I was 12 years old and had big dreams to be a national news anchor. The year prior I'd been chosen to intern at CNN's Chicago bureau as well as MSNBC in New York, but my parents had not been supportive (that's a whole different story) and so I hoped that my contacts would still be around once this internship was over since I'd have $ to move then. I was engaged to Joe, but he didn't have a job yet (he still had another semester at ISU because he was a double major), so believe it or not at that time he was going to go wherever I went!

But, New York or Chicago wasn't meant to be for us. Not only did I work 60 hrs each week and D made me come in as early as 5 AM some of the days (because "that's the life of a TV reporter, plus holidays & weekends, so get used to it"), but I spent every second with D, who I realized was the definition of the words: Egotistical and Jerk.

On my first day we were covering an election in Dubuque, IA and he told me that I was never going to make it as a reporter because I was "too nice." Funny how in the 10 years that I'd been preparing and centering my life around this profession, no one had ever told me you must be mean to be a reporter. He told me I could not follow rules if I wanted to succeed. Police might threaten to arrest me, but I must ignore them! I planned to prove him wrong. I had the ambition and the talent and 10 years of experience (lots of TV news in high school and college), so I was sure he'd change his mind.

Sad to say, I was the one who changed my mind. By the end of the summer I didn't know what to do with my life anymore. I wish I could say that I stayed strong and came out "showing him," but mid-way through the summer when I lost my grandfather I realized there were more important things in life and I really didn't care to impress D anymore. Until then I'd been putting 110% into every day, keeping a smile on my face, never letting him know when I felt like crying, working so hard and pushing myself that I became sick (I lost 22 lbs and had IBS for the only time in my life, here you can see how skinny I was. I didn't really recover or put the weight back on until a year later after I got married and moved to Omaha).Nor did I report him when he made advances towards me (he was married, by the way). After July 11th when my maternal grandpa died, it occured to me that the job wasn't worth me sacrificing my health, so I basically counted the days until my internship ended on August 31st. I was offered a full-time job by the news director at the TV station, but I turned it down.

My next job was at the most popular TV station in Iowa (Des Moines) and it was IDEAL compared to my internship. Instead of reporting I was a tape editor and was also in charge of playing all of the footage during the 5, 6, and 10:00 PM newscasts. This was a very difficult job, so I am proud of myself that I did so well and loved it, never messing up once. I received constant praise which helped me get my self-esteem back, and I loved my co-workers! I appreciated every second after my nightmare summer with D. They offered me a job as a producer (which is a better paying job than a reporter and would have allowed me to WRITE all of the scripts), but by then it was April and Joe had gotten his first job in Omaha, so since our wedding was April 26th, 2003 I left the world of TV forever when I moved with him (then I was a radio host for the next three years until April 2006, followed by a writer for the three years after that (which means the last three--obviously a better fit for what I wanted to do with my life). The TV station had a going-away party for me and I was on the 10:00 news that night which was fun. I'm still grateful that I had a positive experience to overshadow my negative one. . .but I will never forget the summer with D.Not only did he criticize everything I did and constantly put down my personality and other things personal to me, but early on he asked, "Are you a Christian?" I was surprised that he would ask me that but I answered, "Yes." He let me know that he was an athiest. Um, okay. . .what was he expecting? That I, a 22-year-old in my first job was going to get into a debate with my 27-year-old supervisor over religion? It was awkward. . .he would bring this subject up from time to time over the course of the summer because we had a lot of long drives in the newsvan. I support debaters, but God did not make me one -- it is not something I feel comfortable doing -- if you've noticed I refrain from talking about religion, politics, etc. here because I respect that everyone I know has different opinions and beliefs and that is all right with me. I'm a very spiritual person and value my close relationship with God, but I don't think I have all of the answers or that it's necessary for others to agree with what is in my heart.

D had a lot of hurt and anger towards his mother for being an alcoholic and unloving towards him when he was a child; he asked me "why" God would have her be his mother. Maybe I made a comment about free will, I'm not really sure. . .I know I told him situations that had been enough in my life to prove to me there was a God. . .but needless to say, over the years every now and then D would come to my mind and I'd feel sad for him. So I'd think about things maybe I could have said to help him have peace in this area. Since he was the one who always brought up the subject, I do think he was actually looking for someone to help change his mind (despite most people not wanting to be preached to, I think he really did -- but I didn't) so I wondered if I had failed in being a person who could have done so. I almost wonder if God was trying to use me because of what was about to happen in D's life.

Imagine the shivers that went down my spine when I saw him on Facebook and learned that not long after I left in 2002 his dad was diagnosed and then suddenly died of cancer, then just a month later his mom fell down the steps and died, and just a few months after that his wife's dad committed suicide for what appeared to be no reason. He felt the need to get out of Iowa and so the summer of 2003 he got a TV job in Portland, but his wife wanted to stay with the rest of her family in Iowa and so they divorced. Last year he left Portland for Ohio but doesn't like it and is now trying to get a job as a reporter in Chicago. He's been writing a book about his experiences. . .but I can't tell if he's changed for the better since I knew him. We exchanged "updates" and he said how great it was to hear from me, but he was one of those guys that half of what made him a jerk was that he would be nice to someone's face and then turn around and make fun of them. This happened to people we interviewed that had sad stories that brought tears to my eyes! So, after 3 messages back in January that was it and I don't plan to contact him again, but if he gets his book published I'll be interested in reading it. I do hope the best for him, NOBODY deserves to go through that kind of pain.

Well that ended up being a longer story that I'd planned (what else is new, lol) so I will bring this to a close now!

First Babysitter At 11 Months

This was originally written on Wednesday, March 18, 2009:

I did not expect myself to cry today, but here I am now second guessing the whole thing. I really wish I just didn't have to do it. . .that I could be Superwoman and would never need a babysitter for my son. I know that's not healthy -- my husband and I do need to start going on dates again. A couple of months ago my massage therapist made a good comment: a lot of mothers get so focused on their children that not only do they lose themselves but they lose their relationship with their husbands. But children grow up and move on, so if you don't keep your marriage first priority (yes, that means over your children which is way easier said than done!) then that's why so many marriages fail. So, finding a nighttime/weekend babysitter for Joe & I to have time "just the two of us" will be next. Those who have been following my blog know that this babysitter is for the part about the mother not losing herself. :p I made it 11 months without ever needing one, but Logan went to my parents' house the last two weekends for the first time by himself because I needed a break, but they live out of state so they aren't an option for just a random hour here & there during the week like those who live in the same city as their family.

Every day from when I called the very first sitter to see if it would be possible for my son to go 8 hrs a week so that I can get other things done (because I put 110% into being a stay at home mom to my precious son and I want to continue loving it, which I have so far), I have tried to see if I could make it work by myself. . .but even though I'm out of my funk now (which you can read about in my post, 10.5 Months Old), I do need help.

So on Monday I called the babysitter who we chose and told her we'd like her as "the one" (you can read the results of my interview on my post, It's Going To Work!), could we start with two half-days next Tues & Thurs March 24th & 26th? She said "yes" and asked if I could come over sometime this week to get the paperwork. She suggested I bring Logan while the kids were there to see how he did. So, this morning from 10:15-11:15 Logan & I went over there. Her husband and son answered the door. . .I guess there's nothing wrong with that. . .they seemed like nice & normal clean-cut people who were doing their own thing upstairs. But there's the "control freak" part of me that hates that I won't be able to control who is around my son when I'm not -- or worse yet, that I might not ever have any idea. But that's going to be the case anytime Logan is away from me. . .and it's not practical or healthy to never be apart now that he's turning a year old. I'm the daughter of a Special Agent so I grew up friends with the police. Therefore, I'm not "too trusting." I will keep my eyes wide open and watch them like hawks, I will never turn off my gut instinct -- and so that's how I trust that my son will be safe.

Fortunately, the majority of people in this world are decent human beings. However, in the news all you hear about are the ones who aren't. Over the weekend there was a story on Headline News about a couple arrested for molesting their at-home day care kids. Thanks, that was just what I needed to hear. Then later that day there was another story about a woman who shut down her at-home day care after she accidentally gave her kids windshield wiper fluid to drink.

90% of myself wants to desperately keep Logan glued to me because I'd rather something bad happen in my care than someone else's. There's a part that truly thinks I can keep him protected from anything bad in the world. But the other 10% knows that it is impossible. We don't live in a world where you can avoid bad things happening. Unless I actually want to hold him back and make him feel weak, insecure & incapable, then I need to follow his cues and if he's showing me that he's confident and secure and happy, then I need to trust & have faith that he is - and will be - okay. She doesn't have a webcam, but said that I can stop by at any time without any notice. I'm so glad I'm going to my counselor again because we talked about this on Monday and she's helping me balance these normal & natural feelings so maybe they can at least get to be 50/50!

When I went around the corner to the stairs, there were three cute boys with their heads over the baby gate and big smiles. "Hi Logan!" They cheered. I couldn't help but smile at that. There were two 4-year-olds, one 3-year-old (who is going to be 4 next month), a two-year-old, and 9-month old. I had planned on the one day a week being Wednesdays (middle of the week - good day to have my break), but now I've scratched that idea because Wednesdays are her second bussiest days (Fridays she has all of her kids at once--which mean 6 others aside from Logan, Wednesdays 5, Mondays 4, and Tuesdays & Thursdays 2 until school is out, then there will be 3 aside from Logan when the girls come, which I mentioned in my post, It's Going To Work!).

Plus, I've decided 8 hrs all in the same day will be too long for Logan (and me, lol), especially since he wouldn't get a good nap there. Before, I didn't know if a half-day would allow me enough time, but I will MAKE IT work. So, it will end up being 4 hrs two mornings a week, probably Tuesdays & Thursdays. That should also help him adjust quicker. Since I'll be picking Logan up at noon, he'll take his nap here which will continue to give me another couple of hours on the days he goes over there.

I'm glad to know this isn't something I have to do, we can stop it at any time. If I notice anything negative from it, then I'll know I tried but that it wasn't for us. Fortunately, so far, Logan is giving great signs that we should go ahead with it, and so even though when I left today & got into my car my first words were, "I don't know if I can do this!" we're going to take it one step at a time.

Since we stayed for an hour, I was able to talk to Babysitter more and get other questions answered. Of course I was looking for things wrong this time (rather than last time everything seemed perfect), but anyone can always find something wrong with everyone if you disect and analyze everything they say or do. For example, noticing how Logan was putting the toys in his mouth and then the 9 month old came over and put the same toys in his mouth. . . "So how often do you wash the toys?" Her response: "A lot." What does that mean? Or, when the older boys wanted to go outside and play, they did while we stayed inside with Logan, the 9 month old, and the 2 year old. . .even though the yard is fenced and appears safe, is that okay to do?

She seemed like a very good sitter and good with the kids, though, so I'm trying to tell myself it's not really "daycare". . .it's more like I'm just dropping him off to play with other kids for 4 hrs. It's really no different than if he was in a playgroup (Joe was in one until pre-school, and it rotated between the houses each week) -- chances are I wouldn't know the moms prior to joining one, but this woman actually has experience, is trained, and certified. I feel more comfortable with this scenerio than putting Logan in an actual professional daycare, because I went to three of those as a child and never got any attention or supervision because there were just so many other kids. At least this way I feel like she will stop kids from being mean to him. . .although that is a huge fear of mine.

I know that no parent wants their kid to be picked on, but I recognize that I have an irrational fear about this. I was concerned about it already when I was pregnant, but I thought the earliest I would have to worry about it was 3 or 4 yrs old when Logan goes to pre-school. But, once again, if I want him around any children at all before (which I do, that's a healthy part of his growth & development) then he's going to be around imperfect behaviors. This will happen just playing with a kid under my own nose. But I was suddenly overcome the other day by the obsession of what if some little kid at this daycare hurts Logan?

I talked about this with my counselor on Monday and she really made a good point. Because of what I went through - being bullied as a kid was the main part of my life for several years - gives us an advantage. (I've never talked about my experience on this blogsite, but I probably will in a future post.) There is no way it will ever get that bad for Logan because he has ME as a mom. My parents didn't realize the extent of what was going on. Apparently nor did the teachers, even though it was happening right under their noses. There was that whole concept of "everyone must learn to get along." As a child I didn't think I had any options. I really thought I just had to suffer through it every day for 5 years. As an adult I see that is SO not the case. If Logan is hurting because of someone else, then I will confront the teacher and ask why they aren't doing their job by stopping the behavior. I will go to the other child's parents and make them aware that it is not acceptable. We will arrange a meeting between Logan and the other kid, away from their normal environment, in the presence of adults. If worse comes to worse, we will change schools or whatever needs to be done.

The stuff I had to go through as a kid because "it would benefit us as adults" - is not allowed for adults! It's against the law. In a workplace the person would be fired. But nobody around me realized this at the time and so I didn't have a support system. A child needs a support system as well as tools to deal with it on their own.

Logan already has a support system. My parents split up when I was two years old, so I came from an insecure homelife. Logan has a secure environment - parents that he knows he will always be able to count on who will have his back, and so those things will already give him an advantage that I didn't have as far as healthy self-esteem and confidence. Then, if I encourage him, letting him know he has the power & ability to stop it - that is, not make him think that he needs to hide behind me but instead know that he is capable and I am cheering him on - then he will also have the tools.

I can't avoid other people being mean to him, now or in the future, but I can teach him to hold his head high rather than bow down so that he doesn't end up suffering. Right now he is soooo secure, it amazes me. . .I think that's why it brought tears to my eyes when one of the kids was bouncing a blow-up ball and it accidentally hit Logan in the head. Logan didn't care, nor did he act like it was anything scary to be at Babysitter's with all of the kids running around. She said they were more hyper than usual because they were excited about Logan, so she was warning me that Logan would probably feel overwhelmed, as most kids in her 26 years of practice start crying during this visit. Not only did Logan never cry (although watching the boys so rambunctious made me cry) no matter how much the other kids got up in his face to say, "Hi Logan!" and then touched his head or feet or arm, but he just stayed completely relaxed and laid back the whole hour. Finding toys that he enjoyed playing with and acting like we did this every day.

At many different times Babysitter expressed how impressed she was with him, asking if he was always like this, to which I started crying again. . .yes, he's easy. . .so what's wrong with me, why can't I do it?!

She said that typically the firstborns are the hardest, neediest, slowest to adjust children -- especially if they've never been with a stranger in these 11 months like Logan. . .but Logan didn't seem that way at all. Thank God, though, because knowing me if Logan had so much as frowned for a second or acted even a fraction uncomfortable I probably would have told her we were changing our mind. But instead, he was so happy and interested in everyone & everything, and when we came home he was in a good mood, like he was thanking me for our little outing. He seems to really like new experiences. It made me wonder if "security" is also part something we are born with? I mean, obviously if you grow up in a bad environment you're not going to be secure, but many parents can attest to having several children and noticing from day one that one or more are needier or more sensitive than another/others. Therefore, maybe certain children are more succeptable to being insecure and need more to get secure, just as sometimes there are the rare, amazing & impressive people who despite a bad environment come out on top - maybe they have an extra dose of security that helped them when their environment didn't.

As I look back at Logan's first year, noticing how he didn't care for the baby bjorn or baby wearing, or me holding him in my arms for long periods, how he was very adaptable to both the breast & bottle (and never even needed his milk warm), how he weaned himself from the pacifier on his own at 4 months, how he weaned himself on his own from breastfeeding at 9 months, how aside from one day at 9 months old with Joe's mom he has never shown the slightest concern with anyone different watching him (especially at my parents house the past two weekends for 48 hrs), how he refuses to have a security object, how he has always only wanted to sleep alone and doesn't want any help getting there. . .it sure does appear that he was born with a sense of his own security. So I just PRAY PRAY PRAY that he will keep that as he "goes out into the world."

I know that children change all of the time, so I hope I'll be able to differentiate between what I know are typical behaviors that he will have no matter what (even though they are negative) and those that he's picking up from daycare. I want him to stay my little Logan who is so angelic. . .is this impossible? Are kids better behaved and more secure if they don't go to daycare until 3, 4, or 5 years old? Are they less easily to be influenced the older they are when first brought into this environment -- i.e. does putting him in this environment now mean that he's going to completely change into someone else than who he'd be otherwise because he's going to learn to be aggressive rather than sweet and gentle? Or, is it harder for kids the later they go? Will he have more separation anxiety from home & mom, and issues being on his own, fear towards other kids. . .? Or does it not really matter at all? Will he be who he'll be regardless of these two half-days a week? I wish I could find research on this because I don't know. . .and like with everything else I've ever blogged about, I just want to do the best thing I can for my son.

From my own experience, being in daycare and at several babysitters houses, was not a positive experience. So I was 100% against it as an option for my kids until this year in 2009! Daycare is where I got picked on for the first time, nearly died when a boy at the pool tried to drown me, and unlike the stereotype -- it did not make me more social. I started off that way and then as the years went by I went more in a shell. But, that brings me back to the whole topic I discussed with my counselor -- that doesn't have to be Logan's experience. He will still be spending the majority of his days with me. That means Joe & I will have the most influence. So hopefully I will stay open to this rather than becoming against it again! It'd be nice if this can end up working for the next few years with both of my children (whenever #2 arrives).

On a final note, I mentioned Logan's brachial cleft fistula to Babysitter and what a coincidence - her daughter has it in her ear and one of her sons has it in another place that I didn't know you could get it: his butt! She said that the holes always drained & got infected while they were growing up, but the doctor told them the ear is too risky to have surgery on because it can mess up the nerves and change the face. (I remember our ENT saying the same thing - they usually don't bother to do surgery in the ear since it's not as serious, the procedure itself is actually a lot scarier.) The butt one has been an anoyance for her son but hasn't caused any problems. I told her I was glad to know there's another place I should look on my next child aside from the ear & neck, lol.

One of the 4-year-olds was funny, he asked, "Is Logan a baby?" I said, "Yes." He said, "When is he going to grow up?" I think he was disappointed that he wouldn't have someone to run around with, haha. They all did seem to like him, though, and Babysitter said that when the 3 girls start coming (which are the only kids he will be with on a Tues or Thurs) they will love playing with him because they all want to be teachers and so they play "school" and sing and dance.

The vibe I get is that this is a good idea and it will be a positive experience so I hope that I am right. SIGH. By the way, today Logan turned 11 months old!!!!

Things Looking Up

This was originally written on Monday, March 9, 2009:

So, after I wrote my post, 10.5 Months Old, last Thursday, we had a good 2-week follow-up with Logan's ENT, so we should never have to go back! :) We celebrated by going out to PF Changs (Logan enjoyed the white rice). I still was feeling like I'd caught something, though, so my mom & stepdad offered to take Logan Fri thru Sun. It was what I needed for my sanity-situation, too. I'd never been apart from Logan that long (when they'd watched him the weekend before while Joe & I went to the hotel it was for 20 hrs, prior to that over TG it was 16), but it turned out to be the best situation ever. I ended up having every side effect imaginable from the LexaPro, so I stopped taking it after three pills. Doctors recommend giving it two weeks because by then the side effects go away, but I just couldn't be dizzy, nauseous, and have heart palpitations for two weeks!!! I had to cancel scrapbooking on Saturday because I threw up for the first time since I was pregnant!

I don't know whether it was the three pills I did take, or having seconds alone in my house for the very first time in 10.5 months, or the fact that my period started Sunday night - probably a combination of all three - but I'm feeling better. My counselor was able to get appts. approved by my insurance for me to come in 2009 so I am seeing her later today. I'm hoping that by going to her regularly, continuing the search for a babysitter for Logan one day a week, and the end of winter will all help me get back to normal. We're going to check my bloodwork and if I'm deficient in anything then I'll supplement as needed since there aren't bad side effects to hormones like progesterone. I'm glad I tried the LexaPro because otherwise I would have wondered if it could have made a difference, and I still have my bottle if I ever decide to give it another try, but I feel like I can start putting one foot in front of the other now.

The good news is that my body fought off whatever virus it had caught, so I no longer feel sick, either. Logan did excellent away from us, he didn't even act like he cared! (I guess his separation anxiety was only for just one day back in Jan.) My parents said he was the perfect angel, never fussing, sleeping easily and through the night, ate well, and enjoyed playing. That was such a relief because now this seems like something we can do again! I definitely think it's healthy for children to have time away from their parents, we don't need to be with each other every second.

He's been in such a good mood since we picked him up last night (I think this trip was what he needed, too, because of his boredom factor) and I can hear him laughing in the other room so I better go join him :)

P.S. I was so glad my camera was nearby when I saw this site on Friday!

10.5 Months Old!

This was originally written on Thursday, March 5, 2009:

I admit that when I used to hear women say, "If I was a stay at home mom, I'd go insane" or "I tried being a stay at home mom but had to stop because I was going insane" -- I thought they were being dramatic. Definitely exaggerating. Even making an excuse to not put their children first priority so they could be selfish instead. Don't get me wrong, I've always believed that everyone's "best" is different -- i.e. it is obvious that some women are definitely better moms if they work full-time, others if they work part-time, and others if they stay at home. . .and there are many who don't even have the choice from one to another, so I don't think anyone should feel pressured to do one over the other. We are all not meant to work full-time, part-time, or stay at home. My point is that I thought I'd have absolutely no problem being the latter. I've always REALLY WANTED to be a stay at home mom. That has always been what's fit me and still makes sense for me to do. It also seems best for my son. However, it is starting to take a toll on my mental health. I actually do feel like I'm losing my sanity! I was mistaken for thinking it was a joke when other women said this -- it's actually real.

Since I want to always keep Logan as my first priority -- meaning, I want to stay aware of how I'm the best mom to him so that I can always be -- I am making some major changes to my life this month. Right now he's still happy and content, but if I continue the way I'm going then I'm afraid he won't be. While I give genetics (nature) 80% of why his personality has been so cheerful and easy the past 10.5 months, I believe that switches by the time our lives are over and therefore 80% of who we are ends up being because of environment (nurture).

So, we've started the ball rolling for Logan to go to an at-home daycare one day a week to see if my getting a break will help. Unfortunately, I didn't realize how hard it was going to be. Joe and I made a "top ten" from our town's license list, but so far everyone we've heard from is full! At first I was pleased that they weren't trying to make an extra buck, and they know their limit, since Logan is just one day a week (work-wise they wouldn't notice a difference the other four days), also they can't be horrible if that many other parents are sending their children there. But then the last woman I talked to said she does have openings, just not for part-time. So now I wonder if they just don't like the idea of one day a week because then they have to find someone else willing to do just 4 days. But I just can't do more than one day at this time, then I'd go insane because I wasn't with Logan!

The first woman I e-mailed was the one I mentioned in my Brachial Cleft Fistula Surgery Over! post who I got a good vibe from -- who lives in my neighborhood and was featured on our news and has a website. She seemed nice through e-mail and gave me a link to a website similar to the one I posted in my last blog that allows you to find the best match for what you need, and has screenings, references, etc. Once again you have to pay, though. (This one is www.sittercity.com)

There is still Logan's friend Jaxson's babysitter (her price of $3.50 an hr is the average price around here, so I have no complaints with that) but the problem is that she's not in our neighborhood -- she's 15 minutes out of our way. So since there were 4 other women just two minutes away from our house, I e-mailed three and called one. I'm currently waiting to hear back from two of the e-mails.

None do I know anything about, other than they are licensed & certified and sound good on paper. So, whenever I find one with a part-time opening I will set up an interview. . .my cousin-in-law gave me some great suggestions for the interview process. Hopefully one of the remaining 7 from our list will work, and then Logan can start going in April.

Because, it occurred to me yesterday that I can only count minutes since Logan was born when I've actually had time all by myself --that means absolutely no one else around (so probably only when I'm in my car)! I was raised as an only child so it feels unnatural and uncomfortable for me to have someone around me every single minute of every single day. I just need one day to myself when I can clean or run errands or work on my novel or just take a nap! I've taken less than 5 naps since Logan was born (yes, even during his newborn phase). Right now he's taking a nap but I have to use this time to blog because it's a need of mine (similar to water & food) to get all of this out.

I admit a part of me feels guilty for "needing" to send Logan some place one day a week. I love him so much and I enjoy being around him more than anything!!!! I know those have nothing to do with each other but I just look at the stay at home moms who can do it and I feel like a failure (my neighbor, hello, has three kids and her husband is in the military so he's gone several months of the year! Guess what? She wants to have another! Her family lives in Utah so she has no help.) Maybe I had unrealistic expectations, but never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I'd be in this place. But I am getting comfortable with the new idea and feel good about it. This way I can continue to be a stay at home mom.

Joe and I have been doing as much of our own investigating as we can. I recently signed up on Facebook - I really don't like it and am not sure how long I will be staying, but it came in handy last night! We put 20 names from the license website in the search box and over half of them came up!!! Not only that, but only two had private pages, which meant we were able to read everything on everybody else's pages and look at all of their pictures. I'm sure they wouldn't be happy to know that we weeded a lot of people out that way! I mean, it sounds kind of bad to say that we cut some based on their pictures -- and some of the women were taken off the list because the husbands looked weird. I know they could easily be nice guys and other "normal looking" husbands could end up being the psychos -- but we had to start somewhere. Like, one of the women we found on Facebook is who I mentioned last time because of a sign in my neighborhood, but now I don't have to bother calling her. . .in all of the pictures of her husband, he and his friends were always making hand signs of guns. On the flip side, five of our top ten were because we DID like their Facebook pages -- they looked like decent people and we liked what they wrote!

I also think once spring is officially here that will help as well because then I can take Logan outside on a daily basis rather than be cooped up in our boring house all day. Because it's not that he's gotten difficult (in fact, "month ten" goes into his "best months category" because he hasn't been fussy at all); Logan has always been an easy child. The problem is that he is a healthy, normal 10.5 month old, haha! This means he's not meant to be sat in a corner by himself all day -- he needs me to be constantly playing with him, entertaining him, keeping him stimulated, feeding him a bottle - or solid food - or snacks - or just a drink of water. . .which has made me like a gas tank always on E, yet someone keeps trying to drive the car!

Despite most people feeling more ready for another baby as time goes by, I get more scared to have another one because I think if THIS is draining then what if I have a difficult child next -- or just an average one?! Not to mention, even two easy children are harder than one.

I have never taken Logan for granted. He's a far cry from the visual I previously imagined of having a baby. There have been less than ten times in these nearly eleven months when I wasn't able to get him to immediately stop crying the second he started (milk has ALWAYS done the trick since he was born). Only five nights since he was two weeks old were we ever awake for more than 5 minutes in the middle of the night, or had trouble getting him to go to bed or take a nap by just placing him in his crib. And, aside from having the brachial cleft fistula, he's never had any health issues -- best of all, having the brachial cleft never actually affected him. Only once was he constipated (when he was 4 months old) and he never had acid reflux or gas or any other super common issues most all babies deal with. 99% of the time he is smiling and content. Even when there was that month last fall when he wasn't wanting to take a nap, since then he has consistently taken a 2.5 hr nap every single day.

Despite all of this, I can't keep up!!!!!!! Every day I feel like I've been run over by a bus and I cry at the drop of a hat. I do nothing else with myself except take care of him. I swore before I became a mom that I was going to always do something for myself every day. . .but I didn't realize how much energy it would take! It's a cycle because when you're depressed you have no energy, but having no energy (and thus not being productive) makes you feel depressed.

I had hoped that once Logan had his surgery, this darkness that's been surrounding me since late January would go away. I don't know if it's my hormones out of whack since stopping the breastfeeding, but I have never been like this in my life. Sure, I've felt depressed plenty of times since junior high -- but never every single minute, every single day, every single week for no real reason. . .and it only seems to be getting worse. Don't worry, I haven't wanted to commit suicide (the thought of Logan losing me, or me being a part from Logan, is more than I can take) nor have I worried about hurting him (he's the only thing that makes me smile, and even in my depression I tell him how cute he is and how much I love him and how wonderful he is) -- but it's serious enough that Joe doesn't recognize me right now.

I haven't been able to go to my therapist that I mentioned who I see in my post, The Fussy Baby Book, because our insurance only had a certain amount of appts. they would pay for and those were used up so we have been trying to get them to agree for me to continue in 2009. The last time I went in January, my counselor said that we could check my hormone levels, but she's not going to sugar-coat it: if I need progesterone (which I wrote about in my post, My Son's 5th Month), it takes three months for it to work and it still might not, so then they'd switch me to a different dose which also takes time to work. I should have started the process last fall of getting my blood work done and supplementing progesterone (or whatever hormone is messed up) when this option was first brought to my attention (back when I felt myself go from being on a "high" Logan's first 4 months to "normal" the next 4 until 2 months ago then I went to "down"). Now I don't have the time and patience or even the motivation to try and come out of this on my own. She said that anti-depressants are an appropriate temporary solution for me in the meantime. I've always been too scared to consider them, but after the past couple of weeks I see that I need a quick fix so that I can start putting one foot in front of the other and then hopefully the changes I'm making will help me feel better and I can go off the pills. I know many people who are either on them now or have used them in the past and never had any negative problems, in fact, just the opposite (they consider them the best decision they ever made). So, I called my OBGYN yesterday and Joe picked me up a prescription for LexaPro; I've taken one pill but it says it could take up to 4 weeks before they start working.

Anyway, aside from the half-update I gave in my post, Brachial Cleft Fistula Surgery Over!, it's been a month-and-a-half since I wrote a full update, so I'm going to do that now!

Let's see. . .in January I talked about Logan having nightmares and night terrors. The good news is that he hasn't had any since my post, The Conclusion of Fussiest Week, so I'm hoping his brain is growing out of them now. (Fingers crossed.) Ever since he turned 9 months old he still sleeps every single night 11 hrs with no interruptions (8 pm to 7 am).

As for the peeing, we decided to try Huggie's Goodnight Diapers because I wasn't able to keep up with washing his mattress pad and sheets every single day, but guess what? The little guy is still peeing on himself! I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or not that he doesn't wake up anymore -- we just find him drenched a few mornings each week. :/ The only tip we have left to try is using TWO diapers at once. . .seriously?!

His 7th tooth never fully popped up! I had seen the bud in January so I expected it to come in that week. . .but his teeth decided to take a break because he's still at 6. Despite him having surgery and my crappy mood, he has been really good during month 10. I can't think of a single bad hour he's had. His recovery from the surgery was amazing. I've had anesthesia twice in my life and didn't feel back to normal for two weeks afterwards. For Logan it was seriously like nothing happened. He was so happy and content and active afterwards -- it was apparent he had no clue that we did anything other than go somewhere in public that day where he was able to play with toys!

We took off the bandage 24 hrs later and at first I thought that was going to be bad because it was taped really tight & secure -- it made someone getting waxed look like a breeze. But with the first corner, Logan jerked his body and his hand came up and helped us rip the tape off super fast! We had a bottle ready and we stuck it in his mouth so he never even cried. Whew.

Now it's been two weeks and it looks like he has a cut on his neck, but that is it! We have an appt. with the ENT today to make sure the incision is healing well. Each day it gets less and less red, so it doesn't look infected or like there have been any post-surgery problems. After today we will be done with the ENT and brachial cleft stuff forever!

He's 23.5 lbs now & 30 inches, so back up in the 90th percentile with both. Since I didn't start buying formula until January I didn't realize how quickly he would go through it. It is expensive! Yet another reason why I hope my next child breastfeeds easily until they're a year old! Half the time he finishes stage 3 foods now, the other half of the time just stage 2. Otherwise, he likes his puffs for snacks and organic mum mums (rice cakes), and I'll give him bites of our food, but he doesn't seem ready to eat our actual meals yet. So imagine Joe & my reaction when Stacy (Jaxson's mom) called me one day and said that Jaxson was full because last night they'd gone our for pizza and he'd had two slices and then that night they'd gone out for Mexican and he'd had chicken fingers and french fries! Wow!!!!!!!!!!

The first weekend after my last "update" blog, my parents came over January 25th before they left for a trip to Key West. We met for lunch at Jason's Deli and then went to Nebraska Furniture Mart because they wanted to buy us two twin beds for our second guest room (what will end up being Logan's room once baby #2 arrives). We also looked for final decor for our living/dining room (the rooms I'd been working on decorating since my 9 Months Old (Next Week) post when I mentioned I'd finished my first room: our downstairs bathroom) but couldn't find a table/stand for our entry way exactly like what we want, so that room is still not finished. . .but hopefully soon and then I can move on to our other rooms :)

That week I had a massage which was very nice, although I haven't been able to go since because she had to have surgery so hopefully soon I can start going twice a month again because those make a positive difference for me, too!

I also finally had our carpet cleaned (something that kept getting postponed) so it was comforting to me since Logan lives on the floor these days, haha.

Between Jan & Feb there were some nice weather days that I was able to take Logan for a walk which was great, we hadn't been since the fall. And I went scrapbooking at my neighbor Jenn's house once. My other neighbor, Brenda, also scrapbooks and sells supplies so she came over a couple of evenings and played with Logan and I bought two punchers from her.

I also found my black maternity pants!!!! I doubt anyone remembers, but back when I was pregnant I was so frustrated because after Christmas I could not find my one pair of maternity "dress pants." I'd only worn them a couple of times and couldn't figure out where in the world they'd gone. It was a bummer because they hadn't been cheap and they wouldn't do me any good if they turned up after I was done ever being pregnant. Well one day I went to wear a shirt that apparently I hadn't worn in an entire year, because when I took it off the hanger there my pants were underneath! I had searched my closet and clothes up & down the past year, but somehow missed them. I'm not sure why they were on that particular hanger since the shirt never would have been worn with those pants, but at least I found them for my next pregnancy!

A couple of funny things Logan started doing that month: shouting when the dogs bark (I don't know whether he's trying to join in or if he's mimicking me yelling at them to stop, haha) and banging his head against the wall. The latter one I'm trying not to react to because otherwise it's going to upset me! I've seen horror stories of toddlers hurting themselves when they're mad and I don't want this to be something Logan does. Right now he only does it when he's happy & playing. . .Joe and I don't know why -- usually he doesn't hurt himself, but every now and then he'll look at us, shocked, like, "owe that hurt." You think?!

Last fall I wrote that for a couple of months Logan shivered for no reason, which we learned was a sign of babies brains developing. That had stopped by the winter, as expected, although sometimes he shivers because he's cold (teeth chattering) which is cute, but it's always during a time when it doesn't feel cold to Joe & me!

The first day of February I hosted a baby shower for my first of three friends due in April, Heather. She's who threw my shower last year. The wives of Joe's other former co-workers, Lisa, Sarah, and Sara, came and we ate food, played games, and had a really good time. I got to meet Lisa and Sarah's babies for the first time (Elijah was born the end of October and Riley was born mid-November so they were 2.5 & 3 months old).

That week our builder and construction guys came over to look at & fix our stairway railing (thank God). That weekend (Saturday, Feb. 7th) I went to the shower of my third friend who is due in April, Brooke. (The second one is Melissa who lives in Arizona so unfortunately I couldn't make her shower.) That, too, was a lot of fun!

On Sunday, Feb. 8th I mentioned in my last update blog is when Logan had a playdate with Jaxson. That week (the 12th) he had an appt. with the ENT to make sure he was okay for surgery (which obviously he was)! I started my period that day and had cramps like I did in November (which were not as bad as pre-Logan but still bad enough to take an ibuprofen, unlike in Oct, Dec & Jan).

Thursday, February 12th was also the day that my friend Chris had her precious baby boy!!!! She called me from the hospital and told me her complete labor story. She had a successful hypnobirthing experience! I'm so excited that I now know five people personally who have done this. She sure gets kudos, WOW -- her labor started on Tuesday! We were actually supposed to get together that day because she'd started her maternity leave the week before, even though Gregory wasn't due until the 20th. But she called and said she'd gotten her bloody show that morning! Two days later, at 12:40AM, her six pound baby made his appearance! He came out sunny side up just like Logan so she is happy she didn't have to have a c-section, especially since her pushing phase was almost 3 hrs. Poor little guy had jaundice like Logan, but thankfully not as bad. I can't wait to meet him.

On Saturday (Valentine's Day) I decided to try one last time to have my hair colored red. Third time was not a charm. It faded after 48 hrs into the worst color ever but I'm done coloring my hair. Apparently some people's hair just won't do red and mine seems to be one of them.

I, did, however finally celebrate the end to my breastfeeding by buying myself a sexy bra :) I actually wanted to get an entire new wardrobe, but only got as far as the underwear and then it was time to go home. So, that's on tap for the future.

I've figured out why all of a sudden I like to shop when for my first 29 years I didn't. It's because it used to be more work and take more energy than just being at home. But now being at home is more work and energy, lol. Going shopping is actually a break!

In my last update blog I talked about how the last time I pumped was January 31st. The first thing I did was (not all at once) have myself one big glass of wine (my third alcohol in almost two years), a ceaser salad, tuna fish, some blue cheese, and began drinking cherry coke again (my only source of caffeine since I don't drink coffee. Cherry Coke was limited while I was pregnant and nursing but now I drink it whenever I want!)

I also exercised a few times between Jan & Feb, but not enough -- I'm now up 3 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight, which means I've gained EIGHT pounds since I stopped breastfeeding! :( Even though I'm not eating as much in quantity, nor am I eating as much sugar/desserts as I was before. I haven't done so well keeping my new year's resolution of making homemade meals every single day, but I have a few times and I'm also eating more fruits & vegetables and less processed stuff. (Same for Joe, no more problems with diverticulitis.) So there is no doubt breastfeeding is what took my baby weight off because now it's coming back on!

Joe and I went out to eat for Valentine's Day (something we only do once a month now) to La Mesa Mexican Restaurant, but have decided we're not going to eat there anymore. We used to really like it, but every time we've gone in the past year I haven't enjoyed it, so there are plenty of other Mexican places in our area to eat at from now on instead.

Otherwise, we didn't do much -- I gave Joe a little football shaped box of chocolates and a card.

On Sunday I went with Lisa, Sarah, and Sara to see He's Just Not That Into You which was really good! It was definitely what I needed that week. I can't wait to get together with them this weekend for scrapbooking (I've only been twice since Logan was born) as well as next week we're going to another movie.

Logan's surgery was that Thursday, Feb. 19th and then Stacy, Matt, and Jaxson came over that weekend to give Logan a gift for making it through his surgery, which was very nice!

My parents came over on Thursday, February 26th for the rescheduled concert you might remember me telling you about in my post, 7 Months Old! -- we were going to go to the Celine Dion concert. Joe ended up staying home with Logan (because when Celine had to cancel three months ago we were able to get a full refund for him so that way didn't have to worry about a babysitter). I had an excellent time. We had awesome seats and she was amazing. I couldn't believe how "real" she seemed. You would think that someone who has been in the business since she was 13 would be a diva. But she was so sincere and acted like an "every day" person. She talked to us, had Las Vegas dancers, and sang from her heart. (And somehow changed her clothes before every song!)

I've never cried at a concert before. . .I used to work in radio so I've been to my share, but I kept feeling tears around my eyes that night! Not just because she's so incredibly talented (I don't care whether you like her or not, you can't argue!), but I realized it's because she's one of the only singers I've listened to through so many different times in my life! I actually haven't listened to her for awhile so I was really grateful to be "brought back."

I first became "introduced" to her in 1996 when "Because You Loved Me" came out. Here's where I blush: it's because my friend and I used to call up a radio station and dedicate songs to the guys we had crushes on! One night I called too late and so the DJ was putting everyone at the end on the same song which happened to be the first time I ever heard "Because You Loved Me." I decided I really liked it and so that would be "my song" with the guy. (Oh my) So twice when that song played at our school dances I asked him to dance! (Oh my) I'd listen to the song in my room, staring out the window, looking at the stars and dreaming of what it must be like to be in love. (Oh my) Well, I never found love with that particular guy, but that song still makes me feel young & naive again.

In college, when I got my heart broken for the first time, I bought as many of Celine's CDs as I could and listened to her "decade of songs" album over & over. "That's The Way It Is" was my favorite, and brings back more mature feelings. Since those days, I fell in love with Joe, got married, and have come a long way from both the high school girl who swooned over a guy she couldn't have, and then the college girl who was bitter after dating several jerks. So I realize that Celine Dion represents the wide spectrum for me, of emotions I've gone through from age 16 to 29!

The next night Friday, February 27th, my parents watched Logan while Joe and I stayed in a hotel with a jacuzzi. It was really great to have a date with him. Joe's been having to work late the past month so between that and having a baby it's hard to find any time to talk these days.

My parents left on Saturday and not much has happened this week except that I feel I'm coming down with something. :( I thought it was too good to be true that I didn't catch anything this winter. Aside from a cold in September, it's been over a year since I've had a virus. Hopefully it won't be anything bad.

I took Logan outside today to play for the first time. He seemed stunned at how hard/scratchy the driveway was but enjoyed watching the other kids playing on our street and I also pushed him around on his car. My neighbor Jenn was outside with her three kids so we chatted, I hadn't talked to her since January but hope to start coming over again for scrapbooking soon.

Logan is not walking yet but I think he could if he wanted. He can go from a seated position and actually stand up on his own (without holding on to anything) and then stand indefinitely. When he does hold on to something he can run around at a very fast pace, hardly touching. But when I try to take away whatever he's holding on to, he gives me a funny grin like, "You're silly if you think I'm going to walk on my own!" On several occasions he's taken one step on his own but then falls to the ground the second his foot hits. I was 11 months when I took my first steps, Joe was 9 months. (Joe was 6 for crawling; I was 9; Logan was 7) So I think it will be soon!

The Fussy Baby Book

This was originally written on Monday, January 19, 2009:

(*NOTE: Even though I read this book during Logan's 9th month, and the book has helpful tips through the age of five, I only recommend this book for parents with babies 6 months & younger. If your baby is older than that and has usually been easy but suddenly seems fussy - relax, it is likely they are just going through a phase that will pass!!! That was the case for my son when I wrote this post - whew!)

I just finished reading a SUPER GOOD BOOK. In a future post, I'm going to devote an entire page to this book (Update: you can find it HERE). The book is called The Fussy Baby Book by William Sears, M.D. and Martha Sears, R.N. It is the book I mentioned after Christmas that I received from Joe's mom. As I've said before, Logan isn't a fussy baby but "month 7" was my hardest and least favorite of all of his months. One day I was so overwhelmed because I had absolutely no idea what was making Logan fussy that day or how to get him to return to normal. Believe it or not, I hadn't ever read any actual parenting books and I was confused with all of the conflicting information I'd been hearing from others, on TV, and reading in magazines & on the internet. Just like when I was pregnant, that's what prompted me to finally take charge and figure it all out for myself what I wanted and what worked best for us.

So, when Sandi asked for another Christmas idea for me, inbetween Logan's cries that day I googled, "best parenting book"--and this was one that came up. Of course since it was a "bad day," that's why my eyes focused on this title over the others. Without even reading anything about it (other than seeing it had been rated highly), I added it to my Christmas list. Thankfully, Logan didn't have any fussy days after that (his 8th month was one of my favorites as I said in my last post)--but he has the past few days as he's transitioned into "month 9." So, on Saturday I picked up The Fussy Baby Book . . .and couldn't put it down! I lost count of how many times I said, "This is such a good book!"

Until now I've been doing everything on an instinctual basis which is exactly what the book teaches a mother to do. The reason why I thought Logan was easy during his first three months is because I had no information in my head--I was just using my heart. Once he was about 4 months old and went on to a more active phase, I froze and assumed I needed to look elsewhere for help. But what a lot of society is doing doesn't fit for Logan and me, and so I've kind of done a dance since then--where I'm still doing whatever seems right to me at the time but then second guessing it later. It's easier to get overwhelmed if you're insecure.

Well I can tell you there will be no second-guessing anymore! I have the most trusted, respected, and famous pediatricians in America on my side (the same family who wrote The Vaccine Book; I first made reference to it in my post titled 4 Months Old, and another son is currently on the show The Doctors) as well as countless studies and research provided in the book. I love the new confidence I feel with being a mother after reading this book in just 48 hrs (that amount of time is a huge deal nowadays).

For one, it confirms so many things that I've already been naturally doing "right," and has given me knowledge and encouragement in the areas where I wasn't sure.

The reason why I put the word right in quotes is because that means right for me--not necessarily right for everyone. That's why I like this book because the main message is to do what works best for you & your baby. Of course they state very clear their ideas of what is typically best for all babies, but they also know that some babies & parents aren't going to fit--and that's okay. There are a couple of things which they promoted didn't/doesn't work for Logan & me (co-sleeping and baby wearing would have had to be forced for us which means it wasn't meant to be)--but 98% of their view clicks like a last missing puzzle piece!

I've written a few posts where I've talked about "attachment parenting" (Preparing For Brachial Cleft Fistula Surgery, My Son's Fifth Month, and Giving Sleeping Plan A Try )--this book is 100% pro attachment parenting. I also mentioned after Christmas that I'd asked for & received Becoming Baby Wise. I am going to read that one now, too, just to get a different perspective--but it sounds like it may be the complete opposite approach. If that's true, then I'll probably be throwing my copy away because nothing has ever felt so right and so good than following the advice found in The Fussy Baby Book. Best of all, I've been in so much better spirits when Logan has been "fussy" this week because so many things make sense to me now. I've often heard that we learn things at exactly the right time--and that's how I feel right now. I think this was the perfect time for me to read this book.

While it is especially geared towards "high-need babies" (which thankfully most days Logan isn't), I think all parents can benefit because what baby/child is never fussy? That is why I wanted this book--I wanted tips on how to cope & deal with the days I find parenting hard--but I also received just regular day-to-day parenting stuff. Apparently a lot of the same information is found in The Baby Book, so I plan to read that Sears book in the future as well. (They have a ton of books, which can be found here: AskDrSears.com)

Oprah had a show back in September about the common problem of mothers overworking themselves (in The Fussy Baby Book they call it "mother burnout")--she actually had on sad stories of how this can be fatal (one mom accidentally left her baby in the hot car and it died, another baby nearly choked, etc.) Lately I've started feeling like I'm on my way to getting burned out for the first time (there have only been two other times in Logan's life that I even felt like I needed a break; the first being August and the second being November) but I have been pushing past this normal and unavoidable feeling--but thankfully I've now stopped myself so that it won't interfere with my job as a mom. Just doing little things like getting my massage, going shopping, and reading have had an amazing effect!

The reason why "month 7" was my hardest is because I felt like a sponge that had all of the water squeezed out and yet kept being squeezed. But the thought of handing Logan off to someone while I got my battery recharged made me feel worse! I'd never had a situation where I was stressed out and had given all I had, but didn't want to quit. Things have always been good for me or bad for me--not both at the same time! This is not saying being a stay at home mom is bad for me (I actually think it's the best and healthiest and most "right fit" job I've ever had) but doing anything in a bubble over and over and over can turn something positive into something negative.

Many days I do feel I'm in a bubble. I have a great therapist who I've been going to a couple times a month since December 2006; she said I'm not meant to do all of this on my own. For centuries in all cultures raising a child was a family thing. You could call on up to 20 people to help you at any time because they were either in the same house or next door! You really didn't do any "motherly" things alone. Just in the past 50 years the norm changed--but people still lived in the same cities/towns as their family. So, once again, most had help easiy. Only recently are the majority living too far from their families for daily or weekly help. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this is a bad thing. . .I can't see my mom & I getting along if she lived down the street. :p But it does present a lot of challenges.

Just as, even though 5.5 million moms in America (or 42% of those with kids Logan's age) are staying at home nowadays, the only one I know here is my neighbor Jenn. I know that being a mom is hard regardless of whether you're at home or not, but sometimes I can't help but longingly look at them and wish some days I could just drop Logan off at a babysitter's! (We've never had a babysitter of any kind yet.) My therapist said that they are two completely different experiences. While full-time moms do have more help, there are difficult situations I can't identify with and vice versa. Fortunately, 99% of the time I love this "set up" and wouldn't want it any other way. But now I AM ready and okay with someone taking Logan a couple of hours a week (my compromise so that I'm still getting to spend every day with him but a couple of hours will give me some moments to regroup).

Although. . .now a babysitter might be hard, as it appears Logan's in the first stages of separation anxiety. Joe's mom stayed with us for a few days and although he was fine being alone with her at Christmas, this time when she took care of him so that I could go shopping or sleep in, he was fussy. :( One morning he kept screaming and so I came into the room and then he stopped like a light switch! It didn't matter what I did (I could completely ignore him), as long as he saw me. If I tried to casually walk behind the wall, he'd cry again. I know there's no way to avoid this phase, which does typically begin around 9 months old (I read that babies don't realize they're a separate person right now--they think they're one with their mom) but I hope that it won't be bad since he's used to just me all day, every day at home with him.

Since I last wrote, we made an appt. with the ENT for Thursday the 12th, exactly a week before his surgery.

I'm still nursing and there haven't been any problems with that the past week, so I'm like the little train who could. . ."I think I can, I think I can" (make it to Logan's surgery).

Not much happened on Tues or Wed of last week, except that on Tuesday I started my period with only one day of MILD cramps (so although not 100% painfree like in October & December, better than before I was pregnant) and on Wednesday I had my first massage since the first week of November and it was lovely!!!! I'm going back again next week.

Joe's mom came on Thursday and I finally got my driver's license renewed (it had expired on my birthday). When Joe came home we went to get me a new cell phone. My first was in 2002, my second in 2004, my third in 2006, and now my fourth in 2009. I hated the one I'd had the past two-and-a-half years because everyone always sounded muffled, but I never got around to upgrading it (we have a landline so I usually just talk on that). So I've been loving my new one!

Back at home Sandi fixed us supper, as well as Friday's breakfast and supper, and that evening Joe & I went to the movie theater! :) I really wanted to see Revolutionary Road; I'd heard a lot about it since it won several awards, but it wasn't playing here so I'll have to wait until the DVD. Instead we saw Valkyrie, which was good except I forgot the story doesn't have a happy ending. :/

Thursday & Friday Logan ate puffs. We were really proud becuase it was the first time he'd ever fed himself flawlessly (and he didn't gag--he actually indicated that he wanted more).

Unfortunately, the past five nights Logan has gotten up FOUR times during a ten hour night (something he hasn't done FOREVER). Not only that, but it's been with a SCREAM and he won't settle back down for a good ten minutes (something else that is really rare). Today he even woke up in the middle of his two hour nap (which yesterday and today he didn't take until 3 pm, making it the only one of the day).

We haven't been able to pinpoint a reason for this behavior. He doesn't appear to be sick or in pain. . . more like something keeps scaring him! All days since Wednesday he's been "high-need" and a couple of them he had dark red cheeks (a sign of an allergic reaction). I did start an organic formula the first day this happened (last Wed) so I haven't used it since (now we've bought what our pediatrician gave us when Logan had jaundice--Similac Advance, what all the samples were that Logan had been on off & on the past 9 months), but while he was better today than any of the prevous days, he isn't back to normal.

I also used Oragel on Wednesday because for the first time he reacted to a tooth coming in. The sixth one that we'd been waiting for (his left canine) popped through that day (January 14th). Until now, I've always given him Hyland's Hoemopathic Teething Tablets at the first sign of fussiness and they've always seemed to work because we can count on one hand how many entire fussy days Logan has had since he was born! But that day nothing seemed to work. I tried all of the natural remedies but it was apparent that the tooth was causing him pain--so we tried Oragel. . .but not anymore since.

Today I made sure to eat boring foods for my breastmilk (although he's never been sensitive to my breastmilk or foods I've eaten before) and there has been nothing different around him or in his system so we will see how tonight goes. I'm glad we have his 9 month check-up on Wednesday just to make sure nothing's wrong. I do remember our pediatrician saying that "month 9" is very common for relapses in sleep because they are noticing their surroundings and understanding that they are alone for the first time, so maybe that's all it is. (Which makes sense since this is also the first week he's ever shown signs of separation anxiety during the day.) I also read in The Fussy Baby Book that often babies at this age develop anemia; he has refused his rice cereal the past month but I was hoping he was getting enough iron since we started feeding him formula every day. However I've noticed him looking pale in his pictures which is a sign (as well as fussiness) so I'm glad they'll be checking his blood for that as well.

Anyway, Sandi stayed until Saturday night and then yesterday was Logan's nine month birthday! On a sad note, today 8 years ago Joe's dad died.

Chris is relieved that her baby turned back to the proper position--with four weeks to go! Yeay!

A couple of interesting "new mom" moments that I have never mentioned occured last month when I was at my grandma's 95th birthday. One, I learned how complete strangers will think they know more about your baby then you do. This was the day before Logan crawled and so we had him on the floor encouraging him. As you know, Logan has always made it very clear when something is bothering him. His leg was caught under him but he was happy at trying to crawl so I wasn't going to mess with him. A lady there was like, "His leg is bothering me." I told her it was okay, he was fine. But 30 seconds later she said, "I'm going to move his leg" and then just reached down and pulled it out from under him! This made him start crying -- I was so annoyed! He'd been perfectly happy until she'd done that! I didn't show it, though, I just scooped him up and said it was time for him to eat--just so I could take him to a different room away from her.

I was also surprised that people will just do what they want with him, without asking me. I guess I assumed that when it came to feeding him anything I would be consulted. As I said last time, we have not fed Logan adult food yet. I know a lot of moms have by this point but our doctor said not until his 9 month check-up and we've honored that. From what I've read, there's really no reason to feed him anything other than milk and baby food, so why rush it when we have our whole life ahead of us? But I guess this is really late for mothers "years ago" and so older generations want me to get goin'. Most respect me when I say, "not yet" but that day Logan was given a bite of regular food without asking me. I didn't say anything because it wasn't anything bad, but once again I was surprised at how other people will just take over so easily with someone else's baby.

The only other thing I wanted to mention today was there was another show aside from those I talked about in my last post that covered a topic I've discussed here--the whole vaccination thing. Private Practice did a show a couple of weeks ago about the dangers of not vaccinating (a mother had a son who was autistic and blamed it on the MMR so she didn't give that shot to her next son and he got measles and died). The fictional show was super scary and made me cry--which was its intent. But I was disappointed that they didn't show the third option--it's not all or nothing! You don't have to vaccinate or not vaccinate. Breaking up the vaccines, or giving the MMR after the age of two, is still protecting our children from deadly diseases if they are exposed--but also protecting from brain & immune disorders. Unfortunately, the show probably installed fear in a lot of people who don't know this and so even if their doctor gives them the option, they will opt for all vaccinations at once.

Our last two appts. have gone well so let's hope the one this week does, too! :)