10.5 Months Old!

This was originally written on Thursday, March 5, 2009:

I admit that when I used to hear women say, "If I was a stay at home mom, I'd go insane" or "I tried being a stay at home mom but had to stop because I was going insane" -- I thought they were being dramatic. Definitely exaggerating. Even making an excuse to not put their children first priority so they could be selfish instead. Don't get me wrong, I've always believed that everyone's "best" is different -- i.e. it is obvious that some women are definitely better moms if they work full-time, others if they work part-time, and others if they stay at home. . .and there are many who don't even have the choice from one to another, so I don't think anyone should feel pressured to do one over the other. We are all not meant to work full-time, part-time, or stay at home. My point is that I thought I'd have absolutely no problem being the latter. I've always REALLY WANTED to be a stay at home mom. That has always been what's fit me and still makes sense for me to do. It also seems best for my son. However, it is starting to take a toll on my mental health. I actually do feel like I'm losing my sanity! I was mistaken for thinking it was a joke when other women said this -- it's actually real.

Since I want to always keep Logan as my first priority -- meaning, I want to stay aware of how I'm the best mom to him so that I can always be -- I am making some major changes to my life this month. Right now he's still happy and content, but if I continue the way I'm going then I'm afraid he won't be. While I give genetics (nature) 80% of why his personality has been so cheerful and easy the past 10.5 months, I believe that switches by the time our lives are over and therefore 80% of who we are ends up being because of environment (nurture).

So, we've started the ball rolling for Logan to go to an at-home daycare one day a week to see if my getting a break will help. Unfortunately, I didn't realize how hard it was going to be. Joe and I made a "top ten" from our town's license list, but so far everyone we've heard from is full! At first I was pleased that they weren't trying to make an extra buck, and they know their limit, since Logan is just one day a week (work-wise they wouldn't notice a difference the other four days), also they can't be horrible if that many other parents are sending their children there. But then the last woman I talked to said she does have openings, just not for part-time. So now I wonder if they just don't like the idea of one day a week because then they have to find someone else willing to do just 4 days. But I just can't do more than one day at this time, then I'd go insane because I wasn't with Logan!

The first woman I e-mailed was the one I mentioned in my Brachial Cleft Fistula Surgery Over! post who I got a good vibe from -- who lives in my neighborhood and was featured on our news and has a website. She seemed nice through e-mail and gave me a link to a website similar to the one I posted in my last blog that allows you to find the best match for what you need, and has screenings, references, etc. Once again you have to pay, though. (This one is www.sittercity.com)

There is still Logan's friend Jaxson's babysitter (her price of $3.50 an hr is the average price around here, so I have no complaints with that) but the problem is that she's not in our neighborhood -- she's 15 minutes out of our way. So since there were 4 other women just two minutes away from our house, I e-mailed three and called one. I'm currently waiting to hear back from two of the e-mails.

None do I know anything about, other than they are licensed & certified and sound good on paper. So, whenever I find one with a part-time opening I will set up an interview. . .my cousin-in-law gave me some great suggestions for the interview process. Hopefully one of the remaining 7 from our list will work, and then Logan can start going in April.

Because, it occurred to me yesterday that I can only count minutes since Logan was born when I've actually had time all by myself --that means absolutely no one else around (so probably only when I'm in my car)! I was raised as an only child so it feels unnatural and uncomfortable for me to have someone around me every single minute of every single day. I just need one day to myself when I can clean or run errands or work on my novel or just take a nap! I've taken less than 5 naps since Logan was born (yes, even during his newborn phase). Right now he's taking a nap but I have to use this time to blog because it's a need of mine (similar to water & food) to get all of this out.

I admit a part of me feels guilty for "needing" to send Logan some place one day a week. I love him so much and I enjoy being around him more than anything!!!! I know those have nothing to do with each other but I just look at the stay at home moms who can do it and I feel like a failure (my neighbor, hello, has three kids and her husband is in the military so he's gone several months of the year! Guess what? She wants to have another! Her family lives in Utah so she has no help.) Maybe I had unrealistic expectations, but never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I'd be in this place. But I am getting comfortable with the new idea and feel good about it. This way I can continue to be a stay at home mom.

Joe and I have been doing as much of our own investigating as we can. I recently signed up on Facebook - I really don't like it and am not sure how long I will be staying, but it came in handy last night! We put 20 names from the license website in the search box and over half of them came up!!! Not only that, but only two had private pages, which meant we were able to read everything on everybody else's pages and look at all of their pictures. I'm sure they wouldn't be happy to know that we weeded a lot of people out that way! I mean, it sounds kind of bad to say that we cut some based on their pictures -- and some of the women were taken off the list because the husbands looked weird. I know they could easily be nice guys and other "normal looking" husbands could end up being the psychos -- but we had to start somewhere. Like, one of the women we found on Facebook is who I mentioned last time because of a sign in my neighborhood, but now I don't have to bother calling her. . .in all of the pictures of her husband, he and his friends were always making hand signs of guns. On the flip side, five of our top ten were because we DID like their Facebook pages -- they looked like decent people and we liked what they wrote!

I also think once spring is officially here that will help as well because then I can take Logan outside on a daily basis rather than be cooped up in our boring house all day. Because it's not that he's gotten difficult (in fact, "month ten" goes into his "best months category" because he hasn't been fussy at all); Logan has always been an easy child. The problem is that he is a healthy, normal 10.5 month old, haha! This means he's not meant to be sat in a corner by himself all day -- he needs me to be constantly playing with him, entertaining him, keeping him stimulated, feeding him a bottle - or solid food - or snacks - or just a drink of water. . .which has made me like a gas tank always on E, yet someone keeps trying to drive the car!

Despite most people feeling more ready for another baby as time goes by, I get more scared to have another one because I think if THIS is draining then what if I have a difficult child next -- or just an average one?! Not to mention, even two easy children are harder than one.

I have never taken Logan for granted. He's a far cry from the visual I previously imagined of having a baby. There have been less than ten times in these nearly eleven months when I wasn't able to get him to immediately stop crying the second he started (milk has ALWAYS done the trick since he was born). Only five nights since he was two weeks old were we ever awake for more than 5 minutes in the middle of the night, or had trouble getting him to go to bed or take a nap by just placing him in his crib. And, aside from having the brachial cleft fistula, he's never had any health issues -- best of all, having the brachial cleft never actually affected him. Only once was he constipated (when he was 4 months old) and he never had acid reflux or gas or any other super common issues most all babies deal with. 99% of the time he is smiling and content. Even when there was that month last fall when he wasn't wanting to take a nap, since then he has consistently taken a 2.5 hr nap every single day.

Despite all of this, I can't keep up!!!!!!! Every day I feel like I've been run over by a bus and I cry at the drop of a hat. I do nothing else with myself except take care of him. I swore before I became a mom that I was going to always do something for myself every day. . .but I didn't realize how much energy it would take! It's a cycle because when you're depressed you have no energy, but having no energy (and thus not being productive) makes you feel depressed.

I had hoped that once Logan had his surgery, this darkness that's been surrounding me since late January would go away. I don't know if it's my hormones out of whack since stopping the breastfeeding, but I have never been like this in my life. Sure, I've felt depressed plenty of times since junior high -- but never every single minute, every single day, every single week for no real reason. . .and it only seems to be getting worse. Don't worry, I haven't wanted to commit suicide (the thought of Logan losing me, or me being a part from Logan, is more than I can take) nor have I worried about hurting him (he's the only thing that makes me smile, and even in my depression I tell him how cute he is and how much I love him and how wonderful he is) -- but it's serious enough that Joe doesn't recognize me right now.

I haven't been able to go to my therapist that I mentioned who I see in my post, The Fussy Baby Book, because our insurance only had a certain amount of appts. they would pay for and those were used up so we have been trying to get them to agree for me to continue in 2009. The last time I went in January, my counselor said that we could check my hormone levels, but she's not going to sugar-coat it: if I need progesterone (which I wrote about in my post, My Son's 5th Month), it takes three months for it to work and it still might not, so then they'd switch me to a different dose which also takes time to work. I should have started the process last fall of getting my blood work done and supplementing progesterone (or whatever hormone is messed up) when this option was first brought to my attention (back when I felt myself go from being on a "high" Logan's first 4 months to "normal" the next 4 until 2 months ago then I went to "down"). Now I don't have the time and patience or even the motivation to try and come out of this on my own. She said that anti-depressants are an appropriate temporary solution for me in the meantime. I've always been too scared to consider them, but after the past couple of weeks I see that I need a quick fix so that I can start putting one foot in front of the other and then hopefully the changes I'm making will help me feel better and I can go off the pills. I know many people who are either on them now or have used them in the past and never had any negative problems, in fact, just the opposite (they consider them the best decision they ever made). So, I called my OBGYN yesterday and Joe picked me up a prescription for LexaPro; I've taken one pill but it says it could take up to 4 weeks before they start working.

Anyway, aside from the half-update I gave in my post, Brachial Cleft Fistula Surgery Over!, it's been a month-and-a-half since I wrote a full update, so I'm going to do that now!

Let's see. . .in January I talked about Logan having nightmares and night terrors. The good news is that he hasn't had any since my post, The Conclusion of Fussiest Week, so I'm hoping his brain is growing out of them now. (Fingers crossed.) Ever since he turned 9 months old he still sleeps every single night 11 hrs with no interruptions (8 pm to 7 am).

As for the peeing, we decided to try Huggie's Goodnight Diapers because I wasn't able to keep up with washing his mattress pad and sheets every single day, but guess what? The little guy is still peeing on himself! I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or not that he doesn't wake up anymore -- we just find him drenched a few mornings each week. :/ The only tip we have left to try is using TWO diapers at once. . .seriously?!

His 7th tooth never fully popped up! I had seen the bud in January so I expected it to come in that week. . .but his teeth decided to take a break because he's still at 6. Despite him having surgery and my crappy mood, he has been really good during month 10. I can't think of a single bad hour he's had. His recovery from the surgery was amazing. I've had anesthesia twice in my life and didn't feel back to normal for two weeks afterwards. For Logan it was seriously like nothing happened. He was so happy and content and active afterwards -- it was apparent he had no clue that we did anything other than go somewhere in public that day where he was able to play with toys!

We took off the bandage 24 hrs later and at first I thought that was going to be bad because it was taped really tight & secure -- it made someone getting waxed look like a breeze. But with the first corner, Logan jerked his body and his hand came up and helped us rip the tape off super fast! We had a bottle ready and we stuck it in his mouth so he never even cried. Whew.

Now it's been two weeks and it looks like he has a cut on his neck, but that is it! We have an appt. with the ENT today to make sure the incision is healing well. Each day it gets less and less red, so it doesn't look infected or like there have been any post-surgery problems. After today we will be done with the ENT and brachial cleft stuff forever!

He's 23.5 lbs now & 30 inches, so back up in the 90th percentile with both. Since I didn't start buying formula until January I didn't realize how quickly he would go through it. It is expensive! Yet another reason why I hope my next child breastfeeds easily until they're a year old! Half the time he finishes stage 3 foods now, the other half of the time just stage 2. Otherwise, he likes his puffs for snacks and organic mum mums (rice cakes), and I'll give him bites of our food, but he doesn't seem ready to eat our actual meals yet. So imagine Joe & my reaction when Stacy (Jaxson's mom) called me one day and said that Jaxson was full because last night they'd gone our for pizza and he'd had two slices and then that night they'd gone out for Mexican and he'd had chicken fingers and french fries! Wow!!!!!!!!!!

The first weekend after my last "update" blog, my parents came over January 25th before they left for a trip to Key West. We met for lunch at Jason's Deli and then went to Nebraska Furniture Mart because they wanted to buy us two twin beds for our second guest room (what will end up being Logan's room once baby #2 arrives). We also looked for final decor for our living/dining room (the rooms I'd been working on decorating since my 9 Months Old (Next Week) post when I mentioned I'd finished my first room: our downstairs bathroom) but couldn't find a table/stand for our entry way exactly like what we want, so that room is still not finished. . .but hopefully soon and then I can move on to our other rooms :)

That week I had a massage which was very nice, although I haven't been able to go since because she had to have surgery so hopefully soon I can start going twice a month again because those make a positive difference for me, too!

I also finally had our carpet cleaned (something that kept getting postponed) so it was comforting to me since Logan lives on the floor these days, haha.

Between Jan & Feb there were some nice weather days that I was able to take Logan for a walk which was great, we hadn't been since the fall. And I went scrapbooking at my neighbor Jenn's house once. My other neighbor, Brenda, also scrapbooks and sells supplies so she came over a couple of evenings and played with Logan and I bought two punchers from her.

I also found my black maternity pants!!!! I doubt anyone remembers, but back when I was pregnant I was so frustrated because after Christmas I could not find my one pair of maternity "dress pants." I'd only worn them a couple of times and couldn't figure out where in the world they'd gone. It was a bummer because they hadn't been cheap and they wouldn't do me any good if they turned up after I was done ever being pregnant. Well one day I went to wear a shirt that apparently I hadn't worn in an entire year, because when I took it off the hanger there my pants were underneath! I had searched my closet and clothes up & down the past year, but somehow missed them. I'm not sure why they were on that particular hanger since the shirt never would have been worn with those pants, but at least I found them for my next pregnancy!

A couple of funny things Logan started doing that month: shouting when the dogs bark (I don't know whether he's trying to join in or if he's mimicking me yelling at them to stop, haha) and banging his head against the wall. The latter one I'm trying not to react to because otherwise it's going to upset me! I've seen horror stories of toddlers hurting themselves when they're mad and I don't want this to be something Logan does. Right now he only does it when he's happy & playing. . .Joe and I don't know why -- usually he doesn't hurt himself, but every now and then he'll look at us, shocked, like, "owe that hurt." You think?!

Last fall I wrote that for a couple of months Logan shivered for no reason, which we learned was a sign of babies brains developing. That had stopped by the winter, as expected, although sometimes he shivers because he's cold (teeth chattering) which is cute, but it's always during a time when it doesn't feel cold to Joe & me!

The first day of February I hosted a baby shower for my first of three friends due in April, Heather. She's who threw my shower last year. The wives of Joe's other former co-workers, Lisa, Sarah, and Sara, came and we ate food, played games, and had a really good time. I got to meet Lisa and Sarah's babies for the first time (Elijah was born the end of October and Riley was born mid-November so they were 2.5 & 3 months old).

That week our builder and construction guys came over to look at & fix our stairway railing (thank God). That weekend (Saturday, Feb. 7th) I went to the shower of my third friend who is due in April, Brooke. (The second one is Melissa who lives in Arizona so unfortunately I couldn't make her shower.) That, too, was a lot of fun!

On Sunday, Feb. 8th I mentioned in my last update blog is when Logan had a playdate with Jaxson. That week (the 12th) he had an appt. with the ENT to make sure he was okay for surgery (which obviously he was)! I started my period that day and had cramps like I did in November (which were not as bad as pre-Logan but still bad enough to take an ibuprofen, unlike in Oct, Dec & Jan).

Thursday, February 12th was also the day that my friend Chris had her precious baby boy!!!! She called me from the hospital and told me her complete labor story. She had a successful hypnobirthing experience! I'm so excited that I now know five people personally who have done this. She sure gets kudos, WOW -- her labor started on Tuesday! We were actually supposed to get together that day because she'd started her maternity leave the week before, even though Gregory wasn't due until the 20th. But she called and said she'd gotten her bloody show that morning! Two days later, at 12:40AM, her six pound baby made his appearance! He came out sunny side up just like Logan so she is happy she didn't have to have a c-section, especially since her pushing phase was almost 3 hrs. Poor little guy had jaundice like Logan, but thankfully not as bad. I can't wait to meet him.

On Saturday (Valentine's Day) I decided to try one last time to have my hair colored red. Third time was not a charm. It faded after 48 hrs into the worst color ever but I'm done coloring my hair. Apparently some people's hair just won't do red and mine seems to be one of them.

I, did, however finally celebrate the end to my breastfeeding by buying myself a sexy bra :) I actually wanted to get an entire new wardrobe, but only got as far as the underwear and then it was time to go home. So, that's on tap for the future.

I've figured out why all of a sudden I like to shop when for my first 29 years I didn't. It's because it used to be more work and take more energy than just being at home. But now being at home is more work and energy, lol. Going shopping is actually a break!

In my last update blog I talked about how the last time I pumped was January 31st. The first thing I did was (not all at once) have myself one big glass of wine (my third alcohol in almost two years), a ceaser salad, tuna fish, some blue cheese, and began drinking cherry coke again (my only source of caffeine since I don't drink coffee. Cherry Coke was limited while I was pregnant and nursing but now I drink it whenever I want!)

I also exercised a few times between Jan & Feb, but not enough -- I'm now up 3 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight, which means I've gained EIGHT pounds since I stopped breastfeeding! :( Even though I'm not eating as much in quantity, nor am I eating as much sugar/desserts as I was before. I haven't done so well keeping my new year's resolution of making homemade meals every single day, but I have a few times and I'm also eating more fruits & vegetables and less processed stuff. (Same for Joe, no more problems with diverticulitis.) So there is no doubt breastfeeding is what took my baby weight off because now it's coming back on!

Joe and I went out to eat for Valentine's Day (something we only do once a month now) to La Mesa Mexican Restaurant, but have decided we're not going to eat there anymore. We used to really like it, but every time we've gone in the past year I haven't enjoyed it, so there are plenty of other Mexican places in our area to eat at from now on instead.

Otherwise, we didn't do much -- I gave Joe a little football shaped box of chocolates and a card.

On Sunday I went with Lisa, Sarah, and Sara to see He's Just Not That Into You which was really good! It was definitely what I needed that week. I can't wait to get together with them this weekend for scrapbooking (I've only been twice since Logan was born) as well as next week we're going to another movie.

Logan's surgery was that Thursday, Feb. 19th and then Stacy, Matt, and Jaxson came over that weekend to give Logan a gift for making it through his surgery, which was very nice!

My parents came over on Thursday, February 26th for the rescheduled concert you might remember me telling you about in my post, 7 Months Old! -- we were going to go to the Celine Dion concert. Joe ended up staying home with Logan (because when Celine had to cancel three months ago we were able to get a full refund for him so that way didn't have to worry about a babysitter). I had an excellent time. We had awesome seats and she was amazing. I couldn't believe how "real" she seemed. You would think that someone who has been in the business since she was 13 would be a diva. But she was so sincere and acted like an "every day" person. She talked to us, had Las Vegas dancers, and sang from her heart. (And somehow changed her clothes before every song!)

I've never cried at a concert before. . .I used to work in radio so I've been to my share, but I kept feeling tears around my eyes that night! Not just because she's so incredibly talented (I don't care whether you like her or not, you can't argue!), but I realized it's because she's one of the only singers I've listened to through so many different times in my life! I actually haven't listened to her for awhile so I was really grateful to be "brought back."

I first became "introduced" to her in 1996 when "Because You Loved Me" came out. Here's where I blush: it's because my friend and I used to call up a radio station and dedicate songs to the guys we had crushes on! One night I called too late and so the DJ was putting everyone at the end on the same song which happened to be the first time I ever heard "Because You Loved Me." I decided I really liked it and so that would be "my song" with the guy. (Oh my) So twice when that song played at our school dances I asked him to dance! (Oh my) I'd listen to the song in my room, staring out the window, looking at the stars and dreaming of what it must be like to be in love. (Oh my) Well, I never found love with that particular guy, but that song still makes me feel young & naive again.

In college, when I got my heart broken for the first time, I bought as many of Celine's CDs as I could and listened to her "decade of songs" album over & over. "That's The Way It Is" was my favorite, and brings back more mature feelings. Since those days, I fell in love with Joe, got married, and have come a long way from both the high school girl who swooned over a guy she couldn't have, and then the college girl who was bitter after dating several jerks. So I realize that Celine Dion represents the wide spectrum for me, of emotions I've gone through from age 16 to 29!

The next night Friday, February 27th, my parents watched Logan while Joe and I stayed in a hotel with a jacuzzi. It was really great to have a date with him. Joe's been having to work late the past month so between that and having a baby it's hard to find any time to talk these days.

My parents left on Saturday and not much has happened this week except that I feel I'm coming down with something. :( I thought it was too good to be true that I didn't catch anything this winter. Aside from a cold in September, it's been over a year since I've had a virus. Hopefully it won't be anything bad.

I took Logan outside today to play for the first time. He seemed stunned at how hard/scratchy the driveway was but enjoyed watching the other kids playing on our street and I also pushed him around on his car. My neighbor Jenn was outside with her three kids so we chatted, I hadn't talked to her since January but hope to start coming over again for scrapbooking soon.

Logan is not walking yet but I think he could if he wanted. He can go from a seated position and actually stand up on his own (without holding on to anything) and then stand indefinitely. When he does hold on to something he can run around at a very fast pace, hardly touching. But when I try to take away whatever he's holding on to, he gives me a funny grin like, "You're silly if you think I'm going to walk on my own!" On several occasions he's taken one step on his own but then falls to the ground the second his foot hits. I was 11 months when I took my first steps, Joe was 9 months. (Joe was 6 for crawling; I was 9; Logan was 7) So I think it will be soon!

Returning To "Normal" (Is that a good thing?)

This was written on Thursday, August 28, 2008:

This is a big week for Logan! Sunday was when he started standing on his own (next to our table -- I posted a pic in my last post) and tonight he held himself in a sitting position for quite awhile, check it out! :-)

4 months 10 days--Good job, Logan!
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This was originally written on Wednesday, September 3, 2008:

Today last year was Labor Day--the day I found out I was pregnant :-)

This year my news is that Logan rolled all of the way over for the first time on Sunday, August 31st! Since then he's been a rolling machine. Every time I put him down he immediately rolls over and acts very proud of himself. :-) The humorous part is that now he refuses to stay on his back! Unfortunately, he's forgotten how to roll from tummy to back (something he did a few times at a month old, but only one time since), so once he gets on his stomach he gets frustrated. He appears to think the point of being on his tummy is to crawl, because he keeps trying, but his arms aren't strong enough yet.

What a big week: standing, sitting, and rolling over all within 7 days! Joe was four months-twenty-seven days when he went from back to font; Logan was four months-thirteen days! (I didn't do it until eight months old because I was over two months premature.)

I have a feeling Logan will be crawling next. His legs are strong enough, and he definitely has the desire (he gives himself quite the workout by trying and trying--it always looks like he's swimming), he just doesn't know how to work his arms with his legs yet.

I never realized prior to having a baby that he would have an instinct to do all of these things on his own. I'd thought I was supposed to teach him everything, but he's been the one to show me rather than me show him. There must still be a nature's schedule going on, just like when he was in the womb. It's so fun to watch!

Since my last post, we decided not to keep our original plan of going five hours away for Labor Day weekend. For the past twenty-one years my stepdad's family has had a get-together for my cousins' birthdays, but Joe & I had to miss last year's because it was the weekend we moved into our new house. Hopefully we'll be able to attend next year because I always love spending time with them.

Also hopefully this weekend goes well with Logan (Joe's in a wedding--his best man is getting married in Iowa), since it'll only be his second time for traveling (the first was at 7 weeks old). I am amazed at how many people I know have already flown on a plane with their babies at this age. I am still not relaxed about just taking road trips! (Experts recommend not flying before three months old, here are two articles from BabyCenter and Surf Net Parents.)

My mom is going to come help out next week for a couple of days so that should give me a little break. My mood has still been down, so I'm going to see if my doctor will prescribe me progesterone at my annual exam this Friday.

I've been learning more about hormones prior, during, and after pregnancy. During pregnancy, progesterone is the highest it will ever be. Afterwards there is a major drop--which is why many women get post partum depression. Taking anti depressants will just mask the problem and often end up making hormones even more out of whack, but still most doctors prescribe them rather than trying to get hormones balanced first. (Let me note that I am not Tom Cruise and therefore I feel anti depressants ARE the right option for some people, I just don't feel I'm one of them.)

This makes sense to me because it fits exactly what I said on my own in my last post! Since I was put on progesterone early in my pregnancy because I tested low means that it is most likely low again. When progesterone is low, depression is the most common side effect, as well as:

Infertility
Thyroid dysfunction
Fibrocystic breasts
Weight gain
Gallbladder disease
Low Blood Sugar
Panic attacks
Water retention
Irregular menstrual cycle
Blood clots during menstruation
Magnesium deficiency
Vaginal dryness
Breast tenderness

At different "times of the month," progesterone levels change within our bodies. That explains why for years I've described the week before my period as having a black cloud over my head--but then as quickly as it comes on, it goes away, so that's why I never thought it was a big deal. I've never gone on anti-depressants because I just assumed "that was me." But not feeling like that the past year made me realize what my life would be like without it--and I liked that feeling A LOT better! I've never thought of myself as unstable or moody, but compared to the past year, I notice a difference now. I'm actually glad it seemed to happen overnight a couple of weeks ago, because if it had been gradual I might not have recognized the change, and then I'd naively deal with this until menopause. But I felt the drop inside of me, so now hopefully something can be done about it.

I actually tried over-the-counter progesterone cream back in 2004 for cramps (and irregular cycles), but it was very brief because I didn't notice an improvement. However now I've learned that for someone like me I'm going to need the hardcore prescription kind, like what I went on during my first trimester.

Maybe it will help my cramp-problem this time (that's an entirely different topic which I'll blog about some other time--but I can sum it up by saying that my contractions during labor were just as severe as menstrual pain that I've had. In fact, even though my contractions started in the last phase (there was no gradual build up or breaks between them like most women have), I remember thinking, "This is what it feels like to go into labor?! But I've done this before!!!!" Over the years there were days I'd cried in bed, sweat pouring down my forehead, the pain so severe I was dizzy, etc. Nothing helped my pain subside).

I had surgery in August of 2005 to check to see if something was wrong with me, like endometriosis. But my doctor said I looked healthier inside than what they're taught as doctors that we should all look like! I was actually disappointed that she didn't find anything because that meant there was no cure for my pain! She suggested I try different birth control methods--but I'd had major side effects with the pill (I was on it from Feb. '03-Feb. '04) so I recoiled from the idea of trying the other stuff out there since the regular birth control pill has the least amount of side effects! I'd just be trading one problem for another. (Birth control raises estrogen, which lowers progesterone, so I was the most "down" the year I was on the pill, it also caused me to get regular migraines for the first and only time in my life, lowered my immune system so I had one virus after another. . .among other things.)

I tried eliminating certain food from my diet (like wheat, dairy, sugar, caffeine, and fried foods), and even going through detox for copper toxicity (because I tested high for levels of copper in my system, common in women who have been on the birth control pill)--but neither helped. The only way I got through the last two years was because I had saved hydrocodone from my surgery--so that became my savior. I was careful with it so as not to become addicted; I didn't want to ever have to get a prescription, so I just took one each month on my worst day. I can't even describe the difference when it would kick in. I could actually function--happily! But, I took my last pill with my last period before I got pregnant, so I've dreaded getting it again without painkillers.

Could it be as simple as my hormones causing me to actually have contractions each month???

I still haven't started my period--but, like I said last week, I can tell it's soon. (It's like having my one bad week from my past, only for three weeks so far this time--ick! At least it's not affecting my time with Logan, I'm still able to enjoy him and feel happy whenever I look at him.) Joe thinks the shift in my hormones might also have caused the recent change in my milk supply (which you can read about on my "Okay. . .I'm Ready For My First Break "post). And, unfortunately, last night the moment I knew would happen, happened: it dropped again. I nursed Logan for TWO HOURS and it still didn't satisfy him. I know I wasn't "supposed" to give him formula, but I finally did for the first time since he was three weeks old (because I don't have anymore breastmilk stored). I've increased my fenugreek intake to maximum and am back to pumping, so I'll be fine for awhile longer. . .but I told Joe last night that I don't even know if I want to try to continue anymore. I was ready to throw in the towel when Logan was three weeks old--it was bad enough nursing for two straight hours back then, but four months later?! For a long time I felt guilty, like I was being selfish, but now I'm wondering how anyone could be motivated at this point!

I considered contacting La Leche, but I've clearly nourished Logan well for four-and-a-half months, isn't that good enough? But then I think about the winter coming and how breastmilk might protect/prevent Logan from catching viruses, and also comfort him when he recovers from surgery. SIGH.

Well, we might not have a choice; I might be physically unable to soon. I will keep centering my life around breastfeeding for another month, but a miracle's gonna have to happen for me to continue any longer than October (six months).

A lot of people have been telling me that if I start feeding Logan solids it will help me keep up with him. Logan has taken an interest in our food now, so I understand why four months old is when doctors say babies can start eating cereal. (It is a development builder, too.) Although I had planned on waiting until he was six months old so as to be sure to avoid allergies, as well as the other reasons found in my post titled Four Months Old, we've decided to compromise and do it on his five month birthday.

Who knows, maybe going on progesterone will somehow help the breastfeeding. I also can tell my metabolism has slowed down over these past two weeks, which makes me feel lazy and bloated for the first time since having Logan. I guess the above list did say that low progesterone equals weight gain. (Even though after somehow losing 35 lbs two weeks post partum and my other 7 lbs that I'd gained while pregnant by two months, I currently weigh less than I did before I got pregnant.)

On another note, we were finally able to make it to Babies R Us on Saturday to use our 10% off coupon from when Logan was born (I had mentioned here that we would in July but we weren't able to then after all). So we finally bought the rest of the things on our registry, as well as his first Baby Einstein DVD and some sunglasses for him. They didn't have any boy ones left, so he has cherry glasses, hehe.

We rested up on Sunday and then Monday (Labor Day) we were invited over to Mike & Sara's because they were grilling out, so it was fun chatting with them, Darin & Lisa, Nick & Heather, and Shawn & Sarah. (The husbands that Joe used to work with.) Under my August archives link I wrote on a couple of posts that I have three friends who are pregnant & due in April. One of them is Heather (she is 10 weeks already), another is Melissa (my friend who lived in Omaha up until April, she is 9 weeks), and the other is Brooke, a girl I used to work with (she's now 8 weeks along). It was fun to talk pregnancy with Heather in person for the first time, since I was the very first person she told the end of July!

Not long after we returned home that night, I had one of the worst experiences ever.

Before I gave birth it was drilled into my mind never to put anything in a baby's crib. SIDS has been reduced by NINETY-FIVE PERCENT since experts started telling parents to put their babies on their back and eliminate bumper pads, blankets, and stuffed animals from their sleeping areas. I have always followed those rules to a T (for other tips, go to the SIDS Network site), except when Logan is playing in his crib or pack n play and I am in the same room--then I let him have a stuffed animal, and/or he also likes to hold on to a burp cloth or one of his two mini-blankets.

Well, after I had finished changing Logan's diaper, I set him in his pack n play. He was wide awake and energetic, so I let him have his Chicago Bears blankie (it has a little bear rattle on the end). I didn't expect him to be in his pack n play for long. Lately when he's in that type of mood he won't just "hang out"--he wants to be in his bouncer or play gym, etc. But, he wasn't complaining, so I left the room for a moment (Joe was outside watering the yard).

Suddenly I heard the worst scream of my life.

It was not a cry that I had EVER heard from him. I'm sure other mothers out there know how it is--you can predict what it is your baby wants based on the sound of their cry. It was much easier than I had thought to learn his cries fairly early on. Logan has always been very predictable--until that HORRIBLE, desperate, gurgling sound which came out of nowhere. I immediately took off running because I knew 100% that something was wrong. My first thought was that maybe the changing table on the pack n play had fallen on him. The cry said that something had hurt him.

As I reached his pack n play my heart jumped into my throat. His arms and legs were punching and kicking because his face was completely covered with the 15 x 15 inch blanket! My eyes became blurry as I threw off the blanet and scooped my baby up in my arms. His chest was going in and out rapidly and he was breathing like a person who had just run a race. I held him close and wanted to ball my eyes out, but instead I silently rocked him until he smiled and I knew he was over it.

But I'm not. Boy did I learn a lesson. I'm NEVER letting him play with a blanket again (unless I'm sitting right next to him, not going anywhere). You always hear people say you can't take your eyes off your kids, but that's easier said than done. Who sits and stares at their children every second of every day?!

I knew I didn't trust Logan to be on his stomach without me (he has a strong neck, but when he gets tired he will put his head face down--so I am worried about him in his crib at night now that he can roll over). He is also obviously too young to know how to escape from an item that is suffocating him.

I hate that this happened because I was already trying to be aware of danger zones to prevent--but obviously I missed this one, so it pains me to know I will probably miss another in the future. I just want to sob at the thought of Logan in any pain.

The worst part was knowing that Logan felt fear--that was what caused him to scream. Joe said it was a good thing, a survival mechanism, because he knew he was in danger--but I can't handle the thought of what could have happened had he NOT screamed! All it takes is a few seconds for a baby's air being cut off for our lives to be changed forever.

Ugh, I can't write anymore about it. . .it's still so upsetting. . .he means EVERYTHING to me!!!! If I lost him, you might as well consider Andrea lost forever because I'd never even be a shell of myself. I know what people mean when they say the worst loss is the loss of a child. I pray to God I never experience that.

It made Bella's experience today hardly seem worth any stress. Our fence gate was somehow open this afternoon, and so Bella escaped. I didn't even realize it until she'd been outside for ten minutes, which was longer than usual, so I called for her to come in. It wasn't like her to not come when called, and so I stepped out on the deck because I couldn't see her, and that's when I noticed the gate open. I knew then that she wasn't in our yard and could have already gone far in those ten minutes.

I put on my shoes and coat and ran out our front door, calling to her. An SUV was driving down the street and so my voice took on a more panic tone, as I prayed she wouldn't get hit by a car. Thankfully, I spotted her--she was only two houses down and she must have sensed my voice because she came running straight toward me, although she kept hunching down like she thought she was going to be in trouble. But I just didn't have the energy to yell at her like I normally would have, so that was that.

As for Cosmo, something is wrong with his leg(s). Every half an hour he starts crying and snuggles to me. Joe & I noticed that he keeps stretching his legs, so if he's still doing this tomorrow morning I'm taking him to the vet. We've been told since he was a puppy that at some point he may have knee problems, so I'm wondering if that's what's going on or if he just jumped wrong off the bed or something. Hopefully it's nothing serious. . .I'm fine with no more drama!