Okay. . I'm Ready For My First Break

This was originally written on Tuesday, August 26, 2008:

I had my massage! (I ended up having it today rather than last Friday) My only complaint is that the hour went too fast! But, an hour's better than nothing. I'm still hoping for my beach vacation (that Joe agreed to when I was in labor, haha) sometime in 2009. Having no real "time off" (that means at least 24 hrs) since Logan's been born is getting to me for the first time.

At least he is back to his easier, happier, sweet self. It took over 24 hours after Logan pooped and Joe returned home last week. I felt like Logan and I bonded a lot more with Joe gone (he slept in my room all four days in his carseat). He stared blankly at Joe for several hours after he got home from Branson--like he thought he looked familiar but couldn't place him. When Joe held him the first time he even screamed (whereas he's ALWAYS greeted him with a huge grin). I think that made Joe a little sad. Thankfully, by the next day Logan seemed to remember him--now he happily responds to Joe the way he always did before.

I think my "quiet" days are over, though. (Or at least until my kids are in school.) When Logan's awake he wants action-action-action! He finally has a consistant pattern/schedule to his days, though! He wakes up every morning at 7 or 8 am and takes a nap from 9 or 10 to 11 or noon, then another nap from 3-4 pm, and is awake until 8 pm. He's still sleeping 11-12 hrs straight through the night which is GREAT for me because I do best with my rest all at once, rather than split up. The trick for me now is to figure out how to get things done during the day and/or to find time just to myself. It used to be that I could do other things while he was awake, but now he requires my constant attention every minute of his "awake time." I'm learning how to be a morning person (which I've never been) because otherwise it gets to be 5 pm and Joe arrives home and I'm still in my pjs with my hair uncombed and spit-up all over me :p

Needless to say, pumping is impossible now (no time), so hopefully I won't have another drop in my milk supply. After my last post it did go up finally (yeay) so I've been exclusively nursing again and am at exactly Logan's amount--which means there are no more storage containers in our freezer for if he has another growth spurt, but as long as nursing continues to meet his exact demand, it will be okay.

I'm worried about what happens in two weeks, since that's how long I've gone in the past without pumping before I get a dry spell. (Although I've still always pumped at least one day a week so that I can go out in public and not have to worry about not-breastfeeding-friendly places.)

I am definitely WAY more knowledgeable about breastfeeding these days compared to when Logan was first born, so hopefully that will at least help me with my next baby. I have been researching the history of breastfeeding in America and feel my brain is full of everything a person could possibly learn about nursing. (You can click on this link to read my post titled The History Of Breastfeeding in America.)

For one, we always hear doctors say that once you get to 36 weeks gestation then the baby is fine to arrive. This is true when you're talking about developmentally--but what you don't hear is that for each week that a baby is born prior to 40 weeks, it's that much harder to nurse. I've discovered it is quite common for babies born at 37 weeks gestation (what Logan was) to have a slower time than a baby born at 40. (Logan was actually born on the first day of 37 weeks, so he'd actually just finished his 36th week, i.e. he was thirty-six weeks and one day.)

The biggest obstacle, though, of course, was the jaundice. The more severe the jaundice, the harder it is for any woman to breastfeed because the baby simply doesn't have the energy. Logan had a severe case (had to be hospitalized in an incubator) which meant that not only was his sucking lazy (even though he had a perfect latch right away and immediately knew what to do) so he wasn't getting enough milk (losing an entire pound in three days which made the jaundice worse) but he had to be fed formula for four days because he had "breastmilk jaundice" which meant the only way he was going to recover was to get him off of breastmilk briefly. But introducing him to the bottle so soon (at only a week old) taught him that bottles are easier and so that was preferable when he was tired.

Not enough sucking by Logan and no relieving my milk in other ways caused my milk supply to not come in enough--and so it wasn't until I started pumping when he was two weeks old that I could even help Logan out! (We had both ends going against us.) It took until week 7 before I was able to exclusively breastfeed (i.e. go 24 hrs without pumping/giving him breastmilk in a bottle). And that only happened after an exhausting 24/7 focus on teaching him to rely on my breast, not the bottle.

So, it was a HUGE success when Logan finally had the energy to nurse until he was full all of the time--and to prefer it to breastmilk in a bottle. Each day over the past 11 weeks has been easier than the one before, so most days I nurse all day--especially now that I barely have to do anything: he immediately knows what's coming when I take off my shirt, gets in position himself, I don't have to hold his head or my breast, or any of the things I used to have to do. I can put him in any position and even move around, which I never thought possible because he needed assistance for so long.

But, as I said in my previous post, every couple of weeks Logan doesn't take my breast, because he wants more milk. (I know that seems strange since he's in the 90th percentile with his weight, but he acts the same as a starving child--opening his mouth and searching desperately for a nipple, making sounds like "oh! oh! oh!" and then if we try and trick him with a pacifier or something, he just screams and screams and screams--huge tears pouring down his face, his face turning purple. . .nothing soothes him, it's awful!) So, at those times I go the freezer and give him a bottle, and then I pump all day to make sure my milk is flowing. Once it is, I go back to exclusively breastfeeding. But last week that didn't work. I pumped every other hour (and breastfed every other hour) for days and days and days before my milk matched his demand. It really took a toll on me.

The only good to come out of pumping the past four months was that I never had to be interrupted when out in public. But it's a double-edged sword. I had to do it to be able to breastfeed at all (and to continue after every couple of weeks). . .but now I'm wondering if my breasts are more dependent on the pump rather than Logan. (I've read so many times that it's prolactin in the baby's saliva that best increases milk, but the pump seems to do it better for me. Rather than work at getting my milk out, Logan refuses to nurse when my milk stops flowing an extra amount. I think that's still his habit from his newborn days.)

I know that when I have my next child it will be even harder to find the time to pump, so I am really going to try not to use it at all with baby #2. Of course I'd never planned on using it with baby #1 (which is why I didn't buy one until he was two weeks old) but if I carry my next baby to full-term and he/she doesn't have jaundice, then my original plan has a good chance of working. If, for some reason, the same things happen as with Logan, then I will only pump in the beginning for my milk production--but as soon as baby #2 is recovered from jaundice I will go cold turkey on the bottle! It seems that week 3 is easier than month 3 because Logan totally has expectations now to his amount of "meals." During his first three weeks of life he never indicated to me that he wasn't getting enough--we never would have known if not for the scale at the pediatrician's office.

I know the average time for women to breastfeed (including my mom w/ me) is six months, even though one to two years is actually what's recommended--but I can understand why most women stop! It's ironic I mentioned in my post titled "My Son's Brachial Cleft Fistula" that breastfeeding was easy now and I no longer doubted I could do it for a year (what has always been my goal). But since the middle of August I've been praying I can make it just two more months (to six months old)! If it seems like I can't, then I'll contact La Leche since they have support groups.

Breastfeeding is wonderful (I understand why moms say they miss it when it's over--there are no other moments I feel as close to Logan as I do when nursing. It's the most intimate experience you can have with your child; I haven't been able to find anything else that compares because it's the only way at this stage that you can cuddle and he can cuddle back! Plus, most of all, I know I'm giving him the best possible "health"--if it wasn't for that I would have given up by now)--but the women who have never had any setbacks or challenges are lucky! It becomes a love-hate relationship otherwise, which is very exhausting and depressing. If I worked outside the home there's no way I'd still be able to keep up. It's hard enough here. So that's why even though my milk supply is better now, and I'm back to nursing (but every two hours), my mood isn't any better than last week.

I'm also wondering if my hormones are returning to normal--as in, I might soon be getting my first period since having Logan. I feel like I have PMS for the first time in over a year. I actually forgot what it felt like to have a black cloud over my head like I always did one week every month since high school. I noticed during my pregnancy how I never had that, no matter how sick or uncomfortable I was, or even after my cousin's baby dying, the Omaha shooting, my trip to the ER, or my pre-term labor scare--or when I felt "blah" the day before I went into labor. I think my hormones were at a better level which is why I didn't have post partum depression even though I had post wedding depression for an entire year after I got married! I think breastfeeding might even have kept my hormones higher, but after awhile it's inevitable for them to drop back down. I can tell I'm there.

There is no set time for women to get their period back, especially if breastfeeding. Some women don't get it until they're completely done nursing (however long that may be), others have it at six months, others as soon as three months. (Non-breastfeeders have them again 1-2 months after the baby is born.)

The more hours a woman goes between nursing, the quicker the period returns. For example, since Logan sleeps 11-12 hrs every night (that means no eating) I am very likely to start my period any day now, whereas a mom who is not waiting longer than three hours between feedings will resume much later. This also means I am more likely to get pregnant! However, only two percent of women ovulate before that first period, so that's where the myth comes from of not being able to get pregnant while breastfeeding. For most, it's not until after you have that first period that you need to be careful. (Because, also, even if ovulation occurs breastfeeding often hinders implantation.) Still, since you never know when that first period will arrive you should be extra careful if you're not planning to have another baby yet! AskDrSears gives some good tips.

I've also read that your first period is likely to be heavy and painful. Since your body has not been ovulating for nine or more months, the first period is going to be hard on your body.

On to more pleasant things. . .! Logan stood up without us holding on to him for the first time on Sunday! Joe was playing with him in our living room and propped him up against our coffee table. . .and Logan stood firm so Joe let go and Logan lasted nearly a minute! He does it regularly now!After my last post when Joe & his sister returned from the Lake of the Ozarks, we ordered pizza and then they showed me an awesome slideshow that they and Joe's other sister made for their mom (they went on that trip to celebrate her 65th b-day which is September 11th).

Joe then took AnMarie to the airport early morning on Thursday and returned to work on Friday. For the weekend, my mom & stepdad brought my maternal grandmother to see our new house and to meet Logan. We had a great time. We went out to eat at Roja Mexican Grill on Saturday and Wheatfields on Sunday. Logan was on his best behavior both places--yeay.

I had never heard about my grandmother's labor experiences but it was really interesting--her first baby (my uncle) took over 24 hrs to come out because of her pelvis! This was back in the day when women were completely put out for their birthing experience (which is so strange to me) so she didn't remember any of it, but it was what the doctor told her later. I don't think that there is any doubt that the shape of your pelvis is genetic. (My cousin on her side had a c-section with both of her babies for this reason as well--and the first was posterior but not the second.) It was reassuring to me because my grandma's second baby (my mom) took 3 hrs, and her third (my aunt) took half that! My grandma is an example of how just because you have one baby that won't come out easily doesn't mean all will be the case.

Those of you who read My Birth Story might remember that it took my mom 4 hours from when she dilated to when she pushed me out. If Logan hadn't been face up, that's all my entire labor would have been, too (rather than 7.5). I'm starting to see a nice trend in my family!

I really don't have much else to report. . .Logan is growing into his name which is neat. Up until now he really didn't look like a Logan so I called him L.J. Joe used to call him Billy because of back when he kept getting his biliruben levels checked for jaundice, but that hasn't been so much lately. He can also pull my hair with his feet, LOL.

Joe rented a DVD for me so I'm going to see if I can escape into that now. It's about a woman going insane. :/