When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade

This was originally written on Monday, June 30, 2008:

Our appointment with the plastic surgeon tomorrow has been rescheduled to Thursday, due to the doctor being in another surgery all day. I am ready to just get this show on the road. Lately I'll start to forget about Logan's upcoming surgery and so I'll feel happy--but then I'll remember and it puts a damper on my mood.

I am beginning to see that something good can come out of this, though. Last week I was getting depressed and then our builder came over. (They'll fix anything in our house for free within a couple of years. Nothing has broken, we just have a couple of doors that won't shut due to the house settling.)

I had just finished feeding Logan and so he was sitting on my lap (as he can do by himself now that he can hold his head up--as long as something is supporting his back! (So he LOVES his bumbo chair.) Logan was looking around and smiling and seemed more like a little man than a two-month-old baby, haha. The builder was going over the warranty info with us but kept stopping to comment about how cute Logan was. He said he & his wife thought their children were cute until now when they look at their baby pictures, they've realized not all babies are cute (ahh)! (His kids are in their teens now. He said that people always say the "terrible twos" are bad but they're nothing compared to the teen years. He said he'd love to go back to the toddler age.)

Anyway, five different times the guy said, "Look how healthy he is! Wow, what a healthy baby. His color is so good. He's so alert. He's so strong."

After he left, Joe asked me if I'd noticed how frequently the guy had mentioned how healthy Logan is. During those times I'd silently said to myself "but he's going to need surgery!" It was then when I realized I was starting to subconsciously think of Logan as a sickly child and that's clearly not the case. Joe held up our dark, chubby little guy and said, "Does this look like a sick baby to you?"

It totally made me snap out of the pity party, which I'm very glad!!!! I wasn't looking at life realistically. Without meaning to or even being aware of what I was doing, it was like I was expecting Logan to be perfect. But--duh--from the minute we are born we start imperfect lives. Since Logan is a part of this world, it was just a matter of time before he was going to have "something" wrong. Joe pointed out that all kids deal with a setback. If it wasn't now, it'd be something in the future. Sure, I'd prefer Logan not to have been faced with this so soon in his life, but having this brachial cleft doesn't make him less than he would have been without it. He's still healthy. In fact, it has nothing to do with his health--it's a genetic trait that was passed on, just like the cowlicks in his hair. And, better than a lot of genetic traits, once it's gone, it's gone. He should have no complications or even a sign that he had this (aside from a small scar).

I've been watching season one of the TV show Brothers & Sisters, as it was recommended to me by several people. There was a really good quote in the second to last episode where Sally Field's character says, "Sometimes being a good parent is knowing when not to parent. You have to get out of the way and let life happen to your kids."

That really resonated with me. I don't want to live Logan's life on pins & needles. Some of you might remember the article that I summarized in my "For Moms Who Are Going To Have Boys post." Obviously this scar that Logan will have after his surgery won't be the only scar he has in life! So it's a good time to start on the road that I've always wanted as a parent--to not get in the way of life happening the way it's supposed to for my kids.

When things like this happen in life, it's very easy to get caught up in the "loss of control" feeling and start channeling that energy in a negative way--i.e. becoming overprotective, anxious, fear-driven, controlling, etc. But in the end there is still no way to control everything--and instead you're just left with stress. I definitely don't want to create a world like that for Logan.

We also often want to look at these things logically--but that's impossible because this situation isn't logical. There isn't an answer to explain why random things happen. So it's very easy to get angry (why did Logan get the raw end of the deal by getting this cleft on his neck when his other family members have it on their ear--the only other place you can get it but don't need surgery?). There's another quote in the same episode of Brothers & Sisters by the uncle when he said, "We can't make decisions that are God's to make." Having this cleft was part of the blueprint God made for Logan's life, and so maybe there is a reason behind it, but it will do me no good to try and figure it out right now.

Coincidentally, both quotes were being told to a father who was facing possible surgery on his newborn twins. Earlier Sally Field's character had also said something to him about parenthood being fully of worry.

I thought about my birthday when I cut my foot on the glass (the blog about it is here) and first felt what I'm feeling now--being desperate to protect my little guy from pain and anything negative. . .but realizing I can't ever fully do so. . .and that's okay. He will be a better person in this world if he sees that he is strong enough to overcome obstacles.

The other night I took a bath (it's weird to take them now without Logan in my tummy--that was always when I spent my "one on one" time with him while I was pregnant, if that makes any sense. Since up until he was born I'd never been in this house pregnant, I notice all of these firsts). I was listening to my Plumb CD--the one I mentioned in that same birthday post--and it was so obvious to me that the glass situation happened to prepare me for what I'm going through now. Needless to say, I could relate to those songs even more so now.

As my brother's girlfriend said in a recent e-mail (she is wise beyond her twenty-one years): "Know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday."

Isn't that the truth? When I was in the first trimester of my pregnancy I was worried I could have a miscarriage (since my mom had four). I expected to be so relieved when I got into the second trimester because I'd no longer be in the "red zone." Instead, that's when my cousin lost her baby. I told myself that the third trimester is when I could relax, as then babies usually survive. Except. . .what if there is a complication during childbirth--what if I go through the entire pregnancy and then lose my baby at the very end?!

Once Logan was born and breathing on his own, I thought my worries were over. Everything had gone okay and he was healthy!

Until we learned that he was just nine points away from brain damage on the jaundice scale (you can read about his experience here and here.). I thought about how my stepsister had a baby nearly three years ago who appeared healthy--until he was a week or two old. Since then he has had an unknown illness, has been through surgeries all over the U.S. but is still only able to be fed through an IV. What if my baby was born healthy and THEN ended up having some type of debilitating disease?

Once we got through Logan's jaundice, I was relieved that he was content, bright, and showing all positive signs toward living a "normal" life.

Then the cleft was discovered. I thought back to when I was ten years old and was with my mom at someone's house and overheard them pointing to a picture of a little girl. The other woman explained that the girl had been "normal" until the age of two and then in one instant it all changed--she had a seizure and now was handicapped.

It was then when I finally realized that it will never end--for as long as Logan is on this planet, his next day is unknown. ALL of us are vulnerable to our bodies failing tomorrow. The only thing I can control is my attitude toward our particular situation: to have peace with it and let life take its course, reminding myself of all of the good rather than focusing on the bad.

For example, yes I had a rough pregnancy--but I didn't have any fertility problems or miscarriages. Yes, I had to push for 4 exhausting hours because Logan was face-up--but I had the fastest labor possible (only had to feel contractions for 3 hrs & became dilated within that same time) and the whole thing was fairly painfree despite it being natural. Yes, I had some issues with breastfeeding--but I'm still doing it. Yes, Logan had jaundice--but I had a quicker than average (3 days) recovery and my body bounced back easily. Yes, Logan will need surgery--but he's had no colic like a lot of babies; in fact, he's been easy & happy, I've had less stress than when I worked outside the home (I'd heard being a stay at home mom would be more stressful) and not a second of post partum depression. Best of all, he's is in tip-top shape.

It goes back to what I said at the beginning--we live in an imperfect world where nobody gets out unaffected. For every easy road we have, there's a harder one we also have to travel. I've known this for years--whenever I used to get jealous of someone, they'd have something in their life happen that I wouldn't want. So it made it impossible to envy anyone because to me that means you have to take the whole package. . .so I might as well just take my stuff.

Yes, Logan's surgery is going to be rough to deal with, but I have a lot to be thankful for, so I'm not going to let it put a damper anymore on the wonderful mood that I'm in every moment that I'm with him. I can stay in these moments and be appreciative that this situation helps me bond even more with him. I grew 100 times closer to him during his jaundice experience--honestly, I don't know if I would have connected so easily to him if I'd just had a typical first week at home. The first three days before we learned he had to go to the hospital I was kind of just going through the motions. This brachial cleft thing has been strengthening our relationship even more. I will never be able to say that this time in our life was a blur or that I didn't enjoy his first ten weeks. There's nothing that I've wanted to do with him that I haven't yet. Despite this experience, I am still loving every second of motherhood.

A few days ago Logan was sleeping peacefully and tears came to my eyes, as the only emotion I felt was how lucky I am to have him as my child. Even if we're faced with something else in the future, as there are a million worse things that could easily happen, he is so special. . .a little angel here on earth. I am so grateful for getting the chance to know this soul and to walk through life with him.

I saw a mother and her three-year-old son at the grocery store the other day and they were walking hand-in-hand and it was such a precious sight. I thought about how some day Logan will be able to walk side-by-side with me at the supermarket, how I can take him to the pool, the park, we can color. . .all of the things I used to love to do as a child I get to do again. :-) (I loved when my brother was three, as well as a Bible school class I helped teach a couple of summers in high school.) By that time, this little brachial cleft will hopefully seem like a little deal that happened a long time ago.

Wait--maybe I don't want to get "this show on the road," because that means I'd wish this next month away. . .

Something else pretty cool lately is that in the mornings when Logan first sees me, he looks & smiles at me like I can do no wrong. I've never had anyone look at me like that before in my life, haha! I know that some day it will change (I assume that happens around age 12 or 13) but it reminded me of how Dr. Phil always says kids should not fear their parents, but instead look at them like they make the sun come up in the morning. I hope that continues because it was the best feeling in the world to feel like I was this little guy's number one.

It's also made Joe feel good that Logan has started recognizing and smiling at him, too. Until recently Joe would joke, "He doesn't like me," because Logan's face didn't brighten the same way as when Logan would look at me--but now it does. Especially in the mornings, it's like Logan is happy to see us after a night's sleep. :-)

The other night I had to laugh: I was getting ready to go to sleep and I heard Logan do a fake cry, but I went into his room anyway. He stopped immediately and gave me a huge grin! It was so obvious he didn't need anything, he just wanted to see me--but I didn't care--I was happy to see him, too. :-) So I played with him a little bit (he loves it when he kicks my hands with his feet) and then turned on his mobile and he went to sleep. (He's using his feet more normally now. When he was born he had a lot of dexterity in them--he actually clapsed them together like hands the day he was born, haha! We're not sure whose feet he has but he's got monster big toes with a big space between them and the rest.)

The PA at our pediatrician's office said that we can start training him to sleep 8 hrs straight through the night now, by letting Logan cry it out. But I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I'd love to sleep 8 hrs straight through again! On the other, it would still be a while before I could actually do that since not coming to Logan's room will make him scream for a lot longer than getting up for ten minutes to nurse him (he always falls asleep immediately afterwards). Also, what if something is wrong? My aunt did that once with her firstborn and then said "never again" after she went in the next morning and her son had thrown up all over himself (babies have been known to choke and die that way). Finally, these days he doesn't usually scream anymore like I used to describe to you in the beginning. He will if whatever the situation is continues--but now when he cries it's a very cute cry that's apparent he just wants to alert me. Then, as I said before, he's so happy when I come to him. I somehow think that if he was expecting me and I didn't come it would start causing security issues. (Plus, the type of screaming he does borders on unhealthy.) (Update: I went on to research this and decided my gut instinct was right. I discussed this more in my next post.)

We were told both in our childbirth class and by the staff at the hospital that you can't spoil a baby under six months old, so I don't think now is the time to make him "toughen up" and be on his own for 8 hrs. He's sleeping 5 hrs straight through every night, which means we only get up twice each night. This is actually better than the average. From everything I've read, most babies this age wake up three times a night and many experts say it is too early to expect them to sleep through the night until four months old.

There is a book a lot of people have recommended to me called On Becoming Baby Wise that is supposed to help with the sleep and feeding schedule (throughout the day his naps are always at different times--so his feedings are anywhere from 2 to 5 hrs a part), but I don't plan to get it just yet since I'm okay with the way things are right now.

Considering two months ago I was up every one to two hours, I don't mind every five. We're moving in the right direction for him to start sleeping 8 hrs on his own soon, so hopefully it will happen naturally. Obviously if it hasn't by six months then I'll probably change my tune, haha!

On a "bummer note," my milk supply hasn't kept up with Logan lately (he obviously wants to stay in the 90th percentile) so I've started taking fenugreek (cheaper than More Milk Plus but with the same milk-producing herb) and am pumping regularly again. I feel like we've had a relapse back to where we were three weeks ago :( (To read about my breastfeeding rollercoaster, you can click here.) On the bright side, pumping and fenugreek every day seems to be working already--Logan went the longest he had between feedings: 7 hrs, which meant I pumped 11 oz--the most ever in one sitting. Our freezer is getting full! I'm glad it saves up to 6 months. So, hopefully I'll be able to return to nursing exclusively next week.

Also, Logan's starting to fight his naps during the day. Until this last week he loved sleeping and did so through ANY noise (I was always amazed the dogs barking never woke him up, but I assume he heard them when I was pregnant)--even during the loudest band ever at the wedding we went to on June 7th. But now that he's more interested in the world around him, he's taking more cat naps (waking up if I so much as cough). This has caused him to have a fussy time every now and then for the first time, however he settles down quickly & easily.

Right now I admit I'm a sucker when he cries. He sticks his lower lip out!!!! And, he isn't taking his pacifier as much lately--I noticed it started once he began breastfeeding more often. Normally I'd think this was a good thing, except that instead he's been sucking on his hand. It's really loud and aggressive (I don't want him to hurt himself) so I keep trying to put the pacey back in his mouth but he acts disgusted half the time now.

One of the other things the PA asked at our last pediatrician's appt. was whether Logan had at least one dirty diaper a day. Joe and I both looked at each other like she was crazy and were like, "Um ye-ah!" He still had 6-8 (more on the 8 side)! But just this past Thursday to Friday we noticed that he only had ONE. We were getting all freaked out that he was constipated and then read on the internet (because I'm behind on my What to Expect book) that after two months old babies generally only have one poopy diaper a day. It really happened overnight at exactly two-and-a-half months for him. The last three days he's had 3-4 each day, so it might go up and down for a while, but at least we don't have to worry about him being constipated unless he goes 7 days without one. Clearly his digestive system is working well!

Since I last posted on Tuesday, besides the builder guy coming out on Wednesday, I ate lunch with Lisa P and her cute little girl Lexi on Thursday, and then this past weekend was the very first weekend since Logan was born that Joe & I didn't have plans--company or going out of town. Originally we had a wedding in Iowa but we both decided due to our emotional week not to attend. Also, Joe had to work late on Friday and on Sat. morning. When he came home Fri I was doing my post natal yoga DVD for the first time (that my mother-in-law got me for Christmas). It is a harder workout than exercising by yourself--but it is so much fun because it actually focuses more on playing with your baby. I'm going to try to make it a routine because Logan seemed to enjoy it and that will give us a special time together. The best part was when I told Joe I was going to take a shower. I'd only gotten about half way through the DVD (because the entire workout is 50 min) and when I came downstairs Joe was doing the yoga with Logan!!!!! It was very cute :-)

On Sat. we went to Babies R Us to attempt to get the rest of the things on our registry. The reason why I say "attempt" is because their policy is to give 10% off all items left after the baby is born. . .but when we went in right after his birth they said we needed to call a number to get the actual coupon. So we did. Twice. And still no coupon. So on Saturday we told them that Logan is 10 weeks old, what's the deal? They called the number for me and insisted I'll be getting the coupon within 72 hrs and can bring it in with my receipt and they'll give me the 10% off. So Joe and I bought a few of the items (there's still some left)--including Baby Einstein's Neptune Ocean gym! :-) Logan LOVES it! We thought it'd be a good idea since he's so in love with his mobile; now this gives him a lot of things to look at AND touch, plus there's fun music. Sure enough, he smiles and makes a lot of noise (he's starting to "talk" more lately). The mirror is actually his favorite to look at, he seems fascinated--like he actually has a sense that it's him. He seems very stimulated by all of the colors--it's really fun to see him have fun already and show signs of intelligence!On Sunday I went to the store. . .I need to get Joe a birthday gift--he turns TWENTY-NINE (that's almost thirty!!!!) on Thursday (July 3rd).

That's it for this update, except if I'm to mention that I have my first pimple since my first trimester :p See, I didn't have it all bad while I was pregnant. My face broke out a lot at first but then I had better skin than I've ever had. Now I have a huge painful zit on my chin. :-( Also, my wrist hurts. It started hurting sometime during my last two weeks of pregnancy, and here it is ten weeks after Logan's birth and it still hurts. I guess I'll have to go to the doctor if it doesn't get better soon. (Update: I later learned I have de Quervain's disease/de Quervain's Tenosynovitis. You can read my posts about it here and here.)

On the subject of pregnancy things not going away--I still have "the line." It's faded a lot but I can still see it (I wrote about it on my blog post titled What's That Line?) So I looked up online and read that they can last as long as nine months! (Update: Mine lasted to six months post partum.) BTW, while I didn't get any stretch marks on my stomach, I did on my thighs. I guess I should have put cocoa butter on my legs, too, because my stomach doesn't look any different from before I was pregnant but my thighs have red lines now. :-( I swear they weren't even there until the day I gave birth. Oh well, SIGH, like I said on that blog--they're my tattoo for Logan :p

Meanwhile, Logan has the best skin ever. It's so soft and smoothe, no baby acne or the other things that they often get. He does have an "angel kiss," however. I had one, too. They last about a year--that's the red blotchy mark on the forehead. They occur in 40% of newborns, caused by dilating capillaries from when they were developing blood vessels in the womb.

Hope everyone has a happy fourth of July!