When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade

This was originally written on Monday, June 30, 2008:

Our appointment with the plastic surgeon tomorrow has been rescheduled to Thursday, due to the doctor being in another surgery all day. I am ready to just get this show on the road. Lately I'll start to forget about Logan's upcoming surgery and so I'll feel happy--but then I'll remember and it puts a damper on my mood.

I am beginning to see that something good can come out of this, though. Last week I was getting depressed and then our builder came over. (They'll fix anything in our house for free within a couple of years. Nothing has broken, we just have a couple of doors that won't shut due to the house settling.)

I had just finished feeding Logan and so he was sitting on my lap (as he can do by himself now that he can hold his head up--as long as something is supporting his back! (So he LOVES his bumbo chair.) Logan was looking around and smiling and seemed more like a little man than a two-month-old baby, haha. The builder was going over the warranty info with us but kept stopping to comment about how cute Logan was. He said he & his wife thought their children were cute until now when they look at their baby pictures, they've realized not all babies are cute (ahh)! (His kids are in their teens now. He said that people always say the "terrible twos" are bad but they're nothing compared to the teen years. He said he'd love to go back to the toddler age.)

Anyway, five different times the guy said, "Look how healthy he is! Wow, what a healthy baby. His color is so good. He's so alert. He's so strong."

After he left, Joe asked me if I'd noticed how frequently the guy had mentioned how healthy Logan is. During those times I'd silently said to myself "but he's going to need surgery!" It was then when I realized I was starting to subconsciously think of Logan as a sickly child and that's clearly not the case. Joe held up our dark, chubby little guy and said, "Does this look like a sick baby to you?"

It totally made me snap out of the pity party, which I'm very glad!!!! I wasn't looking at life realistically. Without meaning to or even being aware of what I was doing, it was like I was expecting Logan to be perfect. But--duh--from the minute we are born we start imperfect lives. Since Logan is a part of this world, it was just a matter of time before he was going to have "something" wrong. Joe pointed out that all kids deal with a setback. If it wasn't now, it'd be something in the future. Sure, I'd prefer Logan not to have been faced with this so soon in his life, but having this brachial cleft doesn't make him less than he would have been without it. He's still healthy. In fact, it has nothing to do with his health--it's a genetic trait that was passed on, just like the cowlicks in his hair. And, better than a lot of genetic traits, once it's gone, it's gone. He should have no complications or even a sign that he had this (aside from a small scar).

I've been watching season one of the TV show Brothers & Sisters, as it was recommended to me by several people. There was a really good quote in the second to last episode where Sally Field's character says, "Sometimes being a good parent is knowing when not to parent. You have to get out of the way and let life happen to your kids."

That really resonated with me. I don't want to live Logan's life on pins & needles. Some of you might remember the article that I summarized in my "For Moms Who Are Going To Have Boys post." Obviously this scar that Logan will have after his surgery won't be the only scar he has in life! So it's a good time to start on the road that I've always wanted as a parent--to not get in the way of life happening the way it's supposed to for my kids.

When things like this happen in life, it's very easy to get caught up in the "loss of control" feeling and start channeling that energy in a negative way--i.e. becoming overprotective, anxious, fear-driven, controlling, etc. But in the end there is still no way to control everything--and instead you're just left with stress. I definitely don't want to create a world like that for Logan.

We also often want to look at these things logically--but that's impossible because this situation isn't logical. There isn't an answer to explain why random things happen. So it's very easy to get angry (why did Logan get the raw end of the deal by getting this cleft on his neck when his other family members have it on their ear--the only other place you can get it but don't need surgery?). There's another quote in the same episode of Brothers & Sisters by the uncle when he said, "We can't make decisions that are God's to make." Having this cleft was part of the blueprint God made for Logan's life, and so maybe there is a reason behind it, but it will do me no good to try and figure it out right now.

Coincidentally, both quotes were being told to a father who was facing possible surgery on his newborn twins. Earlier Sally Field's character had also said something to him about parenthood being fully of worry.

I thought about my birthday when I cut my foot on the glass (the blog about it is here) and first felt what I'm feeling now--being desperate to protect my little guy from pain and anything negative. . .but realizing I can't ever fully do so. . .and that's okay. He will be a better person in this world if he sees that he is strong enough to overcome obstacles.

The other night I took a bath (it's weird to take them now without Logan in my tummy--that was always when I spent my "one on one" time with him while I was pregnant, if that makes any sense. Since up until he was born I'd never been in this house pregnant, I notice all of these firsts). I was listening to my Plumb CD--the one I mentioned in that same birthday post--and it was so obvious to me that the glass situation happened to prepare me for what I'm going through now. Needless to say, I could relate to those songs even more so now.

As my brother's girlfriend said in a recent e-mail (she is wise beyond her twenty-one years): "Know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday."

Isn't that the truth? When I was in the first trimester of my pregnancy I was worried I could have a miscarriage (since my mom had four). I expected to be so relieved when I got into the second trimester because I'd no longer be in the "red zone." Instead, that's when my cousin lost her baby. I told myself that the third trimester is when I could relax, as then babies usually survive. Except. . .what if there is a complication during childbirth--what if I go through the entire pregnancy and then lose my baby at the very end?!

Once Logan was born and breathing on his own, I thought my worries were over. Everything had gone okay and he was healthy!

Until we learned that he was just nine points away from brain damage on the jaundice scale (you can read about his experience here and here.). I thought about how my stepsister had a baby nearly three years ago who appeared healthy--until he was a week or two old. Since then he has had an unknown illness, has been through surgeries all over the U.S. but is still only able to be fed through an IV. What if my baby was born healthy and THEN ended up having some type of debilitating disease?

Once we got through Logan's jaundice, I was relieved that he was content, bright, and showing all positive signs toward living a "normal" life.

Then the cleft was discovered. I thought back to when I was ten years old and was with my mom at someone's house and overheard them pointing to a picture of a little girl. The other woman explained that the girl had been "normal" until the age of two and then in one instant it all changed--she had a seizure and now was handicapped.

It was then when I finally realized that it will never end--for as long as Logan is on this planet, his next day is unknown. ALL of us are vulnerable to our bodies failing tomorrow. The only thing I can control is my attitude toward our particular situation: to have peace with it and let life take its course, reminding myself of all of the good rather than focusing on the bad.

For example, yes I had a rough pregnancy--but I didn't have any fertility problems or miscarriages. Yes, I had to push for 4 exhausting hours because Logan was face-up--but I had the fastest labor possible (only had to feel contractions for 3 hrs & became dilated within that same time) and the whole thing was fairly painfree despite it being natural. Yes, I had some issues with breastfeeding--but I'm still doing it. Yes, Logan had jaundice--but I had a quicker than average (3 days) recovery and my body bounced back easily. Yes, Logan will need surgery--but he's had no colic like a lot of babies; in fact, he's been easy & happy, I've had less stress than when I worked outside the home (I'd heard being a stay at home mom would be more stressful) and not a second of post partum depression. Best of all, he's is in tip-top shape.

It goes back to what I said at the beginning--we live in an imperfect world where nobody gets out unaffected. For every easy road we have, there's a harder one we also have to travel. I've known this for years--whenever I used to get jealous of someone, they'd have something in their life happen that I wouldn't want. So it made it impossible to envy anyone because to me that means you have to take the whole package. . .so I might as well just take my stuff.

Yes, Logan's surgery is going to be rough to deal with, but I have a lot to be thankful for, so I'm not going to let it put a damper anymore on the wonderful mood that I'm in every moment that I'm with him. I can stay in these moments and be appreciative that this situation helps me bond even more with him. I grew 100 times closer to him during his jaundice experience--honestly, I don't know if I would have connected so easily to him if I'd just had a typical first week at home. The first three days before we learned he had to go to the hospital I was kind of just going through the motions. This brachial cleft thing has been strengthening our relationship even more. I will never be able to say that this time in our life was a blur or that I didn't enjoy his first ten weeks. There's nothing that I've wanted to do with him that I haven't yet. Despite this experience, I am still loving every second of motherhood.

A few days ago Logan was sleeping peacefully and tears came to my eyes, as the only emotion I felt was how lucky I am to have him as my child. Even if we're faced with something else in the future, as there are a million worse things that could easily happen, he is so special. . .a little angel here on earth. I am so grateful for getting the chance to know this soul and to walk through life with him.

I saw a mother and her three-year-old son at the grocery store the other day and they were walking hand-in-hand and it was such a precious sight. I thought about how some day Logan will be able to walk side-by-side with me at the supermarket, how I can take him to the pool, the park, we can color. . .all of the things I used to love to do as a child I get to do again. :-) (I loved when my brother was three, as well as a Bible school class I helped teach a couple of summers in high school.) By that time, this little brachial cleft will hopefully seem like a little deal that happened a long time ago.

Wait--maybe I don't want to get "this show on the road," because that means I'd wish this next month away. . .

Something else pretty cool lately is that in the mornings when Logan first sees me, he looks & smiles at me like I can do no wrong. I've never had anyone look at me like that before in my life, haha! I know that some day it will change (I assume that happens around age 12 or 13) but it reminded me of how Dr. Phil always says kids should not fear their parents, but instead look at them like they make the sun come up in the morning. I hope that continues because it was the best feeling in the world to feel like I was this little guy's number one.

It's also made Joe feel good that Logan has started recognizing and smiling at him, too. Until recently Joe would joke, "He doesn't like me," because Logan's face didn't brighten the same way as when Logan would look at me--but now it does. Especially in the mornings, it's like Logan is happy to see us after a night's sleep. :-)

The other night I had to laugh: I was getting ready to go to sleep and I heard Logan do a fake cry, but I went into his room anyway. He stopped immediately and gave me a huge grin! It was so obvious he didn't need anything, he just wanted to see me--but I didn't care--I was happy to see him, too. :-) So I played with him a little bit (he loves it when he kicks my hands with his feet) and then turned on his mobile and he went to sleep. (He's using his feet more normally now. When he was born he had a lot of dexterity in them--he actually clapsed them together like hands the day he was born, haha! We're not sure whose feet he has but he's got monster big toes with a big space between them and the rest.)

The PA at our pediatrician's office said that we can start training him to sleep 8 hrs straight through the night now, by letting Logan cry it out. But I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I'd love to sleep 8 hrs straight through again! On the other, it would still be a while before I could actually do that since not coming to Logan's room will make him scream for a lot longer than getting up for ten minutes to nurse him (he always falls asleep immediately afterwards). Also, what if something is wrong? My aunt did that once with her firstborn and then said "never again" after she went in the next morning and her son had thrown up all over himself (babies have been known to choke and die that way). Finally, these days he doesn't usually scream anymore like I used to describe to you in the beginning. He will if whatever the situation is continues--but now when he cries it's a very cute cry that's apparent he just wants to alert me. Then, as I said before, he's so happy when I come to him. I somehow think that if he was expecting me and I didn't come it would start causing security issues. (Plus, the type of screaming he does borders on unhealthy.) (Update: I went on to research this and decided my gut instinct was right. I discussed this more in my next post.)

We were told both in our childbirth class and by the staff at the hospital that you can't spoil a baby under six months old, so I don't think now is the time to make him "toughen up" and be on his own for 8 hrs. He's sleeping 5 hrs straight through every night, which means we only get up twice each night. This is actually better than the average. From everything I've read, most babies this age wake up three times a night and many experts say it is too early to expect them to sleep through the night until four months old.

There is a book a lot of people have recommended to me called On Becoming Baby Wise that is supposed to help with the sleep and feeding schedule (throughout the day his naps are always at different times--so his feedings are anywhere from 2 to 5 hrs a part), but I don't plan to get it just yet since I'm okay with the way things are right now.

Considering two months ago I was up every one to two hours, I don't mind every five. We're moving in the right direction for him to start sleeping 8 hrs on his own soon, so hopefully it will happen naturally. Obviously if it hasn't by six months then I'll probably change my tune, haha!

On a "bummer note," my milk supply hasn't kept up with Logan lately (he obviously wants to stay in the 90th percentile) so I've started taking fenugreek (cheaper than More Milk Plus but with the same milk-producing herb) and am pumping regularly again. I feel like we've had a relapse back to where we were three weeks ago :( (To read about my breastfeeding rollercoaster, you can click here.) On the bright side, pumping and fenugreek every day seems to be working already--Logan went the longest he had between feedings: 7 hrs, which meant I pumped 11 oz--the most ever in one sitting. Our freezer is getting full! I'm glad it saves up to 6 months. So, hopefully I'll be able to return to nursing exclusively next week.

Also, Logan's starting to fight his naps during the day. Until this last week he loved sleeping and did so through ANY noise (I was always amazed the dogs barking never woke him up, but I assume he heard them when I was pregnant)--even during the loudest band ever at the wedding we went to on June 7th. But now that he's more interested in the world around him, he's taking more cat naps (waking up if I so much as cough). This has caused him to have a fussy time every now and then for the first time, however he settles down quickly & easily.

Right now I admit I'm a sucker when he cries. He sticks his lower lip out!!!! And, he isn't taking his pacifier as much lately--I noticed it started once he began breastfeeding more often. Normally I'd think this was a good thing, except that instead he's been sucking on his hand. It's really loud and aggressive (I don't want him to hurt himself) so I keep trying to put the pacey back in his mouth but he acts disgusted half the time now.

One of the other things the PA asked at our last pediatrician's appt. was whether Logan had at least one dirty diaper a day. Joe and I both looked at each other like she was crazy and were like, "Um ye-ah!" He still had 6-8 (more on the 8 side)! But just this past Thursday to Friday we noticed that he only had ONE. We were getting all freaked out that he was constipated and then read on the internet (because I'm behind on my What to Expect book) that after two months old babies generally only have one poopy diaper a day. It really happened overnight at exactly two-and-a-half months for him. The last three days he's had 3-4 each day, so it might go up and down for a while, but at least we don't have to worry about him being constipated unless he goes 7 days without one. Clearly his digestive system is working well!

Since I last posted on Tuesday, besides the builder guy coming out on Wednesday, I ate lunch with Lisa P and her cute little girl Lexi on Thursday, and then this past weekend was the very first weekend since Logan was born that Joe & I didn't have plans--company or going out of town. Originally we had a wedding in Iowa but we both decided due to our emotional week not to attend. Also, Joe had to work late on Friday and on Sat. morning. When he came home Fri I was doing my post natal yoga DVD for the first time (that my mother-in-law got me for Christmas). It is a harder workout than exercising by yourself--but it is so much fun because it actually focuses more on playing with your baby. I'm going to try to make it a routine because Logan seemed to enjoy it and that will give us a special time together. The best part was when I told Joe I was going to take a shower. I'd only gotten about half way through the DVD (because the entire workout is 50 min) and when I came downstairs Joe was doing the yoga with Logan!!!!! It was very cute :-)

On Sat. we went to Babies R Us to attempt to get the rest of the things on our registry. The reason why I say "attempt" is because their policy is to give 10% off all items left after the baby is born. . .but when we went in right after his birth they said we needed to call a number to get the actual coupon. So we did. Twice. And still no coupon. So on Saturday we told them that Logan is 10 weeks old, what's the deal? They called the number for me and insisted I'll be getting the coupon within 72 hrs and can bring it in with my receipt and they'll give me the 10% off. So Joe and I bought a few of the items (there's still some left)--including Baby Einstein's Neptune Ocean gym! :-) Logan LOVES it! We thought it'd be a good idea since he's so in love with his mobile; now this gives him a lot of things to look at AND touch, plus there's fun music. Sure enough, he smiles and makes a lot of noise (he's starting to "talk" more lately). The mirror is actually his favorite to look at, he seems fascinated--like he actually has a sense that it's him. He seems very stimulated by all of the colors--it's really fun to see him have fun already and show signs of intelligence!On Sunday I went to the store. . .I need to get Joe a birthday gift--he turns TWENTY-NINE (that's almost thirty!!!!) on Thursday (July 3rd).

That's it for this update, except if I'm to mention that I have my first pimple since my first trimester :p See, I didn't have it all bad while I was pregnant. My face broke out a lot at first but then I had better skin than I've ever had. Now I have a huge painful zit on my chin. :-( Also, my wrist hurts. It started hurting sometime during my last two weeks of pregnancy, and here it is ten weeks after Logan's birth and it still hurts. I guess I'll have to go to the doctor if it doesn't get better soon. (Update: I later learned I have de Quervain's disease/de Quervain's Tenosynovitis. You can read my posts about it here and here.)

On the subject of pregnancy things not going away--I still have "the line." It's faded a lot but I can still see it (I wrote about it on my blog post titled What's That Line?) So I looked up online and read that they can last as long as nine months! (Update: Mine lasted to six months post partum.) BTW, while I didn't get any stretch marks on my stomach, I did on my thighs. I guess I should have put cocoa butter on my legs, too, because my stomach doesn't look any different from before I was pregnant but my thighs have red lines now. :-( I swear they weren't even there until the day I gave birth. Oh well, SIGH, like I said on that blog--they're my tattoo for Logan :p

Meanwhile, Logan has the best skin ever. It's so soft and smoothe, no baby acne or the other things that they often get. He does have an "angel kiss," however. I had one, too. They last about a year--that's the red blotchy mark on the forehead. They occur in 40% of newborns, caused by dilating capillaries from when they were developing blood vessels in the womb.

Hope everyone has a happy fourth of July!

My Birthday In The ER

This was originally written on Monday, December 31, 2007

Happy New Year's Eve! The end of 2007!

Two days after I last wrote was my 28th birthday (Friday, December 21st). That afternoon I decided I needed some more maternity clothes; I returned home at 2:30 pm (the same hour I was born), took off my shoes, and carried each sack separately from the door to its final resting place. When I came back to our entry-way by our garage (our laundry room) for my last sack, I felt a prick to my right foot. At first I thought it was just a rock, but as I lifted up my foot, worse pain than I've ever had shot through me!

I crumbled to the ground and screamed. I ripped off my sock and blood gushed out of my foot. I started crying, mostly from fear--as the blood would not stop! It was spurting all over the vinyl floor! There were actual pools of thick, dark blood forming on the ground. I never would have thought something too small for me to have seen could have caused so much blood.

As blood continued to gush out, getting absolutely everywhere, I realized that I needed to stop the bleeding NOW or this could quickly turn serious. All I could think about was my baby! my baby! So I crawled to a roll of paper towels and pressed some to my wound. It hurt, as I could tell I was pushing whatever I'd stepped on farther into my foot. At first the bleeding still didn't stop--blood was quickly soaking through the paper towels. But finally it slowed down and ceased.

Thankfully, my purse with my cell phone happened to be nearby, so I called Joe. I choked out the words, "I stepped on something. . .there's blood all over." Joe didn't ask for more details. He said, "I'm coming home."

It was the longest twenty minutes ever. I had called him at 2:45 and he arrived at 3:05 exactly. During that time I calmed myself down. I knew stress was not good for the baby and so I forced myself to stop crying, to breathe normally, and to focus on the fact that my foot had stopped bleading--rather than the amount that I'd lost all over the floor.

Joe said later that he was shocked when he walked through the door; he hadn't expected it to look like a crime scene. I later took a picture because it was so crazy.

Joe suggested we go to the emergency room after he'd tried to get the unknown object out of my foot and it'd started bleeding again. I was also wincing like crazy, but I told myself that this pain didn't compare to the pain I'll be in four months. :p

Since I couldn't walk, Joe literally picked me up (baby and all) and put me into his car that was still running on our driveway. You might remember me saying that my doctor's office (which is across from a hospital) is just down the street from us, so fortunately it was very convenient.

Joe ran into the front entrance and came out a minute later, as we were supposed to drive to the back of the building for the ER. He ran inside and came out with a wheelchair. (Now that I've seen him in a crisis, I have no doubt he'll be a great husband during my labor/delivery!) The whole experience was surreal. I haven't had to deal with hospitals much in my life, so I felt like I was on an episode of Grey's Anatomy. :p

I was able to hobble to the wheelchair and then Joe wheeled me in. He filled out my paperwork while a man (the nurse) came out to get me. He was super nice, which helped me to relax since I knew I was in the best place I could be at that point. He took my blood pressure which had sky-rocketed from just three days earlier when I'd had my ultrasound and it'd been at a perfect level. He said that was normal under these circumstances.

He then took a look at my foot. . .and pulled out the object: a piece of glass! I was shocked, as I couldn't remember anything ever breaking in our laundry room/entry way. The theory is that either it was still there from when workers built our house over the summer, or since we take our trash out that way, when we broke a drinking glass a month or two ago a piece cut through the bag and fell to the ground.

Fortunately, the bleeding permanently stopped so that was a good sign. He then got out the doppler to check the baby's heartbeat and right away I was relieved because guess what his words were? "Wow, he's really moving around a lot!" Whew, my baby was his normal self :-)

His heartbeat was 150 which wasn't elevated, so I was glad my son didn't seem to be affected negatively by the experience. I had been praying HARD ever since it'd happened, because I was also worried about what they'd want to do at the hospital and I wanted my baby's life to be like this had never happened.

Sure enough, they wanted to do two things. A woman doctor took the man's place--I believe she was a resident because she seemed the exact same age as me--and she told me I'd need both an x-ray and a tetanus shot. I completely lost it at that point. I'd been so calm with the guy, but with her I started crying and couldn't stop myself! She looked at me like I was a complete loser, so I knew she obviously had never been pregnant.

She was like, "Why are you crying? Is it because of the pain?"
I shook my head and said, "No, I just really don't want to have those things."
She raised her eyebrows as if I was an idiot. "Uh, there's no need for you to feel that way. You're in the second trimester now so you're not as likely to have birth defects from the x-ray, and the tetanus shot is safe at all times."

But I'd read about the dangers of x-rays, and also how doctors don't always know what's best--many still push things that we find out later are bad for babies. In my heart I just didn't feel the x-ray was necessary. The nurse had gotten all of the glass out of my foot and I hadn't injured it in any other way. It didn't seem worth the risk to me.

Joe came into the room at that point which helped me to relax again, and the doctor shrugged and left. Both she and then the male nurse when he returned explained that the foot is the most likely place in the body to get infected because we use it more than any other body part and it's warm & moist when we wear socks and shoes. The tetanus shot would prevent infection to myself and the baby. So, I compromised and got the tetanus shot. The nurse gave it to me after showing my wound and the glass to the head foot doctor, and then he bandaged up my foot (no stitches, whew!). I was able to put on my sock and shoe, and practice standing and walking. It felt A LOT better now that the glass was out. I was confident I would be all right, so I thanked him and then left the hospital with Joe.

By this time it was already 4:30 pm, and although I felt like just going home to bed, I refused to have my only birthday memory be of the emergency room! So we went ahead with our plans to go out to eat to my favorite restaurant.

Joe had bought me a Dairy Queen chocolate extreme blizzard cake so we had that for dessert when we got home, and then I opened my gifts, which included a CD I'd been wanting by one of my favorite music groups (Plumb).

When I started listening to the music, I was amazed that it was exactly what I needed, as I continued to be emotional about my experience the next day, too. It seemed that every song matched perfectly what I was feeling for my baby, so I started reading the lyrics and realized that the lead singer had written the entire album right after having her first baby and while pregnant with her second! It couldn't have been a more perfect time for me to hear the music. I highly recommend this album (Blink) for any new mother!

Of course when you're pregnant emotions are magnified (as I talked about during the Omaha shooting) but this "foot deal" was also a big deal because I had my first experience with my "maternal instinct." Even after I'd left the hospital and everything was said & done, all I could think about was "did I do the right thing for my son?" Ever since I saw him on the ultrasound, it has put me on a completely different level of pregnancy. I have such a HUGE urge to protect him and love him. Who cares about me and my ailments--he's who I'm living for now! He's so innocent and I'm the only one right now who can make decisions for him. I know I'll make mistakes, but the thought of any harm coming his way makes tears immediately come to my eyes.

Before, I always worried that I was still too selfish to have a baby or that after he was born I'd rethink my decision to ever have any at all. I've always pictured myself with children, but at the same time felt awkward and uncomfortable around most babies/kids. I really only babysat one child (on just a few occasions) when I was in high school and, as I said in my "Finding Out We Were Having A Baby" blog, have never really had any around me.

But, since the ultrasound and this hospital experience three days later, I am not worried about being a good mother because I could already care less about anything in my life aside from my son. He is the most important thing and nothing else in this world seems to matter or compare anymore. My feelings for him are unlike anything I've ever experienced. . .and I've realized the answers on "how to be a mother" are already within me.

I never would have been able to imagine all of these extraordinary emotions prior to becoming pregnant, but now I understand the expression, "I wouldn't trade it for the world." It really seems like this is what life's all about and I would be missing SO MUCH without him! I haven't even held him in my arms or formally met him, and yet I feel as if my life has been completed in a way that I didn't even realize needed to be! Nothing has ever felt more right or natural than this. Being a mother to my son really is what I'm supposed to do!

It's amazing you can live twenty-eight years and think you've experienced every emotion, but then realize there are a ton more you didn't even know existed--but are wonderful! It used to be that the "bad things" about parenting would freak me out or make me want to run the other way, but now nothing I see or hear really seems so bad. At the end of the day, I'm going to have this person in my life for the rest of my life (hopefully)--what's better than that?

On my 28th birthday I also became aware for the first time of how many things there are going to be in the future that are going to be spontaneous choices for me to make regarding my son. It's so much different when something like this happens to just you, opposed to when you are pregnant and someone else's life is in your hands. Maybe that was the point to this "freak incident." Here I go my entire life never having to go to the hospital for an injury--until I'm pregnant! But for myself, I'm more likely to just do whatever the doctor says and not really worry. With my son, I have to look at all sides and weigh all of my options.

For example, I had my mom's voice in my head telling me that shots are bad (I explain in my next post), while the doctors were telling me "if you want to protect your baby, you must get this shot."

Since I didn't really have time to research tetanus shots during the time I was at the hospital, I could only pray and go with my gut instinct, which was to say "no" to the x-ray, but go ahead with the shot. Joe feels I made the right decision, as he later researched this subject on the internet and read that 14% of all babies who die each year, die from tetanus. There is nothing doctors can really do if a fetus is infected; at that time it is too late.

Also, if a pregnant woman receives a shot, her baby is protected for the next five years--which means my son won't have to get one as an infant. That sounds a lot more reassuring because at that time the shot would be going directly to him rather than through me.

Joe's research also confirmed what the doctors said as far as the foot being the most likely injury to result in tetanus, and that this vaccine is not like others in that it should be avoided during pregnancy. There haven't been any reports of damage by getting it--but there have been by not having it.

I chose not to get the flu shot (which most pregnant women get), because I've never had a bad case of the flu and the only person I'm usually around is Joe, so at least I'll only have one shot during this pregnancy rather than two. Once again I used my instinct to not get the flu shot during this particular pregnancy, and so I felt that decision was okay--just as the one I made to get the tetanus shot. All mothers have to do what their heart tells them--not anyone else, whether it be doctors, family, friends, etc.

Since then, I haven't worried about my wound getting infected--and now, over a week later, I can hardly tell there was ever glass in my foot at all. The puncture is so small, it's healed very well. I am also glad I went to the hospital because I know that I did absolutely everything I could. I would have beaten myself up if I had just allowed Joe to get the glass out of my foot and then cleaned up the blood but had an infection later on. (By the way, thankfully all of the blood cleaned up easily. Good thing I was on the vinyl and not carpet!)

I don't think it's a coincidence that this happened just a couple of weeks after the Omaha shooting. It's in the same "category" (traumatic situations we can't control) so I think there's a lesson that I'm supposed to learn. I realize that in my life, until now, I've shied away from topics that scared me and/or aren't black and white. Rather than form an opinion I've trusted that others knew more than me and so I let them direct my path.

That behavior ended on my birthday.

I owe it to my son to start facing my fears, trusting myself, and being confident in my choices. That means taking more time to educate myself on issues that affect my son and me, even if my findings turn out in disagreement from my doctor or family or friends.

I believe it will benefit my son--teaching him to be healthy and trust himself, rather than be a robot in our society. It will also cut down on worrying from me, because how can I worry when I'm at peace with not controlling life or what happens to us? The only thing I can control is how I handle uncomfortable situations. Whether I become overwhelmed and anxiety-ridden (which, with parenting that usually leads to being overprotective) or whether I let go of fear, and trust that I can handle and get through life's obstacles and make good decisions (which I have proof I have done in my past, so I need to be confident in my history). Then I can't have regrets--even if I make the wrong choice, I'll know I did what was right at the time.

It's a lesson I'm glad to learn, as I see how it could have already benefited me in my past with things before I was ever pregnant! But now is a good time because whatever negative things happen in the future with my son, I can stay grounded and will not "lose it."

It's time to start taking control of things like my labor and figure out where I stand on controversial subjects like vaccines, etc. Because even though it's scary to think about, bad things are going to happen to those who I love, and I'm also going to have to make more spontaneous decisions that could affect myself and/or son. I can't avoid that, but if I know where my head is, then I can at least be relaxed and at peace--which is the best I can hope for.

Baby's First Kick

This was originally written on Friday, December 14, 2007

Today was a very monumental day! :-) At nineteen weeks I finally felt my boy or girl! It was such a connection--like we truly met for the first time. It was the first positive physical feeling I've had with pregnancy--and it made up for all of the negative. How could anything in life be more special?

A few days ago I was getting kind of worried because my doctor and all of my reading material had said that pregnant women feel the first kicks around 18 weeks. As much as I had tried, I could not feel anything last week. Every day I concentrated, but the closest I came was a few days ago I thought I might, possibly, could have, maybe felt a tiny flutter, haha. But this morning I definitely did!

I was awakened by my dogs barking as if someone was at our door. I wasn't ready to actually get up, so I continued to lay on my stomach. That's when I felt what was similar to a gas bubble--except that it was pleasant and gentle/fragile and seemed to have nothing to do with my stomach. I opened my eyes--but didn't move--and I felt it again. . .and again. . .and again! I turned on my side and after a few moments I felt it again! I stood up to call Joe and felt it then, too!

Once I started talking, I wasn't aware of it anymore and haven't felt it the rest of today--but that may be why I hadn't experienced it up until now anyway; I'm constantly moving around these days (trying to make up for my "lost" last few months), and since it's still at the subtle-stage I have to be still, quiet, and concentrating to feel anything.

The baby sure seemed active, though--just like at my last doctor's appt. when she had to chase it around my belly. In that case it might be a morning baby which is the opposite of me!

My stomach is growing at a very fast pace now. I've gained a total of 12 lbs. while pregnant.

As you know if you read my previous blog, I was still feeling irrational a week after the Omaha shooting. Every time I thought about going out in public I'd have an anxiety attack. But then I heard about a six-month pregnant woman who recently ran away because she was feeling crazy, and told everyone she'd been kidnapped. Yes, I know I have a long way to go before I'm to that point, but I told myself I must work through those feelings before they took over my brain, too. :p

It wasn't easy but I left my house last Wednesday afternoon, not realizing at first that it was 12:30--the same time I'd left my house for shopping exactly a week before. This time I drove straight to Westroads mall, but I was a total wreck inside. It was like I was aware of every bad thing that could possibly happen. A car accident. An explosion (when I stopped for gas). And then, of course, when I arrived to the mall: a copycat shooting.

A guy I knew in college who is now a detective told me that Westroads is probably the safest place in Omaha right now, because they'd have more security than ever. Sure enough, I immediately saw a security vehicle. Out of habit, I parked in the same parking lot I always have--right outside Von Maur. I had to force myself not to start sobbing when I saw the scene from TV in person--there were flowers, cards, and gifts all over the steps outside the door.

After parking my car, I took some deep breaths and then went inside the JCPenney entrance (Von Maur is still closed). But once again, I felt like sobbing. Just being in a department store for the first time since the incident, after imagining what it had been like for the victims. . .

At first I could hardly concentrate. It was fairly busy, and everyone working there seemed happy, as did the shoppers. I told myself that if they could put it behind them, so could I. But I was still nervous.

I began to walk through the main part of the mall, passing Von Maur where they had a wall blocking off the entrance--with tons and tons of cards. I saw some people reading them, but knew I couldn't handle that right now. So, I continued to The Afternoon (my fav store). After browsing their items, I selected a Christmas gift for my mom. This allowed me to relax a little because I'd been able to do something worthwhile. I then went to another store and found three more gifts for family members. This helped me even more because it usually takes a lot more shopping for me to be that productive!

I continued walking around the mall, but I became exhausted very quickly. I think my emotional energy completely drained me. I could barely carry my sacks (I realized that I need to lift weights if I'm going to be able to carry my baby), so I sat down on a bench. It happened to be right in front of Auntie Anne's Pretzels: my favorite mall eatery, a place I haven't eaten at in at least a year--if not more.

I bought a soft sour cream & onion pretzel and thoroughly enjoyed that and a cup of water. I happened to look at the clock on my cell phone and noticed it was 1:40--the exact time of the shooting last week. Once it passed, I felt a calm come over me. I had gone to the scene of the crime exactly one week to the minute--and everything was peaceful. I had seen several security guards while I was walking around the mall and felt more safe than when I had arrived. So I went to Younkers and bought another gift!

But, I was still tired, so even though it was only 2:15 (meaning I'd only been there an hour-and-twenty minutes) I decided to head home. I actually had to rest in my car before pulling out of the parking lot because I felt like I could have just fallen asleep right there!

On my way home I stopped at Blockbuster and rented three Christmas movies which sealed the deal--I was back to normal :-) I felt great then, so I went grocery shopping at Target and didn't think once about anything bad happening. All of that fear had completely left my body & mind. I've had no trouble being in public since.

After talking with Joe I think I understand why this was such a big deal for me. For those of you who read my "Starting To Show at 16.5 Weeks" blog, I described my out-of-control feelings with being pregnant. Well, how much more out of control can a situation get? There's no way I could ever prevent or stop a shooting! I can actually understand how the missing-and-found woman went off the deep end. Pregnancy and motherhood can make a woman feel very lost. There are so many new emotions and thoughts, it's hard to always know how to handle them. But they are completely normal and important to deal with because I'm convinced they're preparation for motherhood and will help us be better mothers! I have been trying to recognize the issues that I, personally, have anxiety with (for example, feeling out of control) and talk it out, write it down, and/or read--all things that usually help me to feel better. I encourage you to take the time to figure out what brings you peace with any new, confusing feelings you may have, because you & your baby will benefit in the long run. Also don't be afraid to seek professional help.

Well, Joe's home from work early today so we're going to give our two dogs a bath now, as we are leaving tomorrow morning to celebrate our first Christmas (with my stepdad's family) this weekend!

Omaha Shooting When I was 17.5 Weeks Pregnant

This was originally written on Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Tomorrow marks a week since the terrible tragedy in Omaha, NE. Little did I know that after I last posted and then headed out for a day of Christmas shopping, I was about to have a terrifying close call.

At 12:30 pm on December 5th I finished my lunch, then drove to JCPenney and Gordmans for a discount since I'd bought some things there the day before but I'd forgotten to bring my coupons.

Afterward, since I'd been to all of the stores near my house over the past couple of weeks but still needed several Christmas gifts, there was only option in my mind: go to Westroads Mall. I had a gift card for Lady's Footlocker as well as for The Afternoon (both stores only located there) and so I didn't think twice about going to the biggest mall in Omaha, 22 minutes from where I was. I looked at the clock: 1:15 pm. That would make my arrival 1:37 pm, to my usual parking lot right outside Von Maur. No problem, I thought. That gives me a little over three hours of shopping before Joe gets home.

It was a beautiful crisp winter day and I was feeling excellent as I sang along to the Christmas music on the radio.

Suddenly, I noticed Kohls. I frowned, wondering if I should stop there first, since I had only been there very quickly the week before.

Maybe I should take a slower look today.

I was hesitant, as I really wanted to be done at Westroads by the time it got dark at 5. Would I still have enough time if I stopped at Kohls?

Oh, I might as well, that way I'll know I've looked everywhere.

To my dismay, I didn't find anything for anyone! What a waste of time, I thought.

At 1:50 pm I got into my car and continued my drive to the mall. Within minutes news broke in on the radio: a shooting had occured at 1:40 pm. At first I assumed it was a gang-related or drive-by shooting in the "bad" part of Omaha. Had one person been injured or died? My heart went out to the family of the victim. But then the radio hosts started warning people not to go near Westroads mall.

What?!

I slowed my car down. Was the gang-related or drive-by shooting in an ally or parking lot near the mall? That's when I heard the rest: a guy had walked into Von Maur and started shooting everyone at random.

My mouth dropped open, a chill ran down my spine, and my breathing came to an abrupt stop. I immeditately pulled my car over as tears rushed to my eyes. No! This couldn't be real! How could something like this be happening right now in "safe" Omaha, Nebraska?! I sat glued to the radio in a state of shock. I didn't know what to do.

I don't know if it was the pregnancy hormones or what--but a powerful irrational fear came over me and I began shaking, feeling as if no matter where I went I was going to be shot. Being in public was not safe. At that time there weren't many details, so nobody knew if the shooter had escaped or how many there were. What if several psychos were all over Omaha shooting innocent people?

I turned my car around and started heading in the opposite direction, finally pulling into our local Christian bookstore's parking lot and calling Joe. Since it was only 2:10 pm, he hadn't heard the news yet. He immediately went to CNN's website and saw that it was their top story on their front page. A co-worker near him took notice of his computer screen and spread the word to the rest of their work area.

I told Joe that I had completely lost my motivation for shopping, and he suggested I go home. We hung up and then I called my mom. She hadn't heard the news yet, either, and we talked for about 15 minutes. Then I went into the Christian bookstore but didn't find anything (I couldn't concentrate) and my stepdad called so I went back to my car. He said that my grandma (his mom) had seen the news (it was already on all of the national networks) and was worried about me. She'd called my home phone but had gotten the answering machine. So I called her and let her know that I was okay, followed by my dad. I arrived home around 3:30 pm and turned on Headline News which I watched for the next couple of hours, as Joe didn't get home until about 6:30 or 7 that night.

Hearing about the people being shot, or those actually in the store during the horrific experience, made me sooooo depressed and I thought I was going to throw up.

Joe was like, "Let's turn off the TV, this isn't good for the baby. How about we make Christmas cookies?"

Isn't he sweet? :-) So that's what we did the rest of the evening, and I did start to feel better. . .but on Thursday I watched more of the coverage on all of our local stations as well as CNN, Headline News, and Fox--and realized I was still unable to handle it.

Like I said before, I don't know if it was the pregnancy hormones combined with the fact that the "what ifs" were so real to me (knowing I could have been walking into Von Maur at the exact time of the shooting. . .what if I'd been walking in with the shooter and he'd decided to turn to me first?!)--but this just seemed a bigger deal to me than it normally would have been. I mean, no matter what, this would have been extremely sad and scary, but if I had just been spending the day at home or if it had occured somewhere that I never went, I don't think I would have been quite so personally affected. Instead, I kept feeling enormous panic inside me every time I thought about it.

By then we knew the details: the nineteen-year-old gunman had shot himself and was dead, but unfortunately killed eight others and wounded five. He had been in the foster care system and had a history of mental illness. After being fired from his job at McDonalds and breaking up with his girlfriend, he decided to end his life--but wanted to "go out in style."

I know that it had nothing to do with the mall, but I haven't been able to go shopping since. Just realizing how vulnerable we are when we go out in public, knowing that we are at anyone's disposal--who knows if the person next to us anywhere could snap. I know I'm going to have to bite the bullet and just go (I still have about 35% of my Christmas shopping left), I can't live my life in fear, but the weather has made it difficult as well, as we had a snow storm last Thursday and then again last night. Schools around our area were all closed.

Maybe tomorrow.

I'm sure each day I'll move on a little more from this experience. The families of the victims have been SO strong and inspiring, I've been telling myself that if they can be so healthy than so can I!!!! But it will definitely be a day that I never forget. I'm sure my baby will hear about it someday; I'll always remember I was 17.5 weeks pregnant at the time.

I am very thankful that I was spared last Wednesday. As awful as it is that eight people lost their lives, I think that a hundred might have been saved. I have since heard of others who either had just left the store or were also on their way there. My friend Melissa read me her daily devotional from that morning, as it eerily matched the events of that day in Omaha. It was about how there are no such things as coincidences, and that you may think a last minute decision is just that--but in fact is your angels protecting you from harm.

Obviously my decision to go to Kohls wasn't a waste of time.