Baby's First Kick

This was originally written on Friday, December 14, 2007

Today was a very monumental day! :-) At nineteen weeks I finally felt my boy or girl! It was such a connection--like we truly met for the first time. It was the first positive physical feeling I've had with pregnancy--and it made up for all of the negative. How could anything in life be more special?

A few days ago I was getting kind of worried because my doctor and all of my reading material had said that pregnant women feel the first kicks around 18 weeks. As much as I had tried, I could not feel anything last week. Every day I concentrated, but the closest I came was a few days ago I thought I might, possibly, could have, maybe felt a tiny flutter, haha. But this morning I definitely did!

I was awakened by my dogs barking as if someone was at our door. I wasn't ready to actually get up, so I continued to lay on my stomach. That's when I felt what was similar to a gas bubble--except that it was pleasant and gentle/fragile and seemed to have nothing to do with my stomach. I opened my eyes--but didn't move--and I felt it again. . .and again. . .and again! I turned on my side and after a few moments I felt it again! I stood up to call Joe and felt it then, too!

Once I started talking, I wasn't aware of it anymore and haven't felt it the rest of today--but that may be why I hadn't experienced it up until now anyway; I'm constantly moving around these days (trying to make up for my "lost" last few months), and since it's still at the subtle-stage I have to be still, quiet, and concentrating to feel anything.

The baby sure seemed active, though--just like at my last doctor's appt. when she had to chase it around my belly. In that case it might be a morning baby which is the opposite of me!

My stomach is growing at a very fast pace now. I've gained a total of 12 lbs. while pregnant.

As you know if you read my previous blog, I was still feeling irrational a week after the Omaha shooting. Every time I thought about going out in public I'd have an anxiety attack. But then I heard about a six-month pregnant woman who recently ran away because she was feeling crazy, and told everyone she'd been kidnapped. Yes, I know I have a long way to go before I'm to that point, but I told myself I must work through those feelings before they took over my brain, too. :p

It wasn't easy but I left my house last Wednesday afternoon, not realizing at first that it was 12:30--the same time I'd left my house for shopping exactly a week before. This time I drove straight to Westroads mall, but I was a total wreck inside. It was like I was aware of every bad thing that could possibly happen. A car accident. An explosion (when I stopped for gas). And then, of course, when I arrived to the mall: a copycat shooting.

A guy I knew in college who is now a detective told me that Westroads is probably the safest place in Omaha right now, because they'd have more security than ever. Sure enough, I immediately saw a security vehicle. Out of habit, I parked in the same parking lot I always have--right outside Von Maur. I had to force myself not to start sobbing when I saw the scene from TV in person--there were flowers, cards, and gifts all over the steps outside the door.

After parking my car, I took some deep breaths and then went inside the JCPenney entrance (Von Maur is still closed). But once again, I felt like sobbing. Just being in a department store for the first time since the incident, after imagining what it had been like for the victims. . .

At first I could hardly concentrate. It was fairly busy, and everyone working there seemed happy, as did the shoppers. I told myself that if they could put it behind them, so could I. But I was still nervous.

I began to walk through the main part of the mall, passing Von Maur where they had a wall blocking off the entrance--with tons and tons of cards. I saw some people reading them, but knew I couldn't handle that right now. So, I continued to The Afternoon (my fav store). After browsing their items, I selected a Christmas gift for my mom. This allowed me to relax a little because I'd been able to do something worthwhile. I then went to another store and found three more gifts for family members. This helped me even more because it usually takes a lot more shopping for me to be that productive!

I continued walking around the mall, but I became exhausted very quickly. I think my emotional energy completely drained me. I could barely carry my sacks (I realized that I need to lift weights if I'm going to be able to carry my baby), so I sat down on a bench. It happened to be right in front of Auntie Anne's Pretzels: my favorite mall eatery, a place I haven't eaten at in at least a year--if not more.

I bought a soft sour cream & onion pretzel and thoroughly enjoyed that and a cup of water. I happened to look at the clock on my cell phone and noticed it was 1:40--the exact time of the shooting last week. Once it passed, I felt a calm come over me. I had gone to the scene of the crime exactly one week to the minute--and everything was peaceful. I had seen several security guards while I was walking around the mall and felt more safe than when I had arrived. So I went to Younkers and bought another gift!

But, I was still tired, so even though it was only 2:15 (meaning I'd only been there an hour-and-twenty minutes) I decided to head home. I actually had to rest in my car before pulling out of the parking lot because I felt like I could have just fallen asleep right there!

On my way home I stopped at Blockbuster and rented three Christmas movies which sealed the deal--I was back to normal :-) I felt great then, so I went grocery shopping at Target and didn't think once about anything bad happening. All of that fear had completely left my body & mind. I've had no trouble being in public since.

After talking with Joe I think I understand why this was such a big deal for me. For those of you who read my "Starting To Show at 16.5 Weeks" blog, I described my out-of-control feelings with being pregnant. Well, how much more out of control can a situation get? There's no way I could ever prevent or stop a shooting! I can actually understand how the missing-and-found woman went off the deep end. Pregnancy and motherhood can make a woman feel very lost. There are so many new emotions and thoughts, it's hard to always know how to handle them. But they are completely normal and important to deal with because I'm convinced they're preparation for motherhood and will help us be better mothers! I have been trying to recognize the issues that I, personally, have anxiety with (for example, feeling out of control) and talk it out, write it down, and/or read--all things that usually help me to feel better. I encourage you to take the time to figure out what brings you peace with any new, confusing feelings you may have, because you & your baby will benefit in the long run. Also don't be afraid to seek professional help.

Well, Joe's home from work early today so we're going to give our two dogs a bath now, as we are leaving tomorrow morning to celebrate our first Christmas (with my stepdad's family) this weekend!