Baby's First Kick

This was originally written on Friday, December 14, 2007

Today was a very monumental day! :-) At nineteen weeks I finally felt my boy or girl! It was such a connection--like we truly met for the first time. It was the first positive physical feeling I've had with pregnancy--and it made up for all of the negative. How could anything in life be more special?

A few days ago I was getting kind of worried because my doctor and all of my reading material had said that pregnant women feel the first kicks around 18 weeks. As much as I had tried, I could not feel anything last week. Every day I concentrated, but the closest I came was a few days ago I thought I might, possibly, could have, maybe felt a tiny flutter, haha. But this morning I definitely did!

I was awakened by my dogs barking as if someone was at our door. I wasn't ready to actually get up, so I continued to lay on my stomach. That's when I felt what was similar to a gas bubble--except that it was pleasant and gentle/fragile and seemed to have nothing to do with my stomach. I opened my eyes--but didn't move--and I felt it again. . .and again. . .and again! I turned on my side and after a few moments I felt it again! I stood up to call Joe and felt it then, too!

Once I started talking, I wasn't aware of it anymore and haven't felt it the rest of today--but that may be why I hadn't experienced it up until now anyway; I'm constantly moving around these days (trying to make up for my "lost" last few months), and since it's still at the subtle-stage I have to be still, quiet, and concentrating to feel anything.

The baby sure seemed active, though--just like at my last doctor's appt. when she had to chase it around my belly. In that case it might be a morning baby which is the opposite of me!

My stomach is growing at a very fast pace now. I've gained a total of 12 lbs. while pregnant.

As you know if you read my previous blog, I was still feeling irrational a week after the Omaha shooting. Every time I thought about going out in public I'd have an anxiety attack. But then I heard about a six-month pregnant woman who recently ran away because she was feeling crazy, and told everyone she'd been kidnapped. Yes, I know I have a long way to go before I'm to that point, but I told myself I must work through those feelings before they took over my brain, too. :p

It wasn't easy but I left my house last Wednesday afternoon, not realizing at first that it was 12:30--the same time I'd left my house for shopping exactly a week before. This time I drove straight to Westroads mall, but I was a total wreck inside. It was like I was aware of every bad thing that could possibly happen. A car accident. An explosion (when I stopped for gas). And then, of course, when I arrived to the mall: a copycat shooting.

A guy I knew in college who is now a detective told me that Westroads is probably the safest place in Omaha right now, because they'd have more security than ever. Sure enough, I immediately saw a security vehicle. Out of habit, I parked in the same parking lot I always have--right outside Von Maur. I had to force myself not to start sobbing when I saw the scene from TV in person--there were flowers, cards, and gifts all over the steps outside the door.

After parking my car, I took some deep breaths and then went inside the JCPenney entrance (Von Maur is still closed). But once again, I felt like sobbing. Just being in a department store for the first time since the incident, after imagining what it had been like for the victims. . .

At first I could hardly concentrate. It was fairly busy, and everyone working there seemed happy, as did the shoppers. I told myself that if they could put it behind them, so could I. But I was still nervous.

I began to walk through the main part of the mall, passing Von Maur where they had a wall blocking off the entrance--with tons and tons of cards. I saw some people reading them, but knew I couldn't handle that right now. So, I continued to The Afternoon (my fav store). After browsing their items, I selected a Christmas gift for my mom. This allowed me to relax a little because I'd been able to do something worthwhile. I then went to another store and found three more gifts for family members. This helped me even more because it usually takes a lot more shopping for me to be that productive!

I continued walking around the mall, but I became exhausted very quickly. I think my emotional energy completely drained me. I could barely carry my sacks (I realized that I need to lift weights if I'm going to be able to carry my baby), so I sat down on a bench. It happened to be right in front of Auntie Anne's Pretzels: my favorite mall eatery, a place I haven't eaten at in at least a year--if not more.

I bought a soft sour cream & onion pretzel and thoroughly enjoyed that and a cup of water. I happened to look at the clock on my cell phone and noticed it was 1:40--the exact time of the shooting last week. Once it passed, I felt a calm come over me. I had gone to the scene of the crime exactly one week to the minute--and everything was peaceful. I had seen several security guards while I was walking around the mall and felt more safe than when I had arrived. So I went to Younkers and bought another gift!

But, I was still tired, so even though it was only 2:15 (meaning I'd only been there an hour-and-twenty minutes) I decided to head home. I actually had to rest in my car before pulling out of the parking lot because I felt like I could have just fallen asleep right there!

On my way home I stopped at Blockbuster and rented three Christmas movies which sealed the deal--I was back to normal :-) I felt great then, so I went grocery shopping at Target and didn't think once about anything bad happening. All of that fear had completely left my body & mind. I've had no trouble being in public since.

After talking with Joe I think I understand why this was such a big deal for me. For those of you who read my "Starting To Show at 16.5 Weeks" blog, I described my out-of-control feelings with being pregnant. Well, how much more out of control can a situation get? There's no way I could ever prevent or stop a shooting! I can actually understand how the missing-and-found woman went off the deep end. Pregnancy and motherhood can make a woman feel very lost. There are so many new emotions and thoughts, it's hard to always know how to handle them. But they are completely normal and important to deal with because I'm convinced they're preparation for motherhood and will help us be better mothers! I have been trying to recognize the issues that I, personally, have anxiety with (for example, feeling out of control) and talk it out, write it down, and/or read--all things that usually help me to feel better. I encourage you to take the time to figure out what brings you peace with any new, confusing feelings you may have, because you & your baby will benefit in the long run. Also don't be afraid to seek professional help.

Well, Joe's home from work early today so we're going to give our two dogs a bath now, as we are leaving tomorrow morning to celebrate our first Christmas (with my stepdad's family) this weekend!

Omaha Shooting When I was 17.5 Weeks Pregnant

This was originally written on Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Tomorrow marks a week since the terrible tragedy in Omaha, NE. Little did I know that after I last posted and then headed out for a day of Christmas shopping, I was about to have a terrifying close call.

At 12:30 pm on December 5th I finished my lunch, then drove to JCPenney and Gordmans for a discount since I'd bought some things there the day before but I'd forgotten to bring my coupons.

Afterward, since I'd been to all of the stores near my house over the past couple of weeks but still needed several Christmas gifts, there was only option in my mind: go to Westroads Mall. I had a gift card for Lady's Footlocker as well as for The Afternoon (both stores only located there) and so I didn't think twice about going to the biggest mall in Omaha, 22 minutes from where I was. I looked at the clock: 1:15 pm. That would make my arrival 1:37 pm, to my usual parking lot right outside Von Maur. No problem, I thought. That gives me a little over three hours of shopping before Joe gets home.

It was a beautiful crisp winter day and I was feeling excellent as I sang along to the Christmas music on the radio.

Suddenly, I noticed Kohls. I frowned, wondering if I should stop there first, since I had only been there very quickly the week before.

Maybe I should take a slower look today.

I was hesitant, as I really wanted to be done at Westroads by the time it got dark at 5. Would I still have enough time if I stopped at Kohls?

Oh, I might as well, that way I'll know I've looked everywhere.

To my dismay, I didn't find anything for anyone! What a waste of time, I thought.

At 1:50 pm I got into my car and continued my drive to the mall. Within minutes news broke in on the radio: a shooting had occured at 1:40 pm. At first I assumed it was a gang-related or drive-by shooting in the "bad" part of Omaha. Had one person been injured or died? My heart went out to the family of the victim. But then the radio hosts started warning people not to go near Westroads mall.

What?!

I slowed my car down. Was the gang-related or drive-by shooting in an ally or parking lot near the mall? That's when I heard the rest: a guy had walked into Von Maur and started shooting everyone at random.

My mouth dropped open, a chill ran down my spine, and my breathing came to an abrupt stop. I immeditately pulled my car over as tears rushed to my eyes. No! This couldn't be real! How could something like this be happening right now in "safe" Omaha, Nebraska?! I sat glued to the radio in a state of shock. I didn't know what to do.

I don't know if it was the pregnancy hormones or what--but a powerful irrational fear came over me and I began shaking, feeling as if no matter where I went I was going to be shot. Being in public was not safe. At that time there weren't many details, so nobody knew if the shooter had escaped or how many there were. What if several psychos were all over Omaha shooting innocent people?

I turned my car around and started heading in the opposite direction, finally pulling into our local Christian bookstore's parking lot and calling Joe. Since it was only 2:10 pm, he hadn't heard the news yet. He immediately went to CNN's website and saw that it was their top story on their front page. A co-worker near him took notice of his computer screen and spread the word to the rest of their work area.

I told Joe that I had completely lost my motivation for shopping, and he suggested I go home. We hung up and then I called my mom. She hadn't heard the news yet, either, and we talked for about 15 minutes. Then I went into the Christian bookstore but didn't find anything (I couldn't concentrate) and my stepdad called so I went back to my car. He said that my grandma (his mom) had seen the news (it was already on all of the national networks) and was worried about me. She'd called my home phone but had gotten the answering machine. So I called her and let her know that I was okay, followed by my dad. I arrived home around 3:30 pm and turned on Headline News which I watched for the next couple of hours, as Joe didn't get home until about 6:30 or 7 that night.

Hearing about the people being shot, or those actually in the store during the horrific experience, made me sooooo depressed and I thought I was going to throw up.

Joe was like, "Let's turn off the TV, this isn't good for the baby. How about we make Christmas cookies?"

Isn't he sweet? :-) So that's what we did the rest of the evening, and I did start to feel better. . .but on Thursday I watched more of the coverage on all of our local stations as well as CNN, Headline News, and Fox--and realized I was still unable to handle it.

Like I said before, I don't know if it was the pregnancy hormones combined with the fact that the "what ifs" were so real to me (knowing I could have been walking into Von Maur at the exact time of the shooting. . .what if I'd been walking in with the shooter and he'd decided to turn to me first?!)--but this just seemed a bigger deal to me than it normally would have been. I mean, no matter what, this would have been extremely sad and scary, but if I had just been spending the day at home or if it had occured somewhere that I never went, I don't think I would have been quite so personally affected. Instead, I kept feeling enormous panic inside me every time I thought about it.

By then we knew the details: the nineteen-year-old gunman had shot himself and was dead, but unfortunately killed eight others and wounded five. He had been in the foster care system and had a history of mental illness. After being fired from his job at McDonalds and breaking up with his girlfriend, he decided to end his life--but wanted to "go out in style."

I know that it had nothing to do with the mall, but I haven't been able to go shopping since. Just realizing how vulnerable we are when we go out in public, knowing that we are at anyone's disposal--who knows if the person next to us anywhere could snap. I know I'm going to have to bite the bullet and just go (I still have about 35% of my Christmas shopping left), I can't live my life in fear, but the weather has made it difficult as well, as we had a snow storm last Thursday and then again last night. Schools around our area were all closed.

Maybe tomorrow.

I'm sure each day I'll move on a little more from this experience. The families of the victims have been SO strong and inspiring, I've been telling myself that if they can be so healthy than so can I!!!! But it will definitely be a day that I never forget. I'm sure my baby will hear about it someday; I'll always remember I was 17.5 weeks pregnant at the time.

I am very thankful that I was spared last Wednesday. As awful as it is that eight people lost their lives, I think that a hundred might have been saved. I have since heard of others who either had just left the store or were also on their way there. My friend Melissa read me her daily devotional from that morning, as it eerily matched the events of that day in Omaha. It was about how there are no such things as coincidences, and that you may think a last minute decision is just that--but in fact is your angels protecting you from harm.

Obviously my decision to go to Kohls wasn't a waste of time.