Returning To "Normal" (Is that a good thing?)

This was written on Thursday, August 28, 2008:

This is a big week for Logan! Sunday was when he started standing on his own (next to our table -- I posted a pic in my last post) and tonight he held himself in a sitting position for quite awhile, check it out! :-)

4 months 10 days--Good job, Logan!
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This was originally written on Wednesday, September 3, 2008:

Today last year was Labor Day--the day I found out I was pregnant :-)

This year my news is that Logan rolled all of the way over for the first time on Sunday, August 31st! Since then he's been a rolling machine. Every time I put him down he immediately rolls over and acts very proud of himself. :-) The humorous part is that now he refuses to stay on his back! Unfortunately, he's forgotten how to roll from tummy to back (something he did a few times at a month old, but only one time since), so once he gets on his stomach he gets frustrated. He appears to think the point of being on his tummy is to crawl, because he keeps trying, but his arms aren't strong enough yet.

What a big week: standing, sitting, and rolling over all within 7 days! Joe was four months-twenty-seven days when he went from back to font; Logan was four months-thirteen days! (I didn't do it until eight months old because I was over two months premature.)

I have a feeling Logan will be crawling next. His legs are strong enough, and he definitely has the desire (he gives himself quite the workout by trying and trying--it always looks like he's swimming), he just doesn't know how to work his arms with his legs yet.

I never realized prior to having a baby that he would have an instinct to do all of these things on his own. I'd thought I was supposed to teach him everything, but he's been the one to show me rather than me show him. There must still be a nature's schedule going on, just like when he was in the womb. It's so fun to watch!

Since my last post, we decided not to keep our original plan of going five hours away for Labor Day weekend. For the past twenty-one years my stepdad's family has had a get-together for my cousins' birthdays, but Joe & I had to miss last year's because it was the weekend we moved into our new house. Hopefully we'll be able to attend next year because I always love spending time with them.

Also hopefully this weekend goes well with Logan (Joe's in a wedding--his best man is getting married in Iowa), since it'll only be his second time for traveling (the first was at 7 weeks old). I am amazed at how many people I know have already flown on a plane with their babies at this age. I am still not relaxed about just taking road trips! (Experts recommend not flying before three months old, here are two articles from BabyCenter and Surf Net Parents.)

My mom is going to come help out next week for a couple of days so that should give me a little break. My mood has still been down, so I'm going to see if my doctor will prescribe me progesterone at my annual exam this Friday.

I've been learning more about hormones prior, during, and after pregnancy. During pregnancy, progesterone is the highest it will ever be. Afterwards there is a major drop--which is why many women get post partum depression. Taking anti depressants will just mask the problem and often end up making hormones even more out of whack, but still most doctors prescribe them rather than trying to get hormones balanced first. (Let me note that I am not Tom Cruise and therefore I feel anti depressants ARE the right option for some people, I just don't feel I'm one of them.)

This makes sense to me because it fits exactly what I said on my own in my last post! Since I was put on progesterone early in my pregnancy because I tested low means that it is most likely low again. When progesterone is low, depression is the most common side effect, as well as:

Infertility
Thyroid dysfunction
Fibrocystic breasts
Weight gain
Gallbladder disease
Low Blood Sugar
Panic attacks
Water retention
Irregular menstrual cycle
Blood clots during menstruation
Magnesium deficiency
Vaginal dryness
Breast tenderness

At different "times of the month," progesterone levels change within our bodies. That explains why for years I've described the week before my period as having a black cloud over my head--but then as quickly as it comes on, it goes away, so that's why I never thought it was a big deal. I've never gone on anti-depressants because I just assumed "that was me." But not feeling like that the past year made me realize what my life would be like without it--and I liked that feeling A LOT better! I've never thought of myself as unstable or moody, but compared to the past year, I notice a difference now. I'm actually glad it seemed to happen overnight a couple of weeks ago, because if it had been gradual I might not have recognized the change, and then I'd naively deal with this until menopause. But I felt the drop inside of me, so now hopefully something can be done about it.

I actually tried over-the-counter progesterone cream back in 2004 for cramps (and irregular cycles), but it was very brief because I didn't notice an improvement. However now I've learned that for someone like me I'm going to need the hardcore prescription kind, like what I went on during my first trimester.

Maybe it will help my cramp-problem this time (that's an entirely different topic which I'll blog about some other time--but I can sum it up by saying that my contractions during labor were just as severe as menstrual pain that I've had. In fact, even though my contractions started in the last phase (there was no gradual build up or breaks between them like most women have), I remember thinking, "This is what it feels like to go into labor?! But I've done this before!!!!" Over the years there were days I'd cried in bed, sweat pouring down my forehead, the pain so severe I was dizzy, etc. Nothing helped my pain subside).

I had surgery in August of 2005 to check to see if something was wrong with me, like endometriosis. But my doctor said I looked healthier inside than what they're taught as doctors that we should all look like! I was actually disappointed that she didn't find anything because that meant there was no cure for my pain! She suggested I try different birth control methods--but I'd had major side effects with the pill (I was on it from Feb. '03-Feb. '04) so I recoiled from the idea of trying the other stuff out there since the regular birth control pill has the least amount of side effects! I'd just be trading one problem for another. (Birth control raises estrogen, which lowers progesterone, so I was the most "down" the year I was on the pill, it also caused me to get regular migraines for the first and only time in my life, lowered my immune system so I had one virus after another. . .among other things.)

I tried eliminating certain food from my diet (like wheat, dairy, sugar, caffeine, and fried foods), and even going through detox for copper toxicity (because I tested high for levels of copper in my system, common in women who have been on the birth control pill)--but neither helped. The only way I got through the last two years was because I had saved hydrocodone from my surgery--so that became my savior. I was careful with it so as not to become addicted; I didn't want to ever have to get a prescription, so I just took one each month on my worst day. I can't even describe the difference when it would kick in. I could actually function--happily! But, I took my last pill with my last period before I got pregnant, so I've dreaded getting it again without painkillers.

Could it be as simple as my hormones causing me to actually have contractions each month???

I still haven't started my period--but, like I said last week, I can tell it's soon. (It's like having my one bad week from my past, only for three weeks so far this time--ick! At least it's not affecting my time with Logan, I'm still able to enjoy him and feel happy whenever I look at him.) Joe thinks the shift in my hormones might also have caused the recent change in my milk supply (which you can read about on my "Okay. . .I'm Ready For My First Break "post). And, unfortunately, last night the moment I knew would happen, happened: it dropped again. I nursed Logan for TWO HOURS and it still didn't satisfy him. I know I wasn't "supposed" to give him formula, but I finally did for the first time since he was three weeks old (because I don't have anymore breastmilk stored). I've increased my fenugreek intake to maximum and am back to pumping, so I'll be fine for awhile longer. . .but I told Joe last night that I don't even know if I want to try to continue anymore. I was ready to throw in the towel when Logan was three weeks old--it was bad enough nursing for two straight hours back then, but four months later?! For a long time I felt guilty, like I was being selfish, but now I'm wondering how anyone could be motivated at this point!

I considered contacting La Leche, but I've clearly nourished Logan well for four-and-a-half months, isn't that good enough? But then I think about the winter coming and how breastmilk might protect/prevent Logan from catching viruses, and also comfort him when he recovers from surgery. SIGH.

Well, we might not have a choice; I might be physically unable to soon. I will keep centering my life around breastfeeding for another month, but a miracle's gonna have to happen for me to continue any longer than October (six months).

A lot of people have been telling me that if I start feeding Logan solids it will help me keep up with him. Logan has taken an interest in our food now, so I understand why four months old is when doctors say babies can start eating cereal. (It is a development builder, too.) Although I had planned on waiting until he was six months old so as to be sure to avoid allergies, as well as the other reasons found in my post titled Four Months Old, we've decided to compromise and do it on his five month birthday.

Who knows, maybe going on progesterone will somehow help the breastfeeding. I also can tell my metabolism has slowed down over these past two weeks, which makes me feel lazy and bloated for the first time since having Logan. I guess the above list did say that low progesterone equals weight gain. (Even though after somehow losing 35 lbs two weeks post partum and my other 7 lbs that I'd gained while pregnant by two months, I currently weigh less than I did before I got pregnant.)

On another note, we were finally able to make it to Babies R Us on Saturday to use our 10% off coupon from when Logan was born (I had mentioned here that we would in July but we weren't able to then after all). So we finally bought the rest of the things on our registry, as well as his first Baby Einstein DVD and some sunglasses for him. They didn't have any boy ones left, so he has cherry glasses, hehe.

We rested up on Sunday and then Monday (Labor Day) we were invited over to Mike & Sara's because they were grilling out, so it was fun chatting with them, Darin & Lisa, Nick & Heather, and Shawn & Sarah. (The husbands that Joe used to work with.) Under my August archives link I wrote on a couple of posts that I have three friends who are pregnant & due in April. One of them is Heather (she is 10 weeks already), another is Melissa (my friend who lived in Omaha up until April, she is 9 weeks), and the other is Brooke, a girl I used to work with (she's now 8 weeks along). It was fun to talk pregnancy with Heather in person for the first time, since I was the very first person she told the end of July!

Not long after we returned home that night, I had one of the worst experiences ever.

Before I gave birth it was drilled into my mind never to put anything in a baby's crib. SIDS has been reduced by NINETY-FIVE PERCENT since experts started telling parents to put their babies on their back and eliminate bumper pads, blankets, and stuffed animals from their sleeping areas. I have always followed those rules to a T (for other tips, go to the SIDS Network site), except when Logan is playing in his crib or pack n play and I am in the same room--then I let him have a stuffed animal, and/or he also likes to hold on to a burp cloth or one of his two mini-blankets.

Well, after I had finished changing Logan's diaper, I set him in his pack n play. He was wide awake and energetic, so I let him have his Chicago Bears blankie (it has a little bear rattle on the end). I didn't expect him to be in his pack n play for long. Lately when he's in that type of mood he won't just "hang out"--he wants to be in his bouncer or play gym, etc. But, he wasn't complaining, so I left the room for a moment (Joe was outside watering the yard).

Suddenly I heard the worst scream of my life.

It was not a cry that I had EVER heard from him. I'm sure other mothers out there know how it is--you can predict what it is your baby wants based on the sound of their cry. It was much easier than I had thought to learn his cries fairly early on. Logan has always been very predictable--until that HORRIBLE, desperate, gurgling sound which came out of nowhere. I immediately took off running because I knew 100% that something was wrong. My first thought was that maybe the changing table on the pack n play had fallen on him. The cry said that something had hurt him.

As I reached his pack n play my heart jumped into my throat. His arms and legs were punching and kicking because his face was completely covered with the 15 x 15 inch blanket! My eyes became blurry as I threw off the blanet and scooped my baby up in my arms. His chest was going in and out rapidly and he was breathing like a person who had just run a race. I held him close and wanted to ball my eyes out, but instead I silently rocked him until he smiled and I knew he was over it.

But I'm not. Boy did I learn a lesson. I'm NEVER letting him play with a blanket again (unless I'm sitting right next to him, not going anywhere). You always hear people say you can't take your eyes off your kids, but that's easier said than done. Who sits and stares at their children every second of every day?!

I knew I didn't trust Logan to be on his stomach without me (he has a strong neck, but when he gets tired he will put his head face down--so I am worried about him in his crib at night now that he can roll over). He is also obviously too young to know how to escape from an item that is suffocating him.

I hate that this happened because I was already trying to be aware of danger zones to prevent--but obviously I missed this one, so it pains me to know I will probably miss another in the future. I just want to sob at the thought of Logan in any pain.

The worst part was knowing that Logan felt fear--that was what caused him to scream. Joe said it was a good thing, a survival mechanism, because he knew he was in danger--but I can't handle the thought of what could have happened had he NOT screamed! All it takes is a few seconds for a baby's air being cut off for our lives to be changed forever.

Ugh, I can't write anymore about it. . .it's still so upsetting. . .he means EVERYTHING to me!!!! If I lost him, you might as well consider Andrea lost forever because I'd never even be a shell of myself. I know what people mean when they say the worst loss is the loss of a child. I pray to God I never experience that.

It made Bella's experience today hardly seem worth any stress. Our fence gate was somehow open this afternoon, and so Bella escaped. I didn't even realize it until she'd been outside for ten minutes, which was longer than usual, so I called for her to come in. It wasn't like her to not come when called, and so I stepped out on the deck because I couldn't see her, and that's when I noticed the gate open. I knew then that she wasn't in our yard and could have already gone far in those ten minutes.

I put on my shoes and coat and ran out our front door, calling to her. An SUV was driving down the street and so my voice took on a more panic tone, as I prayed she wouldn't get hit by a car. Thankfully, I spotted her--she was only two houses down and she must have sensed my voice because she came running straight toward me, although she kept hunching down like she thought she was going to be in trouble. But I just didn't have the energy to yell at her like I normally would have, so that was that.

As for Cosmo, something is wrong with his leg(s). Every half an hour he starts crying and snuggles to me. Joe & I noticed that he keeps stretching his legs, so if he's still doing this tomorrow morning I'm taking him to the vet. We've been told since he was a puppy that at some point he may have knee problems, so I'm wondering if that's what's going on or if he just jumped wrong off the bed or something. Hopefully it's nothing serious. . .I'm fine with no more drama!