Rough Week

This was originally written on Wednesday, August 20, 2008:

I can't wait until Joe returns this evening! This has been a horrible past four days. Logan decided on Sunday and Monday not to nap AT ALL but instead eat every two hours like he did during his first month of life! As I said in my last post, my milk supply had gone down, so it was very exhausting pumping AND nursing him every hour! It reminded me of his third week/my third week of breastfeeding when my lactation consultant called and I ended up in tears because I was so overwhelmed. I hadn't planned on ever having to experience that again. Only this time instead of sleeping the rest of the time, he wanted constant stimulation--I couldn't leave him alone or else he'd start crying!

It was embarrassing because my step-grandparents came to meet him for the first time on Sunday through this morning, and so they had a distorted view of our days. Even though Logan doesn't tend to have a consistant schedule, we still somehow know how to go with each other's flow, ya know? I can't say he's a perfect baby because there's no such thing, but as you know if you've kept up on my blogs, the majority of his days on earth he's been easy. Even though he still had times of smiling & laughing for my grandparents to thoroughly enjoy, this week was otherwise identical to my only other "bad week" (three weeks ago when he had an hour each day where he cried; he hasn't done that since)--only without Joe's help, so therefore it felt a million times worse.

I hope this is just a phase because I came close to having an anxiety attack several times! I actually wish I'd been by myself and not had company because I think that made it worse. If I'd been alone I could have centered my days around Logan to get in tune with this different behavior and figure out what to do on my end, and I don't think it would have seemed so bad. Instead, I had to take a shower & get ready every morning and focus on my grandparents. They wanted to go out to eat once a day so I drove them around, etc. I couldn't just lay around in my sweats & topless nursing Logan all day!

I appreciated my grandparents offering to keep me company while Joe was gone, but I should have had them come a different week. Because they didn't feel comfortable holding him or feeding him a bottle, or diverting his attention when he was crying, etc. So that meant I had absolutely no breaks and there were many times I was trying to do five things at once. I had to let the dogs outside, bring them back in when they barked, clean up Cosmo's vomit when he threw up while I was changing Logan's diaper, change Logan's outfit four times each day due to him spitting up or peeing on it, clean up our messes, do the dishes, the laundry, etc.

Fortunately I was still able talk with my grandparents while they were here, which was enjoyable, but I learned that next time Joe is gone I'm not going to have company. It's just too much pressure to do extra. There were so many times I wanted to sob, but I couldn't because I don't want to cry in front of people. At one point I went upstairs to put laundry away and I did cry for a couple of minutes.

I actually lost four pounds over these past four days because every moment was spent running around like a chicken with my head cut off. My grandparents said they could see how I lost my baby weight, but honestly it's not usually like that! Our life with Logan has been pretty calm up until now.

I wonder if Logan is transitioning into a new pattern, now that he's older. He officially turned four months old on Monday (Sunday was exactly a year after I got pregnant, haha) and is starting to act more like a "kid" rather than a baby. For one, he's gotten LOUD!!! He makes shrill noises non-stop!!! He's also very interested in what's going on around him; he has to be involved now in everything. Normally when I take him out in public he just sleeps. This time when we went out to eat (twice to Red Robin and once to Dragon Cafe, I had no problem eating my entire banzai burger & fries at Red Robin because I was so hungry after my constant moving), he had to be on my lap rather than in the carseat or else he was going to cry! I'd never been worried about causing a scene since he'd been born--but this week I felt like he was a ticking time bomb.

That's actually why I've always been scared for Logan to leave the baby stage because it seems harder to me when they start moving around, but everyone says it gets easier, so hopefully I will agree soon!

It has been fun to see him continue to develop intellectually. I think he's actually gotten a lot smarter this week. It is so fascinating to watch him learn hand-eye coordination. Most recently I noticed him looking at his pacifier on his lap and then he slowly made his hand reach down to pick it up, then he slowly grasped it and slowly brought it up to his face and kept trying to put it in his mouth but kept missing--but still kept on trying. He also keeps trying to crawl and clearly understands that's what he will be doing at some point, but he just can't physically do it yet. It's like when people have a disability--they have the desire and know what they're supposed to do, but there's a process between your brain and motor skills that most of us take for granted.

He does the same thing with the toys on his bouncer. And, may I point out, that he favors his left side :-) I say this because I'm left handed! Joe didn't like to hear that because he wants him to be an engineer like him, haha, but left handers tend to fall more into creative professions. . .like writing :-) We actually noticed this a month or two ago but know that it's too soon to tell (they say it takes until they're two years old), however the more he plays the more we notice he is more interested in whatever is on his left, he uses his left hand more, and when he rolls to his side or turns his head to sleep it's always to the left. Well, life will probably be easier for him if he's an engineer (school and society definitely favor those better in math & science) but it'd be fun to have someone else in the family who is like me, since none of my blood relatives have even the tiniest interest in writing, etc.

I'm pretty sure he's going to have Joe's hair, though. It's funny because I'm sure you will all agree with both Joe & me that his hair is black. But his mom has always insisted it's "dark brown with red highlights." This always makes us laugh because Joe's hair is a pretty solid color! At first glance it appears that Logan has black hair as well. But, whenever I get him in a certain light, I'm like, "Ohmygosh his hair is dark brown with red highlights!" Haha! It must be a "mother" thing because I still don't see it with Joe's hair!

Back to Logan this week. . .I believe his change in behavior is one or more of the following three factors:

1) He hasn't pooped since Saturday. He's never gone this long, so if he doesn't poop today then I'm calling the pediatrician. Experts say it's not constipation until it's been seven days, and Logan doesn't act in pain or anything, but it's still not like him. I assume it's because (as I mentioned in my last post after his vaccines) he had 4 full poopy diapers on Thursday and 4 full poopy diapers on Friday. It makes sense that his body would need to make up for those so as not to get dehydrated. Still, I'd assume it'd be uncomfortable when you're used to going at least once (if not more a day), and now it's been four days.

2) His routine changed. Joe's gone and we had visitors that required a different pattern to our days. I've heard that babies know more than we think. They get used to the flow of things, and the older they get the more of an adjustment life is when it changes. They also crave routine, but we've had A LOT going on lately. There have been a lot of new faces, new voices, and now that he's noticing everything it may just be too much for him. It's a "new thing" to have to relax himself when there's action going on and he hasn't grasped that yet. It used to be the noiser the better. Until recently we even kept a sound machine on at night for him. But now he prefers the quiet to sleep, so no more sound machine--because noises feed his energy! At this age he can't communicate that he might want some "alone" or "quiet" time, so all he can do is squirm. I did notice this week that when I'd take him upstairs to nurse him behind closed doors he relaxed more than when I'd try to soothe him in front of my grandparents. However many times he wouldn't nurse because he was too fussy--but he would take a bottle. :-(

3) He's starting to understand attention! Until now he never seemed that interested in whether we "gooed" over him. But now, of course, he's discovered that life is more fun when we talk & smile at him! So whenever I left him alone to nap or play by himself, he probably thought, hey wait a minute I prefer staying up with her! But no naps and constant stimulation make a baby fussier. That's something I'm more open to working on when it's just him & I at home, but when other people are around I don't feel comfortable letting him be so loud for an undetermined amount of time. He doesn't understand what it means to talk softly at this point, haha--when he babbles he's a shouter!

I also still haven't thrown out the idea that he's teething, despite there being no buds yet. He only takes his pacifier about 1% of the time now, but chews on his fingers and drools a lot.

One thing I can't complain about is that he has started sleeping TWELVE peaceful hours, straight through each night! He goes to bed around 8 pm and sleeps all of the way until 8 am. (Since 3 months old we haven't left the closet light on for him as I first mentioned in my "Preparing for Brachial Cleft Surgery" post.) His naps still vary during the day, but he always totals the average amount of sleep per day for this age (still 15 hrs).

At least I was smart and slept the entire time Logan did the past three nights, so I'm not a zombie.

P.S. I wrote the above blog at 9:30 this morning and now it's 5:30 PM. I already have an update to report--good and bad news. The good is that Logan finally pooped today at 3:30! We'll see if that makes a difference with his behavior. Joe just arrived home and the first words out of his mouth were that he was shocked that Logan looks & acts older that just four days ago!

The bad news is that my grandmother found out that she has breast cancer. Please keep her in your prayers. . .my step grandparents are in their mid-seventies and have always been extremely involved in my life. From the time I met them after my mom & stepdad became engaged in 1987, they immediately welcomed me like I was their biological grandchild--inviting me to stay with them for a week every single summer until I graduated high school, visiting me at college and every single place I've ever lived, they've called me every weekend to find out what was going on in my life, and in college sent me $5-10 each week! They came all of the way to Omaha from Eastern Iowa to dogsit my oldest dog (Bella) for a week when she was 7 months old when Joe & I went to the Carolinas, as well as to see our new house less than two months after we moved here last year, and now to meet Logan. I have known other women with breast cancer, and they have given me great hope that my grandma will be okay as they are all survivors except one: my aunt (dad's sister), who passed away before I was born. I will be getting out my pink bracelet to wear during the month of October for breast cancer awareness month!