Okay. . I'm Ready For My First Break

This was originally written on Tuesday, August 26, 2008:

I had my massage! (I ended up having it today rather than last Friday) My only complaint is that the hour went too fast! But, an hour's better than nothing. I'm still hoping for my beach vacation (that Joe agreed to when I was in labor, haha) sometime in 2009. Having no real "time off" (that means at least 24 hrs) since Logan's been born is getting to me for the first time.

At least he is back to his easier, happier, sweet self. It took over 24 hours after Logan pooped and Joe returned home last week. I felt like Logan and I bonded a lot more with Joe gone (he slept in my room all four days in his carseat). He stared blankly at Joe for several hours after he got home from Branson--like he thought he looked familiar but couldn't place him. When Joe held him the first time he even screamed (whereas he's ALWAYS greeted him with a huge grin). I think that made Joe a little sad. Thankfully, by the next day Logan seemed to remember him--now he happily responds to Joe the way he always did before.

I think my "quiet" days are over, though. (Or at least until my kids are in school.) When Logan's awake he wants action-action-action! He finally has a consistant pattern/schedule to his days, though! He wakes up every morning at 7 or 8 am and takes a nap from 9 or 10 to 11 or noon, then another nap from 3-4 pm, and is awake until 8 pm. He's still sleeping 11-12 hrs straight through the night which is GREAT for me because I do best with my rest all at once, rather than split up. The trick for me now is to figure out how to get things done during the day and/or to find time just to myself. It used to be that I could do other things while he was awake, but now he requires my constant attention every minute of his "awake time." I'm learning how to be a morning person (which I've never been) because otherwise it gets to be 5 pm and Joe arrives home and I'm still in my pjs with my hair uncombed and spit-up all over me :p

Needless to say, pumping is impossible now (no time), so hopefully I won't have another drop in my milk supply. After my last post it did go up finally (yeay) so I've been exclusively nursing again and am at exactly Logan's amount--which means there are no more storage containers in our freezer for if he has another growth spurt, but as long as nursing continues to meet his exact demand, it will be okay.

I'm worried about what happens in two weeks, since that's how long I've gone in the past without pumping before I get a dry spell. (Although I've still always pumped at least one day a week so that I can go out in public and not have to worry about not-breastfeeding-friendly places.)

I am definitely WAY more knowledgeable about breastfeeding these days compared to when Logan was first born, so hopefully that will at least help me with my next baby. I have been researching the history of breastfeeding in America and feel my brain is full of everything a person could possibly learn about nursing. (You can click on this link to read my post titled The History Of Breastfeeding in America.)

For one, we always hear doctors say that once you get to 36 weeks gestation then the baby is fine to arrive. This is true when you're talking about developmentally--but what you don't hear is that for each week that a baby is born prior to 40 weeks, it's that much harder to nurse. I've discovered it is quite common for babies born at 37 weeks gestation (what Logan was) to have a slower time than a baby born at 40. (Logan was actually born on the first day of 37 weeks, so he'd actually just finished his 36th week, i.e. he was thirty-six weeks and one day.)

The biggest obstacle, though, of course, was the jaundice. The more severe the jaundice, the harder it is for any woman to breastfeed because the baby simply doesn't have the energy. Logan had a severe case (had to be hospitalized in an incubator) which meant that not only was his sucking lazy (even though he had a perfect latch right away and immediately knew what to do) so he wasn't getting enough milk (losing an entire pound in three days which made the jaundice worse) but he had to be fed formula for four days because he had "breastmilk jaundice" which meant the only way he was going to recover was to get him off of breastmilk briefly. But introducing him to the bottle so soon (at only a week old) taught him that bottles are easier and so that was preferable when he was tired.

Not enough sucking by Logan and no relieving my milk in other ways caused my milk supply to not come in enough--and so it wasn't until I started pumping when he was two weeks old that I could even help Logan out! (We had both ends going against us.) It took until week 7 before I was able to exclusively breastfeed (i.e. go 24 hrs without pumping/giving him breastmilk in a bottle). And that only happened after an exhausting 24/7 focus on teaching him to rely on my breast, not the bottle.

So, it was a HUGE success when Logan finally had the energy to nurse until he was full all of the time--and to prefer it to breastmilk in a bottle. Each day over the past 11 weeks has been easier than the one before, so most days I nurse all day--especially now that I barely have to do anything: he immediately knows what's coming when I take off my shirt, gets in position himself, I don't have to hold his head or my breast, or any of the things I used to have to do. I can put him in any position and even move around, which I never thought possible because he needed assistance for so long.

But, as I said in my previous post, every couple of weeks Logan doesn't take my breast, because he wants more milk. (I know that seems strange since he's in the 90th percentile with his weight, but he acts the same as a starving child--opening his mouth and searching desperately for a nipple, making sounds like "oh! oh! oh!" and then if we try and trick him with a pacifier or something, he just screams and screams and screams--huge tears pouring down his face, his face turning purple. . .nothing soothes him, it's awful!) So, at those times I go the freezer and give him a bottle, and then I pump all day to make sure my milk is flowing. Once it is, I go back to exclusively breastfeeding. But last week that didn't work. I pumped every other hour (and breastfed every other hour) for days and days and days before my milk matched his demand. It really took a toll on me.

The only good to come out of pumping the past four months was that I never had to be interrupted when out in public. But it's a double-edged sword. I had to do it to be able to breastfeed at all (and to continue after every couple of weeks). . .but now I'm wondering if my breasts are more dependent on the pump rather than Logan. (I've read so many times that it's prolactin in the baby's saliva that best increases milk, but the pump seems to do it better for me. Rather than work at getting my milk out, Logan refuses to nurse when my milk stops flowing an extra amount. I think that's still his habit from his newborn days.)

I know that when I have my next child it will be even harder to find the time to pump, so I am really going to try not to use it at all with baby #2. Of course I'd never planned on using it with baby #1 (which is why I didn't buy one until he was two weeks old) but if I carry my next baby to full-term and he/she doesn't have jaundice, then my original plan has a good chance of working. If, for some reason, the same things happen as with Logan, then I will only pump in the beginning for my milk production--but as soon as baby #2 is recovered from jaundice I will go cold turkey on the bottle! It seems that week 3 is easier than month 3 because Logan totally has expectations now to his amount of "meals." During his first three weeks of life he never indicated to me that he wasn't getting enough--we never would have known if not for the scale at the pediatrician's office.

I know the average time for women to breastfeed (including my mom w/ me) is six months, even though one to two years is actually what's recommended--but I can understand why most women stop! It's ironic I mentioned in my post titled "My Son's Brachial Cleft Fistula" that breastfeeding was easy now and I no longer doubted I could do it for a year (what has always been my goal). But since the middle of August I've been praying I can make it just two more months (to six months old)! If it seems like I can't, then I'll contact La Leche since they have support groups.

Breastfeeding is wonderful (I understand why moms say they miss it when it's over--there are no other moments I feel as close to Logan as I do when nursing. It's the most intimate experience you can have with your child; I haven't been able to find anything else that compares because it's the only way at this stage that you can cuddle and he can cuddle back! Plus, most of all, I know I'm giving him the best possible "health"--if it wasn't for that I would have given up by now)--but the women who have never had any setbacks or challenges are lucky! It becomes a love-hate relationship otherwise, which is very exhausting and depressing. If I worked outside the home there's no way I'd still be able to keep up. It's hard enough here. So that's why even though my milk supply is better now, and I'm back to nursing (but every two hours), my mood isn't any better than last week.

I'm also wondering if my hormones are returning to normal--as in, I might soon be getting my first period since having Logan. I feel like I have PMS for the first time in over a year. I actually forgot what it felt like to have a black cloud over my head like I always did one week every month since high school. I noticed during my pregnancy how I never had that, no matter how sick or uncomfortable I was, or even after my cousin's baby dying, the Omaha shooting, my trip to the ER, or my pre-term labor scare--or when I felt "blah" the day before I went into labor. I think my hormones were at a better level which is why I didn't have post partum depression even though I had post wedding depression for an entire year after I got married! I think breastfeeding might even have kept my hormones higher, but after awhile it's inevitable for them to drop back down. I can tell I'm there.

There is no set time for women to get their period back, especially if breastfeeding. Some women don't get it until they're completely done nursing (however long that may be), others have it at six months, others as soon as three months. (Non-breastfeeders have them again 1-2 months after the baby is born.)

The more hours a woman goes between nursing, the quicker the period returns. For example, since Logan sleeps 11-12 hrs every night (that means no eating) I am very likely to start my period any day now, whereas a mom who is not waiting longer than three hours between feedings will resume much later. This also means I am more likely to get pregnant! However, only two percent of women ovulate before that first period, so that's where the myth comes from of not being able to get pregnant while breastfeeding. For most, it's not until after you have that first period that you need to be careful. (Because, also, even if ovulation occurs breastfeeding often hinders implantation.) Still, since you never know when that first period will arrive you should be extra careful if you're not planning to have another baby yet! AskDrSears gives some good tips.

I've also read that your first period is likely to be heavy and painful. Since your body has not been ovulating for nine or more months, the first period is going to be hard on your body.

On to more pleasant things. . .! Logan stood up without us holding on to him for the first time on Sunday! Joe was playing with him in our living room and propped him up against our coffee table. . .and Logan stood firm so Joe let go and Logan lasted nearly a minute! He does it regularly now!After my last post when Joe & his sister returned from the Lake of the Ozarks, we ordered pizza and then they showed me an awesome slideshow that they and Joe's other sister made for their mom (they went on that trip to celebrate her 65th b-day which is September 11th).

Joe then took AnMarie to the airport early morning on Thursday and returned to work on Friday. For the weekend, my mom & stepdad brought my maternal grandmother to see our new house and to meet Logan. We had a great time. We went out to eat at Roja Mexican Grill on Saturday and Wheatfields on Sunday. Logan was on his best behavior both places--yeay.

I had never heard about my grandmother's labor experiences but it was really interesting--her first baby (my uncle) took over 24 hrs to come out because of her pelvis! This was back in the day when women were completely put out for their birthing experience (which is so strange to me) so she didn't remember any of it, but it was what the doctor told her later. I don't think that there is any doubt that the shape of your pelvis is genetic. (My cousin on her side had a c-section with both of her babies for this reason as well--and the first was posterior but not the second.) It was reassuring to me because my grandma's second baby (my mom) took 3 hrs, and her third (my aunt) took half that! My grandma is an example of how just because you have one baby that won't come out easily doesn't mean all will be the case.

Those of you who read My Birth Story might remember that it took my mom 4 hours from when she dilated to when she pushed me out. If Logan hadn't been face up, that's all my entire labor would have been, too (rather than 7.5). I'm starting to see a nice trend in my family!

I really don't have much else to report. . .Logan is growing into his name which is neat. Up until now he really didn't look like a Logan so I called him L.J. Joe used to call him Billy because of back when he kept getting his biliruben levels checked for jaundice, but that hasn't been so much lately. He can also pull my hair with his feet, LOL.

Joe rented a DVD for me so I'm going to see if I can escape into that now. It's about a woman going insane. :/

Breastfeeding Rollercoaster

This was originally written on Monday, June 9, 2008:

If you have found this blog due to the issue of jaundice, you can read my two posts about my experience here. If you are here for the issue of breastfeeding, you might be interested in my other posts on this subject, found here.

In the Preparing to Breastfeed blog, I wrote, "I am planning to breastfeed. There really doesn't seem like any other option. From every book I've read, every doctor and lay person I've talked to, etc. there's no reason NOT to."

I included the facts about how much better breastmilk is than formula and how to overcome common breastfeeding problems. I even took a breastfeeding class because I'd heard that despite it being something that women have been doing since the beginning of time, it isn't necessarily easy.

But, I figured that by me being a stay at home mom free & able to nurse whenever, and truly wanting it to be a priority, it was in my favor to do it. Surely something so natural wouldn't be THAT difficult. I had pictured breastfeeding my children my entire life, as I knew my mom had nursed me (as well as my husband's mom with him).

So, when my son was born, one of the first things that came to my mind was the tip at the top of my breastfeeding class notes: Nurse within the first hour of birth. (In the PTB blog I also included the rest of the tips I’d learned during class.)

Unfortunately, Logan was in intensive care during his first hour of birth. Even though we'd been told at 30 min. post-birth that he could be released, it took two hours before he was in the regular nursery. During those hours I asked several nurses, "When can I breastfeed? I want to breastfeed!"

Finally, four hours after his birth, a nurse brought him into my room and put him to my left breast in the football-hold position. I was relieved when Logan latched on, as that is the first--and often hardest--step. Not only that, but he began sucking strongly right away. The nurse cheered--and I thought that was the end of any concern. I'd had the wrong assumption that breastfeeding was either easy or hard, and so since it'd started off well for us, my experience would be easy. I didn't realize that many women have an issue that develops and THAT'S part of what makes it hard--that the whole experience can be a rollercoaster.

But, even when after only a few minutes Logan stopped nursing and fell asleep, I wasn't worried. The lactation consultants came to check on me and explained that newborns really only need a few teaspoons of colostrum, as nature has given them the ability to actually survive with nothing for a couple of days after birth! So, although Logan always fell asleep before the full twenty minutes that is recommended, I continued to be optimistic. Especially, since he'd had a rough birth--of course he was going to be tired. The main thing was that he was latching on, sucking properly, and having the correct number of wet & dirty diapers per day.

Still, by his third day (Monday, April 21st) he'd lost nearly a pound (from 7 lbs, 13.7 oz, to 6 lbs, 15 oz). While this is normal for newborns, for babies with jaundice weight loss is incredibly dangerous as it makes the jaundice worse. My pediatrician said I had one week to bring his weight back up through breastfeeding but then otherwise he'd need to be on formula. (Which my ped. didn’t want as he is very pro-breastfeeding.) I was crushed--and determined to nurse 24/7 if need be.

However, later that day we had to admit Logan to the hospital because his jaundice level was 21 (in the emergency range). This meant he had to be in an incubator and hooked up to IV fluids. Therefore, I was only able to take him out every now & then to nurse. :-(

Meanwhile, my breasts entered the engorgement phase. The nurses had all been asking me, "Has your milk come in?" (Changing from colostrum to real milk) I suddenly knew what they meant--not only were my breasts incredibly sensitive and SORE, but HUGE!!!! I hadn't thought it was possible for them to get as big as they did (it was rather creepy).

I didn't realize how important that day was. While I was preoccupied with Logan in his incubator, my breasts were basically asking me, "Do you want this milk? If not, we're going to dry up." If I had it to do over again, I would have pumped like crazy that day and asked the hospital staff if I could nurse Logan even more frequently. It wasn't until that night that they finally let me borrow their electric pump to relieve my milk for the pain (and then my milk was discarded!). I was surprised at how little came out, but the nurses said not to worry, that Logan was only 3-4 days old and that was all he needed at this point.

Until then I had only nursed Logan on my left breast--but that one was so engorged that it nearly made me cry to have him on there that night, so I decided to try my right breast (in a cross-cradle position). It turned out that Logan did a better job over there. . .and after that he would no longer take my left side at all! When I pumped on Tuesday (April 22, day 4) there was barely any milk on the left (not even 1/4 of an oz)--but my right picked up, as if it was over-compensating.

The lactation consultants at that hospital checked on me, and noticed that my left breast had become so engorged that the nipple wasn't as easy for Logan to latch on to anymore, so that's why my milk was drying up on that side. They gave me a nipple shield which was a miracle worker; Logan began to take that side again. They also checked to make sure that he was swallowing (which he was)--which meant that he was indeed getting milk from me. The only complaint as we left the hospital was that he still wasn't nursing for the full twenty minutes because he was still very sleepy. They said that was to be expected for a jaundice baby and just to nurse as often as possible and he would improve.

When I went home, I made sure to put him to my breast every two hours no matter if he woke up or not. My breasts had passed the engorgement phase so they didn’t hurt anymore, but to my shock they were actually smaller than before I was pregnant! (Since I'd only pumped a few times at the hospital and Logan wasn't sucking enough, my milk was drying up.)

Unfortunately, Logan stopped taking my left side again even with the shield and would still not stay awake on the right. Even though his weight got slightly better, his jaundice (bilirubin levels) did not. Therefore, as those know who read my blog about his first week, he was required to stop breastfeeding on Friday, April 25 and be on formula for four days.

The internet explains: ". . .enzymes in mom's milk allow bilirubin to be reabsorbed into the blood from the intestines, the baby processes fatty acids in mom's milk as a priority over processing the bilirubin. If the mother stops nursing, substituting formula, the bilirubin levels will drop rapidly. They will not rise again when the nursing is resumed."

This was true--in just 24 hours (by Saturday, April 26) Logan's bilirubin level went from 17.5 to 14.4 to 11.9. By Monday, April 28 he was considered recovered and the pediatrician said he could go back to breastfeeding.

During his four days on formula I had become concerned again about our future with nursing. The last tip on my breasfeeding notes had read: Wait four weeks before introducing the bottle. (As many babies will never take the breast again once learning how much easier the bottle is.) Logan was introduced to the bottle at exactly ONE week old.

Also, after leaving the hospital I did not have access to an electric pump. I had a manual, as I had only planned on pumping to relieve engorgement or on a rare day that I was away from Logan--which would have been fine if I hadn't had to cease nursing those four days. Just because I couldn't nurse, didn't mean that milk didn’t still need to be released. As I mentioned before, the combination of Logan not getting enough breastmilk when he did nurse (due to his sleepiness) with me not pumping enough inbetween his feedings, decreased my milk supply.

The good news was that he remembered how to breastfeed when he took to it again after formula, but the bad news was that I definitely didn’t have enough milk for him. Sure enough, he was never satisfied. So, I bought an electric pump (when he was almost two weeks old) and began pumping (in addition to nursing) and putting my breastmilk in a bottle because I could get more to Logan that way since he was still falling asleep every time and had never made it to the recommended twenty minutes. My pediatrician also recommended I buy More Milk Plus, an herb to help with lactation, which I did on the day of his two week check-up, Friday, May 2nd.

Both the pump and the herb worked. Within two weeks (when Logan was 4 weeks old) I'd finished the More Milk Plus and my milk supply had gone from 1-2 ounces (both breasts combined) after 20 min. of pumping to 7 ounces these days. (FYI: Newborns generally need 2-3 oz. every 2-4 hours, by one month old they should be eating 4 oz every 4 hrs, and by six months usually 6-8 oz. 4-5 times a day. Logan is 7.5 weeks old and still eating every two hours, but wanting 4 oz each feeding.)

I really thought during "week three" I was going to get burnt out. The lactation consultants were calling me daily to check in and give me advice, which was wonderful. . .but one day I broke down in tears on the phone because I didn't think I had anymore energy, as I was both pumping and feeding EACH twelve times a day, which meant I wasn't getting any breaks in 24 hours!!!!

I was glad that from Logan's perspective everything was great (we hadn't had to formula-feed him since his second week of life, so he was at least getting breastmilk each time), but I had always planned on nursing for 9 months to a year--now that thought seemed way too exhausting and draining!

It was nice that Joe and others could help out with Logan's feedings (especially in the middle of the night), but I couldn't help but feel like a failure since bottle-feeding hadn't been my ideal. I remembered how when I wrote the Preparing to Breastfeed blog I had felt so strongly about wanting to work as hard as I could to breastfeed. I'd written: "It is important for me to not give up if the going gets tough."

So, I started talking to women I know who had breastfed successfully to find out if they had any suggestions before I threw in the towel. Kendra said it often takes six weeks even for women without problems--so not to make any decisions until then. Lisa P had recommended undressing Logan when he fell asleep in the middle of his feedings to wake him up. Kim talked to me for an hour on the phone. I began to have new motivation. After hearing and reading so many success stories, I realized that the majority had dealt with at least one difficulty and had still ended up breastfeeding easily in the end. It was not too late for Logan & me, we weren't a lost cause, there was still hope. Despite the setbacks, there were also a lot of great signs that we were still on the right track. I hadn’t been aware that breastfeeding is just often something that takes a couple of months to get going. (No wonder it is the first topic written about in the popular What to Expect The First Year, which I'm currently reading.)

In fact, my mom even pointed out that she & I had gotten off to a similar start. As a premie, I'd had to be in the hospital for a month which meant I could only have breastmilk in a bottle (since premies generally are unable to nurse). When she brought me home, she had to wean me off the bottle and so I was fed both formula and put at the breast (because she didn't have a pump at home), and pretty soon I was just breastfeeding for six months. That helped me take the pressure off myself. I realized that being on both the breast AND the bottle hadn't been negative for either myself or my mom--and if that was my worst case scenerio with Logan, it would be alright. He would still get all of the antibodies and immunities and extra nutrients found in breastmilk, whether I gave it to him straight or pumped. And, if for some reason I couldn’t pump, I shouldn’t feel guilty for supplementing with formula as there is nothing "bad" about it.

Once I relaxed, there was more improvement: the pumps and bottles were cut in half--to six each a day! At a month old (May 18), half of the time Logan nursed flawlessly but the other half of the time he was still lazy. His sleepy time was also mine, as in the middle of the night I’d no sooner lay him down after he fell asleep while nursing, when he’d cry & indicate that he wanted more, but then fall asleep again, only to repeat the cycle every ten minutes--and so those were the times I'd end up giving him the bottle.

As he got farther away from when he had jaundice, I started noticing that he was getting more vigorous with both the breast AND bottle (despite the bottle being easier for babies, Logan had never acted like he loved it. In the beginning he didn't take it very well, and even after a month old he was sometimes slower on the bottle than on the breast--sometimes taking 40 min!)

So, after Sarah visited from Seattle, I had the energy again to try and cut down his bottles/pumps in half again—to 3 each a day! I finally understood what people meant when they'd asked, “Do you feel the let down?” I could tell the difference from when Logan was getting good milk and when he was just using me as a pacifier.

The downside was that he started getting more rough. He’d always been active while he ate, but now sometimes he pulls/yanks, bites with his gums, and digs his fingernails into my breasts!

Still, I knew it was worth it. As the six week mark approached (Friday, May 30th), my goal was to stop the bottles & pumps completely. The lactation consultants had stopped calling me, but their last advice had been that he might be relying on the bottle during his lazy hours and so the only way for him to rely on my breast instead was to not give him the bottle at all anymore. This meant I was probably going to have a rough week (because he’d get frustrated), but just as babies aren't going to overeat, they're not going to starve. (My cousin-in-law, Kim, said the same thing.) It was also going to require ME to not be lazy (so I’d need to continue to put him back to the breast even if he’d just been there ten minutes ago).

So, on Thurs, May 29th, I rented a movie, sat down on the couch, and decided I would just keep Logan to my breast for as long as he wanted—no matter how slow he was or how long it took—so as to get him used to not having the bottle during his sleepy hours.

Two-and-a-half hours later the movie was over, but he was not finished nursing!!! I was so bummed. My nipples were obviously sore and I felt like I had no more milk left. Worst of all, since I hadn't pumped all that day there was no breastmilk in a bottle to feed him when I finally broke his latch, and he began screaming for more. So, we had to resort to the formula sample we had left over from his jaundice. (Now I have a couple of bottles of breastmilk in the freezer for if there’s ever an emergency again.)

I felt better the next day when he weighed in at twelve pounds already (I didn't need to be worried anymore that he wasn't getting enough by just breastfeeding; it's hard to be confident when you've pumped and are able to see how much there is verses nursing—especially since my breasts often still felt full after breastfeeding but always felt empty after pumping). So I planned to go cold turkey on him again. . .except that for the next week he went through a growth spurt (as is common at this age). Going from three bottles to none last week was not going to work, since he suddenly wanted to eat every hour and was sometimes having up to 5 ounces at a time! Once again I began pumping and nursing continuously all day.

On the bright side, I've noticed the following from nursing more:

1) My breasts have finally gotten big. Not as huge as they were when they were engorged, but bigger than normal—so at least I can finally have that perk, lol.

2) Somehow Logan nursing on my right side has begun stimulating my left side so that it's producing more milk when I pump. (Still not the same as my right, but about half as much--which is an improvement.) Best of all, for the past week Logan has been taking the left side now for as long as five minutes (without the nipple shield)!

3) The more he nurses, I’ve had more spotting since my last post, which means I don't think pumping has the same benefits to contracting the uterus (i.e. making it smaller)

4) Finally, nursing more often has made my milk come out like a sprinkler system! On day twelve, my breasts started hurting and leaking if I was late for a feeding (for the first time), but by leaking I mean just a tiny drip. Now I can hardly get my bra unfastened before it's shooting straight out and I have to clamp Logan's mouth around it to prevent milk from getting everywhere! And, whichever breast I'm on, the other one is literally pumping out milk. So this has benefited Logan when he is sleepy and not nursing as well (it comes out easier for him). When he does nurse well, it tends to run out of his mouth because it’s flowing so fast and he can’t even always swallow it.

Breastfeeding is a lot messier than pumping, so I have to keep burp cloths nearby (plus, opposite of what some say, Logan spits up a lot more nursing than with the bottle. . .one night he actually threw up all over me three times in a row--spraying me--so I had to take off my drenched night gown & underwear, as well as his outfit). I think it’s because he prefers to take the bottle in a sitting up position but that’s harder to do while nursing.

This week he seems to be slowing back down as far as his frequency of eating/his growth spurt—and so tonight I'm going to try to go cold turkey on him again! He's seven-and-a-half weeks old and we are so close to having this issue not be one anymore. Nine times out of ten Logan nurses excellent nowadays. He appears to prefer breastfeeding to the bottle, as he tries to do it anytime I'm holding him, wraps his hands (and even sometimes feet) around my breasts and cuddles close, makes noises, and smiles :-) I prefer breastfeeding as well, not only for the bonding experience, but because it's easier, more convenient, and takes less time. (Plus, I don't feel like a cow like I do when pumping, haha.) Also, I'm getting tired of washing bottles all of the time.

I'm glad that Logan can do both because the bottle is convenient when we're on a trip, for example, over the weekend we went to Iowa but with his growth spurt it would have been extra stressful to nurse without the time and environment on my side—so Logan did have mostly breastmilk-bottles. But I want to know that on a typical day at home I don't have to rely on pumping/a bottle AT ALL anymore—that he can nurse at anytime (and my milk supply won't dry up). I believe we're almost there. On Saturday night the electricity went out and so I couldn’t pump during those hours, and yet he nursed flawlessly during his usual sleepy time. (Another benefit to breastfeeding--it's always there, even in times of emergency.)

So, I'm keeping a video diary for the next 24 hours to hold me accountable (especially since this might mean I'll have to be up all night, so I've rented another movie). . .I’ve posted it at the end of this blog.

Otherwise, not a lot has happened in the week since my last post. My days are still zooming by. . . As I said earlier, Joe & I traveled with Logan for the very first time Friday thru Sunday (June 6-8) because my half brother came back to Iowa and I hadn't seen him since last year's Memorial Day weekend! Logan did really well on his first trip!

Joe golfed on Friday after work, so we didn't get to my dad & stepmom's house until almost 11 pm. My paternal grandma was also there, so everyone got to meet Logan for the first time (aside from my dad who had met him in the hospital).

On Sat. afternoon I was able to see my brother's DVDs that he's done while out in Hollywood the past year-and-eight months so that was very cool. Then, that evening/night Joe & I went to an old college friend's wedding reception.

My brother came back over on Sunday morning from his mom's house and we ate a yummy brunch. Finally, Joe & I went over to my mom & stepdad's house for a couple of hours before heading back to Omaha.

While at the wedding reception I talked with a girl who expressed interest in natural childbirth so I told her about HypnoBirthing because she wasn't familiar with it--but couldn't wait to now buy the book. I'm glad I can "pay it forward." :)

There had been a tornado in Omaha while we were gone which did damage to some homes, but fortunately ours is okay. We did pass a chemical explosion on the interstate, though. Apparently a semi blew up—and we came upon it right as the firetrucks were first arriving, so we were delayed a bit getting home. Thankfully, no one was injured.

Tonight Joe and I went out to eat. It was nice to dress up and go out on our first date since Logan was born!

Afterwards, I gained the courage to try something my doctor had given me the “okay” for ten days ago. . .but it was only ¼ success. In other words, it looks like there’s going to be another post-pregnancy challenge. :/ I knew my luck would run out after 4 hrs of pushing and a quicker-than-average recovery (not feeling any soreness after three days, bleeding after a week, and looking exactly back to normal "down there" when I looked after one week). But last night made up for that. . .um, to warn you the first time after baby is worse than giving birth!

BUT ANYWAY--here is my cheesy breastfeeding video diary. (Notice how Logan smiles when I say that we’re just going to only breastfeed for the next 24 hours, haha!) I apologize for my appearance, this was not a hair & make-up day!!!!!!

Strong Baby

This was originally written on Sunday, April 27, 2008:

Great News! Yesterday Logan's jaundice level was 11.9 so it was the first day all week we didn't have to go to the hospital or pediatrician's office. Anything under ten is considered recovered! (Logan's first week with jaundice can be read about under my Newborn's First Week blog.) So, we were able to take him off of the blanket/machine and if everything is good on Monday then he will be able to breastfeed 100% again and start his "normal" life! His weight had also risen to 7 lbs, 9 oz so he is almost back to his birth weight. It usually takes babies two weeks, but we are confident he'll be 7 lbs, 13 oz again before that. :-)
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This was originally written on Tuesday, April 29, 2008:

Logan is officially recovered from jaundice! Sunday we didn't even have to have a home healthcare nurse come out; we just took him to the pediatrician on Monday and were told that all is well! His weight was 7 lbs, 11 1/4 oz. so he should have no problem being back to his birth weight (or higher) by his two-week check-up this Thursday.

Today & tomorrow we're weaning him off of the bottle (i.e. he's breastfeeding again except for three times a day getting breast milk in a bottle just to make sure he's getting enough--so I finally bought an electric pump [Medela's Pump In Style Advanced]; I get 1.5 oz in 20 minutes), but by Thursday we will only give him the breast. Especially since by Friday my milk should be at the "flowing phase," which will make it easier on Logan (I hadn't known it takes two weeks before milk comes out easily) so he won't have to work as hard then--which means we shouldn't have to worry anymore about him getting enough as long as he has at least six urine and six stools a day. Fortunately, he has not experienced nipple confusion (as some this young do if introduced to the bottle) and has done excellent coming back to the breast after his hiatus.

Now that he's over his jaundice, he's like a different baby. In the beginning we had thought he might be cranky & demanding, but he's been the perfect little angel the past few days. He's so content and happy (he's starting to smile every now and then), and seems at total peace in my arms :-) We've been having so much fun with him!!!! I'm having the time of my life!!! He's my best buddy!!!

I used to think babies were scary, but there's no way I can be scared of something so innocent and sweet and precious. I'm surprised at how comfortable and natural being a mother has become. I'm sure things will get harder (the newborn phase seems the best to me--I don't need to worry about discipline, etc.), but right now life is easier/better than when we got our first dog three years ago! Of course I haven't been by myself yet (I had Joe last week and his mom this week; Dr. Phil always says being a stay-at-home mother is equivalent to having two full-time jobs so I'm prepared to have my work cut out for me at some point), but Logan sleeps 20 hrs a day (during his first few days he slept even more than that due to his jaundice--we even had to sometimes wake him up so he'd remember to eat but now he cries for food on the dot every two hours), so at least I don't feel like the chicken with my head cut off like I had imagined prior to his birth. There ARE breaks (with my dog Bella there weren't any for several weeks after we got her).

I'd also been worried about how life would change when we had a baby, but it hasn't changed in the way it did when I graduated high school, college, got married, or moved to Omaha. Those were actually harder changes because they were more drastic; one day I was living my old life and the next I was in a new life. This time I gradually transitioned throughout my pregnancy. Now the only difference from "my old life" is that there's a wonderful addition that makes it more meaningful and enjoyable. (Plus, this is so much better than being pregnant--HA HA!)

Hopefully things will continue this way once Sandi leaves tomorrow and I'm on my own (my mom & stepdad are coming next week). Thanks to her getting up in the night, I was actually able to get my first 8 hrs of sleep since giving birth (just not straight through).

After she arrived on Sunday Joe & his mom went to the grocery store which meant I was left alone with Logan for the very first time. I was nervous, especially since just minutes after they left Logan needed his diaper changed. As I was in the middle of the process, Logan started peeing (something he does pretty much every time we take off his diaper, go figure)--so I tried to catch the spray with a paper towel, but then it began running all over him and his sleep sack! While I was preoccupied with that, he let out a loud fart and poop began shooting (and I mean shooting) out of his butt! Ahhh!

I started laughing because it was so ridiculous you would have thought I was on a comedy show or something. So then I was trying to catch the poop, but it still squirted all over the changing pad and his clothes, and while I was trying to get him out of the mess, he started rolling in it. ICK!!! If anyone has any tips on how I am supposed to change his diaper without a mess each time (because this exact situation has happened again)--please tell!

Anyway. . .I will give you my update to things I posted on past blogs:

*My dream w/ my maternal grandpa was right--I did have Logan in April! Although my other dream with "4:30" wasn't accurate, since on the day I gave birth at 4:30 am I was in the middle of contractions at the hospital, and it wasn't on April 30th, either. HOWEVER, everything else about that particular dream was right--I did go into labor before my due date and I did wake up abruptly in the middle of the night and know FOR SURE that I was in labor.

*During my "Morning Sickness--No All Day Sickness" blog I mentioned that I was having a hard time talking Joe into taking me on a beach vacation next year. (Since we haven't been to a beach since our honeymoon in 2003.) Well, after Joe had seen me through my contractions and dilation, and two of the four hours of pushing, he said, "We can go on that beach vacation next year." I was too "in my zone" to acknowledge him at that point, but later that day I gave him a big grin and said, "I heard what you said!" Hehe :-) St. Lucia here we come!

*I forgot to mention that the home healthcare nurse who came over on Saturday happens to live around the block from us--so that's comforting!

*My stepdad's sister-in-law won our baby contest (she was the closest due date, 4/30, for those who guessed the gender correctly) and my stepdad's mom received second place! (She guessed a girl but chose the earliest date on the list, April 26th.)

*One of Joe's former co-workers had a baby boy on April 24th (6 days after Logan)--Jaxson was 8 lbs, 11 oz, and 22.75 inches long! We plan to get together for playdates, so I'm glad Logan will have a friend his age!

*As you probably assumed, I tested negative for the group B strep. (My doctor told me this as I began my pushing phase, lol.)

*If I thought my feet were swollen the week before I gave birth, I hadn't seen nothin'. Afterwards my feet looked like they were a balloon that someone had blown up! Fortunately, that only lasted a week and now all of my body parts actually seem tiny to me for the first time in my entire life!

And finally, Logan's umbilical cord fell off between Sunday and Monday. I'm assuming it came off in a diaper because we never saw it and that sounds a lot better than thinking one of our dogs ate it, lol.
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This was originally written on Thursday, May 1, 2008:

Today eight years ago Joe and I had our first date :-) Today this year I had my first full day alone with Logan and it actually turned out well! (It went fast, I really have nothing to report!) Then we took him to his two week pediatrician check-up (I can't believe that tomorrow he will be fourteen days old already!) and he weighed 8 lbs 3/4 oz--yeay--he surpassed his birth weight within the two week deadline! (Meanwhile I've lost 35 of the 42 lbs I gained while pregnant and haven't even exercised or tried to eat healthier yet--that is not my normal tendency!)

Before Sandi left yesterday she watched Logan while I went to go get my hair high lighted. After eight months of feeling very unattractive it felt nice to get a makeover. I'm still not allowed to color my hair while breastfeeding (and I have to continue to follow most of the other "do's and don'ts". . .I'll love the day I get to eat ceasar salads again!) but high lighting is supposedly okay. When I came home, Joe & I introduced Logan to our neighbors.

I'm still having to feed him both the breast and breastmilk in a bottle because it's still too hard for Logan to get enough milk just by nursing, so our pediatrician recommended I buy More Milk Plus at Whole Foods to increase my milk supply since it still hasn't gotten to the easily-flowing-phase (and I should be getting over 2 oz. now while pumping but I'm not). But, after the juandice experience I know that if slow nursing is my worst complaint as a mother, then things are going pretty well!

My Newborn's First Week

I'm picking up where I left off after Logan's birth story, which you can find under the October archives. This was originally written on Friday, April 25, 2008:

On Friday, April 18, 2008 after I gave birth and my doctor told me goodbye (she came to see me later that evening to inform me who was going to be on-call if I needed anything over the weekend), and Joe went to visit Logan in the nicu, I called my mom & stepdad, dad & stepmom, and Joe's mom to tell them they were grandparents! My mom had seen my blog that morning and had called four times between Joe & my phone, lol.

For the first two hours after Logan was born (at 10:30 am) I was recovering in the room I gave birth (#3), which meant the hospital staff tried to get me to eat (but I couldn't) and pee (but I couldn't, so unfortunately I experienced the lovely cathetar one time).

I had the best nurse ever (she was my third of the day; #2 was my least fav after she gave me a dirty look because she felt I should have had a c-section--I'm glad my doctor was the one in charge). So I was sad at 12:30 pm when I had to move from my "ideal room" to the smaller room where I'd be spending the next two days. I'd never stayed in a hospital before and was amazed that nurse #3 seemed to not mind doing so much for me and cleaning up after me. She was just so incredibly nice and easy-going about everything. Personally, I could never work in the medical field!

She helped me into a wheel chair down the hall to room 229, removed my hep loc, and said goodbye. Logan was brought into my room a couple of hours later so that I could hold him again and spend time with him. I also tried breastfeeding for the first time and was relieved that he took to it right away and that it didn't hurt at all.

My fourth nurse (who had assisted me once I got to my new room) left at 3 pm (when my mom & stepdad arrived), and my fifth nurse was another favorite (Kayla)--she helped me pee for the first time since going into labor, and then eat for the first time. I also took my first shower and she checked me periodically to make sure I was healing and that my uterus was going down in size. (She showed me how I could feel it, too--there was a little knot by my belly button!)

Joe's mom arrived between 4:30-5:00, after stopping at our house to let the dogs out. We all sat around and talked and everyone held Logan for the next few hours. Then my mom & stepdad checked into a hotel and Sandi went to our house to stay with our dogs.

My sixth nurse (Stephanie) worked from 7 pm to 7 am, so she came in regularly for my checks and also so I could breastfeed Logan every two hours. Joe & my sleep was scattered on Friday night. I'd never done something so exhuasting/tiring in my life as giving birth, and yet once you have a baby you're not really allowed to sleep afterwards. . .for months! If you put our choppy minutes of sleep together, somehow we both managed to get a total of six hours--which was wonderful. Except, at first whenever I closed my eyes I kept seeing images of that morning and feeling my doctor twist Logan! :-( (That had been what hurt the most during childbirth.) The whole thing seemed like a dream. Looking back now my experience seems more scary to me than it did at the time. Even though I did what I was supposed to with the HypnoBirthing, I'm amazed I actually remained so calm (that's not my usual tendency, lol). But thank goodness I did. HypnoBirthing saved me from having a 30 hr labor (as well as any painful back labor), which is very common for posterior babies. (For those interested in HypnoBirthing you can read my blog about it here.) I've since learned I was really lucky to have such a fast labor--3 hrs before the pushing phase, not to mention able to handle the EXTRA pain that the posterior position causes. Here's what the internet says:

Occiput Posterior occurs in 15-30% of labors. When the baby is in a posterior position, the bony part of the head is pressed against the bony part of the pelvis. The pressure of the contractions pushes the head into the pelvis and can cause tremendous back pain. Some women feel the pressure even between contractions.

Because the posterior position puts bone near bone, it is more difficult for the baby to fit into the pelvis. Posterior babies generally require longer labors, and if the baby persists in a posterior position, second stage may be longer than average as well. This can be fatiguing for a woman. Mothers whose babies are face-up at birth tend to push longer, need oxytocin (Pitocin) more often, and have a significantly higher risk of having an assisted vaginal delivery or a c-section.

Those who do give birth vaginally have a higher rate of episiotomy and severe perineal lacerations than women whose babies are in the more favorable face-down position, even after you account for the higher rate of forceps and vacuum-assisted delivery. Midwives have long advocated assuming a hands-and-knees position to let gravity help rotate the heavier back of the baby toward your abdomen and hopefully move the baby to the anterior position.
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So, hopefully with my next pregnancy my baby will be anterior and I can have another vaginal delivery with HypnoBirthing. I've heard that girls are generally smaller, so maybe if I have a girl and she's 6 lbs and anterior, she will be able to fit easily through my pelvis--and also my pelvis shouldn't be as tight now. (UPDATE: I've since researched this subject even more and learned how to avoid another posterior baby. Click here to read my other blogs about this: Part One. Part Two. Part Three.) Most importantly, I don't want my next baby to go through trauma, as this week with Logan has been bad/scary/sad enough. (More on that in a minute.)

On Saturday morning Joe & I went to an hour newborn class at our hospital and then my mom & stepdad came back over from their hotel. The doctor on call was the one who ended up circumsizing Logan, which wasn't as bad as I'd thought. It was only sad those first couple of hours, but by the next day he no longer acted like it hurt when we put ointment on it, and by the third day it was completely healed and looked perfect. (There's no medical reason to do them nowadays, but I took one look at what an uncircumsized one looks like, thanks to google, and now I know why they say the reason to do them is aesthetic. :~ Since most boys in the Midwest are circumsized we didn't want Logan to be singled out when he's older. . .we'd let him look nice "down there.")

My dad came to the hospital for the first time right afterward (my stepmom was in Michigan visiting her other grandchildren), so when he met Logan he was a bit fussy; the nurses had been saying that he was very strong-willed with a dominant personality and had the best set of lungs in the whole nursery (for someone who wasn't breathing when they came out, he was the loudest screamer)! One nurse said that I didn't seem to be like that and asked if my husband was. Definitely not, lol. Sounds like my doctor's prediction while I was pregnant with Logan might be correct--the nurses all said they believe he will be a leader and a perfectionist. He's going to let everyone know exactly what he wants and won't settle for anything less. We will see if these people are right as the years go by. It is good when it comes to his diaper. Since I can't smell (due to head injuries as a child), he's the perfect baby for me--he screams whenever it needs changing, haha!

Meanwhile, a lactation consultant came to see how I was doing with breastfeeding. I can definitely see how women get frustrated. Apparently I have everything going for me, but it's still not easy. Sometimes he'll do great and I'll start to feel confident with nursing, and then the next time he won't get any milk all. (Our pediatrician says he is, what is called, "a lazy eater.") But overall I am loving it--I never knew what mothers meant when they said it's a bonding experience, but it really is--it's so special!

Joe had gone back to the house to get some things and to eat lunch with his mom, and then they came to my hospital room so we were all together with Logan. My dad headed back to Iowa before supper, and then my mom & stepdad went to eat, while Sandi, Joe, Logan, and I hung out in my room until my parents came back and then everyone left for the night around 8 pm.

Joe and I were required by the state of Nebraska to watch two videos: one on SIDS and one on shaken baby syndrome, so we watched those as well as some others on the hospital's channel. I'd had my seventh nurse all that day (Mel) and then Stephanie came back for overnight. I only got about 4 hrs of sleep, so on Sunday I was running on adrenaline. (Joe didn't sleep well either; he said his back hurt after spending two nights on the little "couch" but I told him I wasn't going to feel sorry for him! :p I'm sure that's how hospitals can get by with not having a comfortable place for the husbands to sleep--who's going to complain after what the mothers just went through?! Haha.)

I ate breakfast and put on normal clothes for the first time since giving birth (maternity pants and a shirt I had brought in my suitcase--I was smart enough not to even attempt my pre-pregnancy clothes yet). Then I packed everything and was ready to leave. I have to admit I didn't want to go. I'd been taken care of so well at the hospital by all of the nurses and I knew they "had my back" with Logan--any question I had could immediately be answered (the night before, Mel had taught Joe & I how to change a diaper because neither of us had ever done it before). Now I was going to have to leave and be completely on my own. Scary! I actually cried a bit once my eighth nurse (Dawn) went through all of the discharge procedures and we put Logan into his carseat to go home.

The pediatrician on call looked at him and said he was healthy with the exception of some jaundice (his biliruben count was 13), but that was to be expected after getting bruised in the birth canal. (It usually shows up in either premies, or term babies that have had bruising during birth.) I hadn't thought it was anything to be concerned about since I'd had it as a baby (serious enough to almost need a blood transfusion) and I turned out fine, and the level has to be 30 to cause brain damage, hearing loss, and other side effects. So, we left the hospital thinking that was that.

I sat in the backseat with Logan (who slept the whole way home) and when we pulled into our driveway, Sandi was standing outside with a "It's A Boy" sign & balloon and a stork hanging on our garage. :-) Inside, on our table she had a cake, trail mix, a stuffed stork for the dogs, a big horse balloon, a bottle bank and two DVDs! My mom & stepdad had also given us a balloon and my dad & stepmom had given us a Baby Einstein toy, so Logan is spoiled already. :-)

I followed "the rules" of walking into the house without Logan to greet the dogs and give them my love & attention before introducing them. They have done excellent. I really wasn't worried because they are not aggressive dogs, but I didn't know what to expect since they hadn't ever been around babies before. Bella always gently walks up to Logan with her tail wagging and sniffs him. Cosmo likes to just sit and watch him, or perch on our couch so he can look into Logan's pack n play.

We thanked our parents for their help over the weekend and then they drove back to Iowa. Joe and I looked at the pictures and video we had taken at the hospital and went to bed. . .for a few minutes. Logan woke us up every hour!!!! Our sleep was in minutes at a time. In the end, those minutes equaled two hours for the both of us. At one point Joe was changing Logan's diaper as he was wiggling and screaming (Logan is super strong--he fights so hard against me I sometimes worry I'm going to break his arm or leg), and Joe said in an exasperated voice, "You're going to be a handful!"

For me, I haven't found it stressful but rather emotional to watch Logan get so worked up (his face turns red, his mouth opens as wide as possible, his arms and legs writhe all around--and then there's the tortorous scream). At the hospital one of the nurses had told me not to let him make ME cry--she knew he had that kind of cry and she was right. At first it did, but now I know that it will pass as soon as whatever is going on is over (his mood changes from night to day in a split second).

On Monday we had our first pediatrician appt. at 11 am, so we put Logan in a cute little outfit and headed off. His weight had dropped from 7 lbs, 13.7 oz to 6 lbs, 15 oz which at first made me feel like a bad mother (had I not given him enough to eat?) but I learned it is normal for newborns during their first week to lose 10% of their birth weight (Logan lost 11% in three days). So I was instructed to feed him as much as possible (babies can't overeat--that's a learned thing that doesn't happen until the age of 2-3) or else we'd have to supplement formula. They then gave him another jaundice test and we said goodbye. While we were on the road, the pediatrician's office called with bad news. Logan's biliruben score was at 21. Anything over 20 meant he needed to be hospitalized. I burst into tears. They said to immediately admit him for the night. I couldn't believe it--Logan had actually been the least fussy he'd ever been that day (by now it was around 2 pm)--he seemed so healthy!

We went to the front desk and gave them our information. A nurse had told me when I was in the hospital to expect my emotions to be a rollercoaster upon leaving, so this news made my hormones even more sensitive. I couldn't even get a sentence out without crying uncontrollably. We were taken to a temporary room because all of the main rooms were full, but they had an incubator in there and so Logan was immediately put under phototherapy lights and on IV fluids. That was how we spent the next seven hours. Joe went home to get our suitcases again (while I just sat by my baby's side) and then at 9 pm we were given our permanent room. We were able to get six hours of sleep, which felt wonderful to me on Tuesday morning. Logan's biliruben count had dropped to 15.4 so they said he'd be able to be released later that day (anything below 16 was good enough to go home) with a fiberoptic blanket for a couple of days that is hooked to a machine called a wallaby. His weight had also gone up to 7 lbs, 2 oz. While we waited to be discharged, lactation consultants came to check on me. Thanks to more helpful tips, breastfeeding got even better. My milk had started to come in on Monday and so my breasts were hurting really bad on Tuesday. Fortunately, the hospital let me use their top-of-the-line breast pump to help with the engorgement phase. I got spoiled, as back when I took my breastfeeding class we'd been told that our hospital was going to give us Medela's Manual Harmony pump so that was all I'd planned to use (since I don't work outside the home, pumping wasn't going to be an every day occurance). But I haven't been able to get any relief from the manual compared to the Medela Symphony Dual Pump.

Joe and I were glad to return home that evening. . .Logan slept a lot better than he had during our other night at home. He wasn't fussy at all. He didn't scream once and actually looked around and seemed alert and content. I loved holding him and rocking him in our recliner that night. Every day I've grown to love him more. It's not that I didn't love him immediately when he came out, but he really was a stranger. Being "connected" doesn't happen immediately. Over the past several days I keep getting to know him and am growing so attached and close to him now. That's the worst part about being a parent--this love is dangerous; I can't stand the thought of anything bad ever happening to him! He's so precious.

He's also gotten cute! :-) When his weight had dropped he had lost his chubby cheeks but now they are back and are adorable. We really can't tell who he takes after at this point. Aside from Joe's dark, thick hair, he doesn't really look like either of us! He often reminds me of my maternal grandfather, though (expressions he makes) so we'll see if Logan's features become more obvious as he gets older.

When Logan was in the incubator I totally recognized him from the ultrasound that I had in December. For the past four months I had replayed that day over and over in my mind because it had been so special to see Logan's mannerisms, etc. He moves the exact same way now!!!! It's also funny to see how active he is even when sleeping. Joe was watching him in the incubator kick his legs and punch his arms and was like "wow!" I said, "Tell me about it--I know exactly what those moves feel like from inside of me!"

That night I got about 4 hours of sleep. On Wednesday morning, a home healthcare nurse came over to check Logan. His weight was 7 lbs, 3 oz so that was good (he'd gained an ounce). . .but his biliruben score had risen to 17.3. We'd been told that it would probably raise a little when we got home, but then it should drop again once and for all--for good. Here's the info that we received about jaundice:

Over half of all newborns develop some amount of jaundice, a yellow coloring in their skin, during the first week. This is usually a temporary condition, caused by the breakdown of red blood cells. As the old cells are broken down, hemoglobin is changed into bilirubin and removed by the liver. The build-up of bilirubin in the blood is called hyperbilirubinemia. Because bilirubin has a pigment, or coloring, it causes a yellowing of the baby's skin and tissues. As liver function matures, the jaundice goes away. Although low levels of bilirubin are not usually a concern, large amounts can circulate to tissues in the brain and may cause seizures and brain damage. This is a condition called kernicterus. Symptoms of jaundice may include: yellow coloring of the baby's skin (and whites of the eys) and poor feeding or lethargy. Treatment includes phototherapy, fiberoptic blanket, exchange transfusion, discontinued breastfeeding. While jaundice cannot be totally prevented, early recognition and treatment are important in preventing bilirubin levels from rising to dangerous levels.
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As the day went by on Wednesday, Logan seemed to get more and more lethargic. He barely opened his eyes over a 24 hour period. No matter how much we stimulated him, he would not wake up. Also, his skin and eyes looked more yellow. We decided we better call our pediatrician, who then told us to go back to the hospital. My tears flowed again.

We were admitted to Emergency where they checked Logan's bilirubin again. We were soooo relieved when it came back 16.7--meaning it'd gone down from that morning! We didn't regret wanting to be safe than sorry, so we came home in good spirits. When the home healthcare nurse came over on Thursday morning we weren't expecting the emotional rollercoaster to continue. Originally they'd thought we'd be able to take him off of the blanket by Friday. But he hadn't gained any weight (still 7 lbs, 3 oz) and a couple of hours later we received a phone call from our pediatrician's office saying that Logan's level had risen again!!!! It was 17.5 and so he wanted us to come in so that he could check out Logan. We had been on our way out the door to tell Jenn (our neighbor) the news of Logan's birth when the phone rang. (I went over there later by myself with leftover cake.) I couldn't believe it. There hadn't been a day since Logan was born that we didn't have to go to the hospital!

Fortunately, Logan didn't have to be admitted again, but unfortunately I was told that I must cease breastfeeding for 24 hours. Apparently breast milk makes jaundice worse! I guess diseases are the only time that it's not "breast is best." :-( This was disappointing to me because you aren't supposed to introduce a bottle for 4 weeks if you want to breastfeed, so I was worried that Logan may never nurse again. But my first priority was to get rid of the jaundice so that he wouldn't have brain damage. Therefore, we fed him only formula from yesterday evening thru today. The healthcare nurse came over this morning to check him again. His weight had increased to 7 lbs, 5 oz--yeay! We didn't find out his biliruben level until we got to our pediatrician's office at 1 pm (our doctor is off for the weekend but had made us an appt. with his partner). Great news: 14.4!

Our pediatrician's partner said to continue the formula and fiberoptic blanket until Monday--both she and our pediatrician are confident that by then Logan will be completely rid of the jaundice. She also said it's okay if twice a day I breastfeed. The lactation consultants have called me every day since we left the hospital and so I told them about having to feed Logan formula. They recommended that when I give him a bottle, I do it topless so as to keep the skin-on-skin contact. They don't like or agree with formula-feeding, but said that if Logan doesn't take to my breast after Monday I can come in and they'll help me get back to breastfeeding. I pray that he does on his own because, like I said before, he actually did it right away the day he was born, unlike so many newborns--especially those with jaundice (because it makes them too lazy to suck well)--it'd be cruel for Logan to stop because of having to formula-feed for a few days in order to recover from jaundice!

On the bright side, I was able to get 7 hrs (the most in a week) of sleep last night, since Joe could help out with Logan's feedings. Also, his mom is planning to stay with us Sunday thru Wednesday, and she said she could take the night shift on Sunday night so that both of us can sleep all the way through for the first time. My mom is coming the following week. Originally, Sandi was going to come tomorrow and Joe & I were going to go out and celebrate our anniversary (4/26 is our big #5), but after this week we feel we have enough to celebrate here just staying at home with Logan. We'll always remember this anniversary fondly!

I am dreading Joe going back to work on Monday. He said he'd wait until after Logan's pediatrician appt that day--just to make sure that Logan is fully recovered from the jaundice, but I know I'm going to cry again. I have leaned on him so much this past week, I can't imagine doing it on my own. We'd both thought that this past week would be fun--learning our new routine together, etc. Instead, we've had to put all of that on hold due to the jaundice. Even pictures have been at a minimum because there's not many I can take since he's still hooked to the machine. Hopefully next week I can--and have an announcement made. It's too bad Logan's had to go through this, but I know things could be worse. He will recover soon.

As for me, after exactly one week, I can't believe it, but I am fully recovered! I was scared this morning to look at my episiotomy for the first time, thinking things might never look the same down there--but you'd never be able to tell I had a baby one week ago after four hours of pushing! I don't regret the episiotomy because I am completely healed and back to normal, and have even stopped bleeding from childbirth. I leave Joe in the dust again when walking, and I've lost 29 of the 42 lbs I gained while pregnant. Recovery was not bad at all.

I can't believe that a week has already passed since Logan entered the world. I am taking in every moment so that it does not go too fast--I don't want to miss anything!

(Note: I removed the video of Logan's first breath & cry because I was getting hits from strange people.)