What A Night

This was originally written on Tuesday, January 20, 2009:

This is an update/continuation from yesterday, where I said that we are having a weird week -- I don't know what's causing my son's sudden change in behavior from easy to fussy.

Despite the title of today's post, Logan was not that bad during the night. He only woke up once (at 1 am). The problem was that we ended up being awake for a full hour!!! Yes, I know I can't complain since it's only the fifth time since he was two weeks old that we've lost sleep being up with him (i.e. the other nights he's woken up since then it's only been 2-5 minutes)--my frustration & exhaustion is because he refused to nurse! There was only one other day in his life that he resisted the breast and that was a week before he turned 5 months old (I mentioned it in my post titled, My Son's Fifth Month). Just like this week, he'd been fussy all of that day -- those who read that post might remember we even fed Logan with a dropper so that he'd get 6 oz. of milk in a 24 hr period. He didn't get his first teeth for another month so I'm still not sure what caused that episode, but the good news was that he was back to normal the next day.

This time I'm not so sure. He had not been interested in nursing when we put him down at 8:30 last night (so Joe fed him a bottle of formula) and so my breasts were full. I was happy about this because it meant that my milk supply had improved since a couple of weeks ago when I could have easily stopped nursing without my body even caring. But my happiness quickly turned to despair when at 1 AM my breasts were engorged--as in seriously painful. Um, so pump, right?

Yeah. . .I'm an idiot. I said in my post, 9 Months Old (Next Week) that not only did I put my pump away on January 10th, but I threw away a couple of parts that were seriously yucky. As I was dropping them into the trash can, I hesitated. I remembered how after I threw away my nipple shields in October (because I hadn't used them since Logan was a couple of weeks old), I had the sores and could have benefited from them. I had told myself never to throw anything away again unless I was sure I'd never need it. But I thought about our entire journey with breastfeeding. . .there was simply no reason for me to pump ever again . . .so in the trash the parts went.

It never crossed my mind that Logan might not want to nurse when my breasts were full! (How ironic that in yesterday's post I said that we were free of problems in this area this week.)

I tried to hand pump for the first time, but that was not good enough. So, Joe got up and found my manual pump (which I hadn't used since Logan was two weeks old) and while I was crying he went to work. He put a piece of masking tape over the little valve that's usually covered in order for the pump to work. My hero! Although it was incredibly slow (don't waste your money on a manual pump--this was only the second time I'd ever used it)--I was able to get six ounces--whew!

Then, Logan, who was still up and refusing my breast drank the bottle! I had thought maybe it was my breastmilk, but nope, he went right back to sleep after that and slept until 7 this morning.

I was shocked to find that my breasts were painfully engorged again when I woke up! I think the past week of "whatever is going on" that has been causing Logan to wake up 4 times a night to breastfeed increased my milk supply! But he still wouldn't nurse this morning, so I used my fake manual again and got about 4 oz. which, once again, he drank in a bottle. I've continued to put him to the breast every hour but he arches his back, turns his head, and starts crying--clearly he doesn't want it. If he refuses the breast before bed this evening then I know even if I use my manual pump again my milk supply is going to go back down--to nothing. Maybe he's weaning himself??? He always seemed like he would nurse at night the rest of his life if he could!

I still have 5 bags of breastmilk left in the freezer so I'm thinking maybe I'll save those for the day he has surgery so that he gets breastmilk that day. . .but in the weeks until February 19th we might have to go all formula, as this week may end up being my last week for Logan getting fresh breastmilk. Then again, how many times have I thought the end was before? As always, we will see. . .

Since Logan did sleep the best he had in a week, I was hoping maybe he'd be back to his easy-going self today. . .but he was cranky all morning. :( I kept trying to put him down for a nap, but he refused his morning nap like the past two days. On Sunday night I'd taken a warm, relaxing bath with him for the first time because that was recommended in the book I mentioned yesterday. I'd never seen him so calm in my life! So, I decided to do that again today and it worked! I turned on my Plumb CD (the one I mentioned in My Birthday in the ER post, that has lyrics about being a mom) and we had mother-son bonding time, as that's where I always felt it the most when I was pregnant (I'd always stare at my stomach--and now I was staring right at him)! He was so peaceful and serene. . .I wrapped him in a big comfy towel and put him in his bumbo chair while I got into the shower to take a real one. Even though he's been used to sitting outside my shower since was born (so I can get ready while he sits in a bumbo with a toy), lately he gets antsy sooner than later--but today he was so quiet! Still, I cleaned quickly and when I turned off the shower and opened the door I saw the sweetest site: his head was dropped to his chest, sound asleep! I picked him up and carried him to his crib. . .and he's still there sleeping two hours later!

I'm sure he'll wake up any minute so I'll bring this to a close now. I'm really hoping when he wakes up his fussy week will be over. I gave him some Tylenol because that had worked when he refused the breast at four months old, but I'm still not exactly sure what has been the cause of all of this. My stepdad found a good article on babycenter about how it's very common at this age for babies to develop night terrors/nightmares. Many of you might remember from posts last summer/fall that Logan often had bad dreams for his first five months. It occured to me the other day that maybe he still does and I just don't know it since he always sleeps in his crib now. Back when he slept in his carseat I could hear his little sounds easier than now in his room with the door closed. So this definitely could be his deal lately--it seems like it's the same thing, only he's getting more upset which wakes himself up (whereas before he kept sleeping).

The article also lists my theory on separation anxiety which I still think might be the cause since he displayed the first signs during the day this same week (and Stacy--the mother of Logan's little friend Jaxson who is the same age--said that he has suddenly been screaming in his crib, too).

But I think there has to be an additional reason since he's not been his self during the day. If the reason is teething, it's strange that he's reacting this time but only has once out of his six other teeth. He was so happy every day of his 8th month and that's when four came in! The next ones are supposedly on each side of his two bottom teeth, but I can't see any buds yet.

And, seems like if it was a stomach ache then he wouldn't drink the bottles (and he hasn't been constipated or had any gas). I hope our pediatrician can provide us with a solution at his 9 month check-up tomorrow.

Oh--I forgot to mention in yesterday's post that when Joe and I went to the movie on Friday a group of kids sat next to us and for the first half-an-hour would not stop talking! They were getting up, getting down, leaving the theater, coming back, laying on the floor, laughing, hitting each other, and looking through their phone! The people on the other side of us moved and the couple in front of us kept giving them dirty looks (which we were, too). But they didn't get the hint. I thought to myself, okay I don't get out much, you're not going to ruin the one night I get to see a movie! So I went and got the theater cop who told them that if they didn't stop then they'd be escorted out! They didn't make another sound the entire film! Go me :)

The Fussy Baby Book

This was originally written on Monday, January 19, 2009:

(*NOTE: Even though I read this book during Logan's 9th month, and the book has helpful tips through the age of five, I only recommend this book for parents with babies 6 months & younger. If your baby is older than that and has usually been easy but suddenly seems fussy - relax, it is likely they are just going through a phase that will pass!!! That was the case for my son when I wrote this post - whew!)

I just finished reading a SUPER GOOD BOOK. In a future post, I'm going to devote an entire page to this book (Update: you can find it HERE). The book is called The Fussy Baby Book by William Sears, M.D. and Martha Sears, R.N. It is the book I mentioned after Christmas that I received from Joe's mom. As I've said before, Logan isn't a fussy baby but "month 7" was my hardest and least favorite of all of his months. One day I was so overwhelmed because I had absolutely no idea what was making Logan fussy that day or how to get him to return to normal. Believe it or not, I hadn't ever read any actual parenting books and I was confused with all of the conflicting information I'd been hearing from others, on TV, and reading in magazines & on the internet. Just like when I was pregnant, that's what prompted me to finally take charge and figure it all out for myself what I wanted and what worked best for us.

So, when Sandi asked for another Christmas idea for me, inbetween Logan's cries that day I googled, "best parenting book"--and this was one that came up. Of course since it was a "bad day," that's why my eyes focused on this title over the others. Without even reading anything about it (other than seeing it had been rated highly), I added it to my Christmas list. Thankfully, Logan didn't have any fussy days after that (his 8th month was one of my favorites as I said in my last post)--but he has the past few days as he's transitioned into "month 9." So, on Saturday I picked up The Fussy Baby Book . . .and couldn't put it down! I lost count of how many times I said, "This is such a good book!"

Until now I've been doing everything on an instinctual basis which is exactly what the book teaches a mother to do. The reason why I thought Logan was easy during his first three months is because I had no information in my head--I was just using my heart. Once he was about 4 months old and went on to a more active phase, I froze and assumed I needed to look elsewhere for help. But what a lot of society is doing doesn't fit for Logan and me, and so I've kind of done a dance since then--where I'm still doing whatever seems right to me at the time but then second guessing it later. It's easier to get overwhelmed if you're insecure.

Well I can tell you there will be no second-guessing anymore! I have the most trusted, respected, and famous pediatricians in America on my side (the same family who wrote The Vaccine Book; I first made reference to it in my post titled 4 Months Old, and another son is currently on the show The Doctors) as well as countless studies and research provided in the book. I love the new confidence I feel with being a mother after reading this book in just 48 hrs (that amount of time is a huge deal nowadays).

For one, it confirms so many things that I've already been naturally doing "right," and has given me knowledge and encouragement in the areas where I wasn't sure.

The reason why I put the word right in quotes is because that means right for me--not necessarily right for everyone. That's why I like this book because the main message is to do what works best for you & your baby. Of course they state very clear their ideas of what is typically best for all babies, but they also know that some babies & parents aren't going to fit--and that's okay. There are a couple of things which they promoted didn't/doesn't work for Logan & me (co-sleeping and baby wearing would have had to be forced for us which means it wasn't meant to be)--but 98% of their view clicks like a last missing puzzle piece!

I've written a few posts where I've talked about "attachment parenting" (Preparing For Brachial Cleft Fistula Surgery, My Son's Fifth Month, and Giving Sleeping Plan A Try )--this book is 100% pro attachment parenting. I also mentioned after Christmas that I'd asked for & received Becoming Baby Wise. I am going to read that one now, too, just to get a different perspective--but it sounds like it may be the complete opposite approach. If that's true, then I'll probably be throwing my copy away because nothing has ever felt so right and so good than following the advice found in The Fussy Baby Book. Best of all, I've been in so much better spirits when Logan has been "fussy" this week because so many things make sense to me now. I've often heard that we learn things at exactly the right time--and that's how I feel right now. I think this was the perfect time for me to read this book.

While it is especially geared towards "high-need babies" (which thankfully most days Logan isn't), I think all parents can benefit because what baby/child is never fussy? That is why I wanted this book--I wanted tips on how to cope & deal with the days I find parenting hard--but I also received just regular day-to-day parenting stuff. Apparently a lot of the same information is found in The Baby Book, so I plan to read that Sears book in the future as well. (They have a ton of books, which can be found here: AskDrSears.com)

Oprah had a show back in September about the common problem of mothers overworking themselves (in The Fussy Baby Book they call it "mother burnout")--she actually had on sad stories of how this can be fatal (one mom accidentally left her baby in the hot car and it died, another baby nearly choked, etc.) Lately I've started feeling like I'm on my way to getting burned out for the first time (there have only been two other times in Logan's life that I even felt like I needed a break; the first being August and the second being November) but I have been pushing past this normal and unavoidable feeling--but thankfully I've now stopped myself so that it won't interfere with my job as a mom. Just doing little things like getting my massage, going shopping, and reading have had an amazing effect!

The reason why "month 7" was my hardest is because I felt like a sponge that had all of the water squeezed out and yet kept being squeezed. But the thought of handing Logan off to someone while I got my battery recharged made me feel worse! I'd never had a situation where I was stressed out and had given all I had, but didn't want to quit. Things have always been good for me or bad for me--not both at the same time! This is not saying being a stay at home mom is bad for me (I actually think it's the best and healthiest and most "right fit" job I've ever had) but doing anything in a bubble over and over and over can turn something positive into something negative.

Many days I do feel I'm in a bubble. I have a great therapist who I've been going to a couple times a month since December 2006; she said I'm not meant to do all of this on my own. For centuries in all cultures raising a child was a family thing. You could call on up to 20 people to help you at any time because they were either in the same house or next door! You really didn't do any "motherly" things alone. Just in the past 50 years the norm changed--but people still lived in the same cities/towns as their family. So, once again, most had help easiy. Only recently are the majority living too far from their families for daily or weekly help. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this is a bad thing. . .I can't see my mom & I getting along if she lived down the street. :p But it does present a lot of challenges.

Just as, even though 5.5 million moms in America (or 42% of those with kids Logan's age) are staying at home nowadays, the only one I know here is my neighbor Jenn. I know that being a mom is hard regardless of whether you're at home or not, but sometimes I can't help but longingly look at them and wish some days I could just drop Logan off at a babysitter's! (We've never had a babysitter of any kind yet.) My therapist said that they are two completely different experiences. While full-time moms do have more help, there are difficult situations I can't identify with and vice versa. Fortunately, 99% of the time I love this "set up" and wouldn't want it any other way. But now I AM ready and okay with someone taking Logan a couple of hours a week (my compromise so that I'm still getting to spend every day with him but a couple of hours will give me some moments to regroup).

Although. . .now a babysitter might be hard, as it appears Logan's in the first stages of separation anxiety. Joe's mom stayed with us for a few days and although he was fine being alone with her at Christmas, this time when she took care of him so that I could go shopping or sleep in, he was fussy. :( One morning he kept screaming and so I came into the room and then he stopped like a light switch! It didn't matter what I did (I could completely ignore him), as long as he saw me. If I tried to casually walk behind the wall, he'd cry again. I know there's no way to avoid this phase, which does typically begin around 9 months old (I read that babies don't realize they're a separate person right now--they think they're one with their mom) but I hope that it won't be bad since he's used to just me all day, every day at home with him.

Since I last wrote, we made an appt. with the ENT for Thursday the 12th, exactly a week before his surgery.

I'm still nursing and there haven't been any problems with that the past week, so I'm like the little train who could. . ."I think I can, I think I can" (make it to Logan's surgery).

Not much happened on Tues or Wed of last week, except that on Tuesday I started my period with only one day of MILD cramps (so although not 100% painfree like in October & December, better than before I was pregnant) and on Wednesday I had my first massage since the first week of November and it was lovely!!!! I'm going back again next week.

Joe's mom came on Thursday and I finally got my driver's license renewed (it had expired on my birthday). When Joe came home we went to get me a new cell phone. My first was in 2002, my second in 2004, my third in 2006, and now my fourth in 2009. I hated the one I'd had the past two-and-a-half years because everyone always sounded muffled, but I never got around to upgrading it (we have a landline so I usually just talk on that). So I've been loving my new one!

Back at home Sandi fixed us supper, as well as Friday's breakfast and supper, and that evening Joe & I went to the movie theater! :) I really wanted to see Revolutionary Road; I'd heard a lot about it since it won several awards, but it wasn't playing here so I'll have to wait until the DVD. Instead we saw Valkyrie, which was good except I forgot the story doesn't have a happy ending. :/

Thursday & Friday Logan ate puffs. We were really proud becuase it was the first time he'd ever fed himself flawlessly (and he didn't gag--he actually indicated that he wanted more).

Unfortunately, the past five nights Logan has gotten up FOUR times during a ten hour night (something he hasn't done FOREVER). Not only that, but it's been with a SCREAM and he won't settle back down for a good ten minutes (something else that is really rare). Today he even woke up in the middle of his two hour nap (which yesterday and today he didn't take until 3 pm, making it the only one of the day).

We haven't been able to pinpoint a reason for this behavior. He doesn't appear to be sick or in pain. . . more like something keeps scaring him! All days since Wednesday he's been "high-need" and a couple of them he had dark red cheeks (a sign of an allergic reaction). I did start an organic formula the first day this happened (last Wed) so I haven't used it since (now we've bought what our pediatrician gave us when Logan had jaundice--Similac Advance, what all the samples were that Logan had been on off & on the past 9 months), but while he was better today than any of the prevous days, he isn't back to normal.

I also used Oragel on Wednesday because for the first time he reacted to a tooth coming in. The sixth one that we'd been waiting for (his left canine) popped through that day (January 14th). Until now, I've always given him Hyland's Hoemopathic Teething Tablets at the first sign of fussiness and they've always seemed to work because we can count on one hand how many entire fussy days Logan has had since he was born! But that day nothing seemed to work. I tried all of the natural remedies but it was apparent that the tooth was causing him pain--so we tried Oragel. . .but not anymore since.

Today I made sure to eat boring foods for my breastmilk (although he's never been sensitive to my breastmilk or foods I've eaten before) and there has been nothing different around him or in his system so we will see how tonight goes. I'm glad we have his 9 month check-up on Wednesday just to make sure nothing's wrong. I do remember our pediatrician saying that "month 9" is very common for relapses in sleep because they are noticing their surroundings and understanding that they are alone for the first time, so maybe that's all it is. (Which makes sense since this is also the first week he's ever shown signs of separation anxiety during the day.) I also read in The Fussy Baby Book that often babies at this age develop anemia; he has refused his rice cereal the past month but I was hoping he was getting enough iron since we started feeding him formula every day. However I've noticed him looking pale in his pictures which is a sign (as well as fussiness) so I'm glad they'll be checking his blood for that as well.

Anyway, Sandi stayed until Saturday night and then yesterday was Logan's nine month birthday! On a sad note, today 8 years ago Joe's dad died.

Chris is relieved that her baby turned back to the proper position--with four weeks to go! Yeay!

A couple of interesting "new mom" moments that I have never mentioned occured last month when I was at my grandma's 95th birthday. One, I learned how complete strangers will think they know more about your baby then you do. This was the day before Logan crawled and so we had him on the floor encouraging him. As you know, Logan has always made it very clear when something is bothering him. His leg was caught under him but he was happy at trying to crawl so I wasn't going to mess with him. A lady there was like, "His leg is bothering me." I told her it was okay, he was fine. But 30 seconds later she said, "I'm going to move his leg" and then just reached down and pulled it out from under him! This made him start crying -- I was so annoyed! He'd been perfectly happy until she'd done that! I didn't show it, though, I just scooped him up and said it was time for him to eat--just so I could take him to a different room away from her.

I was also surprised that people will just do what they want with him, without asking me. I guess I assumed that when it came to feeding him anything I would be consulted. As I said last time, we have not fed Logan adult food yet. I know a lot of moms have by this point but our doctor said not until his 9 month check-up and we've honored that. From what I've read, there's really no reason to feed him anything other than milk and baby food, so why rush it when we have our whole life ahead of us? But I guess this is really late for mothers "years ago" and so older generations want me to get goin'. Most respect me when I say, "not yet" but that day Logan was given a bite of regular food without asking me. I didn't say anything because it wasn't anything bad, but once again I was surprised at how other people will just take over so easily with someone else's baby.

The only other thing I wanted to mention today was there was another show aside from those I talked about in my last post that covered a topic I've discussed here--the whole vaccination thing. Private Practice did a show a couple of weeks ago about the dangers of not vaccinating (a mother had a son who was autistic and blamed it on the MMR so she didn't give that shot to her next son and he got measles and died). The fictional show was super scary and made me cry--which was its intent. But I was disappointed that they didn't show the third option--it's not all or nothing! You don't have to vaccinate or not vaccinate. Breaking up the vaccines, or giving the MMR after the age of two, is still protecting our children from deadly diseases if they are exposed--but also protecting from brain & immune disorders. Unfortunately, the show probably installed fear in a lot of people who don't know this and so even if their doctor gives them the option, they will opt for all vaccinations at once.

Our last two appts. have gone well so let's hope the one this week does, too! :)