Deciding On Baby's Baptism/Dedication

This was originally written on Wednesday, March 12, 2008:

I couldn't fall asleep last night over something that isn't a big deal and yet, at the same time, it is. I thought maybe if I wrote it all out, I could relax :p

I guess it's appropriate since I've covered all of the other main aspects of pregnancy; one of the options is to baptize a baby. For plenty of parents it is not a problem. You baptize your baby the same that you were baptised, end of story. For some, like myself, however I am not sure that is the best decision. Here's why:

In August of 1980 (when I was eight months old) I was baptized Catholic. (To the left is a picture of my dad, priest, and mom that day. At the end of the paragraph shows me at that exact moment with my godparents--my mom's brother and his wife.) Since the beginning of time, every person on my mom's side (a mixture of Italian and Irish) was/is Catholic. Most (including my mother), in fact, went to Catholic school. I would have, too, except that there weren't any Catholic schools in the two towns where I grew up. But, I did attend CCD classes each year, had my First Communion in second grade (the pictures below are of that day), and was Confirmed when I was a junior in high school. My mom and I rotated between Sat. night and Sun. morning Mass reguarly. (My dad is non-denominational/Christian and my stepdad is Presbyterian. These two pictures include my stepdad and mom)There was no question that even if I married someone of a different denomination, my husband and I would be married in the Catholic Church--I just couldn't imagine anything else.

But, aside from that history, was I/am I Catholic? Maybe it was my classmates (every CCD teacher quit after trying to teach our class because they were so awful)--I never paid attention. . .I can't say I learned one thing growing up. Quiz me now and I'll fail. And, not only am I as clueless about the teachings as a non-Catholic (maybe more so than some non-Catholics!), but I don't believe much of what I do know that they teach.

I've always believed in God & Jesus and had a personal relationship with Him, but I didn't get anything out of church services or feel any type of spiritual connection with "my religion" compared to communicating on my own with God. Ever since I was in my crib (yes, I remember being in my crib which means two years old or younger) I knew for a fact there was a God. I've always had a vivid memory of lying there (before I could really talk to people or had been taught about God from the world) and communicating with Him. So when I was actually an athiest for a year (when I was in junior high--that's a completely different blog topic), there was no way I could stay there for long. There have just been too many times in my life when God was obvious and no one can explain it to me another way. I don't need to question things that I can't understand or things that don't make sense--because to me, that's not what God is about. I've seen him, felt him, and known him. That's all the "proof" I need. I can learn the answers to they "whys" once I've passed on.

Still, I do believe that going to church is important. It's easy with our busy day-to-day life to push spirituality behind all of our other priorities, so it can remind us to keep God front-and-center.

When I started dating the only guy I dated in high school (now an Evangelical Minister) I was amazed at how different I felt at his church. My mind didn't wander--and I left each sermon feeling touched & inspired. It was the way it should be, a way that I hadn't even known was possible. Needless to say, at age sixteen I became an active member of the Christian community--listening to Christian music, reading Christian books and magazines, etc.

When I went to college (even though the guy & I went our separate ways), I was open to joining a Christian club because it reminded me of his church. College students would gather in an abandoned warehouse and listen to a band play awesome music and ministers talk about things that we could relate to--stuff that college students were going through. During a time that I was also exploring my wild side, the club reminded me to keep my head on straight.

Every now and then I would also attend the Catholic Church there, too, mainly because I didn't feel comfortable giving it up completely. Even though I no longer felt I fit in there, it was a part of my history. . .a family tradition! Two of my cousins had announced that they had left the Catholic Church and it really upset my grandparents. Even though I was considering the same thing, I wasn't confident in making the decision yet. I still proudly checked the "Catholic" box when filling out questionares. Being Catholic was something I'd always held my head high about. Maybe in the same way Jewish people hold on to their heritage, even if they aren't practicing. There's more to being Catholic than just reciting prayers in what some people feel is a robotic way.

It also didn't hurt that we had the best priest ever at my college Catholic Church. Anyone who attended my wedding can attest to this. When I met him during my freshman year, I remember thinking, Wow, he's who I hope will marry my husband and me.

Fortunately, I got my wish.

At the beginning of my sophomore year, I met Joe! We finally started dating the final week of the school year. I remember that summer he came to my town for a date and we drove by the Catholic Church. I told him that's where I went and casually asked, "Do you go to church?"

He shook his head no.

We were still "new" so I didn't pry--i.e. get into a discussion about whether he was an athiest, agnostic, or what his beliefs were. But by the time we returned to college for our junior year, I was falling in love with him and so it became important for me to find out. I had a friend who was an athiest and we'd had to agree not to get into debates and discuss the subject or else it was going to damage our friendship. I knew from that experience that it would be painful and destructive if I ended up marrying someone who refused to acknowledge the God that I loved, was close to, and who was a major part of my life. Even though Joe was the most moral person I knew, I just wouldn't have felt we were a marriage match. We would be following different directions in the future.

So, I invited Joe to attend the Christian club with me, to which he declined. That's when he told me that he believed in God but hadn't been raised in any church. In fact, he'd only gone to church three times in his entire life (two were with his oldest sister who is a strong Christian). It just wasn't something he felt comfortable with.

I was relieved that he wasn't an athiest, nor did he mind that God was important to me, and so I continued to date him. I know it's not usually recommended. . .but I prayed that being around me would help him get comfortable.

Unfortunately, it took a tragedy for that to happen. In January 2001 Joe's dad died of a sudden heart attack. I hadn't brought up the Christian club since the one time at the beginning of that same school year, but shortly after his death I asked Joe if he'd want to go with me. To my surprise, he said yes.

Off and on for the next year Joe and I attended the club together. It was really special to see someone begin a relationship with Jesus. It didn't take long for him to become comfortable there, and so I also took him to the Catholic Church a few times--but he expressed that he preferred non-denominational. Still, he had no problem getting married in the Catholic Church, especially after meeting our priest the same month we got engaged (and going to pre-marital counseling over the next few months).

I was so happy that he'd become a Christian completely on his own and that he'd also easily gone along with being married in the Catholic Church, that I began to feel ready to make the decision for me to just go to a non-denominational church from now on--and to raise our children there. (I thought it'd be too confusing and less powerful to rotate between both churches once we had children.) I thought that I had the best case scenerio: since Joe had never been baptized, I had freedom. (Whereas if he'd been raised, say, Lutheran or Methodist or Presbyterian it might have been difficult for us to agree on whether to go to his church or mine.) But, I found that the decision still wasn't easy.

After our wedding in April 2003, we moved near Omaha, NE and I began working at a Christian radio station. My co-workers introduced us to the best non-denominational churches in the area, to which Joe and I visited over the next several months. It was February 2004 when we discovered "the one," very similar to our college club. We chose that church to become members of, although we never officially went through the process. We had planned to do the membership and Joe's baptism at the same time that year. . .but Joe suddenly shied away from getting baptized when he learned what it would entail. Baptisms at the non-denominational church are always public. As a guy on the shy side, he didn't particularly want to get up in front of several hundreds of people and talk before being dunked in a pool of water.

By this time he was reading the Bible every night and had become very educated and knowledgable about Christianity. He began teaching me things about the Bible that I never knew. I was very impressed and loved that he was praying every night, etc. It didn't seem we needed to be desperate for his baptism, as that was just a symbol of the commitment that he was already clearly living day-to-day.

A few times during our marriage we did go to the closest Catholic Church (just to make sure I was making the right decision by not carrying on the tradition with my future children--it wasn't something to take lightly--I was changing the religion of my future generations when it'd been the same in my family for centuries)!

Sure enough, I felt like a major hypocrite. What reason(s) did I have to raise my family there? Because I liked that their church services were more convenient (we could go on Sat. night opposed to having to get up early on Sun. mornings)? Because their churches were usually prettier and holiday services more impressive (like Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve)? Because my great-great grandmother had lived in a convent when she was a teenager and I wanted my children to think that was neat? Or because I still felt the need to stand up with Catholics when clueless non-Catholics put the church down? (The downside to non-denominational churches is that some people believe that Catholics aren't even Christians--HELLO?! The one thing that's always been the same no matter which church I've gone to is that both believe in Jesus, the definition of Christianity!!! I'll never forget the time a co-worker came back from a Catholic wedding and said to me, obviously unaware that I'd been married in a Catholic Church, "Catholic weddings just aren't the same, you know they won't last." I believe my mouth dropped open. Actually, the two most spirital-close-to God-weddings I've been to were at Catholic Churches!)

Anyway, I realized I didn't have a valid reason to continue in the Catholic Church. It wasn't like I could really teach my children about Catholicism anyway. So, Joe and I decided that when we had our first baby, it would be special (and more comfortable to Joe) to baptize both him and our child at the same time in the non-denominational church.

That was the end of the subject until this past January. That month I figured I better e-mail our church to make sure we could do the baptisms as a joint ceremony. They explained that for L.J. it would actually be a baby dedication (baptisms aren't done until the child/teenager/adult is old enough to understand and make the commitment on their own; the dedication is the parents' commitment to raise their child in a Christian environment)--and so Joe's baptism would be separate. It also sounded like both would definitely have to be public because baptism to them is a "public statement" and so it's either done during a church service, or every summer they have around 250 people get baptised one day outside together.

I was fine with L.J.'s ceremony being called a baby dedication rather than a baptism (I don't believe that if a baby/child dies before baptism that they're going to go to hell or limbo), but disappointed that he and Joe couldn't have their ceremony together only with our family and friends.

Also, Joe wasn't any more gung-ho about doing it separately now compared to four years ago, and I didn't want to pressure him. . .when I'm the only one not getting baptized! (Even though I don't consider myself Catholic anymore, I don't plan on re-baptizing myself because I still plan to go to the Catholic Church once a year--every Christmas--so that my children can at least see what the church is like so that they don't form negative opinions of it like some people in the non-denominational church. And, that way if they do decide they want to be Catholic when they're older, or if one happens to marry a Catholic, they won't feel so "out of place" as most people who aren't raised Catholic. They will know that their mother, grandmother, etc. were all Catholics so they already have a connection. I also hope it will make them open/non-judgmental towards all religions.)

Just to make sure that we couldn't have the baptisms that we wanted (and for Joe to feel more comfortable doing it) at the Catholic Church, I sent an e-mail to find out what they require. It reinforced our above plan, as it actually sounds harder! I'd have to attend several classes for L.J., whereas Joe would have to attend several separate classes and then he'd be baptized on Easter next year, while L.J. would be baptized at a different Mass. Basically, in the end it would be the same as at the non denominational church--it doesn't sound like we could do a joint, private baptism at the Catholic Church, either.

I'm sure there's a church somewhere in Omaha that would do it the way we want, but with a zillion churches here it's like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Now, with less than two months until L.J.'s birth, time is running out for the process to start.

Like I said at the beginning of this blog, it's really not a big deal when thinking of it in terms of how Joe is already a great Christian--baptism isn't going to make him any better, and baptizing/dedicating L.J. isn't going to affect how we raise our son or what we teach him. But it is a big deal in that it's the start of our family as a Christian unit. Because Joe wasn't raised in a church, he feels he missed out on a lot and wishes he'd had that personal relationship sooner than just seven years ago. He wants more for L.J. and to be the best example of a follower (which includes being baptized since that's pretty easy in the grand scheme of things).

Last night Joe made a great analogy between a baptism and a wedding. You don't have to have a ceremony to get married--you can move in with someone and live like husband/wife for 50 years and be committed to them. But when you have a wedding, you are saying to everyone else--see, I'm serious about them. I'm standing before God to be held accountable.

So, it's not a question of whether to baptize my baby--we're doing it because it's an honor to our son, we're giving him the best start possible--but where? I want to feel as if the three of us (and eventually four when our final child is born) are all in this together. Right now I'm the only one who has been baptized and so it feels like something is missing in my life until both of them have been baptized/dedicated, too. That's why I'm not comfortable putting it off any longer. (Because, yes, technically it doesn't have to be done "right now," since it'll be a while before L.J. is old enough to understand what's going on--but I already feel we've waited a long time for Joe and don't want another seven years to slip by.) Before this month is over, I plan to contact the person who will conduct this area of our lives and start the process.

But. . .it won't be the Catholic Church. I've already been practicing the past year not calling myself a Catholic anymore (but just saying I'm a Christian). Now Joe and I just need to decide whether we're willing to do the separate ceremonies at our non-denominational church or whether we should search for another church that will do it the way we want. I'm starting to realize that if I continue to wait for the perfect time and perfect place, it's never going to happen.

I guess it's like with a lot of decisions during this pregnancy--most things aren't exactly the way you want it to be for your baby, so you have to do the next best thing. For example, I don't believe all that the non-denominational church teaches, either. I don't believe there is a church out there that has all of the answers and all of the truths. I don't think God made us capable to understand or know it all (just as dogs might understand a little, but they don't have the ability to understand all of the world of humans). So I just have to go with the church where I feel allows me to be the "best me" so that I can be a good example to L.J. (and so can Joe). I'll let you know which church that ends up being--and when!

UPDATE WRITTEN ON THURSDAY MARCH 13, 2008:

I thought I was just rambling yesterday, not expecting anything to come out of my blog aside from clearing my head, but my Omaha friend Amber sent me an e-mail to say that she knows a Christian minister here who will do both Joe and L.J.'s baptisms together and privately!

She said that he's in "either his late seventies or early eighties, yet he still travels abroad every year to help the poor and provide free medical care (for example, in the last couple of years, he's gone to Honduras, Russia, Romania, etc)." Also, "He lived in Thailand for 23 years as a missionary giving to those who had nothing."

After reading her complete e-mail to Joe, and both of us thinking/talking about it last night, it really feels so incredibly right!

We'll still go through the official membership process at our non denominational church, but do the baptisms outside of the church before or afterwards. . .in fact, maybe really outdoors! The good part about something like this is that we could probably pick the location. Since I love the autumn, we could find a beautiful park here in Omaha that has a private area to have the ceremony around the end of October. We could dress up, invite a few family members to stand by (and take family pictures!), and then have dinner either at our house or a restaurant afterwards. That way it'd still feel like a celebration (which is what I like about the Catholic Church baptisms) and Joe would like that he'd get to have it performed privately with his son. Both would be baptised as Christians, and so in the end it'd all be the same--we've just all won this way!

We are both really excited, I hope it works out!

FINAL UPDATE: It did indeed work out! L.J. was born in April and we had his dedication and Joe's baptism together, with our parents, outside in July! You can read about the ideal experience in my post, 3 Months Old!