Baby's Neck, Mommy's Hair

This was originally written on Thursday, April 16, 2009:

I'm finally participating in my first weekly meme, Friday Frustrations, started by Maria from Conversations With Moms!

We had Logan's appt. with the ENT today. Unfortunately after Logan finished the antibiotics last Saturday, the infection on his neck started to grow again :( Good news is that it has appeared to stop again and so Doc said that we are to keep a close eye on the bump and as long as it doesn't stay the same or get bigger over the next month then everything is going in the right direction. Once it's gone it will be gone forever because this has nothing to do with the brachial cleft fistula or the surgery. Apparently both of those went 100% well and the inside of his neck is healed. This is a skin issue. It takes two months for the sutures on the inside of the skin to completely dissolve, and so since this infection happened pretty much exactly a month after the surgery, it is clear that's what got infected. The ENT looked & felt Logan's neck very thoroughly and said it is definitely not infected anywhere BUT the skin. So that's the main thing.

The bad news is that if the bump does get bigger or doesn't go away by May 18th (we made an appt so that we know we'll be with our ENT and not his PA again like what I wrote about in my post, 11.5 Months Old) then we have to come back and get it drained. This made me cry because he said it is not practical to put Logan under or to even give him pain meds or a novicane shot for this, so he will have to be restrained and fully aware and will feel all of the pain of a needle going into his neck. :( So please pray that this draining doesn't have to happen. Like I said, the bump does look a lot better today than it did on Monday & Tuesday. It's smaller and not as red. Doc said it wasn't necessary to put anything on it because it's closed (we put bacitracin on it last night and I wondered if that was why it looked better today) but if it does start to look bad again then I might do the bacitracin anyway because it's not going to hurt and if for some strange reason it does work I like that option better than Logan having a needle in his neck!!!!

In other news, I'm never having my hair colored again. In a previous post I said that last Friday I had my hair dyed dark brown with blonde high lights so that it would grow out looking natural (because I'd already made the decision that I was done coloring it forever at that time but had red in my hair so it was looking bad as it grew out).

Well 24 hrs later my hair turned gray. It was so awful I wanted to cry. I had thought my red color since December & February was bad but at least I could go out in public. I wore my hair in a pony tail for four straight days which I never do (I don't know why, I just never wear them) and immediately contacted my hair stylist to fix it. She was able to get me in yesterday morning (so I had to beg Joe to go to work late so that he could watch Logan even though he has a ton of stuff to do).

I was disappointed that she acted like there was no problem with it. Even Joe thought my hair looked gray and he usually can care less what color my hair is, or if I don't like it he's like "it's fine." So I knew when he admitted yes, it looked gray that yes, it was gray. Even worse, I remembered this happened before! We actually did this style back in 2006 and I totally forgot because it was brief (I only had "the striped look" for about 2 months), but I had to come back that same week and she'd fixed it. So I thought it would be in my file or something and she would know what to do to fix it this time. Instead, it came out looking even worse! Rather than trying to even out/blend the two colors better, she added more of the white-blonde color which in combination with the very dark brown made my hair even more gray! I decided right then and there that I was never going to her again.

I feel bad because I like her as a person (we've talked about everything under the sun) and I have been going to her for 4.5 years! (For my first 1.5 years after I moved here I actually continued to go to my stylist in Iowa but decided that wasn't practical anymore and so when I got a "free 1st visit" flyer in the mail for this salon, and I had no problems with my first visit, I thought I was set for as long as I lived here.) It's not a dinky place or anything (she's won awards and goes to hair shows and takes classes for certifications, etc.) and it's less than 5 minutes from my house so it's super convenient.

But, I have given her time to know my hair as I've colored it 10 different colors in these 4.5 years! Over half of them have required me to come back and get the color fixed. Even though the second time always worked (until the red), I just don't have time anymore with a baby to spend so much time at the salon. I need my hair to be done right the first time. Until now I'd given her the benefit of the doubt because I thought it was my hair. She swore that other people didn't have the problems I did (when I first went blonde in 2005 it turned bright orange so she didn't even allow me to leave that time because it took three tries in almost 5 hrs to get it right).

But today I went to the most popular salon in Omaha and my stylist there said there is nothing abnormal or strange about my hair. She was actually really mad that this was done to my hair and said there were numerous things wrong. She was determined to try to fix it but it was really hard because it was already colored to the max so she couldn't color it anymore or else my hair would start falling out and would be ruined. Luckily there's, like, a hundred people who work there and so other stylists were coming over and offering their advice and trying to find a way to get it decent. She ended up putting toner on my blonde so as to make it "golder" rather than "whiter" which really helped the top half. But the toner didn't help the bottom half of my hair. It still looked gray which I thought I was going to have to leave with and so I started crying which then made her start crying because she "felt so bad that I was having to go through this, it wasn't necessary." And so another stylist came over and said that if they put bleach on the bottom half of my hair it should take all of the color out and so then at least it wouldn't look gray. But this would mean I was going to have to buy products to use on my hair every day so as to start getting it healthy & in good shape again (I don't usually use anything) -- but if we just give it time my hair will be back to normal soon.

I've never had good hair (which is why I've colored it so many times, it's the only way I ever like it) so the bleach seemed scary (I don't want to think about all of the chemicals that absorbed into my system) but it did work! My hair is totally multi-colored right now (some of the red from before is showing up, along with my natural light brown, the dark brown, the original blonde high lights and then the gold high lights) but it looks a lot better! I am actually happy with it and I liked the stylist, so even though the salon is 20 minutes from my house I'm planning on going there from now on. My new stylist gave me $24 off today, plus 10% off the two products I bought, and coupons for future visits. I was going to go to Stacy (Jaxson's mom) if I ever switched salons but I didn't want her to have the pressure of today's disaster! So thankfully now I won't look like I'm 100 years old for Logan's birthday this Saturday.

P.S. I'm a ding dong and didn't take a picture of my hair disaster so there's no photo to go with this story. :(

11.5 Months Old!

This was originally written on Monday, March 30, 2009:

Yesterday we took Logan to the zoo for the very first time! Joe & I hadn't been in 4 years but decided to get a zoo pass and it was a blast! Logan seemed to really enjoy it.

Also yesterday (two weeks after Logan took his first steps by himself), he easily walked from one side of the room to the other as if he'd been walking his whole life, but only walks about half of the day.

We bought bacitracin ointment and put it on Logan's scar yesterday & today but it looks really bad so I called the ENT and we are meeting with his PA tomorrow. I hope it's nothing serious.

Meanwhile, Joe feels like his diverticulitis is back (you can read about his experience here), despite following all of the rules since December, so he has a doctor's appt. this afternoon. :(

In brighter news, Logan's finally mimicking! We thought it was odd that he loves giving high 5's but has never done anything else on command, unless you count only 25% of the time since 7 months old he waves when asked. (This is why baby sign language hasn't worked for us - I've written a couple of posts on this topic. The first was More of Son's 7th Month when I explained the concept and said I was going to do it and the other was Catch Up Time when Logan was 10 months old, reporting that it's not working for us. He's shown no interest whatsoever. I mentioned in the Catch Up Time post that often times boys have a harder time than girls).

Well, tonight we easily got him to do everything we were doing: high 5's, waving, putting his hands to his face, clapping, etc. My dogs were getting jealous, it was funny, they were doing their tricks too because I was so excited and praising Logan! Welcome to our amusing evening, lol. Seriously, though, it's sooooo amazing to see the light bulb suddenly turn on above Logan's head and to actually try to be on our level now!!!!

This was originally written on Sunday, April 5, 2009:

I just had to mention again that I love this age! Logan is actually understanding me now when I talk to him!

"Go get a toy!"
He leaves my side and gets a toy.

"Where is the light?"
He looks up at the ceiling and points to the light.

"Can you turn on the TV for me?"
He presses the correct button on the television.

"Are you hungry?"
He goes to the kitchen.

"Do you want to watch your movie?"
He turns around and sits so he's facing the TV.

"Where are the dogs?"
He finds Bella & Cosmo

"Do you want a bottle?"
He starts whining, haha!

"Can I have a kiss?"
He leans in.

"Give me five!"
He pats my hand.

Those are just a few of many! It seems like he comprehends so much of what I say to him now! It's the best! He's still not talking himself (or signing) but at least there's communication for the first time between his pointing for me to understand him and for him to recognize not just words (which he has the past couple of months) but actual sentences and requests!

He's also walking ALL OF THE TIME now! Three weeks after he took his first steps (which was three days before he turned 11 months old), he's walking all over our house and is not crawling at all anymore! So exciting :)

On the downside, we had an appt. on Tuesday to find out what's going on with Logan's scar. Unfortunately, our ENT that actually did the surgery was booked full and wasn't able to see him. So, we saw another guy in his practice as well as their PA. But they didn't really know what was wrong (isn't that reassuring). So we were given a prescription for an antibiotic because if there's an infection then that should help. Since I had bought the bacitracin ointment last Sunday, we kept applying that instead for a couple of days because it had said to give it a week and I hated to give Logan his third set of antibiotics in a year!

As I said in my post, My Son's CT Scan (and other stuff), a lot of doctors aren't prescribing antibiotics anymore to children under the age of 2 or 3 because they have proven that antibiotics actually make kids sicker in the long run because it weakens the immune system. Logan had his first dose at 8 months old when he had his first ear infection and then his second dose (I forgot to mention it here) after his surgery at 10 months to (ironically) prevent infection. He was only on the second antibiotics 4 of the 10 days because it was a different kind than in December and so Logan had diarrhea. I immediately called the ENT and he said it was okay to stop giving it (they also said our stopping it had nothing to do with this current situation since it happened over a month after the surgery) and if Logan had 8 diarrhea diapers in 24 hrs then to take him to our pediatrician's office. I remember thinking, no way is he going to have it 8 times in one day! Well he had 7. Fortunately, he never acted like it bothered him and never had an 8th so that was that.

But, I breastfed for 9 months and splitting up his vaccinations have both helped him to have an extra strong immune system, so when the bump on his neck just kept getting redder & bigger, we gave him the antibiotics on Thursday, as obviously there ARE appropriate times for giving babies antibiotics. The bump is still there, but it is changing. . .it doesn't look any better, but Joe thinks "change" in general is a good sign. I hope so; I hate that they don't even know for sure what is going on. We have an appt. scheduled with our actual ENT for April 14th (by then the antibiotics will be gone so if it doesn't help then we have to go down another path). I thought we were done with this whole thing. :( Our babysitter had even mentioned the bump when I picked him up on Tuesday, because she thought it looked so bad and then called to find out how his appt. went on Thursday. To be honest, I was doing really well with this "surprise" until just a couple of days ago. Since it started with a tiny pimple on March 20, I just had the "I'm sure it's nothing serious" attitude and felt pretty relaxed about it. Now I'm starting to worry and feel like I could cry any second. Maybe it's because my period is due this week. I just have to focus on the fact that Logan hasn't acted like it hurts or is uncomfortable in any way. Today his cheeks have been a little red, but he's on the same antibiotics he was on at 8 months old and didn't have any reaction then so hopefully he'll do fine on it the remaining 6 days.

In other news, Logan has weaned himself from baby food! Even though I said that I hoped he would since he seems to wean himself from everything else at the appropriate times, I didn't expect it this week! It's just insane how there hasn't been anything in his life that we've had to help him wean from. But, as of Tuesday he's been refusing all food that he can't pick up and eat by himself. We won't be buying anymore, but we have a TON in the cabinet, so each day I've been sneaking him bites along with finger food so that we can finish it. So, he already switched to all of our meals with two weeks to spare before his 12 month birthday, eating everything we're eating!

He still seems dependent on bottles/formula but who knows what he'll be like by April 27th (even though his birthday is on the 18th we're going to wait an extra week because that's his 12-month check-up and also after the week he goes to Iowa). LOL, when I told Joe that we'll wait an extra week, before I'd finished my sentence, Joe was like, "Yeah, because he was premature." Um, no, that's not the reason, silly guy. (36 weeks+1 day is considered full-term.)

Not much else to report except that Cosmo had a vet appt. on Tuesday so I took him to that while Logan was at the babysitter's (Cosmo was due in December for his rabies vaccination but I hadn't gotten around to it until now)! Oh, and also nothing ended up being wrong with my car (when Joe got home from work he tried it out and it was perfectly fine, go figure.)

Joe took Logan to the babysitter's for the first time at 8 AM and he said that before he even left Logan started crying. :( I'm glad that happened for the first time with Joe and not me. Unfortunately, when I picked him up at noon that day he was asleep on Babysitter again (like his very first day, the previous Tuesday), only this time didn't even wake up while I talked to her for a good 15 minutes. She said that had been his hardest day, but it was actually a good sign that he'd cried before Joe left because he understood that was going to happen. Once they start to comprehend that "Daddy leaves," then they also comprehend that "Mommy comes back." I asked if some babies don't ever adjust? She said "No, they all do, it just could take as long as 8 weeks since he's only going part-time."

He did crawl a little and he did play a little, but needed her to hold him the majority of the time (see, my theory was right -- Logan is capable of wanting to be held all of the time, it's just that he has always felt naturally secure enough with me not to need it -- but there he's not secure yet. I hope she will soon see the happy, easy-going baby that he usually is)!

Don't worry, I'm not ready to throw in the towel. I know there's no avoiding this. Even if he'd been going to daycare since day one, all children go through a period when they don't want to be left somewhere. And, unlike if we'd waited until he was older, I think it's less traumatic on him now. I'm hoping that this will give him confidence for times in the future to know he is fine in this world without me, and then those future situations (whatever they may be) will be easier because of this. Babysitter said out of her own 7 kids, her oldest was the only one she never left with anyone and she honestly feels that he had a harder time in life because of it.

I really do think Logan will adjust soon, I don't know why this past week was harder for him than the first week -- I hope he's not getting into a habit of crying there (like, oh this is where I cried last week so I'm going to cry again today, etc). This week I'm going to take him and stay for a little while to see if that will help. Because, this weekend (aside from Joe & I going out to eat at The Summer Kitchen Cafe) we went over to Nick & Heather's house (she's who had her baby on March 25th so we got to meet little Eden!) and it was the first time in his entire life he'd ever acted scared or started to cry when we'd gone somewhere! I could tell it was because he thought we were going to leave him. :( But we stayed for a couple of hours and by the end Logan was crawling around, climbing on their furniture (Heather said she thought a newborn was exhausting until watching Logan, haha, isn't that the truth!), laughing at them and going up to them, and even playing with their Husky/German Shepherd mix dog!

Anyway, as I was leaving Babysitter's last Tuesday, the two year-old was also there (he's the one whose mom is a stay at home mom, too, but uses that time to workout). He's been going there since he was 6 weeks old so it's never phased him but when he saw me pick up Logan he said in the sweetest voice, "Where is MY mommy?" Babysitter said, "Your mommy will pick you up later." He said, "But I want my mommy NOW!" I thought, oh no, now I've opened a can of worms! I think he was used to all of the other kids being there until their parents got off work at the end of the day. I walked out the door at that point but it sounded like Babysitter was explaining everything to him.

The more I've gotten to know her, I like her even more!!!! I feel like I've found a "neighbor friend" forever! I'm so glad that she worked out. I almost can't believe how it almost didn't -- it makes me wonder if any of those other on our "top ten" list had said they had openings maybe I would have wrongly chosen one of the others, but God knew that this one was who would be best for Logan.

On Thursday, I had an appt. with my counselor but haven't made any future appts. so hopefully I can stop going regularly again without having another nervous breakdown. When I picked Logan up that day, he was in the middle of lunch, it was so cute. He was sitting in a booster seat with a bib on, feeding himself pork & green beans. He smiled huge when he saw me and he showed me his food like, "Look at what I'm doing, Mom!"

Babysitter told me to take a seat so I stayed for a half an hour and got to know the other kids (the 4 year old who is at pre-school in the mornings was there along with the almost-4 year old and 9 month old brothers). Logan seemed so comfortable and relaxed.  I said, "He looks like he's doing real well!" But Babysitter said it was still rough. That day he'd wanted to be held, but then when she did he would push away like to get down. He'd cried before Joe left again and had a hard time when she had to change the other baby's diaper (thankfully that baby, Joshua, doesn't seem to care at all, he's been going there since 6 wks old so he's laid back, doing his own things and playing with his brother).

Joshua's brother, Matthew (the almost 4 year old), said to me, "Logan cries." LOL. Babysitter informed him that he used to do the same thing. :p I guess he was 18 months old on his first day, so his adjustment was pretty dramatic, but now he acts like it's his second home. I could tell how happy he was there and how much he liked Babysitter and playing with the other 4-year-old, Henry. Henry asked Babysitter when he started coming. She said, "You were one." He said, "Did you like me?" She said, "I loved you." He said, "I was cute." Then Matthew said, "Logan is just soooo cute!" I thought that was funny to hear from 4-year-olds.

I was surprised at how articulate they were. I guess I don't know 3/4-year-olds very well because they seemed like 6-year-olds to me! They just seemed to know everything about everything, talking about all of the contestants on American Idol, they know all of Babysitter's kids names and their ages, etc. They refer to me as "Logan's mom" which is new and cute! "Hey Logan's Mom, look," etc.

When Logan was done eating I put him in his carseat and he fell right asleep! On Tuesday when I'd picked him up he'd spent the whole car ride home laughing and didn't take his nap until two hours later! See, that's why I'm still positive about the whole babysitter idea. Logan has just been in the best mood ever for me the remainder of Tuesdays and Thursdays and even on Wednesdays and Fridays. He just doesn't seem to need as much from me, because it's like he's getting the extra/different stimulation that he needs during those mornings. He just seems even happier and even more content than ever before. This, combined with my two breaks are putting me in a better mood than ever and giving me more energy so that I can then give him more and be my best self/best mom. So let's hope this coming week is the best so far and all the weeks after, so that we can continue this until he's in school!

Anyway, Nick & Heather's little girl was so tiny & precious when we went over there last weekend. . .she slept in my arms the whole time we were there. Joe held her, too, and we both remarked about how she was so still we'd forget we were holding her as we talked, haha! It was like we just had a doll! I can hardly remember Logan like that :( It's amazing how as much as I was "in the moment" and took a zillion pictures and videos -- it still seems foggy!

They are doing well, except Heather has mastitis so she was in pain. :( She had to stop breastfeeding when Eden was 4 days old.  The other night she began feeling dizzy/light-headed and started sweating and developed a high fever so she called her doctor and they said to go to the ER.

I know there are women out there that breastfeeding is easy for, but that doesn't seem to be the majority. It was hard for me, and now both of my most recent friends to have babies had to stop even though they were just as adamant about doing it as I'd been. Both of them researched a ton while pregnant in order to do it, and both of them worked with lactation consultants and did everything to continue. The majority I talk to DO find it difficult, even those who continue through a year, so it is amazing to me that this is what is natural! Animals have no problem whatsoever (nor with birth) but humans appear to be a completely different story. It's actually very fascinating.

Anyway, my next friend (Melissa) to have a baby is due this Wednesday but she isn't dilated yet. So she is expecting to go late, but I told her anything can happen! Heather said she was only 2 cm when she went into labor (she'd been asleep for an hour, feeling fine, and then woke up with hard contractions less than 5 min apart so they went to the hospital). She wanted to progress naturally so she didn't have pitocin but she had opiods from 11 pm until 7 am, then got an epidural, and was fully dilated at 12:30. A half an hour later Eden came out! It was fun to hear her birth story. I swear I could just talk for hours with everyone I meet about their birth stories, lol. I've mentioned here before that's what I look forward to most about having another baby, isn't that awful?! But it's just so exciting! My last friend (Brooke) is due in exactly two weeks and is 2 cm dilated.

P.S. We finally got our very first laptop today! (We still have our desktop so it will be nice to have two computers)

All Kinds Of Stuff

This was originally written on Saturday, March 28, 2009:

Okay I definitely recommend the babysitter thing for stay at home moms -- it was a very healthy move for me, which means it will be a healthy move for Logan as soon as he adjusts (more on that in a minute)! On Thursday while he was there I went grocery shopping, gave one of my dogs a bath, did 30 minutes of exercise, and finished a book I'd been reading FOREVER. In just those 4 hrs I did more for myself than I'd been doing during an entire week in 2009. Even though I was busy, I GAINED energy so that this week when I was with Logan all of the other hours and days, I was 100% having a blast with him.

That had not been happening lately. For the past couple of months I'd been staring at the clock a lot of days, counting the hours until Joe would get home from work. Don't get me wrong, the majority of the time I was having fun with my little guy (I can't help but every day verbally tell Logan how much fun he is), but two of the most important things I strive for in life are to 1) Be real 2) Be in the moment. Now I can like being real every moment again!

Those reasons are part of why I blog. Some people have a problem with bloggers like me who "tell it all," but I will never make apologies for being real. I want people to know "the real me." Those who have been my faithful readers, never missing a post (and reading every word), getting caught up when they get behind, posting comments or sending e-mails about topics I write about - you guys actually know me the best and so I appreciate you taking the time to do so. I learned that not everyone is comfortable with me putting everything "out there," back when Joe & I made a website after we got married (it had pictures and info for our family & friends). I was thrilled when I was able to post my geneology info after interviewing my great aunt the summer of '03. I had no idea what a fascinating story my mom's side of the family had! (I'll have to post it here sometime - her grandma was sent to the U.S. from Italy as steerage on a ship to live in a convent in New York because her mom married a man with two sons and didn't want her daughter to be around them!)

Flash forward two years later when my great aunt's son who I've only met once stumbled across my website in Texas and demanded I take it down. Apparently he called her (she is in her 90's so she doesn't understand the internet) and made it sound like I was bad-mouthing the family to millions of people. My great aunt called my grandma (her sister) crying, telling her I was ruining the family's name forever! My grandma called my mom who then called me wondering what in the world was going on.

To make a long story short, I had mentioned that their grandma (the one who had been sent to New York) had been married to an alcoholic. I also said that their father (my great grandfather) had been invited to be a part of the mafia and when he refused they fired shots through his house. My grandma said yes, this was all true, so there was no reason why I should take the page down. Her sister, however, was embarrassed by these things and was worried future generations would view her family in a negative light. I tried to explain that actually people nowadays would think the mafia thing was "cool" and that nobody would think anything of the alcoholic-thing. Doesn't everyone have an alcoholic in the family? But it was explained to me how back then nobody talked about flaws. Everyone must think they were perfect and "anything we consider to be worth of interest nowadays" was to be kept silent back then.

I wrote my great aunt an apology letter and made it so that the geneology page wouldn't show up in search engines or for those who weren't directly given the URL. I was taught in my journalism classes in college that I have the freedom to write what I want and if it's accurate and the intent is pure--not to hurt anyone--then I should stand up for my work and not let someone else censor me. I had never run into that problem before, but knew as a writer it probably would happen again -- and sure enough, I have with this blog twice (both by the same person). My intent has always been to tell MY story (not anyone else's) -- I don't want to offend anyone, but if I learn that I somehow have, I will make the decision based on the individual circumstance whether to delete something I write. But I won't ever do it because I feel pressured or talked into it.

In 2007 I took our family website offline just because I'd started blogging and was tired of updating it (so my mom's cousin would be glad to know), but I still have the info which I'm proud of (I sooooo admire the women in my family, especially my great-great grandmother who after her husband died due to his alcoholism she raised three kids by herself after the age of 29 and ran three businesses)! I am glad to have "the whole story" for my children and their children (since it is my family, too), thanks to my great aunt being the one to tell me everything nearly 6 years ago because she actually said the words, "You should make this into a book some day" (which I also hope to do, only I will expand it into a fiction novel -- her son can't get mad at that). Anyway, my point is nobody should ever be ashamed of the truth (good or bad), which is why I write about the good AND the bad about my life here. I prefer reading blogs that are honest rather than the ones that never share a problem and act as if everything is always perfect. . .that's just not real life. Older generations might not understand blogging, but I think it's great we have such a support system and community - I'm sure 100 years ago there were many moms who wished they didn't have to keep quiet about everything. I think we're healthier nowadays because of blogging and such!

Okay, back to what I was originally saying. . .I'm glad to be in the moment again with Logan, especially since I was right in my last post: "month 11" is going down as the best ever, so far. He's never been so fascinating to watch as he is right now!!! He actually problem solves now, is understanding cause & effect, consequences, etc. It is so entertaining to see him discover the world (I'd always heard people say that it's awesome to see the world through a child's eyes but never knew what it meant until now).

I love that he wants to put everything IN something. (He tries to fit whatever he can in whatever he can.)

I love that he sticks his tongue out when he's concentrating.

That he knows when I'm holding him by a door to reach down and try to turn the knob to open it, and then when I help him do so, he pushes it shut.

As of today he's taking 9 steps in a row by himself when he walks, although he still prefers crawling most of the day.

He's been consistantly giving me "high 5's" on command every time I ask, which is tons of fun.

I still am in awe that we made this human being and he lived inside of me for 36 weeks+1 day.

Last night I was getting sentimental. He's not even a year old yet and it makes me cry to think of him growing up because I've never been this close to a human being before and it doesn't seem like it's going to stay that way. It seems like "mama's boys" are a bad thing -- i.e. I don't want to be one of those mothers who doesn't want to let their son go when he gets older and then intereferes in his female relationships. But it seems like mothers & adult sons are just acquaintances otherwise. Getting along & checking in with each other, but not being best friends like girls and their moms can be once they're adults. I don't want to be just a casual family member with my son!

So, I went into his room while he was sleeping peacefully and just scooped him out of the crib and rocked him in the recliner, wanting to treasure this time because I never got to rock him in these 11 months and pretty soon he's not going to be a baby anymore! I always thought that was what all mothers did with their babies. Before Logan was born I pictured my baby wanting to be held all of the time, that he was going to need me to soothe him and comfort him. So when he never cried for these things because he was already content & happy, I figured I might as well not fix what wasn't broken; I didn't want to make him develop habits that weren't necessary and were going to be hard to break later. So I rarely held him if I wasn't nursing, and since he never needed me to calm him down or soothe him, nor did I rock him. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about the sleep I didn't miss or the energy I didn't drain, but no mom ever said at the end of their life that they wished they hadn't held their baby as much. There is a bonding and comfort for a mother during that time as well! Even though nowadays Logan can hug & kiss me in his own way, and I've always been very lovey-dovey-affectionate towards him (he's never been short on love), without nursing the past two months there is something I miss. So last night I thought what the heck, I'm going to be selfish and hold my son for absolutely no reason!

It was the sweetest of moments, I found myself wiping tears from the corners of my eyes, and then when I placed him back in his crib so that I could go to sleep an hour later, he woke up and started crying. Yes, my fault. So then I held him for another hour. . .but the same thing happened when I placed him in his crib again. Great, see, this is why they tell you not to do this. :p So I held him for another hour until, yep, same thing. At this point I was incredibly exhausted and feeling guilty because I figured he was wanting me/needing me all of a sudden to hold him for the first time because he'd had to be alone for the first time with a babysitter this past week. Not except during his first two weeks of life had I been up 'til 2 am with him! So I woke Joe up and asked if he could get a bottle to see if that would help. The same thing happened to Joe: Logan fell asleep in his arms but then when he put him in the crib Logan woke up and starting screaming. But Joe shut the door and by the time he got to our bedroom thankfully Logan had fallen asleep. It was 3 am. Needless to say I'm groggy today. . .it's too bad I'll be 46 when Logan goes to college, that's too old to have baby #2, haha.

But I don't regret holding him last night. Just like what I said earlier about no mother regretting at the end of her life that she held her child, when I'm 100 years old I'm not going to say "On the night of March 27th, 2009 I missed the most sleep I had with Logan since he was two weeks old because I went in his room to hold him -- that was a mistake because I was tired the next day." If anything I'll say, "I'm so glad that I took moments like March 27th to treasure holding him."

I can't think of a relationship more important or special than that with my son. It's always been hard for me when close relationships end or drift apart. But maybe we will define our own relationship. Maybe it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Hopefully we can always feel this close without him being a "mama's boy" or me being one of THOSE mothers, lol. :p

As for how he did on Thursday, Babysitter said it was definite improvement from Tuesday. This time I brought him over at 8:35 and told her Joe will bring him from now on his way to work at 8 and I will pick him up at noon. I could tell right away that he remembered and knew where we were & what was going on. He didn't take his eyes off me this time and when I said goodbye and started to go up the steps I heard a "cough" that he sometimes does before he starts crying. I said in my head, Please don't cry while I'm still here because then I'll cry! Fortunately, I didn't hear any other sound from him.

When I picked him up, it was better than last time because he gave me the biggest smile (rather than cried) when he saw me. Babysitter was walking around holding him so I could tell that he'd been crying again, but she said that it was only a few times. When I had left that morning the almost 4-year-old had asked, "Are you going to stay with Logan?" I answered, "No, I'm not." He said, "But he's going to cry!"

Stab.

Babysitter said that this time he ventured off by himself a couple of times -- crawling and exploring areas away from her, whereas last Tuesday he hadn't left her side. However, when she had to leave his side to get some paper towels during lunch, he got extremely upset. So he's definitely attaching to her, which is good. It made me feel nice that I saw her eyes tear up when she was talking about how they sang a song to him that she has taught all of her kids, "Mommy Comes Back."

When I had arrived there had been fun "kid music" playing in the background and the almost 4-year-old had said they'd been listening to Babysitter read a book. When I was talking to her and holding Logan, the almost 4-year-old was running around with another 4-year-old who comes over at noon from pre-school on Tues & Thurs, and Logan was sooooo intrigued, he didn't take his eyes off the boys running around. I do think that he's going to end up really liking & wanting to go there. Especially once the 9-month-old is at an age to play with him. Right now the 9-month-old reminds me of Logan at 6 months old, but hopefully when he comes back this fall (since he's not going to come over the summer) they will be more at a similar level.

Also hopefully when I take him back this Tuesday he won't have to start all over again. The only downside so far is that Babysitter told me she fed Logan spaghetti and oranges for lunch on Thursday. We've never fed Logan oranges because that is citrus which you aren't supposed to have until 12 months old because a lot of babies are intolerant. Well on Friday I was changing Logan's diaper and he had only the second diaper rash he's ever had in his life on the inside of his cheeks -- and a piece of orange was in diahhrea. :( He only took a half-an-hour nap that day (which was the hour before), which I thought was odd (he always does 1.5-3 hrs); that may have been why. I read those are common signs that he had a bad reaction, so citrus is going to be off limits to Logan for a couple of more months. At first I felt that pit in my stomach like, this is the kind of stuff I dreaded about him being under someone else's care. He's never had a food allergy before. But Joe was like, "Logan is going to be 12 months old in 2.5 weeks. He would have had that same reaction in a couple of weeks if we'd been the one to feed him oranges, which was bound to happen." I knew he was right and so I relaxed about it immediately. The main thing is that Logan was in an extremely good mood on both Tues & Thurs when he woke up from his naps those afternoons, so it does not appear that going to a babysitter's a total of 8 hrs per week is traumatizing to him.

Unfortunately, however, the bump on Logan's scar has grown. After I called the ENT on Tuesday, it went away again but then 24 hrs later it came back bigger. I forgot to pick up bacitracin ointment so we've been putting witch hazel on it a couple of times a day (a more natural remedy), but that hasn't helped. They had said that if it didn't go away within a week to call and make an appt so that they could look at it. So I'm calling first thing on Monday because the area is all red and swollen. :( Joe & I saw on the internet this means that the sutures inside have gotten infected. Great, the whole reason why we had the surgery was to avoid infection and now he's gotten an infection due to having scar tissue!!!! :(

On the bright side, the past couple of days he has been sleeping until 8 am again and hasn't had anymore nightmares, so hopefully the getting up at 6:30 am again was just Mon thru Thurs. I also figured out how to cut his fingernails at this age: just do one at a time quickly & randomly throughout the day!

The only other news from this week was that I had a massage yesterday for the first time since the end of January (it was nice not to have to worry about my breasts leaking or my wrists hurting from de quervain's for the first time, lol). AND, my first friend due to have a baby in April, Heather, had her little girl exactly one week before her due date, Wednesday, March 25th at 1:01 pm! Her labor was 14 hrs and Eden Elizabeth was 9 lbs and 21 inches long!!!! She had a snapped collar bone, but both she & mommy are doing well now and are home from the hospital with Daddy Nick! My other two friends are due in 1.5 and 2.5 weeks!

On a completely different subject, I changed the title of this blogsite because now that I have a babysitter I DO have time for a haircut, haha (and have one scheduled for April 10th when I plan to get my hair back to its original color rather than this current not-red-but-not-any-other-color; I don't plan to color it anymore until I go gray!) :)

To conclude today's post. . .I deleted my Facebook page last week. For those of you who don't know my story: I started off as a MySpace addict in October 2005. I'm not kidding when I say "addict," I was on ALL of the time. I was always signed in while I was working on my novel -- those days I was either fiction writing or on MySpace, that was pretty much my life. Sad, but true. Joe knew it was bad when we'd be laying in bed at night and I'd say, "I just thought of a change I need to make to my MySpace page!"

Seriously.

Everyone came to me for help with their pages because I was a pro. (The pic to the left is my dog Cosmo looking at the page I had in July '07.) I changed my layout depending on my mood, changed my song every day, updated the info, pictures, and videos constantly, and had everyone else's pages memorized (to the point where I actually knew where they were located on my pages so that if someone left I knew immediately who they were). I looked up everyone I had ever met as far back as pre-school and at least I did get a lot of enjoyment from it. It was my hobby, since back then I didn't scrapbook, and it was my socialization since I stopped working at the radio station during the spring of 2006 and would go a week or more without seeing anyone except Joe.

But, like all addictions, they run their course. After I took our family website down during the spring of 2007, I began to lose interest in MySpace that summer. I had begun blogging, scrapbooking, and finally came out of my cave to have a social life in Omaha (I lived here for 4 years before I hung out with anyone in Omaha other than my friend Melissa who moved away last year to Arizona). A lot of people began saying Facebook was better, so I signed up for that instead. But I found it boring compared to all of the stuff that you can do over at MySpace and a lot more confusing and ADDish. So, I only had a page for about 2 weeks and then re-joined MySpace. . .although I wasn't as "into" it as I'd been before. I hardly talked to anyone the second time around and so I deleted my page that summer (2008). Meanwhile, I was getting more requests to give Facebook another try so I did that fall. . .but still didn't like it, so I deleted my page again! I was glad that it kept all of my info, though -- it was nice not to have to start all over.

At this point I was confusing everyone because then I re-joined MySpace again. :/ But, in early 2009 I remembered why I'd quit and so I deleted my page once and for all. (I won't be coming back.) But then what did I do? I activated my Facebook page again! I stayed on for 2.5 months (the longest I ever had there) but although I enjoyed getting in touch with all of the people who hadn't been on MySpace, I found it to be a waste of time and still confusing and headache-provoking, so now I am off BOTH sites. (Although it is possible I may give Facebook one more try in the future.)

With that said, on January 29th I had an interesting experience worth mentioning. Here is the blog I started writing that night, but I got too tired and never finished it until now:

11:07 PM. . .Oh my gosh. Tonight I decided to look for people I might know on Facebook--and so I randomly thought of as many people from my past as I could. One of those names? We'll call him D. He was the guy I was an intern for during my first summer out of college.

I'd been soooo excited in November 2001 to have a job lined up for when I graduated from ISU in May 2002. One of my journalism teachers had recommended I interview with a woman who was hiring for an intern reporter & photographer position at a TV station Eastern Iowa. Little did I know until I got to the room that I was LAST of 60 applicants to be interviewed. Maybe it was this (the fact that I didn't think the odds were in my favor to get the job so there was no pressure) or that my teacher had told me about this that day (so there wasn't time for me to get nervous--I remember there was hardly enough time for me to throw on my "interview outfit"). . .but I did get the job!

It was in the same area where I'd lived for ten years (1988-1998) so I was familiar with the city and had a couple of friends close by. I was appreciative of my mom & stepdad apartment-hunting with me over my spring break and I found a perfect place with a pool and tennis courts (the picture to the left is me by my door; I was never able to use the pool & court, though, because I was so busy that summer). I was looking forward to beginning my career as a television reporter. I'd been preparing for this moment since I was 12 years old and had big dreams to be a national news anchor. The year prior I'd been chosen to intern at CNN's Chicago bureau as well as MSNBC in New York, but my parents had not been supportive (that's a whole different story) and so I hoped that my contacts would still be around once this internship was over since I'd have $ to move then. I was engaged to Joe, but he didn't have a job yet (he still had another semester at ISU because he was a double major), so believe it or not at that time he was going to go wherever I went!

But, New York or Chicago wasn't meant to be for us. Not only did I work 60 hrs each week and D made me come in as early as 5 AM some of the days (because "that's the life of a TV reporter, plus holidays & weekends, so get used to it"), but I spent every second with D, who I realized was the definition of the words: Egotistical and Jerk.

On my first day we were covering an election in Dubuque, IA and he told me that I was never going to make it as a reporter because I was "too nice." Funny how in the 10 years that I'd been preparing and centering my life around this profession, no one had ever told me you must be mean to be a reporter. He told me I could not follow rules if I wanted to succeed. Police might threaten to arrest me, but I must ignore them! I planned to prove him wrong. I had the ambition and the talent and 10 years of experience (lots of TV news in high school and college), so I was sure he'd change his mind.

Sad to say, I was the one who changed my mind. By the end of the summer I didn't know what to do with my life anymore. I wish I could say that I stayed strong and came out "showing him," but mid-way through the summer when I lost my grandfather I realized there were more important things in life and I really didn't care to impress D anymore. Until then I'd been putting 110% into every day, keeping a smile on my face, never letting him know when I felt like crying, working so hard and pushing myself that I became sick (I lost 22 lbs and had IBS for the only time in my life, here you can see how skinny I was. I didn't really recover or put the weight back on until a year later after I got married and moved to Omaha).Nor did I report him when he made advances towards me (he was married, by the way). After July 11th when my maternal grandpa died, it occured to me that the job wasn't worth me sacrificing my health, so I basically counted the days until my internship ended on August 31st. I was offered a full-time job by the news director at the TV station, but I turned it down.

My next job was at the most popular TV station in Iowa (Des Moines) and it was IDEAL compared to my internship. Instead of reporting I was a tape editor and was also in charge of playing all of the footage during the 5, 6, and 10:00 PM newscasts. This was a very difficult job, so I am proud of myself that I did so well and loved it, never messing up once. I received constant praise which helped me get my self-esteem back, and I loved my co-workers! I appreciated every second after my nightmare summer with D. They offered me a job as a producer (which is a better paying job than a reporter and would have allowed me to WRITE all of the scripts), but by then it was April and Joe had gotten his first job in Omaha, so since our wedding was April 26th, 2003 I left the world of TV forever when I moved with him (then I was a radio host for the next three years until April 2006, followed by a writer for the three years after that (which means the last three--obviously a better fit for what I wanted to do with my life). The TV station had a going-away party for me and I was on the 10:00 news that night which was fun. I'm still grateful that I had a positive experience to overshadow my negative one. . .but I will never forget the summer with D.Not only did he criticize everything I did and constantly put down my personality and other things personal to me, but early on he asked, "Are you a Christian?" I was surprised that he would ask me that but I answered, "Yes." He let me know that he was an athiest. Um, okay. . .what was he expecting? That I, a 22-year-old in my first job was going to get into a debate with my 27-year-old supervisor over religion? It was awkward. . .he would bring this subject up from time to time over the course of the summer because we had a lot of long drives in the newsvan. I support debaters, but God did not make me one -- it is not something I feel comfortable doing -- if you've noticed I refrain from talking about religion, politics, etc. here because I respect that everyone I know has different opinions and beliefs and that is all right with me. I'm a very spiritual person and value my close relationship with God, but I don't think I have all of the answers or that it's necessary for others to agree with what is in my heart.

D had a lot of hurt and anger towards his mother for being an alcoholic and unloving towards him when he was a child; he asked me "why" God would have her be his mother. Maybe I made a comment about free will, I'm not really sure. . .I know I told him situations that had been enough in my life to prove to me there was a God. . .but needless to say, over the years every now and then D would come to my mind and I'd feel sad for him. So I'd think about things maybe I could have said to help him have peace in this area. Since he was the one who always brought up the subject, I do think he was actually looking for someone to help change his mind (despite most people not wanting to be preached to, I think he really did -- but I didn't) so I wondered if I had failed in being a person who could have done so. I almost wonder if God was trying to use me because of what was about to happen in D's life.

Imagine the shivers that went down my spine when I saw him on Facebook and learned that not long after I left in 2002 his dad was diagnosed and then suddenly died of cancer, then just a month later his mom fell down the steps and died, and just a few months after that his wife's dad committed suicide for what appeared to be no reason. He felt the need to get out of Iowa and so the summer of 2003 he got a TV job in Portland, but his wife wanted to stay with the rest of her family in Iowa and so they divorced. Last year he left Portland for Ohio but doesn't like it and is now trying to get a job as a reporter in Chicago. He's been writing a book about his experiences. . .but I can't tell if he's changed for the better since I knew him. We exchanged "updates" and he said how great it was to hear from me, but he was one of those guys that half of what made him a jerk was that he would be nice to someone's face and then turn around and make fun of them. This happened to people we interviewed that had sad stories that brought tears to my eyes! So, after 3 messages back in January that was it and I don't plan to contact him again, but if he gets his book published I'll be interested in reading it. I do hope the best for him, NOBODY deserves to go through that kind of pain.

Well that ended up being a longer story that I'd planned (what else is new, lol) so I will bring this to a close now!