6 Wks & Still In The Honeymoon Phase W/ Baby!

This was originally written on Tuesday, June 3, 2008:

Thirty-four days since my last post!

Even though I get NO time at the computer anymore (seriously, the little guy must know when I sit down because he always needs my attention during these times, haha), I wanted to make an effort to continue blogging. Not only because I have so many faithful readers which makes it worth the time to write since I don't have any books out in stores YET. . .but also because my blogging served as a sort of therapy for me during my pregnancy. Those who read those posts know more than anyone else about that time because I wrote about everything I was going through, the thoughts & feelings I had, etc. Writing stuff out and often discussing pregnancy issues with many of you afterwards was really healthy. I encourage you all to post comments or send me messages, because I also loved learning from you as well. Best of all, that special time in my life has forever been recorded!

That's one of the things I've always liked about being a writer. From the time I was a little girl I didn't sit well with the idea of being here for a short time (when you think about life in term of centuries) and not leaving something to show for it. The written word can live on forever. No, this blog definitely doesn't need to last forever(!), but in my own life years from now many of my memories of this time will have faded and so it will be fun to be reminded. Therefore, I wanted to attempt to record some of my perspective as a new mother, too! (I'm still keeping a hard-copy journal for Logan as well, although my entries are irregular. They probably will be here now, too.)

I'll pick up here where I left off. For example, to update some of my last posts. . .I thought it was a coincidence that out of the 16 couples who were at the hospital class the day after I had Logan, all but two had boys. Usually girls are more common (males are more likely to be conceived, but females are more likely to be born, so there are more females in the world than males)--but I think there was a boy-baby boom this spring!

Also, I never mentioned that during our first night with Logan, my male dog Cosmo (a 2.5 year old maltipoo) threw up and had diarrhea! Joe said that between Cosmo and Logan he'd never cleaned up so much poop in his life, haha. Unfortunately, Cosmo was sick all that week and since we were gone a lot for Logan's jaundice (including spending one night at Children's Hospital--the first time our dogs had ever been alone all night), we had a lot of carpet cleaning to do. Bella (my female dog, a 3.5 year old maltipoo)'s turn was two weeks ago--only she actually threw up blood and so I took her to the vet. She had an ulcer and had to be on medicine for a week. I really don't think either had anything to do with Logan, but rather was just bad timing. Fortunately, both dogs have been fine since.

Finally, many of you may remember how I couldn't wait to be able to lay on my back and stomach again. The funny thing was I'd had to lay on my sides for so long that I actually had to force myself to stop after Logan was born! I just automatically kept laying that way after having my baby and so it felt odd when I'd remember to turn to my stomach or back. Sometimes I still have to remind myself that I can lay comfortably now! (Nice to appreciate the little things in life.)

The past month has zoomed by at an amazing speed. After Logan recovered from his jaundice and Joe's mom left on 4/30, my mom & stepdad came over 5/7-9. So, that week I had four days by myself for the first time. I'd expected post partum depression to kick in at that point (because I was always hormonal when I had my period), but instead have experienced the opposite: I don't think I've ever been so happy in my life! Let me rephrase that: I KNOW I've never been this happy.

Most years (not all) I've thought I WAS happy and content. . .I didn't feel empty or that anything was missing in my life. . .in fact that's why I waited until I was 28 and had been married for five years to have a baby. To be honest, I'd been worried that--yikes--I'd end up regretting it. That I wouldn't recognize my life or myself anymore and end up wishing I could turn back time. I couldn't have been more wrong! The only way my life has changed is that it's better! Now I wonder what I've been doing the past 28 years--everything else seems minor and fleeting! (Although, I believe I would have had a harder time if I'd gotten pregnant earlier.)

I've been on a continuous high so am sure at some point I’ll have to come down, but for now I’m grateful for this experience. I guess it's true what they say: "Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst" (because things usually turn out better). The first six weeks of parenthood are known for being the worst so that's what I'd been prepared for. Much of this is because of the sleep factor. (Or, should I say, lack thereof. Until this past Friday, Logan never slept for more than two hours at a time. That night he slept five straight which was wonderful. Since then it's been three or four. Hopefully within another month or two he will sleep completely through the night, since that is when the average do.)

I'd always thought that I needed 9 (yes, 9) hours of sleep to be at my best. But there's something about having a baby that makes the lack of sleep not that big of a deal. It's like Christmas morning when you're a kid--only every day. I'll wake up in the night to Logan's cries, and although I'd prefer to keep sleeping, there's suddenly nothing I want more than to see my little baby and hold him in my arms. Every time I look at him, I smile. The good definitely outweighs the bad. The feelings I've had these six weeks have been better than anything I've ever experienced and I don't think anything else in this world can possibly compare. It really HAS made every day worth it that I cried in bed with all-day sickness or tossed and turned because my back hurt or I was experiencing other discomforts during pregnancy. (Now when I look at Logan--this person that went from nothing to everything--it actually seems amazing to me that my body didn't go through even MORE!) I'm shocked that somewhere there's this energy inside of me that appears throughout my day that allows me to not only function but to do it more happily than before.

If I had time to stop and think I’m sure I’d miss some of my free time (for example, this blog is being written with MANY interruptions, as I'm sure will be the case from now on), but I don't really have time to be bummed because being so busy makes my days go very quickly. By the time I look at the clock, it's time for Joe to get home. That's another reason why I decided to blog again--it forces me to stop and think for a moment which I've always felt should be a priority (to take inventory each day). Otherwise, nowadays it's pretty easy for life to pass by--but this is a time I actually want to go slow!

I'm confident I will figure out how to work on my novel again once Logan and I figure out our schedule together. (That hasn't happened yet, as every day is different, but that makes it exciting. Fortunately, I've still been able to do some reading and other things for myself. In fact, I've been watching more TV these days than ever before, just because there's a lot more sitting while holding Logan.)

Right now my life definitely revolves around the little guy, but I really don't mind focusing on him all of the time. He's made me be more productive, haha. Before, if there was something I had to do but didn't feel like, I'd just put it off until later. Now if there's a window for me to do something that I don't have the energy for, I do it anyway because otherwise it may never get done. Therefore, I'm not doing a very good job when it comes to napping (following the advice of "sleep when he sleeps"). . .I've taken four naps since he's been born. . .so that's something I'd like to improve on. Right now it always seems like when I get a break from him (i.e. he's sleeping), there's something around the house that needs my attention.

So, it's been nice to have help here & there over the weeks. After my mom & stepdad left, Jake & Melissa came back from Arizona because their house sold and so they had to close and move the rest of their stuff out. They met Logan on Mother's Day, after Joe gave me a couple of gifts. :)

I had five days by myself and then my best friend since junior high, Sarah, came over from Seattle May 17-22! It was perfect timing because Joe was told he had to work in Washington D.C. May 18-23. Sarah had booked her flight weeks ago, so it must have been a "God thing" because I KNOW then depression would have kicked in and it might have changed my impression of motherhood!

Any other time I would have managed by myself. However, having a newborn is not a time to be alone. Hats off to single mothers out there--I don't see how anyone could do this without help! At first Joe's job was going to make him stay there for a couple of months(!!!) but he told them “no way.” Fortunately, everyone agreed that his excuse was valid. So they found a replacement for the upcoming weeks. This was also a relief to him because he hates to fly and if he'd have wanted to come home on the weekends he would have had to fly regularly.

At that time there'd never been a night when I'd had to get up every single time for Logan in addition to taking care of him ALL day. But with Sarah here, I was able to have the energy to be up with him every time during the night because she helped me during the day. It turned out to be a really fun week and even she said he was easier than she’d imagined, just as Joe and I have thought.

Until then, I'd only gone out in public with Logan once (to Wal-Mart just to print out pictures for my grandmothers) but Sarah and I ran errands all but one day which gave me the confidence to take Logan out with me all of the time now, as he did excellent. In fact, he loves to be in his car seat even at home, as well as on car rides, and me carrying his car seat because it bounces him around. We even went out to eat which allowed me to relax about that, as I'd always imagined I'd have a screaming baby that I couldn't control and everyone would give me dirty looks. :p

That's been the best surprise--that Logan only cries when he's hungry (and when we're changing his diaper--you'd think we were torturing him every time; however, he hasn't cried about it since Sunday which is a record, so I'm hoping he's starting to trust us and understand that nothing bad is happening).

Just like when he was in the womb, he's very strong--last week I was changing his diaper and he kicked the box of wipes almost across the room! When I stand him on my lap, he uses the weight in his legs which I hadn't expected so soon. And, at only four weeks old he rolled over from his tummy to his back (he doesn't like "tummy time" unless he's on his boppy pillow and so the frustration gave him motivation). He's also started to pull my hair--ouch.

He could stand to work on his patience and temper. :-) When he wants something or doesn't like something it's immediately a huge deal--I have to restrain him from scratching his face all up because his entire body goes spastic while he's screaming and his face turns purple. He's knocked a bottle from my hand, hit and kicked me, and pushed away anything near him. He obviously still has his assertive personality. (I was watching Dr. Phil the other day and there was this kid who slapped his mom. I looked at Logan and said, "I hope you don't ever slap me!" But I think the violence-factor starts with the parents, so hopefully I can prevent Logan from using his aggression negatively when he's older.) But, he is quick to forgive and get over it. As quickly as his mouth opens like it's going to swallow his face, it closes and his tears stop (yes, he has tears rolling down his face which I didn't even know babies got for a few months). Despite the few times he's like this, the majority of the time he's easy going, sweet, happy, and still sleeps most hours of the day.

For Logan's first two to three weeks he was sensitive to light and so he was more active at night than during the day, but fortunately that is no longer the case. (Now it's morning and evening, which is just like when I was pregnant with him.) He has started to smile and laugh which melts my heart over and over. Best of all, he seems to know who I am now! He looked at me with recognition the other day which was awesome. Also, when he's starting to fuss and I pick him up, he stops and will rest his head on my chest as if he's cuddling. Awe!

He seems so much more aware & alert these days and is starting to figure things out--like, on Friday his pacifier fell out of his mouth and his hand happened to be below his chin, so he pushed it right back! It's so much fun to watch these milestones. There's never a dull or boring moment. (Especially since every now and then I still get sprayed with pee. I've learned how to avoid getting pooped on--he always farts first--but the pee has hit me in the face, hit him in the face, sprayed the wall, the floor, my hair, my back. . .and the "tee-pees" that you can buy don't work [at least ours keeps falling off]. But the times are getting less--both I think because it's less common as boys get older and also because I'm getting quicker with the diaper.)

Anyway, I was sad when Sarah had to leave--and even sadder when the next day I learned the horrible news that her dog had died! Cinnamon, her doberman for the past six years, had the exact same ailment that took Joe's mom's rottweiler last summer at the very same age. An enlarged heart. Cinnamon was not sick beforehand--her death happened very suddenly in the presence of Sarah's neighbor who is a vet. Sarah was at her parents' house in Iowa when she learned the news and so it was very difficult to return home to Seattle after her trip to the Midwest. Please keep her in your prayers as this is one of the WORST possible things for anyone to experience.

On Memorial Day (5/26), we went over to Mike & Sara's (Mike used to work with Joe before he switched jobs in May 2007; Sara still works there). They were grilling out with the rest of Joe's old co-workers and the other girls who gave me the Omaha baby shower (who I go scrapbooking with--and this past Sunday we went to go see Sex and the City-The Movie). It was a lot of fun and everyone there met Logan for the first time :-)

The other days last week flew by. On Saturday, 5/31, Sandi (Joe's mom) came over to see Logan for the first time since the end of April. (My mom and stepdad had stopped by on Saturday, 5/24 on their way home from Branson, MO to also see Logan for the first time since the first week of May.) It was a beautiful day and so we ate outside and then Sandi & Joe took Logan for a walk in the stroller. Joe and I had taken him for a walk a couple of times prior, including once to the park & lake in our neighborhood that I hadn't been to since last Labor Day--just a couple of hours before I learned I was pregnant :-) Now that summer has officially begun here in Nebraska, I hope to take walks with Logan regularly. We've gone the past two evenings as well and the temperature was perfect.

I've lost all but 5 of the 42 pounds I gained while pregnant. The last seven have been slow (I'm only two pounds less than when I last wrote here at two weeks post partum). I've been wearing all of my old clothes since two weeks post-partum, but strangely I still can't fit into my wedding ring. I took it off in October and miss wearing it. Hopefully I won't have to pay to get it resized.

It’s really incredible how having a baby has changed my perspective when it comes to my body. Like a lot of women, I’ve never really "loved" my body. But after seeing what it went through while I was pregnant, and then during childbirth, and even now afterwards with such little sleep—there’s no way I can hate it. I saw it do the most amazing thing ever! Being pregnant and giving birth really is a beautiful thing.

I had not expected to lose weight without doing anything, as I’m not one of those people with a fast metabolism or naturally hard body. So it was a nice surprise. I have faith in it for the very first time—I realize that it's smarter than me and knows what it's doing--heck, it made a human being and even now it's keeping him alive by making breastmilk without my brain having a clue. My body was really put through the ringer during pregnancy and childbirth, and even now with the lack of sleep--and yet somehow I feel better than ever. I can’t help but be impressed with ALL women's bodies now!

Even though I'm still five pounds over what I was nine months ago, I can't be critical. I appreciate my body now, having been 42 pounds heavier six weeks ago and TRULY feeling out of shape. Sure, my body could use some toning (as it did before, it doesn't look any different now than it did last September), but thanks to motherhood, I can embrace it anyway! It’s a very mature feeling.

Yesterday morning I did aerobics for the first time since having Logan. It wasn’t something I was able to do very often while pregnant and so it felt weird (but wonderful) to do it again—especially the abs workout (my stomach felt so empty of muscle). My OBGYN had given me the go-ahead for exercise (and sex) on Friday at my six week check-up.

My doctor's appointment was kind of sentimental! The last time I went to her office was 2.5 days before I gave birth! I remember how I’d taken the gravel road and hadn’t cared about all of the bumps because I’d hoped it would start labor, haha! So, driving on it again made me happy that I was no longer uncomfortable (my stomach had been so big I could hardly breathe and I was having those bad tightening pains which made the five minute drive seem long)--but at the same time I admit there was a small sad feeling that all of the anticipation for the birth experience was over!

There’s only been one day that I teared up for no apparent reason since having Logan. Joe was like, “What is wrong?”
I answered, “My labor was too fast!”
He turned around and walked out of the room. :p

I had to laugh, too, as I know that is not a common complaint, so I tried to explain. It’s not that I really wish my labor had been longer (I pray I’m lucky next time, too) but during the not-so-fun eight months prior all I could look forward to was the day I gave birth. Everything was getting ready for that huge day. It was always hanging around me--and, sure enough, it turned out to be the biggest and most special day of my life. Better than when I got engaged or my wedding day. The HypnoBirthing helped it to be an extra positive experience so that without drugs, the pain did not distract me from it. I wanted to hold on to every second of that once-in-a-lifetime experience (well, once-in-a-lifetime with Logan) and really see how my body worked naturally and what it was meant to do.

So, there wasn’t time to snap pictures of myself heading off to the hospital, or of me in the bed, or of my room, or my nurses, etc. I’d always imagined Joe videotaping me as the hours went on, but it was so rushed that, as I said in my son's birth story, I couldn’t really talk or focus on the environment around me from beginning to end. Between the wet washcloths on my forehead during labor (as sweat was dripping off me those last four hours while I pushed), pictures were the last thing on my mind.

Once I came home from the hospital I felt that day was already so far in the past—but I wanted to stay in those unique and wonderful feelings forever. However, just like when you get married and you spend the months prior planning for the wedding day, you soon realize those hours are only the beginning and there are plenty more good times ahead—it’s just hard to imagine beyond that point until you’re living it. Although, unlike my wedding where the months prior I had been riding the rollercoaster UP, so all I could go was DOWN afterwards (I had "post wedding depression"), this time I’d been going DOWN the months prior, so the good thing was that after I had Logan all I could go was UP! :-)

When I took a seat in the waiting room of my doctor’s office, I received smiles from people who were glancing at Logan. :-) A lot more people start conversations with me now when I go out in public with him. Last week I was carrying his car seat through Wal-Mart and a woman stopped and said, "Those are heavy, aren't they?!" I nodded emphatically. (I'm sure sweat was pouring off my forehead. I should soon be a "muscle woman" from carrying that thing around--geesh!)

At the doctor's office, everyone kept commenting on what a chunk he was and I started getting curious as to how much he weighed now. When it was time to get my blood pressure and weight checked, I noticed a baby scale there as well. The nurse said we could put him on there. . .and he was nearly 12 pounds! (11 lbs, 15.5 oz!) My mouth dropped to the floor, I couldn’t believe it! In four weeks he’d gained four pounds—that’s really good for a newborn! Both Joe and I were super chubby babies (my ped. told my mom back then I needed to go on a diet), so Logan is probably destined to be as well. But it was still a surprise after his 11% weight-loss the first week and more ups & downs with breastfeeding (more on that in my next post).

I sat in the back as I waited for a room to be available, and another woman was sitting there who said that looking at Logan made her want another baby--but she already has five so she’s sworn she’s done!!! We chatted for a bit and then the nurse that I always had when I was pregnant came out to talk to me and congratulate me. It was so weird to have Logan on the outside of me now. He was the same baby whose heart we'd always listened to before, whose size we'd measured in my tummy, etc. She showed me to my room and I looked into the same mirror that I'd looked into during my first appt. when I'd just learned I was pregnant, then later as I was getting huge and ready to go!

My OBGYN came in shortly and said, “I remember you, you were quite the trooper!” I was really honored when she started reciting all of the details about Logan’s birth, as she remembered everything about the day as clear as me. I would have thought with so many deliveries I would blend into the next one, and she’d have to refer to my chart, so it's really nice that she truly knows who I am. I wasn’t sure she remembered me from year to year when I was just an annual patient, but having seen her so much the past nine months I’m not just a familiar face anymore--I actually have a history with her. (I'd also sent her a card w/ a picture of Logan & me a couple of weeks after he was born, thanking her for everything, so maybe that helped, too.)

After chatting about babies and motherhood like we were two friends rather than doctor and patient, she checked to make sure that I’d healed properly, which I had, and then asked if I had any questions. I said, “Just one about my labor—I know that the way that it started was rare, with my water just gushing out and contractions not starting for another hour. Was there a reason for that difference?” She nodded and explained that because of my pelvis, it forced Logan’s head to be in a weird position. This put pressure on my bag of water and so as he started to drop (which happens to everyone as labor approaches), his head broke the sac! This was also what caused him to be face up, as he was basically unable to turn. . .which means I have over 60% chance of my next pregnancy being a posterior baby as well. :-( I really hope I'm in the 40th percentile. My doctor repeated what I'd read after my birth experience--that this type of labor is generally the longest and most painful kind.

Still, I was happy to hear her say that we can still try for a vaginal birth next time. I had planned on asking her if that would be an option since the last time I saw her it had sounded like there was no question that I’d have a c-section next time. But she brought it up before I even asked. She said that we will keep a close eye on things during my next pregnancy, as far as the baby’s weight and the positioning. During labor my doctor will allow me to push--but no more than two hours (rather than the four this last time). I am perfectly fine with that--I just wanted the chance to try rather than automatically have a c-section scheduled in advance. I trust that my doctor knows what she’s doing and is confident in her abilities to know if/when something is wrong so that if it looks like my next baby is going to get caught or that it could be be dangerous then we’ll proceed to surgery, but otherwise I can practice HypnoBirthing for another natural vaginal birth, since the HB obviously saved me from having a long dilation-phase and extra pain. For those who didn't read my HypnoBirthing blog, you can click here to understand what it's all about. (For those who came to this page due to wanting to avoid a posterior baby and/or small pelvis, I recommend you click on the following three links to blogs I wrote about this subject: Part One. Part Two. Part Three.)

I thanked my doctor again, telling her how happy I was with the way things went considering the circumstances. (I also learned that Logan's shoulders were caught in my pelvis, too, which is another dangerous situation, as if that happens before the baby's head is out then the head can get stuck, too, but also be too risky at that point for a c-section. Needless to say, I'm really glad I have a top doctor who can tell what's going on before it gets to that point!)

I’ve since either heard about or talked to ten people who had the exact same situation as me as far as the small pelvis and ALL of them ended up with c-sections. Even though it WAS rough for Logan and me, we both recovered quickly. Yes, that's not something you can know in advance, but a c-section wouldn’t have guaranteed that Logan wouldn’t have had to go to intensive care, either. We know someone recently who had a c-section and their baby was in the nicu for two whole days with a much worse situation. And, a friend of mine’s baby also had jaundice and had to be on the fiberoptic blanket despite NOT having a traumatic birth or being premature. So that’s why I want to just take my next pregnancy as it comes. (There it is again: "Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst.")

Don't get me wrong--there are many women in my situation who prefer the c-section route, and there is nothing wrong with that since this is a valid reason to have one. But, for me personally, I really liked my HypnoBirthing birth experience (aside from the four hour pushing) and want to do it again.

My doctor and I chatted for awhile longer and then I asked if I could take a picture of her with Logan since I’d forgotten on the day of his birth. She said “sure” and kept commenting on how cute he was and that his face looked a lot better than when she’d seen him last and it’d been bruised. Once again, I was honored that she remembered him. She said that she loves her job, even though it’s crazy, it’s nice to be a part of the most special day of peoples’ life.

The only other thing we talked about was birth control (there’s a progesterone pill I can take while I’m breastfeeding) but I declined since I had such a bad experience on the regular birth control pill which I was on from 2003-2004. I should have asked her about some spotting I had that morning (and the following day as well) with slight off & on cramps. (I think it may be from my uterus contracting while breastfeeding.) It wasn’t my period, as the first is supposed to be painful, heavy, and long (greeeaat) but I don’t know when to expect it, because for women who are breastfeeding it can happen as soon as six weeks or as late as when a woman is entirely done breastfeeding (or any time between). Yes, there ARE perks to being pregnant: no periods!

That night Joe and I went out for hamburgers at Fatburger which just opened up nearby. Once again, we received a lot of smiles from other customers. A woman came over to our table and asked how old Logan was. I said, "Six weeks exactly." She said that he looked like a really sweet baby and that God had really blessed us. I agreed!