If My Mom'd Had A Blog

*This will be all that I post for the next week since, as I said in my post Andrea & Julie/Julia, I am now going to do my (novel) writing retreat. . .so I will post a "Logan update" when I return!
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When I was pregnant I mentioned that I'd started a journal for Logan - I still write a letter to him there once a month. I think in the back of my mind I got the idea from my mother because she kept a journal for me starting when I was two years old that ended when I was six years old. I read it when I was in junior high but then it was packed away until recently I asked my mom to dig it out!I'm so glad I read it at this point in my life! Especially parts like, "you never tire of me reading to you" (I still never get tired of reading!) and "you said the first 8 letters of the alphabet today while eating your cereal in your high chair & watching Sesasme Street" (it is fun to think Logan might do that in May since that will be when he's the age I was). Also, "you still make such a mess when you eat - in fact I think you're getting messier" (that's how I feel about Logan right now!)Thank you, Mom, for letting me share some of the entries here, like my first haircut on Wednesday, Feb 3, 1982 (I was a little over 25 months old; Logan is 21 months old and hasn't had one yet, either):

Today you went to the beauty shop for the first time. At first you screamed and cried furiously but after a sucker and dampening your hair with the spray bottle you started laughing. I think it looks real cute. I went shopping all afternoon and Amy babysat. You still cry when I leave you with a sitter. (*I did this until I was 8 years old--that's why I've always been so relieved that Logan doesn't cry when I leave him.) Daddy is at another party tonight.Friday, March 12, 1982:

This morning you played at Michael's. Yesterday he played here. You still have trouble sharing and had to be punished several times for grabbing toys out of Michael's hand. You have done excellent being potty trained. Yesterday we played outside for 1.5 hrs and you got soaked in the sloshy snow but enjoyed it. (I didn't enjoy changing your clothes 3 times!) Daddy has been gone most of the week and you miss him.Wednesday, May 5, 1982:

Yesterday morning you got one of the worst blows ever. Stephanie was riding the glider too fast and you turned in front of it and got knocked down as it hit you right in the eye. There are cuts above and below your eye, not to mention the bleeding and swelling which looks awful. I wish things like this didn't happen. I rushed you to [the pediatrician] and luckily there isn't any eye damage.Thursday, May 6, 1982:

Your favorite book is Baby's Birthday and you have it completely memorized word for word. It is so funny to listen to you recite it even without the book in front of you. Daddy and I can hardly keep from laughing. I got all of the papers for you to start preschool in September. I pray it works out because it should be fun. I love you and the way you kiss and hug us spontaneously.*This one I was shocked to read because my mom told me I never had eczema and Joe's mom said the same thing about him (when we asked our parents since Logan has gotten it twice and many experts say it runs in families). But check out this sentence written when I was two-and-a-half years old on Thursday, June 24, 1982:

I wish those little eczema spots would heal on your cute face. You have been saying the complete alphabet perfectly the past couple of weeks.

Sunday, July 18, 1982:

Today started out pretty gloomy and rainy but we got the car washed inside and out. You are napping now. Sometimes you are so shy when you are in a social situation and other times you should be more reserved because you are wild. You and [kids] play nicely now. It's fun to watch you becoming more social. Wish your dad could be here more to do more of the talking to you so you wouldn't have to listen to me disciplining you so much. Today is a day I would like to be with his folks or mine as everyone is with families. That would be nice for you to have much more time with grandparents. You can count to 30 all by yourself. We're practicing Spanish numbers now.*OMG my first fears were dog poop and Jesus!!! What? Oh - apparently I got scared when I saw Jesus on the cross. :p On Sunday, July 25, 1982 she wrote: "You won't talk on our bedroom phone because [a picture of] Jesus is back there."

Wednesday, July 28, 1982:

It's a perfect summer day. We're sitting outside. I have lots of cleaning to do in the house but it's really pleasant out here and I think you like playing outside better. We usually go someplace every morning and now you ask "where are we going?" after breakfast each day. We're working on the days of the week and getting the correct name for meals. Daddy has been working days and nights the past 3 days but will take the rest of the week off. Yesterday we went to both malls. You were great except you walked off with your stroller and I couldn't find you for a couple of minutes. I was scared to death! We tossed a penny in the fountain and sat on a bench and ate a delicious sandwich.Tuesday, August 17, 1982:

You are going through a very disagreeable stage now and it's very hard for me. It's been very hard on the both of us because Daddy has not been around very much for several months. I pray God gives us the strength to have a good life together anyway. I'll do the best I can and leave the rest up to God. I hope you know what's in my heart for you, Andrea - the best.
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*My mom put a note in later that said on my parent's 12th anniversary (8/26/82) my dad said he was moving out/they separated.-------
Thursday, September 9, 1982:

We are trying to adjust to our new situation with Daddy away and trying to keep very busy together and apart. You only take about 1 nap a week. It's strange how things have changed so much since I began this diary 8 months ago. Will our lives ever be truly happy again? Or does happiness only last a day or 2? I hope you or I don't suffer too many ill effects from all this that your daddy is going through. Remember, Andrea, God is always with us and will give us the strength to get through each day. It's hard to remember but it helps to say it over and over during a hard time.
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*My dad asked to move back in around Thanksgiving 1982 but kept his own place so was hardly ever there, so that summer (1983) when I was 3 years old my mom filed for a divorce and it was final on Monday, April 16, 1984 when I was 4 years old.
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Thursday, December 9, 1982:

This has been a struggling time for all three of us. We had a conference with your preschool teacher on Monday. She said you are very quiet and only talk when asked a direct question. You survey each activity before you attempt it. If it is something you are interested in you will stay with it for a long time. Like playing with dough or with water - your two favorite things. You try lots of things even if it's dirty or messy. You even surprised them by jumping off the top of the jungle gym onto the mats. At home you have been drawing pictures of rainbows or people with eyes, ears, nose, mouth, hair and a neck or body. Linda says you will do well academically.On Saturday, January 22, 1983, a month after I turned 3 years old, she wrote "I think you will be left handed as it becomes more apparent. I guess that's okay."

*Thanks, haha! (These pics were taken earlier, when I was 15 months old)Thursday, March 17, 1983:

In July you start swimming lessons and in September you start dance as well as your second year of preschool. I took you to a Kids Concert last Sunday at the high school and you sat for the first 45 minutes but the last hour you got up and danced around the aisles. I was mad and embarrassed because you were loud and wouldn't sit down and ran away from me 3 times. You spent 6 days at Grandma & Grandpa M's house while Daddy & I spent several days on vacation at the Lake. They said you were very good but just wanted to eat cookies for mealtimes. I bought you a workbook last week and you do so well with it. I'm really proud of you. You play at Stephanie's a couple of hours a week which is nice. You play with your beauty kit and doctor kit almost every day. They have been good toys in the wintertime. Our house seems small from playing inside so much.Sunday, April 3, 1983:

It's a few minutes before bedtime and you are reading some books on the couch. Daddy came over today for a few hours since it was Easter, that was nice. You were pretty excited about the Easter bunny. It was fun. We went to church and then had a nice dinner. Yesterday I told you all of the events of the weekend and after I was done you said, "That was a good story, Mom." You like my rocker - you said it's like a swing.

Saturday, June 25, 1983:

We went swimming yesterday & today at the pool. We both enjoyed it. It was super crowded but it was okay anyway. We went shopping this morning around town and you were pretty good. Our weekends are nice and during the summer I feel you are a good kid. We're gonna be okay you & me. What a lifesaver you are for me! God love ya.Tuesday, July 19, 1983:

Daddy went to watch you at swimming lessons and we were so thrilled you learned so much in 10 lessons. Face floating, back floating, swimming (treading, face down and kicking), diving for pennies, holding your breath a long time. Daddy and I are getting a divorce. I want the best for you, Andrea, and so that means Daddy is going to live somewhere else and you and I will live here together. I want the best for myself, too, and I've been very sad and lonely married to your daddy most of the time and so it's time for me to become happy and have fun with other friends. I'm doing the only thing I can do and I'm sorry you are caught in the middle. I know I can do a better job of caring for you if Daddy is not my husband anymore. There are many good men in the world and maybe one will be right for me someday and we can be a whole family again the way it's supposed to be. If I didn't have you Andrea with me through all of this mess I would be so miserable but you have uplifted me the past year and made each day worth living. Thank you for being my lifeline. You asked me this week, "I know when I was a baby I was in your tummy, but where is the hole where I fit in?"

Sunday, August 21, 1983:

Last Sunday in church you loudly announced, "Time to go everybody!" as the organist started playing the last song. Everyone turned around and chuckled. One day Tim had a runny nose you said, "It looks like Tim has honey on his nose." Yesterday you took a look at your bowl of chips and said, "How old are you?" I said, "32" and you said, "Oh so that's how come you get more than me."

Friday, December 23, 1983:

You are brushing the candy cane out of your teeth right now. The lights on the Christmas tree are blinking and we're listening to a Carpenter's album. We're going to Kansas City for Christmas. We went for Thanksgiving, too. You had a nice birthday on Wednesday. You had your four year old check up and did excellent, everything is perfect. For your birthday you had a Baskin Robbins train cake which was cute. I picked up Stephanie, Michael N, & Michael L. They each brought a gift and you had lots of fun. (*I'm in the blue dress) At your preschool conference Linda said you prefer the dramatic imaginative activity the best. Then gross motor. You continue to try everything. I talked to her about your extreme pretend situations. You had a Halloween and Christmas party at preschool we went to. At dance you are practicing 3 numbers to be in at the recital. 2 ballet and 1 tap. We've had very severe cold weather the past month. Hope we have a safe trip over Christmas. You had your picture taken with Santa. You took chocolate chip cupcakes to preschool to celebrate your 4th birthday. You draw a picture of a person really well, I think that is so great. You eat too many sweets, not enough fruits & vegetables. The picture on the Christmas card came out good of you. You are still very attached to your pooh bear - some days you insist on taking him to your babysitter's. (*I received my pooh bear when I was one year old and I may or may not have slept with it until Logan was one year old. Now you can see why I'm fine with him having never wanted a comfort item, haha!) You were Strawberry Shortcake for Halloween and played with your costume hour after hour until it finally disintegrated.Sunday, February 19, 1984:

You are down in Missouri with Daddy this weekend. You get so excited when you are with him. Our days zip by. We have some time together on weekends but during the week I'm usually so tired and drained. I'm afraid I won't be able to give you dancing lessons next year - maybe gymnastics - because it is so expensive and then you are pretty tired at 5:30 Wednesdays anyway. You are so verbal. I hear your chatter from sunup to sundown. The only time you stop is when Sesame Street or Mr Rogers are on.

Tuesday, April 3, 1984:

Honey, some day when you read this I want you to understand how hard it has been for me to raise you and discipline you alone. You don't have any idea yet and won't til you have a child of your own how much energy it takes to give to parenting. It's a responsibility I wanted for a long time and still want the experience. I love the fact that you are a little girl and I hope you enjoy being one. You are talking to me now. It's time for bed and I've run out of patience as usual. I love you. I always wish I had more to give you. We are working on your yelling at me. You have got to learn to talk nicer to me. It's so hard for me to see the mistakes I'm making with raising you but I'll keep trying and hopefully with my love I'll be able to do a good job with you. We're also working on picking up your toys that you leave out and scatter about. Thursday, April 19, 1984:

My dear little Andrea you are asleep now. The living room is a disaster from your toys. Keeping this place clean is so hard. I wonder what type of house cleaner you'll be after seeing how cluttered I allow you to be. I love your imagination. Some funny things you said recently: "Mom, why do you always beat me?" I said, "Andrea what do you mean?" "Whenever we drink juice you always beat me." Then another time, "Mom, why don't you have a pointed chin?" "Why should I, Andrea?" "Because you have long fingernails like a witch." You think having a trash collector is a real sign of prestige because everyone on the block has one but us. One day when I was going to the bathroom you answered the phone. I begged you not to answer it at all but you insisted. I said "Please don't tell them I'm in the bathroom or that I'm going to the bathroom." You said, "I didn't tell them that - I said my mom is going poop." Luckily it wasn't anyone I knew. I love you anyway, you crazy little munchkin. You watched The Wizard of Oz a couple of weeks ago more intently than any other movie you've seen. It made such an impression on you and you are still talking about it. I don't know if it's good or not but you talk to strangers at the stores and tell them all sorts of stories. They are so wild. At first I tried to correct you but now it's impossible to keep up with your imagination.Saturday, September 22, 1984:

You have been very mouthy lately so I've been disciplining you a lot - spanking and scolding. Sometimes I am not happy with the way I handle your naughty behavior. I try but somedays I don't do a very good job. Please understand I don't mean to criticize you so much and be so rough and hard on you. You push me to the limit some moments until I think I'll explode. We fight with each other verbally and I'm constantly trying to find a better solution for our bickering. You insist that you are 5 (older). Tomorrow you start CCD. You have a very determined, stubborn nature. You seem very head-strong and a go-getter. I love you. You get lazy on your minding me and talking very rudely to me and I just can't tolerate you being mouthy at age 4. Your attitude and language is so abrasive at times. You have awakened in the morning most of the time grouchy since you were born even if I try to gently wake you up.Tuesday, January 1, 1985:

We have had a lot of trouble adjusting to my job getting up so early and having to be ready right away. It's so nice to have holidays as a break from the routine. Hope you can get back in the groove tomorrow. Sometimes you are SO negative - it bothers me. I am constantly trying to get you to see the positive. I'm sometimes very hard on you and say things I don't mean but it's so important for me to find strength in myself to discipline you because I see so many irresponsible people in the world and I don't want you to be one of them. I wish there was more time for me to be more patient and time for me to play with you more. Many times you are so independent that you prefer to play with friends or by yourself and it is difficult for you to be patient with me. I hope when you look back on your mother and your home and childhood you can remember happy memories and good feelings. I hope I have loved you and hugged you enough.Monday, February 17, 1986:

You have always been quite a story teller and now your latest thing is saying you have magic powers. You create games, riddles, and jokes - none of which makes sense but you're trying. You play extremely well by yourself - entertaining yourself for hours, I'm proud of that.

Monday, May 19, 1986:

I love you. You are a very special and good little girl. I feel much better about our relationship now.------------
*There were a lot of entries between these dates that I didn't print here, but the above entry is where the journal ends. Approximately six months later my mom started dating my stepdad, and in August 1988 (when I was eight years old) they were married. So my mom did indeed find a "nice guy" who turned out to be a great father figure in my life.
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There were many parts of this diary that made me tear up. . .to name one, her words to me about her divorce. I was also left feeling sad as I thought about my relationship with my mom today. When she started this diary she was 31 - just a year older than I am now. In today's world I don't see my mom and I as similar or with anything in common. I always wonder, was she at one time more like me and just changed with each year - or have we always been two completely different people? Here, there were things she wrote that sounded like sentences I've written in this blog - so I was able to identify with her for a brief moment. This was good, but it also made me mourn the loss of this part of her I never knew.

I also felt sorry for her having to have been a parent all by herself. Thinking about raising Logan on my own or with Joe gone most of the time made my energy level drop tremendously! No wonder she was stressed, I don't blame her for having to be a firm mom. I definitely wouldn't be able to be relaxed or have as much fun each day as I do with Logan and have as much patience, either, if the whole world was on my shoulders. It seemed like such hard work and she did the best she could, but didn't feel she was doing good enough. I wish she wouldn't have been so hard on herself and would (still) emphasize the good rather than what she identified as failures. (See, obviously I learned to think positive, haha.)

Because, she had a hard time forgiving herself and therefore overcompensated in later years which are the years "I" have issues with. All I needed was for her to look at life from my perspective, be in tune with what I wanted and needed - I'm sure if she was like that now I wouldn't think twice, but because my mom still struggles with being able to do this with everyone, it is only now at 30 years old that I can say I forgive her. I hope she can forgive me for still having a hard time talking to her properly (as she wrote was one of her fears when I was four)!

It was also sad to read about me as a toddler and imagine Logan (especially seeing how similar we look in the pictures!) Many things my mom wrote about me at age two sound similar to Logan at almost two. But I changed - however I don't want Logan to change. . .right now he is a clean slate and he has so much promise. But obviously my mom felt the same way about me. Mothers worldwide have the same feelings for their children, the same reactions to experiences, etc! I guess I never consciously thought about it before, but my mom loved me when I was two the same way I love Logan at almost two. But I can't remember that because with each year as life/our environment changed, our relationship strained - and so we still have to work on the same issues to this day. I'm so close with Logan and we get along so well and he still acts like I make the sun come up in the morning - but to see that maybe I once had that and it was lost during my second year of life. . .I just can't stand the thought of that ever happening with Logan.

I love my mom and appreciate all of the effort she put towards me, doing everything she could so that I would have a good life. Thank you for the dance and swimming lessons, Mom! I like where I've ended up, who I've become, and I obviously wouldn't have gotten here without her. I wish that our relationship could be smooth sailing, but after reading this I see that maybe that was not our destiny from the start! But she was my first best friend and she taught me how to love, which Logan benefits from every day. I was never deprived of affection and I've never doubted her love. So, although I am purposely doing many things different with Logan, I also have many happy memories from my childhood that I DO look forward to repeating with my children.