The Discipline Book--Part One

In June I wrote a post titled Attachment Parenting. It was a summary over the The Fussy Baby Book by Dr. William & Martha Sears. I couldn't imagine agreeing more with any other style of parenting, so the Sears family became my go-to source for everything parent-related!

Last summer I mentioned that I'd bought another one of their books, The Discipline Book, hoping it would give me confidence in that area, too. It did. Therefore, just like The Fussy Baby Book, I wanted to summarize The Discipline Book so that I can refer to it when I need refreshed -- and also provide others with this wonderful information! (In my other post I gave page numbers to each paragraph but in this one I did not - so I wanted to mention that it is still copied almost word for word from their book.)

The main message is "if you know your child well and are sensitive to his needs, so that he trusts you, the ability to get him to behave well will follow naturally because he wants to please you" and "the deeper the parent-child connection, the easier discipline will be."

I definitely agree. Days when I have the most energy and am in the best mood, even if Logan starts off in a bad mood he almost always ends up easy and happy that day, wanting to make me smile and doing things he knows will make me proud of him. On days when I am tired or grumpy he often seems harder. I don't think this is a coincidence! Like, what came first - the chicken or the egg? I was on such a high for my first 4 months that I think he picked up on that and was a relaxed, happy baby (even though looking back on his first few days I would have thought he'd be the opposite).

Over the holidays last year I started to get stressed (due to the busyness and being stuck inside all of the time) and guess what? That's when I felt Logan got harder. (And Logan got easier again in the summer - life had relaxed and we were getting plenty of sun.) Don't get me wrong - prior to last winter he wasn't mobile and then suddenly he was, so obviously he was harder - and some babies are definitely harder than others, so no matter how much of a high a mom may start off on she may not be able to remain there no matter what! But, I can tell that Logan is so in tune with me that even if I try to fake it, he can tell my exact mood and it definitely has an effect on his.

So, using the book's words, Discipline is more about having the right relationship with your child than it is about using the right techniques.

Discipline methods fall into three categories: the authoritarian style, the communication approach, and the behavior modification approach.

For the authoritarian style (how I was raised) - many problems can occur. For one, the child can fail to feel the parents' love. The child can also internalize fear of the parents' power to the point that it controls her life, even in adulthood. Most important, however, is that when it is used as the sole method of discipline, authoritarianism simply doesn't work. There are several reasons for this. First, it causes parents to focus so much on stamping out the bad in their children that they tend to overlook the good. Also, the emphasis on punishment keeps parents from learning more appropriate ways to correct their children, ways that could lesson the necessity for punishment in the first place. Worst of all with authoritarian discipline, children behave more out of fear of punishment than desire to please.

For the communication approach - the good news is that it respects the child as a person whose actions result from feelings and encourages parents to delve into the feelings behind the behavior. Parents also use empathy and understanding to create a generally positive atmosphere in the home so they can limit the use of the word "no." The main problem, though, is that parents tend to lose their authority, instead taking on the roles of amateur psychologist, negotiator, and diplomat. Children may end up not respecting authority because their parents do not expect them to. This style runs the risk of being overpermissive.

For the behavior modification approach - the trainer focuses on shaping behavior, conditioning the child without judging her. The bad news is that sooner or later you are going to run out of them, or run out of the energy it takes to apply them consistently.

The Sears' approach (what I follow with Logan) uses the best from all three - you must take charge of your child, but not in a controlling way. You should communicate with your child, but in the context of a trusting relationship. You need discipline tools to help you handle real-life situations, but when these techniques don't work, you need to fall back on a deeper understanding of your child. Here are some tips on how to do that:

1) Get Connected Early - connected children know what behavior parents expect, and make an effort to behave this way because they want to please their parents.

I have said many times that Logan and I are so much on the same wave length I sometimes feel we use telepathy! When my friend Sarah was here last month she couldn't believe that at one point when we were watching Joe use the snow blower on our driveway, Logan ran away and I said "oh he wants his chicken nugget leftover from earlier." We had finished our supper about a half an hour prior, but he'd left a lone chicken nugget on his plate. When he came back to the door with the nugget, she was like, "how in the world did you know he was going to get that?!"

Very rarely in his life have I not known what is up with him. Even from "day one" when I was clueless about babies and was just meeting him. It became important for me to get more and more connected - and I can see the positive effects in Logan's behavior and personality to this day. But he is still a 20.5 month old so we do have our bad days (as I most recently mentioned in my post Andrea & Julie/Julia)!

2) Know Your Child - know your child's needs and capabilities at various ages. Your discipline techniques will be different at each stage because your child's needs change. A temper tantrum in a two yer old calls for a different response than it does in a four year old. Tolerate things that go along with a child's age and stage (for example, most two-year-olds CAN'T sit still in a restaurant but we connect behavior that is disrespectful or dangerous to the child or to others. For two year olds, action follows impulse with no thought in between.)

3) Help Your Child To Respect Authority - an authority figure needs to be both warm and wise. Start as a nurturer, a baby comforter - you get to know your baby and your baby trusts you. Children respond with genuine trust and respect rather than fear and rebellion.

4) Set Limits, Provide Structure - Establish rules, but at the same time create conditions that make the rules easier to follow. Children need boundaries.

5) Expect Obedience - Abusive control is when you forcibly impose your will upon your child, expecting her to obey, but to the detriment of your relationship. When you insist on obedience and help the child to get control of herself, you are using your power over the child in a good way that helps her develop inner controls. Remember, children want limits so that they don't feel out of control, and they want parents to stand by those limits. They keep testing the limits to see if you will uphold them.

6) Model Discipline - it's unhealthy to model perfection - a goal that neither parent nor child can meet. It's overall impression that your child receives that counts, not the occasional blunders or outbursts. Parents, you are the first people your child knows. You are the first caregivers, authority figures, playmates, male and female. You set the standard for your child's attitude toward authority, her ability to play with peers, and her sexual identity.

7) Nurture Your Child's Self-Confidence - a child who feels right acts right.

8) Shape Your Child's Behavior - When a child gets encouraging responses to desirable behavior, he is motivated to continue it. When a child gets unpleasant responses to desirable behavior, it dies out. However, when a child gets lots of attention, positive or negative, for undesirable behavior, it may continue, especially if that's the only behavior that gets a response.

9) Raise Kids Who Care - Teach them to take responsibility for themselves. One of the most valuable tools for life you can give your child is the ability to make wise choices.

10) Talk and Listen - Talk to your children respectfully, the way you want them to talk to you.

To learn more about the above list, check out The Discipline Book's 19 chapters: Our Approach To Discipline, Birth To One Year: Getting Connected, Understanding Ones, Twos, and Threes, Saying No Positively, Taming Temper Tantrums, Fathers As Disciplinarians, Self-Esteem: The Foundation Of Good Behavior, Helping Your Child Express Feelings, Making Anger Work For You, Feeding Good Behavior, Sleep Discipline, Spanking - No? Yes? Sometimes?, Discipline By Shaping Behavior: Alternatives to Spanking, Breaking Annoying Habits, Disciplining Bothersome Behaviors, Sibling Rivalry, Morals and Manners, Building Healthy Sexuality, and Discipline For Special Times and Special Children.

I highlighted way more in the book than what is in this post, but some of my favorite points are:

How we become who we are is rooted in the parent-child connection in the first few years of life.

Factors of connected kids that make them easier to discipline:

*They want to please
*They are willing to obey
*They are more self-controlled

Factors of connected parents:

*They respond sensitively to their child's needs
*They respond appropriately, neither giving too much nor too little.
*They know their child. They are observant of age-and-stage appropriate behaviors.
*They are in charge of their child in a guiding, not controlling way.

Attachment parenting begins with being open to the cues and needs of your baby, without fretting about spoiling or being manipulated. It gets discipline off to a good start by helping you get to know your baby. Alternatively, parenting styles that place the emphasis on parents getting their babies on a set schedule, under control, are likely to keep you from connecting with your baby and can undermine the development of true discipline.

A baby's cry is designed to ensure that his needs for food, holding rest, and social interaction are met. His cry also develops his mother's parenting skills. Responding to your baby's cries is your first exercise in teaching your baby to trust you. It's an exercise in disciplining your baby. A baby who can express needs becomes a child who can express feelings and an adult who has good self esteem. (For more about Attachment Parenting, read my post with that title HERE.)

To promote desirable behavior, think of yourself as a facilitator to keep you from hovering over and smothering your child with overprotection. When your child is going through a healthy independent stage you stay connected, but at a distance.

Studies have shown that toddlers who had a secure attachment to the mother tended to play more independently and adapt more easily to new play situations than less attached toddlers.

Child and adult psychologists believe that pleasant separation experiences in early life act as a sort of psychological vaccine against the anxiety of stressful separations that come in later childhood and adulthood.

It is necessary for a parent to say no to a child so the child can later say no to herself.

Too many nos and too many yeses cripple a child's self discipline. It's important to achieve the right blend of yeses and nos in a child's environment.
--Present a positive with your negative.
--Parks and play yards provide space and a "yes" environment in which to roam and climb. If you find yourself isolated with a curious toddler who is flitting from thing to thing and you're chasing him around the house saying no, consider changing to something more fun. Go outside; take along a good book and plant yourself in a safe location to let him run.

Temper tantrums are a normal byproduct of infant development. Their desires are a step ahead of their mental and motor competence. That's how they keep going. Their strong will helps them get up and try again. They need persistent personalities to motivate them to master new situations. A child will not learn how to solve problems unless he has problems. Normal tantrums are a result of your child's development and temperament, not of your parenting. Take this tantrum as an opportunity to connect. What really helps is for your child to see you manage YOUR temper tantrums. "The stronger my child's will, the stronger must be my connection." Attached parents can read their child so well that they naturally create conditions that minimize tantrum behavior.

Staying calm in the face of any feeling is a measure of emotional maturity. Your child will learn how to handle his anger by watching you. Our goal is to acknowledge and communicate our feelings (so our children know we are real people) and at the same time model to them the kind of real people we want them to become.

Research has shown that connected children and their mothers get angry with each other less often. Attached parents know they don't have to be harsh to be in authority.

If you did not experience a secure attachment as a child, you probably struggle with a lack of inner peace as an adult. Parenting can be therapeutic. It can show you where your problems are and motivate you to fix them.

Nighttime discipline involves giving your child two messages 1) Nighttime is for sleeping and 2) If you have trouble sleeping, I will help you. Nighttime responsiveness sends your child the message: We care about you at night, just as we care about you during the day.

By age three, many children are ready to go without a nap and have an earlier bedtime.

Spanking is not okay. . .they basically repeated everything I wrote in my post last July, The Truth About Spanking.

Throughout life your child will be exposed to positive influences (builders) and negative influences (breakers). Parents can expose their child to builders and help him work through the breakers. It's up to parents to screen out those who pull down their child's character and to encourage those who build it.

I'll end with my favorite: Infants who get used to the feeling of well-being they get from attachment parenting spend the rest of their lives working to keep this feeling. Because they have so much practice at feeling good, they can regain this right feeling after temporary interruptions. These secure persons cope better with life's setbacks because they are motivated to repair their sense of well-being, which has become integrated into their sense of self. They may fall down a lot, but they always wind up back on their feet.

*For healthy discipline ideas to try, read PART TWO.