The Discipline Book--Part Two

*Continuation of my "book summary" post, The Discipline Book--Part One.

Dr. William Sears, M.D., and Martha Sears, R.N. wrote this wonderful book for "how to have a better behaved child from birth to age ten." This book is not a book that I read just once - I will be referring to it again and again and again over the years!

In my last post I shared some of the main points/messages of the book. In this post I'm going to share some of the actions you can do. (By the way, I'm not getting paid to write this post - I just love the Sears style of parenting!)

Discipline Talk

*Connect before you direct - Before giving your child directions, squat to his eye level and engage him in eye-to-eye contact to get his attention.

*Address the child - Open your request with the child's name "Stephen, will you please. . ."

*Stay brief - Use one sentence.

*Stay simple - When your child shows that glazed, disinterested look, you are no longer being understood.

*Ask your child to repeat your request back to you - If he can't it's too long or too complicated.

*Make an offer the child can't refuse - You CAN reason with a two or three year old, especially to avoid power struggles. "Lauren, get dressed so you can go outside and play."

*Be positive - Instead of "No running" try "Inside we walk, outside you may run."

*Begin your directives with "I want" - Instead of "Get down," say "I want you to get down." This works well with children who want to please but don't like being ordered.

*When...then - "When" implies that you expect obedience, works better than "if" which suggests that the child has a choice when actually you don't mean to give him one.

*Legs first, mouth second - Instead of hollering "Turn off the TV, it's time for dinner!" walk into the room where your child is watching TV, join in with his interests for a few minutes, and then during a commercial break, have him turn off the TV.

*Give choices - "Do you want to put your pajamas on or brush your teeth first?"

*Speak developmentally correctly - The younger the child, the shorter and simpler your comments should be. Consider your child's level of understanding.

*Speak socially correctly - Speak to your children the way you want them to speak to you.

*Speak psychologically correctly - Threats and judgmental openers are likely to put your child on the defensive. Instead of "You need to clear the table," say "I need you to clean the table."

*Write It - Reminders can evolve into nagging easily, talk with a pad and pencil occasionally.

*Talk the child down - The louder your child yells, the softer you respond. Sometimes just having a caring listener available will wind down the tantrum.

*Settle the listener - Before giving your directions, restore emotional equilibrium, otherwise you are wasting your time. Nothing sinks in when a child is an emotional wreck.

*Replay your message - Toddlers need to be told a thousand times - they have difficulty internalizing your directions.

*Let your child complete the thought - Instead of "Don't leave your mess piled up," try "Matthew, think of where you want to store your soccer stuff." Letting the child fill in the blank is more likely to create a lasting lesson.

*Use rhyme rules - "If you hit, you must sit." Get your child to repeat them.

*Give likable alternatives - "You can't go by yourself to the park, but you can play in the neighbor's yard."

*Encourage your child to use words instead of body - "Use your words to tell Mommy you're upset."

*Give advance notice - "We are leaving soon. Say bye-bye. . ."

*Open up a closed child - Instead of "Did you have a good day at school today?" try "What is the most fun thing you did today?"

*Use "when you...I feel...because..." - When you run away from mommy in the store I feel worried because you might get lost.

*Close the discussion - If a matter is really closed to discussion, say so. "I'm not changing my mind about this. Sorry."

If a child continues to misbehave, Time Out is the correction strategy that works much of the time. The Sears explain time-out versus benching. Not only does time-out help children to behave, it also helps parents! Keep the time brief - one minute per year of age. They suggest using a stove timer or alarm clock and let the child decide his next course of action.

What if your child refuses to go or stay in time-out? Sit with her, and if necessary keep putting her back physically and give her the message "I'm the adult here. We are taking time-out." If the time is short enough and you are calm, there would be no reason for her to protest.

So far time-out is working for Logan & me. In my post last week titled Andrea & Julie/Julia, I mentioned that I just started doing time-out with him last week because he started hitting. (By the way, that post has a link to what Dr. Sears says about the common issue of toddler hitting.) Logan has improved. . .last week he was hitting Joe and me about 100 times a day (I'm not exaggerating) - now it's about 5-10 times a day. I'm rotating between two methods - either hugging him or telling him to "give me five" before he gets the chance to hit, otherwise I stop his arm in mid-air and say "No hitting - hurts!"

Recently he hit me on the head and it actually did hurt, so I yelped "Owe! That hurt Mommy!" and I got a pained look on my face. Logan got very concerned and pointed to my head and said, "Owe!" I said, "Yes, you hurt me." Logan said, "Owe, Mama. Mama, ouch" and then kissed my head! That is actually when I noticed the major decrease in hitting. Reminding him that he's hurting me seems to have the biggest effect. I say, "Do you want mama to hit you?" (even though there's no way I would ever, ever, ever do that!) Logan says, "No no" and shakes his head so then I say, "That's right, mama won't ever hit you and so Logan must never hit, either." I tell him that if he does it again then he's going in time-out. So the times when he does, I interrupt him by saying, "Time out!"

He always stops and just stares at me as I carry him up to his room. I then close the door and watch the clock for 1.5 minutes. (Once he gets to be two years old I will use the timer and put him on a chair.) So far he hasn't cried, and when I open the door he's happy and is better behaved. It's funny because he truly acts like he knows I mean business when I'm carrying him upstairs but yet he's not scared or freaking out or anything, we're both calm. So I am very optimistic that if we have made this much progress in one week with hitting then hopefully he will stop completely soon!

Babysitter says he plays wonderfully with the children at her place so so far the only people he's hit are Joe and me. In fact, my parents came over last weekend and my stepdad told him "no" for something and Logan walked over to me to hit me, LOL!

I'll conclude with some of the points I ran my highlighter over. . .

Children learn better from their own mistakes than from your preventive preaching.

Motivators help family life run more smoothly (example: reward charts, creative rewards, the ticket system, etc.)

Sometimes humor is the best discipline - I was glad to see this because there have been several times over the course of Logan's life when he's been whiny and I can't get him to stop and so then I just start acting goofy and he starts laughing and it puts the end to his temper tantrum or misbehavior.

Withdrawing privileges - You'll never run out of this one! Kids will always want something from you.

Some common toddler issues the book goes further into (aside from hitting and biting) are: supermarket discipline, dressing, toothbrushing, facewashing, whining, dirty words, soiling pants, name calling, grumbling, answering back, the unmotivated, sibling rivalry, dishonesty, cheating, not apologizing, interrupting, tattling, not sharing, gender and self esteem issues, hyperactivity, add, aggression, shy, and fearful children.

I have to admit, reading about all of the potential issues that could possibly come gave me a headache! But it feels great to be prepared. Just as the Sears' gave me confidence and great results when Logan was a baby (with The Fussy Baby Book, you can read my post over that book here), so did they with The Discipline Book which is a wonderful feeling! :)