The Truth About Spanking

In my post, A One-Year-Old And Two Dogs, I mentioned that I don't believe in spanking. Here is why.

Logan is so sweet these days! I've known from day one that he had a very "gentle" soul. Especially the one time when I yelled in the kitchen after dropping a cooked pizza on the ground and he burst into tears (More Of Son's 7th Month). I hoped this meant that he wouldn't be hard to discipline -- and, so far, that has been the case. He is very well-behaved, but I've still started reading The Discipline Book by Dr. Sears (I've written about Dr. Sears in two previous posts: The Fussy Baby Book and Attachment Parenting) because I don't want to be a "permissive parent" - I want to have the tools when a difficult situation occurs in the future.

On Thursday, June 4, I was feeling like I'd been neglecting my spiritual side lately, so I listened to an episode of Focus On The Family. I used to listen all of the time to that show and Family Life Today when I worked in radio for three years. They were really helpful and often times exactly what I needed to hear at the perfect time. So when I heard the topic was going to be disciplining younger kids, I thought this might be the perfect episode for me! Instead, I was horrified. Through the entire broadcast I kept cringing and shaking my head. It was the complete opposite of what I felt in my entire soul & being. Even though I know Dr. Dobson has a good relationship with God. . .I do too -- and God tells me something different!

The episode was all about how more parents should be spanking; spanking is the key to discipline. I don't mean to offend anyone because I am sure some of you who are reading this are on his side. Granted, I haven't been in a situation yet with Logan when spanking would even be considered for people who do spank, but even then, it's just not going to be on my list of options. Dr. Dobson pointed out that if spanking is done in a loving way then it is not harmful to a child.

What? Since when is hitting a loving act? And who decides at what point hitting is harmful to a child? I'm not a violent person and yet I would not put confidence in myself that I know what is the "appropriate" or perfect degree to which to spank. The rule is, parents are not supposed to spank if they are angry or frustrated or any emotion that might make them spank too hard. This is ridiculous. Isn't the reason a parent feels the need to spank because they are in a situation where they have become angry and frustrated with the child? They aren't doing it because they're feeling relaxed and happy! The point of spanking is to instill fear in a child so they will obey they parents. Well I'm sorry, but if that's why your child behaves then I am not impressed with your child - I feel sorry for them. A child who is seriously abused often acts the same way.

Teaching a child to obey because it's the right thing to do, not because they are scared of you, seems like a more permanent, successful, and healthy way to discipline. After all, since when is violence an appropriate way to get along in this world? Spanking teaches that violence is the way to get your message across. And, anything you say or do when not hurting isn't "serious." That's why children who are spanked are MORE likely to rebel and actually be worse behaved.

I can speak from experience. I was spanked by numerous people (including my school principal) until about the age of 8. (The picture of me is when I was five. I look so innocent on the outside, haha!) I remember thinking at the time, "these people think they are so tough, I'll show them!" Then I'd purposely do the behavior again so as to see the looks on their faces when they realized that they hadn't won. Yes, it was a contest to me - adults might be stronger physically, but I was going to be stronger mentally. I went on my merry way while they were left feeling out of control.

Those who met me as a teen or later are probably having a hard time picturing me like this, but everyone who knew me younger remembers. I was not a "good little girl." About the age of three I began misbehaving at my pre-school. It started when I didn't want to pick up toys after playtime. I discovered a hole in the wall and found a girl to be my "partner in crime" to hide when it was time to put our toys away. The teachers didn't see us and we wouldn't come out until they'd gathered all of the kids around for story time. Then the other girl and I would make our appearance. I remember the teachers being shocked - where had we been?! We did this a couple of other times, but they began ignoring us and we stopped.

The hiding stopped, that is. My behavior only got worse each year. By the age of six I was being sent to the principal's office on a daily basis. I found another "partner in crime" and we used to climb over the bathroom stalls and use it like a playground rather than come immediately back to the classroom after break-time. Our teacher used to get so mad at us. . .but the meaner she was to me, the more I didn't like her, so the more I would do anything I could to upset her.

One day I really did have to go to the bathroom. But because of my prior history, she did not let me go. I remember thinking, you'll be sorry! I told my classmates that I was going to just go right there in my pants on the chair. They gathered around me, telling me I was so cool because nobody else had the guts to do it. So I did. And my teacher was mortified. Of course she hadn't believed I would do such a thing. I'm sure it was uncomfortable for me, but I didn't care. It had been worth it to get my point across!

When I moved to a new town when I was 8, I continued my same tricks. But things were different. My mom had remarried and my mom hadn't gotten a job yet. My stepdad saw right away that the way I had been disciplined by EVERYONE in my life had not been working. Even though he'd been spanked quite often growing up, I commend him for not doing it with me. I'd be willing to bet that all parents who spank their kids were spanked themselves. People are most likely to default to the way they were disciplined, so those who were spanked and have chosen not to should be commended.

Instead, my parents used positive reinforcement. For my first eight years, the only way I knew how to get any attention from anyone was to behave badly. Otherwise, I just blended into the woodwork. That's why it didn't matter to me if I was spanked - it was attention, after all.

In third grade at my new school I refused to do my homework so I was failing. My teacher arranged meetings with my mom & stepdad before school and gave them a list of my assignments. Then my mom would sit at the table with me after school and make sure I did them. They also hired a math tutor for me that summer.

When I did well, I was encouraged. My fourth grade teacher helped - I remember that when I got an "A" on an assignment she had me stand in front of the room and everyone clap (I'm sure the class was like, ladde-dadde-dee, lol). She was the first person to notice that I had a writing talent and she really believed that I had a future with it; she gave me the first confidence to seriously pursue it.

So, I began to behave well in school and my grades improved dramatically, but I was still acting wild with my friends. Then one day (still fourth grade) I remember one of them saying, "I can't wait to see you in high school. You're going to be the first to drink, smoke, do drugs, and have sex with all of the guys." Instead of laughing or agreeing, I remember feeling a pit in my stomach and thinking, really? That's me?

I went home that night and her words were all I could think about. She was right -- that's where I was headed. I had no fear. I was one of the wildest kids in my class. But she was wrong about that being who I was. Because now I understood the consequences of my actions. I had begun to set goals for myself. I wanted to have a good future, but doing those things my friend mentioned might make it hard. I knew there was more to me than testing authority and breaking rules. I didn't want to risk messing up my life or going back to only getting negative attention. In fact, I didn't even feel the need for much attention at all anymore.

My friend and I weren't friends anymore in fifth grade. In fact, by then I'd lost all of my old friends. . .those who did go on to have their rebellion in high school. I had a reputation of being a good girl the rest of elementary, junior high, and high school. I received a 4.0, was in the National Honor Society, and receieved "student of the month" by teachers -- which was a milestone since at one time teachers had hated me! (And all of my bosses at my adult jobs begged me not to leave.) I busied myself with activities like being editor of the literary magazine, parts in the school play, captain of the cheerleading squad, first chair alto saxophone in band, and one ratings in speech contests. When I graduated I was a virgin who had never drank, smoked, or done drugs, LOL. I rebelled a little in college because my parents got scared went I left home so they went back to overprotective-controlling parenting (even though I still never did anything that bad) so obviously I still had the same tendencies because once I felt I could live my own life again, I went back on "the right path" for myself.

Anyway, after adults redirected me when I was 8/9 years old, I felt so much better using power to do good things in my life, rather than using my energy to fight with those who were trying to tie me down. It's so much healthier when a child decides on their own to be good. Granted, at three years old they aren't capable of doing that - but that's when it starts. Actually, at birth is when their foundation is set up either to be raised in a way that is loving, productive, and "parents are on a child's side to help not hurt" -- or a way that is strict, fearing, and makes a child confused as to whether parents really love them if they are hurting them.

I know that all children are different and require different forms of discipline. What works with one might not work with another. But spanking might be disguised as working when it really isn't. After all, why do people stay in domestic violence situations? To say that spanking isn't in the same category doesn't make sense.

Those who are pro-spanking argue that it's not child abuse. And don't get me wrong, I am not saying parents who spank are mean or bad parents by any means. 45% of parents in America still spank (forty years ago 90% did) and I am sure the majority love their children dearly - such as, Dr. Dobson. But during his entire broadcast I could not wrap my brain around how it made sense to anyone!!! Most things I can see both sides to. . .but this I just can't.

Of course, I am biased to attachment parenting because everything I've been reading and surrounding myself with since Logan was born screams "don't spank." But the reason why I am such a proud follower of AP is because it is where my heart and soul was for years before I became a mother and knew anything about attachment parenting. It just makes sense! Treating your children with respect teaches them respect. Treating your children with aggression teaches them to behave with aggression. (Joe obviously agrees, too, because he was never spanked and was almost too good to be true for his parents. . .he still is, lol, for example he's never even said a swear word ever in his life. Seriously.)

According to Parenting Journals.com, "After decades of silence on the matter, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recently drafted a statement against spanking. In it the organization notes that spanking is “harmful emotionally to both parent and child, [and] it also interferes with the development of trust, a sense of security and effective communication.” Which is precisely why child psychologists, parenting advocates and social-service agents are waging a nationwide publicity campaign to discourage spanking.

In the May-June 2009 issue of Mothering Magazine, there was a good article "Spare the Child, Spoil the Rod" by Laura Andre. She backs up what I used to hear Dr. Phil say over & over on his show for the several years when I used to have time to watch it religiously: studies have proven time & time again that spanking is not effective. A report by the University of Michigan "draws on hundreds of published works in a variety of fields -- including psychology, medicine, eduacation, social work, and sociology -- to measure the effectiveness and long-term outcomes of this model of discipline."

The study asserts that "contrary to parents' goals when using it, the more parents use physical punishment, the more disobedient and agreesive their children will be. The report states that a meta-analysis of 12 studies from several countries found that mental health problems - such as depression, anxiety, and alcohol and drug use - increase in children with the frequency or severity of physical punishment. The study also cites evidence that these problems can continue into adulthood. The research points to several factors that explain why this type of punishment is ineffective:

*Children do not learn why their behavior is wrong or how they should behave
*Pain and fear can deter children from understanding and internalizing the parents' intentended disciplinary message
*Children learn to avoid poor behavior solely in order to avoid punishment
*It models for children that aggressive behavior is appropriate
*Children may become afraid of their parents, and learn to associate love with violence

Parental physical punishment of children is legal in 49 states. Only Minnesota has laws that can be interpreted as making it illegal. To read the study, see www.phoenixchildrens.com/PDFs/principles_and_practices-of_effective_discipline.pdf.

I encourage parents to not consider spanking as a form of discipline. There are a ton of books out there (such as, Dr. Sears' The Discipline Book) and a ton of child psychologists to help parents find effective methods because so many people want to get rid of spanking in our country since it's not helping our children become respectful adults. I'm proud that my son is already showing respect and he's doing it because I'm working with him; i.e. he can see that authority figures are a positive thing, not something that he needs to rebel against which is most often the case with "authoritarian parenting" which will just make him follow me with his tail between his legs. No thanks.

I'll end with a picture my mom took of me when I was Logan's age (she also did time-out with me, which I plan to do with Logan). Apparently I used to sing, "The cheese stands alone" during, haha!