Poor Pup

Joe and I will be driving home from Chicago today! In a post I wrote over the summer (Our Weekend) I mentioned that we had bought Chicago Bears tickets because my husband is a huge Bears fan but has never seen a game at Soldier Field. So on Friday when he got off of work we drove to his mom's house in Iowa, spent the night with Logan, and then on Saturday morning Joe and I drove to Chicago until today. We will pick up Logan at my parents' place in Iowa (where he went yesterday) and then return home to Nebraska.

I'll save my post about our weekend in Chicago for tomorrow. For today, I'll catch you up on the past week:

Monday was Logan's 18 Month Check-Up, which I already wrote about in Friday's post (First Peanut Butter).

On Tuesday we had the dogs' vet appointment, as those know who read my post (The Dog Expert Has Been Called). However, what I had thought was going to be a very simple appt. didn't turn out to be. (I wish I'd brought more for Logan than just puffs - we sat in a room for an hour-and-a-half so after the first hour he got whiny!)

Early in the summer Cosmo (my male maltipoo) had a bump on his side that wasn't anything. The vet had shaved the area and it went away on its own right away. However, a month later a different bump (more lumpy and bigger) appeared on his chest. I didn't take him in right away because we'd JUST gone for the other lump that was nothing.

Then, a couple of weeks ago (after approximately two months of Cosmo having the lump), I had a dream that we had to put Cosmo to sleep. I was very upset when I woke up and immediately called the vet for an appt. But I still didn't think it was anything to be concerned about. Cosmo just turned 4 on Halloween so he is young. (This pic was taken 5/27/07; you can see more pics in my post titled A One Year-Old And Two Dogs)It wasn't until we were waiting for our vet to return to the room with results from the biopsy, that I began thinking about my complaints from the past couple of years. Aside from Bella biting Logan twice, my frustration has been about Cosmo because he's the one that barks, he's the one that doesn't always obey, he's the one who I have a hard time controlling when he's around strangers and other dogs. But he also makes me smile the most because he can act so silly, he makes me feel so much love because he's so affectionate and loving (Bella is, too, but she'll pull away and decide when she's had enough, Cosmo will kiss you forever), and he's the only one (of all three of my kids, lol) that will let me hold him as long as I want!

So I feel awful that two weeks ago when I thought that I might have to give my dogs away because they've suddenly both started biting, I was so depressed at the thought of them possibly going to someone who could abuse them or somewhere they would be unhappy - the thought came to my mind that giving them up might be harder on me than them dying. I believe that our pets go to heaven with us (they are the definition of love). So that's when I knew the results before the vet told me. . .because that's how life works. . .ugh :(

Sure enough, she said Cosmo has "definite cancer." The good news is that if it is stage 1 or 2 then all they do is remove the lump and that should be it. The bad news is that if that happens, more than likely it will come back and so we will have to keep a close eye on him for the rest of his life. If it is stage 3 or 4 then we will have treatment options such as chemotherapy. . .but I can't even bear to think about that. Cosmo is my fragile dog. The reason why he can get out of control is because he is so timid and insecure. There's no way he'd do well with chemo, and I don't want him in ANY pain. The slightest thing scares him and it's always very obvious whenever he's in pain, whereas Bella has never once acted sick or in pain (which I find hard to believe has never happened in 4.5 years). Therefore, if it's stage 3 or 4 then that awful dream I had the night before I made the appt. is going to come true. :(

The vet took some blood and a urine sample. . .and the next day she called and said his urine showed that the cancer has possibly spread to his kidneys (which would mean it's in other organs as well). We won't know anymore until his surgery - this Wednesday, November 11th.

I'm trying to remain strong until then. (This pic was taken on 7/7/07.) Apparently there is sometimes a false positive with the urine and so it doesn't mean the cancer is for sure a stage 3 or 4. I'm reminding myself things could be worse - thank God it is not Logan. After being through some scares with him (his jaundice, his brachial cleft fistula) I will never prepare myself for Logan to die because I pray to God I will die before him - but I have always been prepared that there was going to be a horrible day that I'd witness Bella & Cosmo's death. Hopefully this isn't the time for Cosmo, but there is no avoiding it someday, and chances are we know what's ultimately going to take him.

In some ways I think it might be easier on Logan if it did happen now, though. They are so incredibly close already, their bond is only going to get stronger as the years go by. While Bella would be fine without Logan, I think Cosmo's best time of his life has been since Logan was born! I think he feels he has a purpose (big brother to Logan) and he gets so much joy from playing with and kissing Logan.

But it's never going to be easy on me. On Thursday Joe said, "Can you imagine how awful it'd be driving driving Cosmo to the vet knowing that once he gets there he'll be put down?" That night I balled my eyes out.

I'm the one who holds and comforts Cosmo when he's scared, who has rubbed his belly when he's been sick, who has cuddled with him on the couch (he's the one who is always on my lap), and I'm the one who picked out the little guy at the pet store (I'm never buying from a pet store again - Bella was from a breeder and has never had one health problem, Cosmo's already had problems with his knee caps, teeth, stomach, etc.). Cosmo's soul is just so gentle and sweet. He's so playful, so happy-go-lucky. Joe said he has always felt closer to Cosmo (Bella's always been "Mommy's girl") and so it's sad to see Joe crushed about this news, too. At least right now Cosmo's not showing any signs that he has cancer. Except that he's on Bendadryl from the biopsy until his surgery (yes, the over-the-counter stuff for humans) so he has been lazy since his appt.

But there's definitely no way I'm giving my dogs away now (as I said before, it's either both or none). I'm not giving up on my Cozzy! So if he ends up having many more years with us then hopefully Sally The Dog Lady will help me.

That morning I had gone over to Jenn's (my friend and next door neighbor) for scrapbooking. She hadn't had a scrapbooking day since April because then she went to Utah for the summer (where she's from) and I'd put scrapbooking on hold in place of a photography hobby. However, a couple of months ago I mentioned on this blog that Joe & I have decided to wait until the spring semester to take our photography & photo shop class (i.e. start the hobby). So it was fun to get caught up on scrapbooking now that Jenn's baby is 2 months old and she's started it up again with other stay at home moms in our neighborhood from her church (she's Mormon). I enjoyed the company of the other moms and the yummy lunch prepared by Jenn!

I forgot to mention last month that I resigned from writing web health articles (all of the same info is posted on my blog in the middle of various posts so if you read my blog then you haven't missed anything). I found out the doctor's website had permission to copyright my work and would get paid if they distributed it. I prefer owning my work so I decided a year was enough of that. But throughout the year it was great to receive awards and recognition for helping other moms and moms to be.

Not much happened on Wednesday. . .I took Logan on our first walk since the dog biting experience but we went to a different part of my neighborhood. I also decided to cancel our appt. with Sally The Dog Lady that evening, until after Cosmo's surgery. . .I figured his health is enough to focus on right now, we'll worry again about my dogs' behavior later.

On Thursday Logan went to the sitter's. Whenever I pick him up he gets in a toy car and drives away! It's so funny, Babysitter was like, "He does that every single time! I wonder what his thought process is?!" She said he doesn't even really drive it around the rest of the time!

We finished the day by taking a walk and playing outside. After 30 days on it, I put The Five Factor Diet on hold until after Christmas. With Halloween, Cosmo's ordeal, and our Chicago trip I lost my motivation. :/ So hopefully I'll keep off the 7 I lost (I plan to still do the eliptical every day - it's the only time I get to watch TV, haha - I rent television DVDs) and then I can resume losing the last 13 after the new year before I get pregnant with baby #2!

Lately Logan has been making a horse sound when he picks up his toy horse (he's never made animal sounds before like a lot of kids do), as well as cow and sheep, so that's cute. He hasn't said any new words lately - his talking depends on his mood: some days he'll say up to 40 words on his own, other days just one or two.

We are surprised that Logan likes spicy food. We first discovered this at a Mexican restaurant Joe & I ate at a couple of weeks ago - Logan was whining because we were eating the chips and salsa and weren't giving any to him. So we thought we'd give him a taste, assuming he wouldn't like it and then he wouldn't whine anymore - ha ha! But instead, he did - and it wasn't that he just liked it, he LOVED it! He would have eaten the whole bowl of salsa had we let him! Since then there's been a couple of other times he's begged for a taste of a spicy dish we're eating and he acts like he's never tasted something so good! Maybe that's why spicy food never bothered me while pregnant or nursing like most mothers! :p

Unrelated, he's has began having nightmares again. :( They've only been when he is done sleeping (it's what has woken him up after a full night's sleep or a long nap) but it had been since July since I'd heard that horrible scream so hopefully they will stop again ASAP. (For those who don't know, Logan's had night terrors ever since he was a newborn. Joe and I were so caught off guard back then because we never had them as children and didn't even know it was possible for babies that young, especially since he's had a very stable, secure, gentle, sheltered, love-filled, pampered life! Plus, he was so happy and calm in his daily life, never fussy or crying for long. He never woke up and they stopped around five months old, but returned briefly around nine months old - that's when we learned from our pediatrician and reading articles that it is some babies' way of their brain developing! The Night Terrors Resource Center says: "Sleep labs across the United States and Canada have shown through sleep studies, that Night Terrors happen due to increased brain activity." It happened again briefly when he was 11 months old and again briefly at 15 months. This must mean his brain is changing again at 18.5 months. You can read the difference between night terrors and nightmares here.)