Change Of Plans For Baby #2

The plan for baby #2 has always been this August or September, so that if "trying" happened on the first try then baby #2 would come three years after Logan. Conception took three tries for Logan but I've known people who it took a year or more to get pregnant with baby #1 and then their next pregnancy happened either by accident or on their first try. Other people got pregnant by accident or on their first try with baby #1 and then had to try for years for baby #2. The majority of my friends actually got pregnant on their first or second try which is like only 25% of the population. For Joe & me, according to doctors and fertility specialists, based on our age at the time (I was 27, Joe had just turned 28) we were considered an average conception (there were three months before our serious three tries we weren't using birth control). (50% will be pregnant in 4 months, 75% in 8 months, and 90% in a year.)

So, of course my next baby's conception can't fully be planned - but I'm the kind of person that feels better/more at peace having a plan in my mind. . .it helps me get prepared for everything whether it ends up happening or not. I have always done better that way and have had the best and easiest results in my life.

I'm not a fan of the "oh just do whatever and leave it up to God" statement because I don't believe that's how life works. Now don't get me wrong - God is in charge and at the center of my life, but since He gave us all freewill and brains he expects us to be responsible. Therefore, I look at life as 50/50 - 50% of what happens is God and 50% of what happens is our decision. So I always cringe at the young couple who gets married and doesn't use birth control because if God wants them to get pregnant then they will. . .and the next year. . .and the next year. . .and the next year. For some people that might actually be true, but I know that God does not want me to have 5 kids (because he didn't give me that extra dose of sanity, LOL), however I am fertile so I am capable of having had 5 kids by now.

The problem is that Joe & I don't know what is best for us together, individually, and for our children. If God came down and said "tomorrow" then we would get pregnant tomorrow (i.e. sooner than planned) but maybe the best scenario is another entire year!

I take this topic seriously because the future of my family depends on it. When we have baby #2 will affect everything from that point on. Just one year could make a huge difference - forever. But I don't feel comfortable waiting an entire extra year because what if I'm one of the people who it does take a long time for with baby #2? I turned 30 in December so apparently now my chance of getting pregnant is 15% each month opposed to 25% three years ago when I got pregnant with Logan! My mom has a friend who's daughter started trying for her first baby at age 30 and was told by several fertility specialists that her eggs were already too old! I know I'm being a bit dramatic, but what if my eggs are fine this year but won't be next year? Or, what if I have a miscarriage? 25% of women will experience at least one miscarriage in their life. So far I'm in the 85% statistic, but my mom had 4 miscarriages. Or, God forbid I have an experience like my cousin who lost her baby 3 months early.

Just because I had a no-complication pregnancy with Logan doesn't mean I'm immune from having one with my next child. The theory for my 4 hr pushing phase was that Logan was in the wrong position, possibly caused by me being pretty sedentary during my pregnancy. . .however, that may have not been a bad thing. I pretty much lived like a woman on bed rest during my third trimester. My body was not comfortable being pregnant. I'm only 5'2" and I gained 42 pounds (because I had more than average amniotic fluid and Logan was a big baby) - it was painful - and so when I listened to my body it said "be lazy" - so I was. Despite doctors encouraging light exercise for pregnant women, they also caution that the more active a woman during her pregnancy, the more likely she is to go into pre-term labor. Had I had a full time job that required me to move a lot, who knows if I would have gone into labor even earlier than I did (my water broke at 36 weeks + 1 day).

I know these are all of the "what-ifs" that do no good thinking about, and don't get me wrong, I generally don't sit around analyzing this subject, but what woman can honestly say these thoughts have never crossed her mind and had at least a little impact on her decision? So this post is just all of the thoughts that have entered my mind at some point. Of course if any of those really do happen, I know we'll do our best with however things end up, but that could make my children five or more years apart which, for their sake, I would prefer not to be the case. It would take them until my current age before they'd "be friends" - or they might never be out of habit from the past.

But if none of those "drama" situations happen - if I do get pregnant on the first try. . .am I really ready?

"They" say that you forget the "bad stuff" about pregnancy - but I haven't! Whenever I don't feel 100% good I'm immediately taken back to my first and second trimesters and think, I don't want to be sick every day for 4 months again! Of course, I'm never going to be ready for that. So I try to look on the bright side and believe that maybe having Logan now will distract me, or being active will help. (I ignore those who say that the second pregnancy is harder because you can't relax as much.) Or, maybe I will be one of the lucky ones who doesn't have morning sickness (or at least as bad) with their second pregnancy (Joe's nephew's wife had it similar to me with her first and not at all with her second.) And, I didn't try the drugs last time. . .

But, for after the baby is here - can I handle two? Will I still be able to be the same kind of mom I am now or will life become too chaotic and stressful for me to enjoy everything like I have the past two years? Our life has been calm and peaceful, I like it that way and Logan is so happy, I don't want to rock his world. (What's that saying. . .if it ain't broke, don't fix it?)

I'm also not sure I'm ready to let go of my baby (as in Logan). I know he's always going to be "my baby" but when the next one comes they are going to take on that role and Logan's going to be the "big sibling." Raising children goes fast enough already, I know that by having two life is going to go even faster. I don't want to have to turn away from Logan to focus on his sibling and then miss that moment forever with him. I want him to continue to feel that he is the most special gem to me. Some siblings do well with very little sibling rivalry or traumatizing feelings when the new addition comes. For others, it's not a positive experience. . .for life. I would like to think that's the parents' role and if I did it "right" (trying to make their lives equal) then all will be fine. But since all kids are different, and require different from the parents, sometimes the "equal" thing isn't possible.

I'm not as worried about making one-on-one time for baby #2 because they're never going to know any different (and I will get individual time with them when Logan goes to school), but I would like to still have it with Logan (maybe Joe can watch the new baby while I take Logan somewhere regularly). . .however is that realistic in our busy lives?

Some people don't like the baby phase and prefer to have their kids close together so they can get on to the older children phase. But, I love the baby phase and since I plan to only have two children, I'm not ready for it all to be over. Because, after baby #2 that is (probably) it forever. I am not in a hurry. I have savored every moment of Logan's life and want to do the same thing with baby #2. Even though Logan is a toddler now, he's still got plenty of "baby" in him so why have another baby when I still have one?

Considering everything I've written about, this may surprise you but the one thing I'm not worried about is my age for pregnancy (meaning, if I conceive easily then I'm not scared of birth defects or having a harder time during pregnancy & childbirth like some women fear) - I'm sure this is because my maternal grandmother was 37 when she had her last child, my paternal grandmother was 36, and Joe's mom was 37 when she had him - and these were all back before it was "common" for women to have children in their upper thirties or before the medical advancements we have nowadays. So, I guess I look at it like, if that is in my genes, then waiting one extra year (age 31 vs 30 to be pregnant) is not old.

Finally, is now the best time for my marriage? I've told Joe more than once that he doesn't seem to be as excited for baby #2 as he was about baby #1. (He was ready for Logan before I was.) We have to consider that baby #2 could end up being a harder child than Logan. If that is the case then I want to know that I went into the pregnancy being as excited as I was with Logan so that baby #2 feels just as wanted and adored throughout their life as Logan, even if they are completely opposite.

I think my attitude and mindset actually has a lot to do with why being a mother came easily for me with Logan - I was at the best place I could possibly be. I was willing to take on anything - getting up in the night never bothered me with Logan because I was so giddy every time I saw him, sleeping thru the night was too long to be apart from him! But let's face it, am I going to have the same patience and energy if I'm taking care of a three year old and a newborn at the same time? Especially if that baby is harder? (I can already answer that: no.) Babies sense a lot - so I want Joe & I to be at the great place we were in our marriage when we got pregnant and had Logan, because that vibe will be carried over to our next child.

Joe has admitted right now he'd like Logan to be only child (even though Logan has been fairly easy, it's still exhausting to think about doing it all over again!) but in the long-run Joe believes it's better to have a sibling, so we should do it sooner than later so that they will be there for each other as they grow up (and we're still in "the baby mode.") I feel somewhat similar (I was raised an only child so it's not an option for me with Logan; statistically three years apart is the "ideal" for both parents and siblings. Less than three and it's harder on the parents during the first couple of years, and as the children grow they may often fight because they're competitive since they're at similar stages - but because the kids are at the same stage they can play together & entertain each other; more than three years apart the children aren't in the same phase to have much to do with each other until adulthood, but because of the different stages they often fight/compete less. But there are exceptions to every rule - plenty of families have siblings who never get along no matter what the age difference and other families have an easy time and are close no matter what the age difference. I've had friends with every single age gap (1, 2, 3, 4, and 5) say their's was ideal, LOL.) So, we shouldn't have a child based on that. It should be for one reason alone: we can't wait to have another baby!

When I watch A Baby Story on TLC I can tell that feeling isn't far away. In fact, it is very possible it will be here as soon as this August or September as originally planned. I tell myself, Logan's been great, so if our genes made one kid like that, then we can do it again, right? :p

But I look back at my life and I think - wow - if I'd had Logan even a year before I did I wouldn't have been as good of a mom. Having Logan in April 2008 was the best possible moment for myself, my marriage, and even for him. At twenty-eight I was mature/stable/grounded, I'd been married for five years (been with Joe for eight) and we'd worked through all of our issues, and spring was a great time of year. My entire life I had actually always imagined myself having a Thanksgiving baby which is why February/March 2007 was the first time we didn't use contraception. Nothing happened then or the next two months (during April or May for a January or February baby) so then I started using the ovulation predictor tests for a March, April, and then finally a May baby. (Logan was due May 13th and came on April 18th.)

At the time, getting pregnant in August was my last try -- July had actually been, but we'd decided to give it one more shot and then were going to take a break until after Christmas because my only thought on pregnancy last time (aside from fearing the unknown of parenthood) was that I didn't want to be majorly pregnant (uncomfortable) in the summer. But now I realize having a winter baby would have been a lot harder for me. I tend to get SDD as it is, so I wonder if I'd be more likely to have post partum depression (whereas I was on "a high" after I had Logan in the spring). Virus' are more common in the winter, and statistically babies born in the winter actually catch more for the next few years than those born in the spring or summer. Logan has been very healthy and didn't even catch his first cold until he was almost 9 months old - maybe it was breastfeeding or splitting up his vaccines or me being a stay at home mom - but maybe also the time of year he was born! And finally, I had originally thought having a winter baby would be more comfortable for me because I could hide my baby weight under winter clothing :p But now I think with the holidays and hiding in my clothes may have made it harder for me to get my pre-pregnancy body back (instead of 2 weeks, and then after 2 months I weighed less than I did before I got pregnant). I thought it'd be fun for the holidays - but Christmas shopping and all of the holiday stuff is stressful enough by myself!

So, my first experience taught me that God knows best and I'm glad my original plan did not work. Therefore, I have asked God to do the same thing He did with Logan - let me know what is going to be healthiest for our family. I'm going to buy an ovulation predictor kit only in September. Yep, that's right, only one try. If it doesn't happen then I trust that God has a plan for everything to go smoothly and easily next year, with our children around four years apart. If it does happen this September, then I trust that God feels it's best for our children to be three years apart. I'd be due in June (which is fine since our weather is the hottest in July & August). Despite my summer friends not liking not being able to bring treats to school on their birthday while we were growing up, as a winter baby myself I always thought it would have been more fun to have a pool or water park party - so if my summer baby complains I'll remind them of that :-) (Although then both of my children will be some of the youngest in their class, but oh well.) Knowing what I know now, my order for preference is a spring baby, summer baby, winter baby, and lastly fall baby.

If our one try this September doesn't work then we won't try again until April 2011 (the month Logan turns 3 - the baby would be due in January 2012, three months before Logan turns 4) and then we'll try every month until it happens, no matter when the due date. Because by then I will be 100% ready; I plan for Logan to start pre school next fall (when he's three-and-a-half) so he'll have had several months of living more of his own life and able to fully understand having a sibling - and even be able to help, as I hear is the pro from all of the moms who have children 4 years apart. Plus, you don't have to pay for two kids going to college at the same time, LOL. Logan will also be potty trained by then so I won't have to worry about having two kids in diapers. Also, if it's a girl, which Logan is convinced it is - I've asked him a hundred times over the past six months what his sibling is going to be and he always says "sister" - it doesn't seem as necessary to have my kids close in age, in fact a girl might feel more protected the older her brother is. And, a bro who is four years older probably wouldn't pick on her like one who is closer to her age. Even another boy should feel less competition the older Logan is. Finally, there's a strong possibility that Joe & I will be moving out of state (more on that in a future post). I'd rather move before my next child is walking so they won't make as much of a mess of everything if we're having to show our house (and be easier to handle in general, at least that's how Logan was).

The downside to getting pregnant this September would mean morning sickness until Christmas (since when I got pregnant in August it lasted until Thanksgiving). But, that will be my motivation to get all of my Christmas shopping done by October! :p (If I don't get pregnant until next April then that means nausea during the summer which would be a bummer, too, but as I said before - when is a good time to be sick?!) Also, "they" say that the farther up from thirty the harder it is for your body to bounce back, but at the same time the more you spread out your kids the quicker the body returns. Since I'm only talking a year difference, I'm convinced I won't really be able to tell 30/31 vs 31/32. On a light-hearted note, both of the Chinese calendars (here and here) predict a girl for this September 2010 as well as next Feb, April, June, July, August, October, November, and December (so all except January, March, May, and September of 2011) so we'll see if they and Logan are right. :p

My hope is that because I actually care about this - unlike those who are the opposite and have children giving no thought at all to the outcome - that it will work out well for us, no matter what.

*UPDATE: Our "one" try in September didn't work so we decided to go ahead and try in October and November (but then planned to take a break until the spring). Well, I became pregnant on the third try again (in November 2010)! We are expecting baby #2 in July 2011!!!!