Okay. . I'm Ready For My First Break

This was originally written on Tuesday, August 26, 2008:

I had my massage! (I ended up having it today rather than last Friday) My only complaint is that the hour went too fast! But, an hour's better than nothing. I'm still hoping for my beach vacation (that Joe agreed to when I was in labor, haha) sometime in 2009. Having no real "time off" (that means at least 24 hrs) since Logan's been born is getting to me for the first time.

At least he is back to his easier, happier, sweet self. It took over 24 hours after Logan pooped and Joe returned home last week. I felt like Logan and I bonded a lot more with Joe gone (he slept in my room all four days in his carseat). He stared blankly at Joe for several hours after he got home from Branson--like he thought he looked familiar but couldn't place him. When Joe held him the first time he even screamed (whereas he's ALWAYS greeted him with a huge grin). I think that made Joe a little sad. Thankfully, by the next day Logan seemed to remember him--now he happily responds to Joe the way he always did before.

I think my "quiet" days are over, though. (Or at least until my kids are in school.) When Logan's awake he wants action-action-action! He finally has a consistant pattern/schedule to his days, though! He wakes up every morning at 7 or 8 am and takes a nap from 9 or 10 to 11 or noon, then another nap from 3-4 pm, and is awake until 8 pm. He's still sleeping 11-12 hrs straight through the night which is GREAT for me because I do best with my rest all at once, rather than split up. The trick for me now is to figure out how to get things done during the day and/or to find time just to myself. It used to be that I could do other things while he was awake, but now he requires my constant attention every minute of his "awake time." I'm learning how to be a morning person (which I've never been) because otherwise it gets to be 5 pm and Joe arrives home and I'm still in my pjs with my hair uncombed and spit-up all over me :p

Needless to say, pumping is impossible now (no time), so hopefully I won't have another drop in my milk supply. After my last post it did go up finally (yeay) so I've been exclusively nursing again and am at exactly Logan's amount--which means there are no more storage containers in our freezer for if he has another growth spurt, but as long as nursing continues to meet his exact demand, it will be okay.

I'm worried about what happens in two weeks, since that's how long I've gone in the past without pumping before I get a dry spell. (Although I've still always pumped at least one day a week so that I can go out in public and not have to worry about not-breastfeeding-friendly places.)

I am definitely WAY more knowledgeable about breastfeeding these days compared to when Logan was first born, so hopefully that will at least help me with my next baby. I have been researching the history of breastfeeding in America and feel my brain is full of everything a person could possibly learn about nursing. (You can click on this link to read my post titled The History Of Breastfeeding in America.)

For one, we always hear doctors say that once you get to 36 weeks gestation then the baby is fine to arrive. This is true when you're talking about developmentally--but what you don't hear is that for each week that a baby is born prior to 40 weeks, it's that much harder to nurse. I've discovered it is quite common for babies born at 37 weeks gestation (what Logan was) to have a slower time than a baby born at 40. (Logan was actually born on the first day of 37 weeks, so he'd actually just finished his 36th week, i.e. he was thirty-six weeks and one day.)

The biggest obstacle, though, of course, was the jaundice. The more severe the jaundice, the harder it is for any woman to breastfeed because the baby simply doesn't have the energy. Logan had a severe case (had to be hospitalized in an incubator) which meant that not only was his sucking lazy (even though he had a perfect latch right away and immediately knew what to do) so he wasn't getting enough milk (losing an entire pound in three days which made the jaundice worse) but he had to be fed formula for four days because he had "breastmilk jaundice" which meant the only way he was going to recover was to get him off of breastmilk briefly. But introducing him to the bottle so soon (at only a week old) taught him that bottles are easier and so that was preferable when he was tired.

Not enough sucking by Logan and no relieving my milk in other ways caused my milk supply to not come in enough--and so it wasn't until I started pumping when he was two weeks old that I could even help Logan out! (We had both ends going against us.) It took until week 7 before I was able to exclusively breastfeed (i.e. go 24 hrs without pumping/giving him breastmilk in a bottle). And that only happened after an exhausting 24/7 focus on teaching him to rely on my breast, not the bottle.

So, it was a HUGE success when Logan finally had the energy to nurse until he was full all of the time--and to prefer it to breastmilk in a bottle. Each day over the past 11 weeks has been easier than the one before, so most days I nurse all day--especially now that I barely have to do anything: he immediately knows what's coming when I take off my shirt, gets in position himself, I don't have to hold his head or my breast, or any of the things I used to have to do. I can put him in any position and even move around, which I never thought possible because he needed assistance for so long.

But, as I said in my previous post, every couple of weeks Logan doesn't take my breast, because he wants more milk. (I know that seems strange since he's in the 90th percentile with his weight, but he acts the same as a starving child--opening his mouth and searching desperately for a nipple, making sounds like "oh! oh! oh!" and then if we try and trick him with a pacifier or something, he just screams and screams and screams--huge tears pouring down his face, his face turning purple. . .nothing soothes him, it's awful!) So, at those times I go the freezer and give him a bottle, and then I pump all day to make sure my milk is flowing. Once it is, I go back to exclusively breastfeeding. But last week that didn't work. I pumped every other hour (and breastfed every other hour) for days and days and days before my milk matched his demand. It really took a toll on me.

The only good to come out of pumping the past four months was that I never had to be interrupted when out in public. But it's a double-edged sword. I had to do it to be able to breastfeed at all (and to continue after every couple of weeks). . .but now I'm wondering if my breasts are more dependent on the pump rather than Logan. (I've read so many times that it's prolactin in the baby's saliva that best increases milk, but the pump seems to do it better for me. Rather than work at getting my milk out, Logan refuses to nurse when my milk stops flowing an extra amount. I think that's still his habit from his newborn days.)

I know that when I have my next child it will be even harder to find the time to pump, so I am really going to try not to use it at all with baby #2. Of course I'd never planned on using it with baby #1 (which is why I didn't buy one until he was two weeks old) but if I carry my next baby to full-term and he/she doesn't have jaundice, then my original plan has a good chance of working. If, for some reason, the same things happen as with Logan, then I will only pump in the beginning for my milk production--but as soon as baby #2 is recovered from jaundice I will go cold turkey on the bottle! It seems that week 3 is easier than month 3 because Logan totally has expectations now to his amount of "meals." During his first three weeks of life he never indicated to me that he wasn't getting enough--we never would have known if not for the scale at the pediatrician's office.

I know the average time for women to breastfeed (including my mom w/ me) is six months, even though one to two years is actually what's recommended--but I can understand why most women stop! It's ironic I mentioned in my post titled "My Son's Brachial Cleft Fistula" that breastfeeding was easy now and I no longer doubted I could do it for a year (what has always been my goal). But since the middle of August I've been praying I can make it just two more months (to six months old)! If it seems like I can't, then I'll contact La Leche since they have support groups.

Breastfeeding is wonderful (I understand why moms say they miss it when it's over--there are no other moments I feel as close to Logan as I do when nursing. It's the most intimate experience you can have with your child; I haven't been able to find anything else that compares because it's the only way at this stage that you can cuddle and he can cuddle back! Plus, most of all, I know I'm giving him the best possible "health"--if it wasn't for that I would have given up by now)--but the women who have never had any setbacks or challenges are lucky! It becomes a love-hate relationship otherwise, which is very exhausting and depressing. If I worked outside the home there's no way I'd still be able to keep up. It's hard enough here. So that's why even though my milk supply is better now, and I'm back to nursing (but every two hours), my mood isn't any better than last week.

I'm also wondering if my hormones are returning to normal--as in, I might soon be getting my first period since having Logan. I feel like I have PMS for the first time in over a year. I actually forgot what it felt like to have a black cloud over my head like I always did one week every month since high school. I noticed during my pregnancy how I never had that, no matter how sick or uncomfortable I was, or even after my cousin's baby dying, the Omaha shooting, my trip to the ER, or my pre-term labor scare--or when I felt "blah" the day before I went into labor. I think my hormones were at a better level which is why I didn't have post partum depression even though I had post wedding depression for an entire year after I got married! I think breastfeeding might even have kept my hormones higher, but after awhile it's inevitable for them to drop back down. I can tell I'm there.

There is no set time for women to get their period back, especially if breastfeeding. Some women don't get it until they're completely done nursing (however long that may be), others have it at six months, others as soon as three months. (Non-breastfeeders have them again 1-2 months after the baby is born.)

The more hours a woman goes between nursing, the quicker the period returns. For example, since Logan sleeps 11-12 hrs every night (that means no eating) I am very likely to start my period any day now, whereas a mom who is not waiting longer than three hours between feedings will resume much later. This also means I am more likely to get pregnant! However, only two percent of women ovulate before that first period, so that's where the myth comes from of not being able to get pregnant while breastfeeding. For most, it's not until after you have that first period that you need to be careful. (Because, also, even if ovulation occurs breastfeeding often hinders implantation.) Still, since you never know when that first period will arrive you should be extra careful if you're not planning to have another baby yet! AskDrSears gives some good tips.

I've also read that your first period is likely to be heavy and painful. Since your body has not been ovulating for nine or more months, the first period is going to be hard on your body.

On to more pleasant things. . .! Logan stood up without us holding on to him for the first time on Sunday! Joe was playing with him in our living room and propped him up against our coffee table. . .and Logan stood firm so Joe let go and Logan lasted nearly a minute! He does it regularly now!After my last post when Joe & his sister returned from the Lake of the Ozarks, we ordered pizza and then they showed me an awesome slideshow that they and Joe's other sister made for their mom (they went on that trip to celebrate her 65th b-day which is September 11th).

Joe then took AnMarie to the airport early morning on Thursday and returned to work on Friday. For the weekend, my mom & stepdad brought my maternal grandmother to see our new house and to meet Logan. We had a great time. We went out to eat at Roja Mexican Grill on Saturday and Wheatfields on Sunday. Logan was on his best behavior both places--yeay.

I had never heard about my grandmother's labor experiences but it was really interesting--her first baby (my uncle) took over 24 hrs to come out because of her pelvis! This was back in the day when women were completely put out for their birthing experience (which is so strange to me) so she didn't remember any of it, but it was what the doctor told her later. I don't think that there is any doubt that the shape of your pelvis is genetic. (My cousin on her side had a c-section with both of her babies for this reason as well--and the first was posterior but not the second.) It was reassuring to me because my grandma's second baby (my mom) took 3 hrs, and her third (my aunt) took half that! My grandma is an example of how just because you have one baby that won't come out easily doesn't mean all will be the case.

Those of you who read My Birth Story might remember that it took my mom 4 hours from when she dilated to when she pushed me out. If Logan hadn't been face up, that's all my entire labor would have been, too (rather than 7.5). I'm starting to see a nice trend in my family!

I really don't have much else to report. . .Logan is growing into his name which is neat. Up until now he really didn't look like a Logan so I called him L.J. Joe used to call him Billy because of back when he kept getting his biliruben levels checked for jaundice, but that hasn't been so much lately. He can also pull my hair with his feet, LOL.

Joe rented a DVD for me so I'm going to see if I can escape into that now. It's about a woman going insane. :/

Rough Week

This was originally written on Wednesday, August 20, 2008:

I can't wait until Joe returns this evening! This has been a horrible past four days. Logan decided on Sunday and Monday not to nap AT ALL but instead eat every two hours like he did during his first month of life! As I said in my last post, my milk supply had gone down, so it was very exhausting pumping AND nursing him every hour! It reminded me of his third week/my third week of breastfeeding when my lactation consultant called and I ended up in tears because I was so overwhelmed. I hadn't planned on ever having to experience that again. Only this time instead of sleeping the rest of the time, he wanted constant stimulation--I couldn't leave him alone or else he'd start crying!

It was embarrassing because my step-grandparents came to meet him for the first time on Sunday through this morning, and so they had a distorted view of our days. Even though Logan doesn't tend to have a consistant schedule, we still somehow know how to go with each other's flow, ya know? I can't say he's a perfect baby because there's no such thing, but as you know if you've kept up on my blogs, the majority of his days on earth he's been easy. Even though he still had times of smiling & laughing for my grandparents to thoroughly enjoy, this week was otherwise identical to my only other "bad week" (three weeks ago when he had an hour each day where he cried; he hasn't done that since)--only without Joe's help, so therefore it felt a million times worse.

I hope this is just a phase because I came close to having an anxiety attack several times! I actually wish I'd been by myself and not had company because I think that made it worse. If I'd been alone I could have centered my days around Logan to get in tune with this different behavior and figure out what to do on my end, and I don't think it would have seemed so bad. Instead, I had to take a shower & get ready every morning and focus on my grandparents. They wanted to go out to eat once a day so I drove them around, etc. I couldn't just lay around in my sweats & topless nursing Logan all day!

I appreciated my grandparents offering to keep me company while Joe was gone, but I should have had them come a different week. Because they didn't feel comfortable holding him or feeding him a bottle, or diverting his attention when he was crying, etc. So that meant I had absolutely no breaks and there were many times I was trying to do five things at once. I had to let the dogs outside, bring them back in when they barked, clean up Cosmo's vomit when he threw up while I was changing Logan's diaper, change Logan's outfit four times each day due to him spitting up or peeing on it, clean up our messes, do the dishes, the laundry, etc.

Fortunately I was still able talk with my grandparents while they were here, which was enjoyable, but I learned that next time Joe is gone I'm not going to have company. It's just too much pressure to do extra. There were so many times I wanted to sob, but I couldn't because I don't want to cry in front of people. At one point I went upstairs to put laundry away and I did cry for a couple of minutes.

I actually lost four pounds over these past four days because every moment was spent running around like a chicken with my head cut off. My grandparents said they could see how I lost my baby weight, but honestly it's not usually like that! Our life with Logan has been pretty calm up until now.

I wonder if Logan is transitioning into a new pattern, now that he's older. He officially turned four months old on Monday (Sunday was exactly a year after I got pregnant, haha) and is starting to act more like a "kid" rather than a baby. For one, he's gotten LOUD!!! He makes shrill noises non-stop!!! He's also very interested in what's going on around him; he has to be involved now in everything. Normally when I take him out in public he just sleeps. This time when we went out to eat (twice to Red Robin and once to Dragon Cafe, I had no problem eating my entire banzai burger & fries at Red Robin because I was so hungry after my constant moving), he had to be on my lap rather than in the carseat or else he was going to cry! I'd never been worried about causing a scene since he'd been born--but this week I felt like he was a ticking time bomb.

That's actually why I've always been scared for Logan to leave the baby stage because it seems harder to me when they start moving around, but everyone says it gets easier, so hopefully I will agree soon!

It has been fun to see him continue to develop intellectually. I think he's actually gotten a lot smarter this week. It is so fascinating to watch him learn hand-eye coordination. Most recently I noticed him looking at his pacifier on his lap and then he slowly made his hand reach down to pick it up, then he slowly grasped it and slowly brought it up to his face and kept trying to put it in his mouth but kept missing--but still kept on trying. He also keeps trying to crawl and clearly understands that's what he will be doing at some point, but he just can't physically do it yet. It's like when people have a disability--they have the desire and know what they're supposed to do, but there's a process between your brain and motor skills that most of us take for granted.

He does the same thing with the toys on his bouncer. And, may I point out, that he favors his left side :-) I say this because I'm left handed! Joe didn't like to hear that because he wants him to be an engineer like him, haha, but left handers tend to fall more into creative professions. . .like writing :-) We actually noticed this a month or two ago but know that it's too soon to tell (they say it takes until they're two years old), however the more he plays the more we notice he is more interested in whatever is on his left, he uses his left hand more, and when he rolls to his side or turns his head to sleep it's always to the left. Well, life will probably be easier for him if he's an engineer (school and society definitely favor those better in math & science) but it'd be fun to have someone else in the family who is like me, since none of my blood relatives have even the tiniest interest in writing, etc.

I'm pretty sure he's going to have Joe's hair, though. It's funny because I'm sure you will all agree with both Joe & me that his hair is black. But his mom has always insisted it's "dark brown with red highlights." This always makes us laugh because Joe's hair is a pretty solid color! At first glance it appears that Logan has black hair as well. But, whenever I get him in a certain light, I'm like, "Ohmygosh his hair is dark brown with red highlights!" Haha! It must be a "mother" thing because I still don't see it with Joe's hair!

Back to Logan this week. . .I believe his change in behavior is one or more of the following three factors:

1) He hasn't pooped since Saturday. He's never gone this long, so if he doesn't poop today then I'm calling the pediatrician. Experts say it's not constipation until it's been seven days, and Logan doesn't act in pain or anything, but it's still not like him. I assume it's because (as I mentioned in my last post after his vaccines) he had 4 full poopy diapers on Thursday and 4 full poopy diapers on Friday. It makes sense that his body would need to make up for those so as not to get dehydrated. Still, I'd assume it'd be uncomfortable when you're used to going at least once (if not more a day), and now it's been four days.

2) His routine changed. Joe's gone and we had visitors that required a different pattern to our days. I've heard that babies know more than we think. They get used to the flow of things, and the older they get the more of an adjustment life is when it changes. They also crave routine, but we've had A LOT going on lately. There have been a lot of new faces, new voices, and now that he's noticing everything it may just be too much for him. It's a "new thing" to have to relax himself when there's action going on and he hasn't grasped that yet. It used to be the noiser the better. Until recently we even kept a sound machine on at night for him. But now he prefers the quiet to sleep, so no more sound machine--because noises feed his energy! At this age he can't communicate that he might want some "alone" or "quiet" time, so all he can do is squirm. I did notice this week that when I'd take him upstairs to nurse him behind closed doors he relaxed more than when I'd try to soothe him in front of my grandparents. However many times he wouldn't nurse because he was too fussy--but he would take a bottle. :-(

3) He's starting to understand attention! Until now he never seemed that interested in whether we "gooed" over him. But now, of course, he's discovered that life is more fun when we talk & smile at him! So whenever I left him alone to nap or play by himself, he probably thought, hey wait a minute I prefer staying up with her! But no naps and constant stimulation make a baby fussier. That's something I'm more open to working on when it's just him & I at home, but when other people are around I don't feel comfortable letting him be so loud for an undetermined amount of time. He doesn't understand what it means to talk softly at this point, haha--when he babbles he's a shouter!

I also still haven't thrown out the idea that he's teething, despite there being no buds yet. He only takes his pacifier about 1% of the time now, but chews on his fingers and drools a lot.

One thing I can't complain about is that he has started sleeping TWELVE peaceful hours, straight through each night! He goes to bed around 8 pm and sleeps all of the way until 8 am. (Since 3 months old we haven't left the closet light on for him as I first mentioned in my "Preparing for Brachial Cleft Surgery" post.) His naps still vary during the day, but he always totals the average amount of sleep per day for this age (still 15 hrs).

At least I was smart and slept the entire time Logan did the past three nights, so I'm not a zombie.

P.S. I wrote the above blog at 9:30 this morning and now it's 5:30 PM. I already have an update to report--good and bad news. The good is that Logan finally pooped today at 3:30! We'll see if that makes a difference with his behavior. Joe just arrived home and the first words out of his mouth were that he was shocked that Logan looks & acts older that just four days ago!

The bad news is that my grandmother found out that she has breast cancer. Please keep her in your prayers. . .my step grandparents are in their mid-seventies and have always been extremely involved in my life. From the time I met them after my mom & stepdad became engaged in 1987, they immediately welcomed me like I was their biological grandchild--inviting me to stay with them for a week every single summer until I graduated high school, visiting me at college and every single place I've ever lived, they've called me every weekend to find out what was going on in my life, and in college sent me $5-10 each week! They came all of the way to Omaha from Eastern Iowa to dogsit my oldest dog (Bella) for a week when she was 7 months old when Joe & I went to the Carolinas, as well as to see our new house less than two months after we moved here last year, and now to meet Logan. I have known other women with breast cancer, and they have given me great hope that my grandma will be okay as they are all survivors except one: my aunt (dad's sister), who passed away before I was born. I will be getting out my pink bracelet to wear during the month of October for breast cancer awareness month!