Update

This was originally written on Wednesday, November 5, 2008:

(Another long one.)

For the second time since Logan was born 6.5 months ago, I'm feeling like I could use a break (the first time was in August when he was 4 months old). It's been a rough week. After I last blogged on Wednesday (Breastfeeding May Never Be Easy) I was in pain, so the thought of pumping or breastfeeding was so not appealing to me. I let my breasts get as engorged as I could tolerate before pumping for 5-10 minutes two times that night. I immediately stopped taking fenugreek because for once I did want my milk supply to go down, and being engorged is pretty darn uncomfortable. For my nipples I used ice packs that my cousin's wife gave me, as well as lanolin cream (that I had leftover from the hospital), but I was still sore all day Thursday as well. Washing out the pumps nearly made me pass out (I am not good with blood).

Friday night had been over 48 hrs since I'd nursed and I noticed that the red marks had lightened up a lot so I gave breastfeeding another try, as well as on Saturday morning. Unfortunately, when I pumped later that day I noticed blood again and was back to being in pain. I figured I hadn't let myself fully heal and so I took another 48 hr nursing rest, but continued to use the lanolin religiously. Miraculously, since Monday I've been able to breastfeed again and haven't noticed blood when I pump. I still have marks, but they are much lighter than a week ago. I still get sore after 5-10 minutes, though (I used to always pump for 20), so that's all the time I'm pumping and nursing from now on. So far that is working out! I just wait until I absolutely can't stand being engorged and then I pump only until I feel relief which gives me 5 ounces three times a day (around 11 am, 5 pm, and 11 pm-when I go to bed). Then I nurse Logan a couple of times a day (usually 7 am-when we get up and 8 pm-when he goes to bed). It's also helped me to be consistant with giving him 3 solids a day because this month, up until this past week, I'd been feeding him one every single day, and sometimes 2, but now I'm doing 3 every day.

After last week I thought there was no way I could possibly continue breastfeeding any longer. There's something about pain that just throws all motivation out the window (and don't get me wrong, I still have pain, it's just that when my breasts are engorged I can focus on that discomfort until five minutes after relieving them). My only reason for not stopping cold turkey last Wednesday night was because I didn't want my final time to feel like I was being forced into stopping. I wanted to prepare myself--whether it meant doing it just 24 more hours or 48. Turns out it's been a week! But over this past week I've obviously started the weaning process and so I've gotten to where I'm 99% ready to be done--I'm guessing I'll be 100% by 7 months, but if somehow I can keep going then I'll be continuing past seven months! That would be a shocker! We will see, it's a total day-by-day thing.

Fortunately, I found help from Kim, my dad's sister's son's wife (i.e. my cousin-in-law/cousin's wife). I am amazed that she has been able to help me every time I've about thrown in the towel. She has three kids, her first two nursed up to 17 months and her last to two years old. She stayed up late last Wednesday night after reading my blog, searching the internet for me and presented me with the theory that maybe my bleeding wasn't caused by bites--but rather cracked nipples! She suggested I meet with a lactation consultant to find out for sure (since, it seems like a coincidence that it happened the day after Logan got teeth and the marks are only located on the bottoms--where he has teeth), but cracked nipples are a common problem and would explain why I don't feel Logan bite. (Because I've been paying even more attention since resuming nursing and can't feel his teeth at all--which makes sense since he's latched properly.)

One reason that I may have noticed the bleeding while pumping is because (according to babycenter.com) when you have cracked nipples, using a breast pump "can injure the delicate tissue, breaking capillaries." You can read the rest of the article here: http://www.babycenter.com/0_cracked-or-bleeding-nipples_8493.bc They are most likely to occur during dry weather (it is getting to be winter) and could be because I nursed flawlessly for an entire month (which meant more nursing than pumping for once)--Logan may be tougher on me than my pump, which is why my all-day pain occured after I resumed nursing last Wednesday and Saturday.

I wish that I hadn't thrown away my nipple shields a couple of weeks ago because I had two from when Logan was born and the lactation consultants had given them to me as lifesavers because he wouldn't take my left side for his first two months without them. I hadn't needed the shields since, so although I'd washed them several times I noticed a couple of weeks ago that they didn't look good enough to save for my next child and figured it was okay to toss them. I've now learned never to throw anything baby-related away until I'm done having children! But Kim found that moist wound healing is what is best (http://www.leron-line.com/updates/Wound_healing.htm). . .so that's what I've been doing and things ARE better!!!

But I'm still tired because Logan has had a fussy week. For some reason Mondays always seem to be the hardest day of the week for us, but this week Tuesday (yesterday) and today (Wednesday) were a lot of work, too. He is finally taking a nap right now (whereas he didn't at all on Monday and Tuesday) so I am enjoying my few minutes of quiet to write this blog.

I hope he's not sick, he's been pulling on his ear off & on the past three days so I'm keeping an eye on that. He doesn't have a temperature or any other signs of an earache or cold, etc. but I've heard you don't hesitate with babies & ear infections because they are very prone to them and can be dangerous--often causing deafness. Um, "yikes" is an understatement. So I've been giving him vitamin C and if he has the same behavior tomorrow then I'm calling the pediatrician. (If that one lady answers again I'm going to ask for someone else!)

Also, every now & then this week Logan's been just screaming out of nowhere. He'll be happy and content with his toys and then in a split second act like someone is torturing him. Usually he just makes little sounds when he's ready to move on--he doesn't normally scream. His voice is actually hoarse today and my ears hurt. :/

I read that babies usually get one tooth a month. He got two this month so I doubt his third is coming in yet (usually the upper front are next--which are even harder for many women to breastfeed with because babies sometimes chomp down, using both the top and bottom together--OUCH!). But something's up this week because I feed him until he's happy. . .15 minutes later he cries again. I put him around his toys. . .they only please him for 10 minutes. I put him in his crib and the pack n play--that is the worst of all because he knows that's where he sleeps. We've had very few fussy days with Logan in his life so hopefully he'll return to normal tomorrow, otherwise this will tie with #4 for my least fav of his months!

We've had beautiful weather lately, so Monday I did take him out on our back deck and our front step for a while for some fresh air and that calmed him down, but he still didn't let me sit by myself for a minute that day. I was so wiped out when Joe got home that I finally just had to take a walk by myself even though it was dark out so that I wouldn't fall into a depression.

It doesn't help that my (second since Logan) period hasn't started, despite me showing signs since last Wednesday. Clearly, my old pattern has returned -- I used to always have signs 7-10 days before my period would start. I would moan around my house saying, "Come on already!" and here I am doing it again for the first time in 15 months. At least I haven't had bad cramps, although I had minor ones the other day--but I'm not complaining about minor! It appears my old irregular cycle has returned, though, since tomorrow will be day 37. So hopefully it will start then and I can get out of this funk.

I especially hate it when I have a million things to do because I have no energy to do them. Monday would have been a perfect day to take Logan out & about, but no, I didn't even take a shower until 2 pm.

Tuesday I forced myself to take Logan out of the house so that we could vote. I also took Logan to JCPenney for the first time! I've always just carried him around public in his carseat because he's usually asleep from the car ride, but yesterday he wasn't so he & I got to try a new adventure of putting him in the little seat at the front of the cart like a real kid. :) He was so cute--he was fascinated by everything around him and had a look on his face like "I'm a big boy!". . .he clearly knew the experience was different. He acted like he was riding in a rollercoaster as I pushed him around the store, he was having so much fun. At one point he quickly grabbed some clothes and started to put them in his mouth but I was able to stop him!

The ladies at the check-out loved him; I'm glad that despite his "off" week he was on his best behavior. Tomorrow I'm going to take him to the grocery store and sit him in the front of the cart there! I almost did that yesterday, too, but I didn't want to push my luck. Grocery shopping usually takes me an hour (so I've always done it once Joe is home, but now that it's getting dark early I'd prefer to do it during the day), whereas at JCPenney all I did was buy Joe a pair of navy jeans for our family picture this Friday.

This morning I went over to my neighbor Jenn's for scrapbooking, only I didn't scrapbook, I just talked to her and the other moms. There were 6 other kids there and Logan was in awe of them. A couple of them played with him and he seemed so excited and happy by it--he really loves other kids and seems social so I want to try and do more of that. He even noticed a toy box nearby and knew how to move his body in order to get the toys!!! He's not crawling yet, but if he wants something nearby where he's sitting or laying down, he knows how to get to it. It was so cute to see him study a new toy and shake it proudly. After a while he reached for me to pick him up and so I sat him on my lap and was talking to the other moms and at the same time they were like, "I think he just fell asleep!" I looked down and Logan's head had fallen forward! He has never fallen asleep sitting up like that on my lap--it was so cute!!!!! I put him in the carseat and he took a nap for about 20 minutes while I ate lunch. Now we're home and he is taking a longer one, so maybe getting back on his nap schedule will make him less fussy. (I also know he's not constipated--he goes the same hour every day now and his poop is like an adult's--it's crazy how it just changed one day from the old goo!)

On the bright side, he had four days of sleeping straight thru the night again this week (11 hrs) so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that maybe we won't have to try any "plans" again since I didn't do very good with the one week that we attempted The Ferber Method. I haven't found him with his legs between the crib bars for a while--the two nights this past week that he got me up three times a night were for reasons like a bad dream, and on daylight savings he went to bed too early and wanted up for good at 5 am! (Thankfully, we were able to get him to go back to sleep, and as of yesterday he seems to be on the new time-whew. Normally I like this time of year's daylight savings but Monday seemed like the longest day of my life!)

I've accepted that we'll probably always go back and forth--as in some weeks he'll sleep straight thru the night and other weeks he'll probably still wake up and cry. I've heard from several people that it really doesn't matter how well you "train" a child to sleep--they're still going to have weeks where they wake up, no matter what the age. We'll just hope this kind of week continues for a while. :/

At least he is still falling back to sleep easily, which he always has. One positive thing that came from my nursing rest is that going into his room in the middle of the night in pain made it impossible for me to even consider nursing him (as you know I was doing it during his middle cry, so that I could go back to sleep easier). Instead, I rubbed his back, turned on his sound machine, mobile, and/or music box--and was thrilled that it didn't take him long to substitute those for the milk (he just needed comfort), so maybe he will realize now he doesn't need milk during that cry and therefore won't wake up! :/

One of the women at Jenn's this morning has 4 children and THREE of them were face up. She said that her doctor said the same thing that mine did--her pelvis is such that it won't turn a baby face down. The only reason why one of her babies was correct is because it had a big head--her other babies had small heads. I didn't get a chance to ask her why in the world that made a difference, but obviously Logan was born with a 10th percentile head--so I'm going to look more into what that has to do with being face up! ??????

UPDATE: I still have not found any info about this. . .the only thing I can think of is that maybe when a baby has a big head they are not able to move as easily and so once they get into the anterior position they are likely to stay. Whereas, a small-headed baby may still twist and turn. Because I do know that when I had my ultrasound 2.5 days before I went into labor, Logan was on his side. Whether it was right or left, I am not sure (left is best); if it was right then it's not surprising that he was posterior during my pushing phase.

UPDATE #2: While pregnant with my second child in 2011, my doctor informed me that she had a small head as well which DOES mean more of a chance of bad positioning and problems during delivery. She was anterior until the last minute when she came out posterior just like Logan. Fortunately, there were no problems with her delivery -- it was fast (I felt contractions for a half an hour and pushed 3 times/3 minutes) -- but she could have had shoulder dystocia like Logan had, which is when the head comes out but not the body. So, I wonder if coming out posterior is nature's way of getting the body out when the head is small. In other words, I think my theory in the previous paragraph makes sense, considering I had a second baby with a 10th percentile head who came out posterior.

Jenn's friend is so used to posterior babies that with her last baby her doctor figured he didn't need to schedule a c-section because she'd always pushed them out before. I told her that was great to hear because I'm shooting to push out my next baby again--even if after I try the recommended things I still end up with another poterior baby. She said that her one baby that was anterior made labor seem like a breeze, so I'm going to think having a face down baby is a cinch (if my next one is). All of her babies were 36 weeks + one day--that was exactly Logan, another coincidence. I should have asked her if her water broke first.

Also, we were all talking about when we want to have our next child and when they asked me, I said, "I had a rough pregnancy so if it wasn't for that I'd want one sooner, but it will probably be three years." Well ten minutes later we were on a completely different subject and two of the women started talking about how they threw up all 9 months and had to be on the nausea medication as well as a constant IV drip! Suddenly I felt embarrassed for saying I had a rough pregnancy. One of the women said for a couple of weeks she made a bed next to her toilet because it was easier to just wake up and throw up right there rather than get up and walk to the bathroom! I can't imagine it being worse than what I went through--but they win! The woman with 4 kids said that with each pregnancy it's gotten worse. I did not want to hear that. I've been telling myself that my next experience won't be as bad because I'll be prepared and my body has already been through it. But, I came home and researched this and statistics are on her side! :(

Okay no more thinking about that. (UPDATE: I had a much easier pregnancy with baby #2 - not much nausea at all compared to with my first pregnancy!)

Since my last real update a week-and-a-half ago (Joe's friend was supposed to stay with us that weekend but didn't end up coming over), the next day (Sunday) Joe and I took Heather & Nick out to eat to thank them for watching Logan the only time we've had someone babysit him (which you might remember was back in August when we went to the movie theater).

Speaking of which, I should probably look into finding a babysitter. The daughter of one of Joe's co-workers is 16 and is certified because she's going to major in child development in college, so she knows CPR, the heimlich, and has been babysitting regularly for 4 years. But I haven't met her yet and even if I do & I like her, this is my one area that might be hard for me to relax about. I know that every mom has an area; this is mine. What I mean is, the only people I trust to watch Logan are people I know really well. Unfortunately, nobody I know well is a babysitter for their job, so that makes it hard to have someone who I can call at a moment's notice to watch Logan.

Like, several people have suggested I find someone who I can drop Logan off with a couple of hours a week so I can have time away, but while I know there are women in my neighborhood who do this (stay at home moms who are trying to earn some money). . .I've just seen so many horror stories on TV. It seems easier to relax when a kid is older rather than a baby because they can communicate--but at the same time I don't want it to be a shock to Logan the first time I leave him with a sitter (seems easier to start him at this age before he has stranger anxiety).

I know some moms have a hard time just being away from their baby, but if I know Logan's in good hands then that is not an issue for me. I've been able to have a great time whenever my mom or Joe's mom have watched Logan, haha! But, I have a feeling Logan's going to be over a year old before I'm able to leave him with a sitter.

Unlike when I first had Logan, I know why "they say" being a stay-at-home mom is equivalent to two full-time jobs. Joe used to always recite Dr. Phil as a joke because he said that so much, but even though I get it, I'm not sure Joe completely does yet. Don't misunderstand, he's an awesome husband and father and is soooo supportive and helpful--I have always felt very blessed and lucky that he is the guy I married, but he refuses to admit that my hard days here could be harder than his hard days at work. Possibly they're equal, but if he has a hard day at work then he thinks he deserves a break (meaning he doesn't want to help with Logan when he gets home). When he does help, he says that my break is when he gets home and I am not in the same room. But even when Joe is helping me, I'm still present & involved. I've tried to explain that when he's at his job it's not a vacation by any means, but it's a shift of his energy, his mind, etc. I've heard that most women who have been both stay-at-home moms and work-outside-the home moms say that the exhaustion factor is much less working outside the home. Because, generally they have more help with their child, and focusing on something other than their children gives them a "different" kind of energy. As a stay-at-home mom I am with Logan 24/7. That means even right now while he's napping and I'm blogging, my head is still "on him." My ears are listening for him to cry, my fingers are typing as fast as I can so that I can finish this before he wakes up, my breasts are starting to hurt because I need to pump but I'm trying to decide if there's anything else I need to do first while Logan is still asleep. . .

I adjusted pretty quickly after he was born to knowing my "time to myself" is not usually 100% time to myself unless I actually leave the house alone (which doesn't happen very often). But Joe is still learning to adjust from the days before he had Logan when he could do anything he wanted after work. . .to not being able to, as that is what goes along with being a parent. I have never told him he couldn't do something and I encourage him to let me know when he wants to, rather than hold it inside. So I think he's trying to figure out what exactly gives him a sense that he's had a break to himself. Because, when he takes a nap, he doesn't feel that counts because he's not conscious. If he plays the WII, that doesn't count if Logan's in the same room with him, etc.

So, we've decided to make a weekly schedule so we can each feel like we have our "own" time during the week. I don't want us to start resenting the other because right now our marriage is still happy and strong. Sarah S. recommended a book called Babyproofing Your Marriage. I haven't read it, but she said it covers a lot of common problems couples face once they have a baby. My parents paid for us to stay in a honeymoon suite on Nov. 22nd while they watch Logan, so that should at least give us time "just the two of us," which also doesn't happen very often, nowadays!

Okay--back to October 26th--after Joe & I arrived home from eating with Nick & Heather, our electricity was off! We had noticed that the stoplights a couple of miles from our house weren't working and I suddenly feared the experience we had in August when it was off for 4.5 hrs. Sure enough, I couldn't see one house after the stoplights to our street that had a light on! When we pulled into our driveway, our garage door wouldn't open. Jenn saw us and came outside and said the electricity had gone off 10 min. prior and she'd called the power company who said they were aware of the problem. It was really windy that day and as soon as we walked in the door we could tell the difference in our house (colder) with no heat. Thankfully, it was only off a half-an-hour so there wasn't time to freak out.

Not much happened that week, except for Logan's teeth, and he had pears and bananas (his favorite!) for the first time. Last night he had prunes for the first time (he loved those as well), so next is applesauce and then he can move on to mixtures.

On Thursday, Oct. 30th I had another massage which was just what I needed! I scheduled another one for next week. That night Joe carved a jack-o-lantern (as he does every year) and Logan helped, too :)

Last year & this year I didn't bake the seeds (nor did I have the time to try those recipes from my Baby's First Teeth post--some day I plan to!) but it was still a fun Halloween!

On Friday we had about 50 trick-or-treaters and we dressed up Logan in his clown costume. The girl who lives behind me introduced herself, she seemed nice; she has a 4 year old.We couldn't keep Logan away from the candy--it was funny. Our neighbor Brenda came over to take pictures of him. I'm not sure he knew what to think of the holiday, I'm sure next year he'll enjoy it more.On Saturday, Nov. 1st Joe & I met one of his co-workers, Chris, at Perkins for lunch. I had a Hawaiian wrap which I've been craving since. I really liked Chris! She is due with her first baby in February and is interested in several things I've written about here, so we've been corresponding thru email the past couple of months. I felt like I could have talked to her for hours, and I loved her accent (she's from Romania). :) She's having a boy so maybe I've found another friend for Logan!

Afterwards, Joe & I went to a consignment store--I am ashamed to admit I've never bought anything from one before, but now having a child you can bet I will. We bought Logan his winter coat for $10--that sure beats Younkers' price of $130--and the difference isn't even that noticeable.

Afterwards, my mom & stepdad came over on their way to Branson where they've been this week with my grandma. For supper we went out to eat at a terrible diner. Still, we had a good time and my parents were happy to see Logan's two teeth.

On Sunday, Joe & I took Logan to the park so I got to enjoy the leaves for the first time this fall. Sadly, the the leaves are already starting to turn brown for winter. I thought last fall went fast because I was cooped up inside with all-day sickness--but this one with a six month old has, too.

Wow, I can't believe Logan is still sleeping--this has been his best nap in a week!!!! I better get some housework done. . .

Okay. . I'm Ready For My First Break

This was originally written on Tuesday, August 26, 2008:

I had my massage! (I ended up having it today rather than last Friday) My only complaint is that the hour went too fast! But, an hour's better than nothing. I'm still hoping for my beach vacation (that Joe agreed to when I was in labor, haha) sometime in 2009. Having no real "time off" (that means at least 24 hrs) since Logan's been born is getting to me for the first time.

At least he is back to his easier, happier, sweet self. It took over 24 hours after Logan pooped and Joe returned home last week. I felt like Logan and I bonded a lot more with Joe gone (he slept in my room all four days in his carseat). He stared blankly at Joe for several hours after he got home from Branson--like he thought he looked familiar but couldn't place him. When Joe held him the first time he even screamed (whereas he's ALWAYS greeted him with a huge grin). I think that made Joe a little sad. Thankfully, by the next day Logan seemed to remember him--now he happily responds to Joe the way he always did before.

I think my "quiet" days are over, though. (Or at least until my kids are in school.) When Logan's awake he wants action-action-action! He finally has a consistant pattern/schedule to his days, though! He wakes up every morning at 7 or 8 am and takes a nap from 9 or 10 to 11 or noon, then another nap from 3-4 pm, and is awake until 8 pm. He's still sleeping 11-12 hrs straight through the night which is GREAT for me because I do best with my rest all at once, rather than split up. The trick for me now is to figure out how to get things done during the day and/or to find time just to myself. It used to be that I could do other things while he was awake, but now he requires my constant attention every minute of his "awake time." I'm learning how to be a morning person (which I've never been) because otherwise it gets to be 5 pm and Joe arrives home and I'm still in my pjs with my hair uncombed and spit-up all over me :p

Needless to say, pumping is impossible now (no time), so hopefully I won't have another drop in my milk supply. After my last post it did go up finally (yeay) so I've been exclusively nursing again and am at exactly Logan's amount--which means there are no more storage containers in our freezer for if he has another growth spurt, but as long as nursing continues to meet his exact demand, it will be okay.

I'm worried about what happens in two weeks, since that's how long I've gone in the past without pumping before I get a dry spell. (Although I've still always pumped at least one day a week so that I can go out in public and not have to worry about not-breastfeeding-friendly places.)

I am definitely WAY more knowledgeable about breastfeeding these days compared to when Logan was first born, so hopefully that will at least help me with my next baby. I have been researching the history of breastfeeding in America and feel my brain is full of everything a person could possibly learn about nursing. (You can click on this link to read my post titled The History Of Breastfeeding in America.)

For one, we always hear doctors say that once you get to 36 weeks gestation then the baby is fine to arrive. This is true when you're talking about developmentally--but what you don't hear is that for each week that a baby is born prior to 40 weeks, it's that much harder to nurse. I've discovered it is quite common for babies born at 37 weeks gestation (what Logan was) to have a slower time than a baby born at 40. (Logan was actually born on the first day of 37 weeks, so he'd actually just finished his 36th week, i.e. he was thirty-six weeks and one day.)

The biggest obstacle, though, of course, was the jaundice. The more severe the jaundice, the harder it is for any woman to breastfeed because the baby simply doesn't have the energy. Logan had a severe case (had to be hospitalized in an incubator) which meant that not only was his sucking lazy (even though he had a perfect latch right away and immediately knew what to do) so he wasn't getting enough milk (losing an entire pound in three days which made the jaundice worse) but he had to be fed formula for four days because he had "breastmilk jaundice" which meant the only way he was going to recover was to get him off of breastmilk briefly. But introducing him to the bottle so soon (at only a week old) taught him that bottles are easier and so that was preferable when he was tired.

Not enough sucking by Logan and no relieving my milk in other ways caused my milk supply to not come in enough--and so it wasn't until I started pumping when he was two weeks old that I could even help Logan out! (We had both ends going against us.) It took until week 7 before I was able to exclusively breastfeed (i.e. go 24 hrs without pumping/giving him breastmilk in a bottle). And that only happened after an exhausting 24/7 focus on teaching him to rely on my breast, not the bottle.

So, it was a HUGE success when Logan finally had the energy to nurse until he was full all of the time--and to prefer it to breastmilk in a bottle. Each day over the past 11 weeks has been easier than the one before, so most days I nurse all day--especially now that I barely have to do anything: he immediately knows what's coming when I take off my shirt, gets in position himself, I don't have to hold his head or my breast, or any of the things I used to have to do. I can put him in any position and even move around, which I never thought possible because he needed assistance for so long.

But, as I said in my previous post, every couple of weeks Logan doesn't take my breast, because he wants more milk. (I know that seems strange since he's in the 90th percentile with his weight, but he acts the same as a starving child--opening his mouth and searching desperately for a nipple, making sounds like "oh! oh! oh!" and then if we try and trick him with a pacifier or something, he just screams and screams and screams--huge tears pouring down his face, his face turning purple. . .nothing soothes him, it's awful!) So, at those times I go the freezer and give him a bottle, and then I pump all day to make sure my milk is flowing. Once it is, I go back to exclusively breastfeeding. But last week that didn't work. I pumped every other hour (and breastfed every other hour) for days and days and days before my milk matched his demand. It really took a toll on me.

The only good to come out of pumping the past four months was that I never had to be interrupted when out in public. But it's a double-edged sword. I had to do it to be able to breastfeed at all (and to continue after every couple of weeks). . .but now I'm wondering if my breasts are more dependent on the pump rather than Logan. (I've read so many times that it's prolactin in the baby's saliva that best increases milk, but the pump seems to do it better for me. Rather than work at getting my milk out, Logan refuses to nurse when my milk stops flowing an extra amount. I think that's still his habit from his newborn days.)

I know that when I have my next child it will be even harder to find the time to pump, so I am really going to try not to use it at all with baby #2. Of course I'd never planned on using it with baby #1 (which is why I didn't buy one until he was two weeks old) but if I carry my next baby to full-term and he/she doesn't have jaundice, then my original plan has a good chance of working. If, for some reason, the same things happen as with Logan, then I will only pump in the beginning for my milk production--but as soon as baby #2 is recovered from jaundice I will go cold turkey on the bottle! It seems that week 3 is easier than month 3 because Logan totally has expectations now to his amount of "meals." During his first three weeks of life he never indicated to me that he wasn't getting enough--we never would have known if not for the scale at the pediatrician's office.

I know the average time for women to breastfeed (including my mom w/ me) is six months, even though one to two years is actually what's recommended--but I can understand why most women stop! It's ironic I mentioned in my post titled "My Son's Brachial Cleft Fistula" that breastfeeding was easy now and I no longer doubted I could do it for a year (what has always been my goal). But since the middle of August I've been praying I can make it just two more months (to six months old)! If it seems like I can't, then I'll contact La Leche since they have support groups.

Breastfeeding is wonderful (I understand why moms say they miss it when it's over--there are no other moments I feel as close to Logan as I do when nursing. It's the most intimate experience you can have with your child; I haven't been able to find anything else that compares because it's the only way at this stage that you can cuddle and he can cuddle back! Plus, most of all, I know I'm giving him the best possible "health"--if it wasn't for that I would have given up by now)--but the women who have never had any setbacks or challenges are lucky! It becomes a love-hate relationship otherwise, which is very exhausting and depressing. If I worked outside the home there's no way I'd still be able to keep up. It's hard enough here. So that's why even though my milk supply is better now, and I'm back to nursing (but every two hours), my mood isn't any better than last week.

I'm also wondering if my hormones are returning to normal--as in, I might soon be getting my first period since having Logan. I feel like I have PMS for the first time in over a year. I actually forgot what it felt like to have a black cloud over my head like I always did one week every month since high school. I noticed during my pregnancy how I never had that, no matter how sick or uncomfortable I was, or even after my cousin's baby dying, the Omaha shooting, my trip to the ER, or my pre-term labor scare--or when I felt "blah" the day before I went into labor. I think my hormones were at a better level which is why I didn't have post partum depression even though I had post wedding depression for an entire year after I got married! I think breastfeeding might even have kept my hormones higher, but after awhile it's inevitable for them to drop back down. I can tell I'm there.

There is no set time for women to get their period back, especially if breastfeeding. Some women don't get it until they're completely done nursing (however long that may be), others have it at six months, others as soon as three months. (Non-breastfeeders have them again 1-2 months after the baby is born.)

The more hours a woman goes between nursing, the quicker the period returns. For example, since Logan sleeps 11-12 hrs every night (that means no eating) I am very likely to start my period any day now, whereas a mom who is not waiting longer than three hours between feedings will resume much later. This also means I am more likely to get pregnant! However, only two percent of women ovulate before that first period, so that's where the myth comes from of not being able to get pregnant while breastfeeding. For most, it's not until after you have that first period that you need to be careful. (Because, also, even if ovulation occurs breastfeeding often hinders implantation.) Still, since you never know when that first period will arrive you should be extra careful if you're not planning to have another baby yet! AskDrSears gives some good tips.

I've also read that your first period is likely to be heavy and painful. Since your body has not been ovulating for nine or more months, the first period is going to be hard on your body.

On to more pleasant things. . .! Logan stood up without us holding on to him for the first time on Sunday! Joe was playing with him in our living room and propped him up against our coffee table. . .and Logan stood firm so Joe let go and Logan lasted nearly a minute! He does it regularly now!After my last post when Joe & his sister returned from the Lake of the Ozarks, we ordered pizza and then they showed me an awesome slideshow that they and Joe's other sister made for their mom (they went on that trip to celebrate her 65th b-day which is September 11th).

Joe then took AnMarie to the airport early morning on Thursday and returned to work on Friday. For the weekend, my mom & stepdad brought my maternal grandmother to see our new house and to meet Logan. We had a great time. We went out to eat at Roja Mexican Grill on Saturday and Wheatfields on Sunday. Logan was on his best behavior both places--yeay.

I had never heard about my grandmother's labor experiences but it was really interesting--her first baby (my uncle) took over 24 hrs to come out because of her pelvis! This was back in the day when women were completely put out for their birthing experience (which is so strange to me) so she didn't remember any of it, but it was what the doctor told her later. I don't think that there is any doubt that the shape of your pelvis is genetic. (My cousin on her side had a c-section with both of her babies for this reason as well--and the first was posterior but not the second.) It was reassuring to me because my grandma's second baby (my mom) took 3 hrs, and her third (my aunt) took half that! My grandma is an example of how just because you have one baby that won't come out easily doesn't mean all will be the case.

Those of you who read My Birth Story might remember that it took my mom 4 hours from when she dilated to when she pushed me out. If Logan hadn't been face up, that's all my entire labor would have been, too (rather than 7.5). I'm starting to see a nice trend in my family!

I really don't have much else to report. . .Logan is growing into his name which is neat. Up until now he really didn't look like a Logan so I called him L.J. Joe used to call him Billy because of back when he kept getting his biliruben levels checked for jaundice, but that hasn't been so much lately. He can also pull my hair with his feet, LOL.

Joe rented a DVD for me so I'm going to see if I can escape into that now. It's about a woman going insane. :/

6 Wks & Still In The Honeymoon Phase W/ Baby!

This was originally written on Tuesday, June 3, 2008:

Thirty-four days since my last post!

Even though I get NO time at the computer anymore (seriously, the little guy must know when I sit down because he always needs my attention during these times, haha), I wanted to make an effort to continue blogging. Not only because I have so many faithful readers which makes it worth the time to write since I don't have any books out in stores YET. . .but also because my blogging served as a sort of therapy for me during my pregnancy. Those who read those posts know more than anyone else about that time because I wrote about everything I was going through, the thoughts & feelings I had, etc. Writing stuff out and often discussing pregnancy issues with many of you afterwards was really healthy. I encourage you all to post comments or send me messages, because I also loved learning from you as well. Best of all, that special time in my life has forever been recorded!

That's one of the things I've always liked about being a writer. From the time I was a little girl I didn't sit well with the idea of being here for a short time (when you think about life in term of centuries) and not leaving something to show for it. The written word can live on forever. No, this blog definitely doesn't need to last forever(!), but in my own life years from now many of my memories of this time will have faded and so it will be fun to be reminded. Therefore, I wanted to attempt to record some of my perspective as a new mother, too! (I'm still keeping a hard-copy journal for Logan as well, although my entries are irregular. They probably will be here now, too.)

I'll pick up here where I left off. For example, to update some of my last posts. . .I thought it was a coincidence that out of the 16 couples who were at the hospital class the day after I had Logan, all but two had boys. Usually girls are more common (males are more likely to be conceived, but females are more likely to be born, so there are more females in the world than males)--but I think there was a boy-baby boom this spring!

Also, I never mentioned that during our first night with Logan, my male dog Cosmo (a 2.5 year old maltipoo) threw up and had diarrhea! Joe said that between Cosmo and Logan he'd never cleaned up so much poop in his life, haha. Unfortunately, Cosmo was sick all that week and since we were gone a lot for Logan's jaundice (including spending one night at Children's Hospital--the first time our dogs had ever been alone all night), we had a lot of carpet cleaning to do. Bella (my female dog, a 3.5 year old maltipoo)'s turn was two weeks ago--only she actually threw up blood and so I took her to the vet. She had an ulcer and had to be on medicine for a week. I really don't think either had anything to do with Logan, but rather was just bad timing. Fortunately, both dogs have been fine since.

Finally, many of you may remember how I couldn't wait to be able to lay on my back and stomach again. The funny thing was I'd had to lay on my sides for so long that I actually had to force myself to stop after Logan was born! I just automatically kept laying that way after having my baby and so it felt odd when I'd remember to turn to my stomach or back. Sometimes I still have to remind myself that I can lay comfortably now! (Nice to appreciate the little things in life.)

The past month has zoomed by at an amazing speed. After Logan recovered from his jaundice and Joe's mom left on 4/30, my mom & stepdad came over 5/7-9. So, that week I had four days by myself for the first time. I'd expected post partum depression to kick in at that point (because I was always hormonal when I had my period), but instead have experienced the opposite: I don't think I've ever been so happy in my life! Let me rephrase that: I KNOW I've never been this happy.

Most years (not all) I've thought I WAS happy and content. . .I didn't feel empty or that anything was missing in my life. . .in fact that's why I waited until I was 28 and had been married for five years to have a baby. To be honest, I'd been worried that--yikes--I'd end up regretting it. That I wouldn't recognize my life or myself anymore and end up wishing I could turn back time. I couldn't have been more wrong! The only way my life has changed is that it's better! Now I wonder what I've been doing the past 28 years--everything else seems minor and fleeting! (Although, I believe I would have had a harder time if I'd gotten pregnant earlier.)

I've been on a continuous high so am sure at some point I’ll have to come down, but for now I’m grateful for this experience. I guess it's true what they say: "Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst" (because things usually turn out better). The first six weeks of parenthood are known for being the worst so that's what I'd been prepared for. Much of this is because of the sleep factor. (Or, should I say, lack thereof. Until this past Friday, Logan never slept for more than two hours at a time. That night he slept five straight which was wonderful. Since then it's been three or four. Hopefully within another month or two he will sleep completely through the night, since that is when the average do.)

I'd always thought that I needed 9 (yes, 9) hours of sleep to be at my best. But there's something about having a baby that makes the lack of sleep not that big of a deal. It's like Christmas morning when you're a kid--only every day. I'll wake up in the night to Logan's cries, and although I'd prefer to keep sleeping, there's suddenly nothing I want more than to see my little baby and hold him in my arms. Every time I look at him, I smile. The good definitely outweighs the bad. The feelings I've had these six weeks have been better than anything I've ever experienced and I don't think anything else in this world can possibly compare. It really HAS made every day worth it that I cried in bed with all-day sickness or tossed and turned because my back hurt or I was experiencing other discomforts during pregnancy. (Now when I look at Logan--this person that went from nothing to everything--it actually seems amazing to me that my body didn't go through even MORE!) I'm shocked that somewhere there's this energy inside of me that appears throughout my day that allows me to not only function but to do it more happily than before.

If I had time to stop and think I’m sure I’d miss some of my free time (for example, this blog is being written with MANY interruptions, as I'm sure will be the case from now on), but I don't really have time to be bummed because being so busy makes my days go very quickly. By the time I look at the clock, it's time for Joe to get home. That's another reason why I decided to blog again--it forces me to stop and think for a moment which I've always felt should be a priority (to take inventory each day). Otherwise, nowadays it's pretty easy for life to pass by--but this is a time I actually want to go slow!

I'm confident I will figure out how to work on my novel again once Logan and I figure out our schedule together. (That hasn't happened yet, as every day is different, but that makes it exciting. Fortunately, I've still been able to do some reading and other things for myself. In fact, I've been watching more TV these days than ever before, just because there's a lot more sitting while holding Logan.)

Right now my life definitely revolves around the little guy, but I really don't mind focusing on him all of the time. He's made me be more productive, haha. Before, if there was something I had to do but didn't feel like, I'd just put it off until later. Now if there's a window for me to do something that I don't have the energy for, I do it anyway because otherwise it may never get done. Therefore, I'm not doing a very good job when it comes to napping (following the advice of "sleep when he sleeps"). . .I've taken four naps since he's been born. . .so that's something I'd like to improve on. Right now it always seems like when I get a break from him (i.e. he's sleeping), there's something around the house that needs my attention.

So, it's been nice to have help here & there over the weeks. After my mom & stepdad left, Jake & Melissa came back from Arizona because their house sold and so they had to close and move the rest of their stuff out. They met Logan on Mother's Day, after Joe gave me a couple of gifts. :)

I had five days by myself and then my best friend since junior high, Sarah, came over from Seattle May 17-22! It was perfect timing because Joe was told he had to work in Washington D.C. May 18-23. Sarah had booked her flight weeks ago, so it must have been a "God thing" because I KNOW then depression would have kicked in and it might have changed my impression of motherhood!

Any other time I would have managed by myself. However, having a newborn is not a time to be alone. Hats off to single mothers out there--I don't see how anyone could do this without help! At first Joe's job was going to make him stay there for a couple of months(!!!) but he told them “no way.” Fortunately, everyone agreed that his excuse was valid. So they found a replacement for the upcoming weeks. This was also a relief to him because he hates to fly and if he'd have wanted to come home on the weekends he would have had to fly regularly.

At that time there'd never been a night when I'd had to get up every single time for Logan in addition to taking care of him ALL day. But with Sarah here, I was able to have the energy to be up with him every time during the night because she helped me during the day. It turned out to be a really fun week and even she said he was easier than she’d imagined, just as Joe and I have thought.

Until then, I'd only gone out in public with Logan once (to Wal-Mart just to print out pictures for my grandmothers) but Sarah and I ran errands all but one day which gave me the confidence to take Logan out with me all of the time now, as he did excellent. In fact, he loves to be in his car seat even at home, as well as on car rides, and me carrying his car seat because it bounces him around. We even went out to eat which allowed me to relax about that, as I'd always imagined I'd have a screaming baby that I couldn't control and everyone would give me dirty looks. :p

That's been the best surprise--that Logan only cries when he's hungry (and when we're changing his diaper--you'd think we were torturing him every time; however, he hasn't cried about it since Sunday which is a record, so I'm hoping he's starting to trust us and understand that nothing bad is happening).

Just like when he was in the womb, he's very strong--last week I was changing his diaper and he kicked the box of wipes almost across the room! When I stand him on my lap, he uses the weight in his legs which I hadn't expected so soon. And, at only four weeks old he rolled over from his tummy to his back (he doesn't like "tummy time" unless he's on his boppy pillow and so the frustration gave him motivation). He's also started to pull my hair--ouch.

He could stand to work on his patience and temper. :-) When he wants something or doesn't like something it's immediately a huge deal--I have to restrain him from scratching his face all up because his entire body goes spastic while he's screaming and his face turns purple. He's knocked a bottle from my hand, hit and kicked me, and pushed away anything near him. He obviously still has his assertive personality. (I was watching Dr. Phil the other day and there was this kid who slapped his mom. I looked at Logan and said, "I hope you don't ever slap me!" But I think the violence-factor starts with the parents, so hopefully I can prevent Logan from using his aggression negatively when he's older.) But, he is quick to forgive and get over it. As quickly as his mouth opens like it's going to swallow his face, it closes and his tears stop (yes, he has tears rolling down his face which I didn't even know babies got for a few months). Despite the few times he's like this, the majority of the time he's easy going, sweet, happy, and still sleeps most hours of the day.

For Logan's first two to three weeks he was sensitive to light and so he was more active at night than during the day, but fortunately that is no longer the case. (Now it's morning and evening, which is just like when I was pregnant with him.) He has started to smile and laugh which melts my heart over and over. Best of all, he seems to know who I am now! He looked at me with recognition the other day which was awesome. Also, when he's starting to fuss and I pick him up, he stops and will rest his head on my chest as if he's cuddling. Awe!

He seems so much more aware & alert these days and is starting to figure things out--like, on Friday his pacifier fell out of his mouth and his hand happened to be below his chin, so he pushed it right back! It's so much fun to watch these milestones. There's never a dull or boring moment. (Especially since every now and then I still get sprayed with pee. I've learned how to avoid getting pooped on--he always farts first--but the pee has hit me in the face, hit him in the face, sprayed the wall, the floor, my hair, my back. . .and the "tee-pees" that you can buy don't work [at least ours keeps falling off]. But the times are getting less--both I think because it's less common as boys get older and also because I'm getting quicker with the diaper.)

Anyway, I was sad when Sarah had to leave--and even sadder when the next day I learned the horrible news that her dog had died! Cinnamon, her doberman for the past six years, had the exact same ailment that took Joe's mom's rottweiler last summer at the very same age. An enlarged heart. Cinnamon was not sick beforehand--her death happened very suddenly in the presence of Sarah's neighbor who is a vet. Sarah was at her parents' house in Iowa when she learned the news and so it was very difficult to return home to Seattle after her trip to the Midwest. Please keep her in your prayers as this is one of the WORST possible things for anyone to experience.

On Memorial Day (5/26), we went over to Mike & Sara's (Mike used to work with Joe before he switched jobs in May 2007; Sara still works there). They were grilling out with the rest of Joe's old co-workers and the other girls who gave me the Omaha baby shower (who I go scrapbooking with--and this past Sunday we went to go see Sex and the City-The Movie). It was a lot of fun and everyone there met Logan for the first time :-)

The other days last week flew by. On Saturday, 5/31, Sandi (Joe's mom) came over to see Logan for the first time since the end of April. (My mom and stepdad had stopped by on Saturday, 5/24 on their way home from Branson, MO to also see Logan for the first time since the first week of May.) It was a beautiful day and so we ate outside and then Sandi & Joe took Logan for a walk in the stroller. Joe and I had taken him for a walk a couple of times prior, including once to the park & lake in our neighborhood that I hadn't been to since last Labor Day--just a couple of hours before I learned I was pregnant :-) Now that summer has officially begun here in Nebraska, I hope to take walks with Logan regularly. We've gone the past two evenings as well and the temperature was perfect.

I've lost all but 5 of the 42 pounds I gained while pregnant. The last seven have been slow (I'm only two pounds less than when I last wrote here at two weeks post partum). I've been wearing all of my old clothes since two weeks post-partum, but strangely I still can't fit into my wedding ring. I took it off in October and miss wearing it. Hopefully I won't have to pay to get it resized.

It’s really incredible how having a baby has changed my perspective when it comes to my body. Like a lot of women, I’ve never really "loved" my body. But after seeing what it went through while I was pregnant, and then during childbirth, and even now afterwards with such little sleep—there’s no way I can hate it. I saw it do the most amazing thing ever! Being pregnant and giving birth really is a beautiful thing.

I had not expected to lose weight without doing anything, as I’m not one of those people with a fast metabolism or naturally hard body. So it was a nice surprise. I have faith in it for the very first time—I realize that it's smarter than me and knows what it's doing--heck, it made a human being and even now it's keeping him alive by making breastmilk without my brain having a clue. My body was really put through the ringer during pregnancy and childbirth, and even now with the lack of sleep--and yet somehow I feel better than ever. I can’t help but be impressed with ALL women's bodies now!

Even though I'm still five pounds over what I was nine months ago, I can't be critical. I appreciate my body now, having been 42 pounds heavier six weeks ago and TRULY feeling out of shape. Sure, my body could use some toning (as it did before, it doesn't look any different now than it did last September), but thanks to motherhood, I can embrace it anyway! It’s a very mature feeling.

Yesterday morning I did aerobics for the first time since having Logan. It wasn’t something I was able to do very often while pregnant and so it felt weird (but wonderful) to do it again—especially the abs workout (my stomach felt so empty of muscle). My OBGYN had given me the go-ahead for exercise (and sex) on Friday at my six week check-up.

My doctor's appointment was kind of sentimental! The last time I went to her office was 2.5 days before I gave birth! I remember how I’d taken the gravel road and hadn’t cared about all of the bumps because I’d hoped it would start labor, haha! So, driving on it again made me happy that I was no longer uncomfortable (my stomach had been so big I could hardly breathe and I was having those bad tightening pains which made the five minute drive seem long)--but at the same time I admit there was a small sad feeling that all of the anticipation for the birth experience was over!

There’s only been one day that I teared up for no apparent reason since having Logan. Joe was like, “What is wrong?”
I answered, “My labor was too fast!”
He turned around and walked out of the room. :p

I had to laugh, too, as I know that is not a common complaint, so I tried to explain. It’s not that I really wish my labor had been longer (I pray I’m lucky next time, too) but during the not-so-fun eight months prior all I could look forward to was the day I gave birth. Everything was getting ready for that huge day. It was always hanging around me--and, sure enough, it turned out to be the biggest and most special day of my life. Better than when I got engaged or my wedding day. The HypnoBirthing helped it to be an extra positive experience so that without drugs, the pain did not distract me from it. I wanted to hold on to every second of that once-in-a-lifetime experience (well, once-in-a-lifetime with Logan) and really see how my body worked naturally and what it was meant to do.

So, there wasn’t time to snap pictures of myself heading off to the hospital, or of me in the bed, or of my room, or my nurses, etc. I’d always imagined Joe videotaping me as the hours went on, but it was so rushed that, as I said in my son's birth story, I couldn’t really talk or focus on the environment around me from beginning to end. Between the wet washcloths on my forehead during labor (as sweat was dripping off me those last four hours while I pushed), pictures were the last thing on my mind.

Once I came home from the hospital I felt that day was already so far in the past—but I wanted to stay in those unique and wonderful feelings forever. However, just like when you get married and you spend the months prior planning for the wedding day, you soon realize those hours are only the beginning and there are plenty more good times ahead—it’s just hard to imagine beyond that point until you’re living it. Although, unlike my wedding where the months prior I had been riding the rollercoaster UP, so all I could go was DOWN afterwards (I had "post wedding depression"), this time I’d been going DOWN the months prior, so the good thing was that after I had Logan all I could go was UP! :-)

When I took a seat in the waiting room of my doctor’s office, I received smiles from people who were glancing at Logan. :-) A lot more people start conversations with me now when I go out in public with him. Last week I was carrying his car seat through Wal-Mart and a woman stopped and said, "Those are heavy, aren't they?!" I nodded emphatically. (I'm sure sweat was pouring off my forehead. I should soon be a "muscle woman" from carrying that thing around--geesh!)

At the doctor's office, everyone kept commenting on what a chunk he was and I started getting curious as to how much he weighed now. When it was time to get my blood pressure and weight checked, I noticed a baby scale there as well. The nurse said we could put him on there. . .and he was nearly 12 pounds! (11 lbs, 15.5 oz!) My mouth dropped to the floor, I couldn’t believe it! In four weeks he’d gained four pounds—that’s really good for a newborn! Both Joe and I were super chubby babies (my ped. told my mom back then I needed to go on a diet), so Logan is probably destined to be as well. But it was still a surprise after his 11% weight-loss the first week and more ups & downs with breastfeeding (more on that in my next post).

I sat in the back as I waited for a room to be available, and another woman was sitting there who said that looking at Logan made her want another baby--but she already has five so she’s sworn she’s done!!! We chatted for a bit and then the nurse that I always had when I was pregnant came out to talk to me and congratulate me. It was so weird to have Logan on the outside of me now. He was the same baby whose heart we'd always listened to before, whose size we'd measured in my tummy, etc. She showed me to my room and I looked into the same mirror that I'd looked into during my first appt. when I'd just learned I was pregnant, then later as I was getting huge and ready to go!

My OBGYN came in shortly and said, “I remember you, you were quite the trooper!” I was really honored when she started reciting all of the details about Logan’s birth, as she remembered everything about the day as clear as me. I would have thought with so many deliveries I would blend into the next one, and she’d have to refer to my chart, so it's really nice that she truly knows who I am. I wasn’t sure she remembered me from year to year when I was just an annual patient, but having seen her so much the past nine months I’m not just a familiar face anymore--I actually have a history with her. (I'd also sent her a card w/ a picture of Logan & me a couple of weeks after he was born, thanking her for everything, so maybe that helped, too.)

After chatting about babies and motherhood like we were two friends rather than doctor and patient, she checked to make sure that I’d healed properly, which I had, and then asked if I had any questions. I said, “Just one about my labor—I know that the way that it started was rare, with my water just gushing out and contractions not starting for another hour. Was there a reason for that difference?” She nodded and explained that because of my pelvis, it forced Logan’s head to be in a weird position. This put pressure on my bag of water and so as he started to drop (which happens to everyone as labor approaches), his head broke the sac! This was also what caused him to be face up, as he was basically unable to turn. . .which means I have over 60% chance of my next pregnancy being a posterior baby as well. :-( I really hope I'm in the 40th percentile. My doctor repeated what I'd read after my birth experience--that this type of labor is generally the longest and most painful kind.

Still, I was happy to hear her say that we can still try for a vaginal birth next time. I had planned on asking her if that would be an option since the last time I saw her it had sounded like there was no question that I’d have a c-section next time. But she brought it up before I even asked. She said that we will keep a close eye on things during my next pregnancy, as far as the baby’s weight and the positioning. During labor my doctor will allow me to push--but no more than two hours (rather than the four this last time). I am perfectly fine with that--I just wanted the chance to try rather than automatically have a c-section scheduled in advance. I trust that my doctor knows what she’s doing and is confident in her abilities to know if/when something is wrong so that if it looks like my next baby is going to get caught or that it could be be dangerous then we’ll proceed to surgery, but otherwise I can practice HypnoBirthing for another natural vaginal birth, since the HB obviously saved me from having a long dilation-phase and extra pain. For those who didn't read my HypnoBirthing blog, you can click here to understand what it's all about. (For those who came to this page due to wanting to avoid a posterior baby and/or small pelvis, I recommend you click on the following three links to blogs I wrote about this subject: Part One. Part Two. Part Three.)

I thanked my doctor again, telling her how happy I was with the way things went considering the circumstances. (I also learned that Logan's shoulders were caught in my pelvis, too, which is another dangerous situation, as if that happens before the baby's head is out then the head can get stuck, too, but also be too risky at that point for a c-section. Needless to say, I'm really glad I have a top doctor who can tell what's going on before it gets to that point!)

I’ve since either heard about or talked to ten people who had the exact same situation as me as far as the small pelvis and ALL of them ended up with c-sections. Even though it WAS rough for Logan and me, we both recovered quickly. Yes, that's not something you can know in advance, but a c-section wouldn’t have guaranteed that Logan wouldn’t have had to go to intensive care, either. We know someone recently who had a c-section and their baby was in the nicu for two whole days with a much worse situation. And, a friend of mine’s baby also had jaundice and had to be on the fiberoptic blanket despite NOT having a traumatic birth or being premature. So that’s why I want to just take my next pregnancy as it comes. (There it is again: "Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst.")

Don't get me wrong--there are many women in my situation who prefer the c-section route, and there is nothing wrong with that since this is a valid reason to have one. But, for me personally, I really liked my HypnoBirthing birth experience (aside from the four hour pushing) and want to do it again.

My doctor and I chatted for awhile longer and then I asked if I could take a picture of her with Logan since I’d forgotten on the day of his birth. She said “sure” and kept commenting on how cute he was and that his face looked a lot better than when she’d seen him last and it’d been bruised. Once again, I was honored that she remembered him. She said that she loves her job, even though it’s crazy, it’s nice to be a part of the most special day of peoples’ life.

The only other thing we talked about was birth control (there’s a progesterone pill I can take while I’m breastfeeding) but I declined since I had such a bad experience on the regular birth control pill which I was on from 2003-2004. I should have asked her about some spotting I had that morning (and the following day as well) with slight off & on cramps. (I think it may be from my uterus contracting while breastfeeding.) It wasn’t my period, as the first is supposed to be painful, heavy, and long (greeeaat) but I don’t know when to expect it, because for women who are breastfeeding it can happen as soon as six weeks or as late as when a woman is entirely done breastfeeding (or any time between). Yes, there ARE perks to being pregnant: no periods!

That night Joe and I went out for hamburgers at Fatburger which just opened up nearby. Once again, we received a lot of smiles from other customers. A woman came over to our table and asked how old Logan was. I said, "Six weeks exactly." She said that he looked like a really sweet baby and that God had really blessed us. I agreed!

My Son's Birth Story

This was originally written on Tuesday, April 22, 2008:

WOW WOW WOW, WHERE DO I BEGIN?!

I can't believe it was only a week ago that I last blogged (aside from my quick post on Friday). . .it seems like months! But, then again, I don't think I've ever had something so major happen in one week!

For those who have been following my blogs you know that last Tuesday my doctor told me that labor could possibly be within the week, based on me being dilated to almost 4 cm that day. However, I then read on the internet that some women were as dilated as I'd been for up to two weeks before they went into labor. Since I technically still had three weeks to go, I began to wonder if the process was going to drag out until my due date.

I had menstrual-like cramps that afternoon & evening, as well as on Wednesday after I forced myself to take a walk around our neighborhood (not something I normally did, but was hoping to induce labor)--but then I didn't have any cramps on Thursday (I felt great). I'm pretty sure I lost my mucus plug that morning, though. After going pee, I turned around to flush the toilet and saw a blob of color go down the drain! I actually wish I had been able to study it better because it happened so fast I didn't know if that's for sure what it'd been. Once again, I read that didn't necessarily mean I'd be going into labor within 24 hours (although that IS the most common).

I'd stopped getting my hopes up and no longer believed labor would happen that week, and therefore was NOT prepared. I'd planned to do the laundry and clean the house on Friday, as well as shave my legs, haha--because I felt tired all of Thursday. I took a three hour nap and sat on the couch watching TV pretty much the remainder of the day. (The last movie I watched was Double Jeopardy on television for the severalth time and the last food I had was popcorn, haha.) I hadn't felt so fatigued since my first trimester. . .but I'm guessing my body knew it was about to go into labor and I needed rest!

Looking back, I should have sensed something was up. At 10 pm I felt a "surge of energy." Not only had I previously been exhausted all day, but my mood had been down. Suddenly I was in the best mood ever. I was laughing and moving around easier than I had in a long time. (I remember actually twirling around in our bedroom.) I mentioned to Joe that maybe I should do the laundry and clean the house now that I felt so good, but I decided it was too late and so we went to bed at 11 pm. It didn't take long for me to be in a sound sleep.

Then. 1:53 AM.

I will never forget the sensation of what happened for as long as I live. It was as if a dam opened up inside of me. . .or someone began pouring a gallon of water out of me! In other words, a "pop" and then a RIVER of water with a ton of pressure shot through me. At first I thought I must be dreaming something scary--but then I snapped awake, realizing what was happening!

I yelled "JOE!" and jumped out of bed, already knowing that I'd lost a ton of amniotic fluid. Water was draining out of me as I ran to the bathroom. He immediately woke up and exclaimed, "What? Your water just broke?!"

"Yes!" I shouted.

I had to tell myself not to panic as I sat on the toilet and more water gushed out. I'd remembered the ultrasound technician telling me I had an above average amount (so I could afford to lose a lot). It was just not like what I'd expected! Everywhere I'd read, every person I'd talked to about this, had all said "it's not usually a gush like on TV--in most cases it's just a trickle and half of the time people never even know their water breaks." But there was no denying mine! (I wish that I had protected our bed, but fortunately it didn't stain. Before walking out the door we threw the sheets and my cozy red pjs into the washing machine, and now you'd never know. Same for our carpet.)

Joe immediately called the hospital (he had to talk to five different people so I kept hearing over and over, "My wife is thirty-seven weeks pregnant and her water just broke"). The last person told us to come in right now and they'd page my doctor. Thinking about my stubbly legs, I yelled, "Ask them if I can take a shower first!"

"A quick one."

So, I proceeded to get into the shower, only to realize at that point that it was going to be too difficult to shave and, frankly, I no longer cared. So, I just washed my face, brushed my teeth, and that was that. I didn't blow dry my hair or anything else--I put on pink sweatpants and my blue Bubba Gump Shrimp sweatshirt (obviously wearing matching clothes wasn't my priority) and joined Joe downstairs where he was making sure we had our necessities and let the dogs out. I typed the quick I'm In Labor post here, and then Joe sent an e-mail to his office telling them it was "go time!"

I was still leaking small amounts of fluid and so we put a plastic sack on the car seat and headed to the hospital. With it being the middle of the night there were hardly any other cars on the road so that was nice--the ride was only 15 minutes (ten minutes faster than it had been on the nights we'd gone to our childbirth classes).

As I stared out the window, I could not believe the moment was actually happening. This was really it! Everything I'd been practicing, preparing for, thinking about for so long--there was no more wait, the time was here!!! I was so pumped, so excited, so motivated--I wasn't scared or nervous at all, I'd been saying "bring it on" for weeks! I kept thinking of what our childbirth instructor had told us: "If your water breaks, you're guaranteed a baby within 24 hours." (Because otherwise infection could occur.) Logan's arrival was no longer a mystery!!!! (I love when mysteries are solved.)

Despite always knowing that my experience would be unique and that no one can ever completely prepare for their childbirth story, I still hadn't expected it to be such a dramatic rush like it is on TV. I'd been taught that I'd probably have all kinds of time during labor (especially with it being my first), so my bags were packed with things to do and we'd planned to call our families (although I knew I didn't want them in the room with me).

But, with my water breaking first, I couldn't even walk once we pulled up to the hospital at 3 am (let alone call anyone or do any activities). My contractions began at that point, although they were (once again) not like I'd expected. They immediately went to the final stage (in other words, they were as strong as they'd ever get and happened every minute). Also, rather than be similar to the tightening I'd had throughout my last two weeks, these felt like serious menstrual cramps. . .in fact, I've actually had the same degree of period cramps before (that's a whole different story).

As we stepped out of the car to head into the front entrance, a male nurse was walking out and could tell I was in labor. He said he'd get us a wheelchair. A guard then led us to the elevator and up to the second floor.

At this point I could no longer talk. I don't remember what the floor or anyone on it looked like, nor what was said. I was "zoned out." As many of you know, I'd chosen to do HypnoBirthing techniques for my labor and so I began to put them into effect, knowing that I must "ride the waves" if I was going to have a natural, medication-free childbirth for Logan. This pretty much meant being in a hypnotic state.

But I do remember Joe giving the staff my information and a nurse taking me to a room. She gave me a gown and showed me the bathroom. My water was still leaking so my sweats were soaked. After I changed into the gown, I was led to a bed where they hooked up the fetal monitor and checked my cervix. I was 5 cm dilated.

The nurse began putting my information into their computer. (I was annoyed it wasn't already there since I'd pre-registered during my childbirth classes.) There were questions Joe couldn't answer and so that made it harder for me to relax since I was forced to answer what seemed like a ton--but otherwise they were very accomodating to HypnoBirthing. (You never know when doing something out of the ordinary, so I was relieved.) The hospital staff was SUPER nice and helpful, wanting to do anything they could to make the experience exactly like what I wanted and for me to be 100% comfortable.

During this time of "riding the waves," Joe went to park the car. When he came back, he thought someone was pouring a pitcher of water. It turned out to be the rest of my water gushing out all over the bed! So the nurse checked my cervix again, at 4:45 am, it was 6-7 cm dilated. They told me that my doctor was now on her way.

I continued my deep breathing exercises as time slipped by. I vaguely remember Joe asking me if I wanted him to turn on my relaxation CDs, but I said no. The nurse also brought in a birthing ball, but everything that I'd planned on using now seemed like a distraction and I needed to keep concentrating in order to not lose my "zone." Joe tried rubbing my back and feet but even that was too much. He told me later that he cracked a few jokes that he thought were at least worth a smile but I completely ignored him, haha.

I tried standing up a few times and using Joe's support during the contractions, but I found it easiest to stay in bed (also not like what I'd thought, as I had figured walking around would be more comfortable for me).

By 5:43 am my contractions no longer had any seconds of break between them -- it was one right after another. The nurse checked me again and said I was between 8-9 cm. I was thrilled, this was faster than I had hoped and the pain not at all untolerable--it hadn't even been three hours since I'd arrived to the hospital and my contractions had started.

Other nurses were constantly in and out of the room and, despite me feeling only halfway conscious, I could hear them talking about the HypnoBirthing. Some were familiar with it and others weren't, so they all shared how impressed they were. They couldn't believe how fast things were going and how well I was handling everything with no epidural or pain medication. One said that in all of her years she'd never seen anything like it--as I'd become nearly dilated by remaining completely calm. (To them I just looked like I was sleeping peacefully the whole time.)

My doctor arrived at 6 am. She was like, "Didn't I just see you and tell you that you'd go into labor soon?" I laughed and said "yep"--she was right. She joked that she was proud of herself; she loves being right. I shouldn't have doubted her!

She was in and out of my room because another patient was delivering a baby down the hall! She said that in the past 16 days she'd delivered 17 babies so she was really wiped out. In fact, she had just fallen asleep at 1 am after another birth, when the hospital paged her again an hour later with both me and the other patient's water breaking! At some point I remember her going to get coffee, lol.

During the time when my doctor was with the other mother (we saw the other baby on Alegent Health's website; his name was Roman and he weighed 6 lbs, 13 oz, and was 20.25 inches long; the picture of Logan at the top of this blog is our hospital photo), I kept feeling the urge to push (my body basically was on its own) although it was not time yet. (If you push before 10 cm you can injure the cervix) So the nurses were telling me to breathe through it which was really hard--I felt like Logan was going to just pop out (I wish).

When my doctor returned, she said that there was just a tiny bit of cervix preventing me from being a complete 10 cm dilated and asked if it'd be okay for her to push it out of the way.

"Yes, please." (So I became 10 cm dilated at approx. 6:15 am.)

Strangely, my urge to push suddenly stopped but I started anyway at 6:30 am . All of the nurses were cheering, saying I was so lucky my labor had gone so fast, as they expected this last phase to be less than 30 minutes (since that is the average for most people with my duration of dilation). They were all congratulating me, saying I'd sailed through the hardest parts, that from my first contractions to birth would only be around 4 hours! My nurse mentioned that my doctor had four surgeries scheduled for that morning and she'd be able to make them all in time.

I was ecstatic I was almost done and had experienced my ideal birth plan. But. . .celebrating was premature. 7:00 am came and went and Logan hadn't budged at all. My doctor turned serious and said, "Okay, so here's the deal. Your pelvic region is small and the baby is facing up." (Remember how I mentioned in a previous blog that that was a concern of mine?! I knew by the way Logan kicked that he had never faced down like he was supposed to.)

I asked her what that meant and she said, "You have two options. You're doing an excellent job of pushing but it hasn't done anything because your baby is posterior which is making it even harder for him to fit through an already small pelvis. I can try and turn him and see if that makes a difference, but I'm warning you it's going to hurt like hell because I must stick my entire hand up there and twist--but otherwise the only other option is a c-section."

I didn't want to have a c-section so I gave her the go ahead to turn the baby. Joe says that was the only time during the experience where he felt like passing out, as blood went everywhere. I almost cried at that point but continued to do my deep breathing and relaxation which got me through it.

At 7:20 am I began pushing again. Unfortunately, my pelvis still stood in the way. I could hear my doctor rescheduling her surgeries and canceling several of her office appointments for that morning, as it became clear that my pushing phase was not going to end any time soon. :-(

I started to lose my zone and get upset, but my doctor helped me go back to my relaxation and deep breathing exercises. It was the only way I could have made it through those next few hours without giving her the go-ahead for a c-section. I pushed. And pushed. And pushed. And nothing happened. He didn't move a milimeter.

My doctor said she needed to make an executive decision. Since Logan's heart rate was still doing well, she was going to allow me to have the vaginal delivery that I wanted (the nurses said later that most doctors wouldn't have let me, but she ROCKS), however the only way I'd be able to is by getting an epidural so that my pelvic region would be completely relaxed for her to go up in there even farther and pull him with her hand. (My body wasn't naturally allowing her to do it.) It wasn't what I'd wanted to hear, knowing what I knew about epidurals. But, as I'd often written here, I knew that I might have to compromise part of my birth plan, and so I was okay with it because the alternative was worse, and so would have been taking any pain medication. So, I allowed the epidural in place of the c-section.

Since it is very rare for a woman to get an epidural after she starts pushing, the anesthesiologist said he'd be in after a couple of other labors and a surgery. My nurse was like, "Does he realize what's going on? Um, he's coming in here now!"

My doctor was still in and out, and said I could keep pushing if I felt like it, and so that's what I did on my own until I received the epidural at 8:30 am.

It's really true what they say about all modesty goes out the window in situations like this. I never thought I'd be naked in a bed on my hands and knees, butt up in the air, with strangers walking in and out of my hospital room--but that's the position the nurse recommended I change to in order to possibly help move Logan down the birth canal. I had hoped to have made some sort of progress by the time the epidural came (so that I wouldn't have to have one after all), but unfortunately I didn't. He still hadn't moved at all.

I was experiencing such major contractions that I had a hard time rolling up into a ball as the anesthesiologist told me to, but at least it prevented me from thinking about what he was doing. For those who read my HypnoBirthing blog, my fears of the epidural were the whole reason why I became interested in learning about HypnoBirthing! (But then my reasons for using that method became more for Logan's well being.)

Joe said the anesthesiologist didn't seem to have much sympathy for me. He kept saying, "I can't get at it clearly, you're going to have to do better than that." Finally he sighed and said my position was good enough.

Fortunately, I didn't experience any negative side effects of the epidural (nor did Logan) and it was obviously past the point of it leading to slow or stop in dilation (thus a c-section), which is often the case.

My doctor stayed with me for good at 8:30 am on, and twisted Logan with her hand again -- farther up this time. (Thankfully forceps or a vacuum were never used.) This time things began to move forward! It was still slow, though. . .every push I thought had to be "the one"--but there was always another. I couldn't believe Logan wasn't out yet. It was so exhausting. I really felt like I couldn't do it anymore, but then I remembered that our childbirth instructor had said that when you feel you have absolutely nothing left then you know you are almost done. So, I kept pushing, but I really didn't care about anything anymore. I whimpered, "Can you please just get him out now?" My doctor said that now was not the time to give up, I had passed that point, and I needed to keep going.

The bad part about the epidural is that even though I still felt pain, it made it harder for me to feel when I should push (since I didn't want pitocin). Before, my contractions were very clear to me which is what I'd wanted--I prefer to know what's going on. After the epidural I kept having to ask, "Is this one?" (because you're only supposed to push when having a contraction). I really couldn't tell one pain from another. It was all blended.

It turned out my third push (I always pushed in threes, with Joe counting to ten each time) was always my best, so we began to delay my pushes. It wasn't long before my doctor said, "Look at that head of hair!" I was hoping that meant his head was out, but it was just the top. She said Joe's eyes bugged out of his head, haha. He later said it was pretty incredible.

Those last "however many pushes" are a blur. I swear by the end I was having an out of body experience. I knew that more people came into the room (there was a woman who went right down to the front and started cheering me on. . .I was thinking, who the heck are you?!) but otherwise I couldn't tell you a thing that went on. I was so focused on getting my baby out!

FINALLY around 10 am, my doctor said that I had just a few more pushes to go (I assume Logan was crowning). At this point Logan's heart rate did start to drop. That had always been my fear from watching TV shows, but I was really impressed with the calm way everything was handled from beginning to end. Never did there seem reason to panic or get scared--it always seemed like my doctor had everything under control. I kept feeling her tap his head which got his heart rate going again.

Unfortunately, he twisted again at the end and was side up. Suddenly, it became imperative to get him out fast so that he wouldn't smother, and so my doctor asked if it'd be all right to perform an episiotomy. (Something else I had originally declined in my birth plan.) Between breaths, I said, "Do it." (Once again, it was appropriate for the situation; since she did it while I was having a contraction and pushing, it didn't hurt.)

Seconds later (after 3.5 hrs to dilate and 4 hours of pushing), at 10:30 am on Friday, April 18th, 2008, Logan James entered the world!

Honestly, I don't even remember him coming out. I was still having an out of body experience. There wasn't a big relief "down there" like I'd always thought it'd feel like, nor did I start crying as I always imagined I would (since I did every time I watched A Baby Story and they got to that part). I think I had used up all of my emotions!!!

I saw a group of people pick him up (my doctor had called for assistance) so I asked, "Can I hold him?" (my birth plan had said I wanted him immediately placed to my chest). But then I realized Logan wasn't crying or breathing and so they said they needed to work with him for a minute.

They took him to a table and began suctioning him, stimulating him, and putting the oxygen mask on him. I hadn't really seen him yet so I just stared at the cross hanging on the wall in front of me; I was in a daze but I really felt everything was going to be okay. I knew that I had entered the world the same way, and from carrying Logan I could tell that he was strong.

My doctor congratulated me and told everyone that I'd always been soft spoken--you'd never know I was such a tough cookie, lol. She then sewed me up (after my placenta was expelled--the pain wasn't gone until that was out. . .I was surprised at how huge mine was! They say it usually weighs 1.5 lbs, but I swear mine was more :p), while Joe stood by Logan as they made him cry (he videotaped a little bit) and they did his apgar test (the only score I heard was 8, which was good enough for me), and weighed him. He was higher than the ultrasound technician had predicted on Tuesday--his birth size ended up being 7 lbs, 13.7 oz, and he was 20.5 inches long!

I was relieved when I heard him cry, although he was still not breathing the best. I was allowed to hold him then, though--and this is the part that always makes me cry--when I held him for the first time and began talking to him, he opened his eyes and looked right at me. . .and his breathing became normal! They still took him to the intensive care, but he was breathing on his own by then, and within a half-an-hour we were told he'd be released to the regular nursery!

Joe was able to check on him frequently during his time in the NICU, so I felt okay being a part from Logan as I was taken to my recovery room. Before my doctor left, she spoke with me seriously, as well as later on, about my next pregnancy. She said that I need to be open to a c-section if things are identical during my next labor. I understand--since this birth did put strain on Logan. His face was all bruised when he came out and, no surprise, he had a cone head. Most serious is that like 50% of newborns (including me) he had jaundice, which (aside from premies, where 75% have it) it is often linked to trauma during birth.

I'm fortunate that I was able to have at least one experience of a vaginal childbirth and that it was the best I could have hoped for under these circumstances. My pushing phase was the type that often led to stillborn babies centuries ago, as well as sometimes death of the mother. Thank God we live in our current time!

The neat thing about HypnoBirthing is that it doesn't matter if you don't end up able to follow the plan to a T--your preparation makes you able to handle whatever complications arise and to still deal with them better than if you hadn't practiced the techniques. I feel it kept me calm, cool, and collected during my complication (having a small pelvis & baby in a posterior position) and allowed me to not need a c-section this time. Even though I ended up having to have an epidural at the very end (although it wasn't for pain--I still consider myself to have had a natural delivery because I went through everything and even pushed for two hours without it. I could have continued to do it if my doctor hadn't insisted I needed it for Logan to finally come out instead of the c-section, which was true) -- I'd consider HypnoBirthing a success and would recommend it!

It's definitely not for everyone, though. You have to really want it and be committed. You also have to be okay knowing that you won't be "free" of pain (at least I wasn't). But, as surprising as this may sound considering what I went through during my pushing phase, childbirth was definitely not the worst thing I've been through, nor was the pain as bad as I had always imagined. Pregnancy itself was harder and more painful. My childbirth experience was the best adventure of my life! Most importantly, Logan made it through.

My doctor said to me, "You are lucky that he came three weeks early because otherwise Logan would have been 10 lbs and there's no way he could have come vaginally." (UPDATE: This isn't entirely true. It is possible for me to have another vaginal birth next time, even if my next baby is bigger. I posted three blogs on how I could have avoided a posterior baby and how I can work with my pelvis next time. Click on the following links to read how. Part One. Part Two. Part Three.)

I thanked my doctor and have since decided I'm in love with her. :p I guess she's probably used to that with her patients, considering childbirth falls under the category of "traumatic experiences." In other words, it's like my body and mind consider her an angel who helped me come out of this unscathed and almost back to normal. I can't even feel my episiotomy or any other recovery-pain down there anymore! It's really shocking to me, I CAN NOT BELIEVE MY BODY DID WHAT IT DID and I'm not left for dead. Also, I already lost twenty-three pounds in three days (still have nineteen to go, as my final weight gain was 42 lbs) and am wearing the clothes I wore in November, only this time am able to walk fast again, bend over, carry things. . .yes, I've been longing for all of this for so long, so I am not taking for granted every second that I feel like my old self again!

I guess it's just proof that our bodies really were made to do this! My labor experience wouldn't have even been rough if not for my pelvis & posterior situation; But then you would have all hated me because I would have said that childbirth was a piece of cake. :p Because of my pushing phase, I admit it was definitely hard work--but yes the cliche is true--it's all worth it and I'll do it again (just not for a few more years, lol).

I have a beautiful baby boy who I feel more love for than I ever thought possible. I should have pink hearts floating all around me. I can't believe I made a real baby. . .he's the most innocent, sweet, cute, perfect little thing I've ever seen and I am adoring every moment with him. I never want this feeling to go away. . .I'm so happy. In my life I sometimes tend to look forward and not be content with the present unless everything is in place. Right now everything is totally out of place but I am more content than I've ever been. :-)