Everything--3

This was written on Thursday, July 16, 2009:

After my previous two posts which I mentioned contained the end to my long updates, I realized there were a few things I forgot to mention and so here is another (a part three)!

*Logan started playing ball (throwing) at 12 months old.

*This month we finally asked our Godparents if we could put them in our will as to who would raise Logan if something happened to us. They were really honored. I've known the woman for almost twenty years. . .it is the couple I mentioned in my last post when talking about honey. But hopefully it won't ever be necessary! (UPDATE: We later changed this to a couple here in Omaha since they have similar lives and parenting styles to us -- and Logan is best friends with their son.  But I absolutely love my childhood friend & her husband and know they will make fabulous parents someday.)

*At 11 months old when I said (in Logan's car's voice), "I am Lightning McQeeen," he would walk over to his car and try to climb on (he began climbing off & on at 13 months and now will actually stand on it and put his arms out to the side as if he's a dare devil. Just this week he actually made it go by himself for the first time - this is such a relief - I have been pushing him around since he was 9 months old even though he's been capable of doing it himself since 12 months, he just hasn't wanted to. . .hopefully now he will!) The first time the "Lightning McQueen" thing happened I was saying it randomly because that phrase was in my head - so I was impressed that it clicked inside his brain. It's still fun to say anything and see him react/know everything I say!

*In his final days of crawling (10.5/11 months old) he would try to go so fast that he would bow his head down and use it for speed. Hilarious.

*He's been leaning to the side since 10 months old when he's looking for something - it's adorable! I love him so much!!!!!!

*Since 11 months old he tries to pet our dogs, but somehow understands that he's not capable yet and so he sticks his hand out and pats the air next to them and makes his kissy sound. It's cute :)

He's even been doing that to the geese at our park (Joe took him the other night and I took him today) - and to Chris' cats when we were at her place a couple of weeks ago (I think it was the first time Logan had ever seen cats.  By the way - I spoke too soon - her nanny resigned on Monday so they started Gregory in a professional daycare yesterday; she asked if there were openings at Logan's babysitter's but, as I wrote about the other day, Logan's babysitter is actually a couple kids over her limit right now). Also, Logan did the "pat thing" to a cat he saw at the vet today when we went to pick up some soft food because Cosmo had his dental surgery, poor guy, he had one tooth extracted so he's on pain meds for three days. He also has an infection on his shoulder so they shaved that area to see if that would help, but if it doesn't heal within the month (I just thought it was a fat deposit because I heard & read that those are common bumps for dogs, unfortunately I noticed this 4 months ago) then we'll have to bring him back and he'll be put on antibiotics and they'll take a slide of it to make sure it's nothing else.

Otherwise, everything went well and he's acted normal all day, aside from being a little lazier. I brought him in at 7:45 am and he came home at 2 pm. His teeth have never looked so fantastic. They are shiny, clean, pearly whites! We have all kinds of stuff we can do to them to keep them like this now. . .otherwise they will start building tarter again in just 24 hrs. :(

*The eerie thing about the day Michael Jackson died is that before we knew (that was the day we had gone to the zoo with Andrea), Logan started doing the moonwalk in our kitchen! I was clapping and telling him what he was doing, who Michael Jackson was. Then, like, an hour later I turned on the TV and saw the news. Any time his music was played that week, Logan would immediately start dancing.

*Still now at almost 15 months old Logan will stuff his mouth with food if I don't watch him. I pray he never chokes. Sometimes he can hide food in his mouth so I won't realize that he hasn't swallowed when he asks for more and the next thing I know his cheeks are puffed out and it's falling out between his lips.

The good news is that his growth spurt seems to be evening out, or at least he hasn't been eating every hour since he returned from my parents' place on Monday! But that also means he's been getting up at 6:30 again - except for today it was actually SIX and then he only took a 2 hr nap and didn't go to bed until almost 10 pm. So it's actually the complete opposite of last week.

*I don't know if I've ever mentioned here that Logan has always been different with Joe than me. (Worse-behaved!) Joe will come home from work and I'll need a break so I'll go in "my office" or somewhere. . .and then I'll hear whining for the next half an hour. When Logan was a baby I used to come and take over for Joe because Logan would stop crying immediately with me but not with Joe. However, now I try to ignore it because Logan's whining isn't the same as crying and I realize I need to give Joe his own "alone experiences" with Logan - but it's hard for me because hearing that sound annoys me. I realize I need to leave my house if I want to truly relax. Which I did tonight (more on that in a minute.)

If you read my past two posts then you know Logan was at my parents' place over the weekend because I was ready for my monthly break. Unfortunately, not long after he was back I was already exhausted again. :( Like I said in those two posts, I just find this age difficult. Not because of anything out of the ordinary going on with him - I have to admit he's generally a good boy, it's just that I'm just not good with chaos. . .it's draining to me. . .but that is the life with any toddler!

The reason why I thought motherhood was so easy from day 1 to 9 months old (at that time I wrote that months 4, 6, & 7 were the hardest of those 9 - but I only said that because the other months he didn't fuss at all and during those three he had "some moments." Looking back, those months were really a breeze!) He gave me time to breathe - he was a baby, not a toddler boy bouncing off the walls. His cries were easy for me to understand and always necessary. I remember telling Joe that I was never tired because the energy I used towards Logan fed me so that I always had more. I'm sure you've all had experience with the good kind of stress and the bad kind of stress. The good kind drives you, the bad kind depeletes you. I'd never experienced so much happiness, joy, love, energy, fulfillment, and peace day in and day out for an entire year, so I was aware at the time that 2008 was the best year of my life.

Unfortunately, in 2009 the bad kind of stress started taking over and so this has not been one of my favorite years. Last year I felt good about myself because I was living a productive life as a new stay at home mom. Now, I never feel I get anything worthwhile accomplished. My house always looks like a bulldozer went through it, there's no point in cleaning because as soon as I do, Logan makes a mess. He loves to scatter as much as he can all around. At 15 months old (in two days) this isn't something I can really teach him not to do. (Although in a few months that should change, hopefully.) He's just being a 15 month old, and as long as he's not into anything harmful or breakable (which he's usually not) then it's helping his development. He could care less about his toys the past month. Learning how household items work is what stimulates him now. . .but this means I'm constantly watching him to make sure he doesn't kill himself or truly destroy things. (It was cute the other day: Joe was using a screwdriver and Logan watched him for a moment, then picked up another screwdriver and took it over to another screw and twisted it correctly!)

But, looking at my surroundings and seeing dirty dishes piled high, no clear space on the counters, toys strewn all over the family room floor, couch pillows all around, empty sacks, paper, clothes. . .it brings me down - so then I'm not only tired physically but I am tired emotionally as well.

Not only does Logan make a mess of one room when I'm cleaning another, but most of the time he really doesn't give me an opportunity to clean (so that part of My Summer/Fall Schedule has gotten an F; the other stuff I give myself a B+ so far). There is just no free time! I spend my days doing the exact same things every single day. (We haven't had a chance to buy my camera yet, My New Hobby, so maybe starting photography this weekend will help. If I had the camera I would have posted a pic of my new hair - as of yesterday it's brown/natural from now on!)

Even though my hours are spent doing pleasant activities (it's been the most beautiful, perfect-weather summer I can ever remember - so, for example, today we went to the park twice which was fun), it is exhausting for me.

I'm thankful for how energetic he is. . . I love his goofy/crazy personality. Like I wrote about in my Boys Will Be Boys post, Logan is the stereotypical boy and I love it. I love him! I can't imagine meeting a soul that is sweeter! But. . .I'm wiped out by 10 am.

Also, cold #6 (or #3 for his "year two") has come. Fortunately, it hasn't been bad and is already almost gone, but I didn't take him to his babysitter's on Tuesday - where he's been going 8 hrs a week since he was 11 months old due to me realizing I need that amount of break to get my energy back up, until now that amount was all I needed. . .maybe I need even more. So it's been a longer week for me.

Around the time Logan turned a year old he became a normal person (meaning, he has since had moods - he doesn't cry anymore but he whines. The difference is whining is hardly ever necessary. . .from my point of view anyway)!

In my most recent two posts I mentioned that Logan's temper tantrums which started in month twelve but stopped before month thirteen, returned in month fourteen - well, they are every day now. From reading other mom blogs with this age group I see that is normal and healthy. I try to remind myself this is a good thing - without them he will not be the type of person I want him to be: independent, confident, and to always know who he is. If it doesn't happen now, then it will in the future. Parents who use authoritarian parenting to expect their children not to have "the terrible twos" are setting themselves and their children up for disaster in the future.

Even though his are short and mild, it is hard when I have no clue why he's throwing them. I'm probably feeling what a lot of mothers feel when they first have a baby - "what is wrong?" He's still a happy child and smiles more than the average. . .it's just that one minute later he can find something to scrunch up his face about. His consistant and predictable smile used to be his trademark - strangers came up to us and remarked about how they couldn't believe how jovial he was. He's still well-behaved in public (knock on wood, still no tears or yelling around others) but now is usually "serious."

The good news is that from what I've read, we might be getting the "terrible twos" over with early. It is common for children to be fussier before they turn two rather than after. I've mentioned here before that Joe's mom said he was easy from age two on, but was difficult and exhausting from 0 to 2. Hmmm, maybe I was wrong in my previous post when I said that Logan doesn't seem to be taking after Joe at all. At least I hope this is the case (even with Logan being easy his first 9 months). . .and also maybe it's just my age preference, like what I said in Everything--2 about how I can easily visualize myself getting along well with a 3+ child (or even 2) better than right now when there is limited communication. The age of 1 to 2 just might not be my cup of tea and I guess that's okay.

Logan & I still feel like kindred spirits (close & connected), but while month 11 he was the easiest and most fun of his life, month 14 has been the hardest of his life, for sure.

Anyway, so even though Logan isn't 100% over his cold, I took him to Babysitter's today and then asked her if she was full tomorrow. She's not, but she's not going to be there because her husband is having surgery so Logan will have to be at home. Well my grandparents are coming this weekend so I can't keep this place looking like a disaster. I NEED TO CLEAN! Joe had to work until after 7 pm tonight and so by the time he came home I was ready to lose it.

I hadn't even had time to make supper, and Logan had laughed three different times when I'd said "no" about trying to pull a glass dish out of our china cabinet drawer. I tried "time out" which I've only done once before (otherwise I've always done "re-drecting" while saying "no" which has worked until now - but now that he has started disobeying "no" he needs consequences for his actions). However, I really don't think he's old enough to "get" time-out yet. It was obvious he had no idea I was closing him in our family room because of the china dish; therefore, it wasn't going to teach him anything. All it did was make him worse because when he was being bad he was actually happy - but once I closed the baby gates on him he started screaming and continued whining even after I opened the gates so he was even more work for me. I'm like, that just made him think that if he cries I give in so he should keep whining!

Thankfully, I'm LOVING Dr. Sears' The Discipline Book (I wrote about it in my post, Attachment Parenting. I have the same reaction as I did to every paragraph in The Fussy Baby Book: I shout "This is sooo good!" at the top of my lungs) so I'm looking forward to getting to the part that teaches effective ways of discipline. Every age is different. Every child is different. So while time-out might work for Logan in the future, I'm not going to do it again for another 9 months. It felt ridiculous to me today. When I find something that feels right I'm going to stick with it.

Needless to say, Logan was still whiny when Joe came home and I yelled at Logan (which I had already done earlier in the day - something I've mentioned here before that I've prided myself on only having done two other days in Logan's entire life because I grew up in a family that yelled daily. The other two days were the only moments I've ever gotten the slightest bit frustrated with him in his almost 15 months but this was the second time for me saying, "shut up!") I felt bad and told Joe I hate being like this - I needed to leave. So I got in my car and left for an hour. Crying and feeling like a bad mother, deciding that I should not have anymore children because one is too much for me. I don't expect to be perfect anymore, but I do expect to be able to act like the adult.

I picked up a sandwich from Jimmy John's and went back to the park for my third time today and then felt better. When I got home Logan was smiling and never once whined until he finally went to bed. I hope he sleeps in tomorrow but I'm not planning on it. (Going to bed later has never made him sleep in later.) My parents were kind enough to offer to watch him again next weekend when our friends come over. . .and by then he will officially be 15 months old which means he'll probably change again! Even with 2009 being a harder year for me, there were still months 8, 11, and 13 when he was easier & I very much enjoyed, so there is hope for the next five.

At least I had a relaxing weekend - a bath on Friday, a Lifetime movie on Saturday, and sat on the deck and read on Sunday. Still, Joe told me to contact a cleaning service and to start having someone come in August. We'll see if it helps!

Stay At Home Moms (and dads) Rock

This was originally written on Tuesday, April 7, 2009:

Okay, three 4-hr days are too much for me!

[To bring anyone up to date: On March 24, 2009 I decided I was ready to get a babysitter for the first time for my 11 month old. He'd never been with "a stranger" for even a sec, but thankfully the sitter is AWESOME - she's had an at-home daycare for 26 years and raised 7 of her own children in a beautiful house just 5 minutes from my neighborhood. She was fine with my son only being there 8 hrs a week (two 4 hr days), which was just enough time for me to have a break to catch up on life outside of being a stay at home mom. His first 4 days went "better than average" but he still cried off & on. (You can read about those days in my posts, Logan's First Day and All Kinds Of Stuff and 11.5 Months Old and Adjusted.) In the last post, I said that this week & next Logan would go three half-days a week (so 12 hrs total) to see if he'd adjust quicker. He did! Both yesterday & today he never shed one tear or acted the least bit phased because I can tell he loves his sitter and the other kids & toys. Not only has it been great for him (and he's better behaved at home because he's not as bored), but also for me because now I have more energy. I've always loved being a stay at home mom (how could I not, my son is the best!!!), but I realized when he was ten months old that I could easily stop loving it if I didn't take some moments to myself. Even though he's easy-going, he's still a very active, constantly-wanting stimulation almost 12-month-old.]

In my post, 10.5 Months Old, when I wrote about how each mother should do what's best for them as far as how to be the best mother (whether that's work full-time, part-time, or stay at home - and sometimes there is no choice, such as for financial reasons), obviously what is best for any child is when a parent can be the best staying at home with them. This goes for stay at home dads as well because they are equally important! (I don't think it matters who is the one to do it, probably whatever works best financially.) Either parent who is healthy, stable, and secure will be a stronger influence helping their child to be that way if the parent is around the child more than anyone else. It does not make sense to think that if both parents spend more time at work than with their children that they are the biggest influence and that daycare isn't raising their children. That's why stay at home mom and dads rock! Yeay for raising our children!

Also, Logan needs me at this age & enjoys me, so taking two days in a row this week about killed me. Even after his great day yesterday, I sobbed worse this morning than I did the very first time I dropped him off (to be honest I never cried the other three days he went).

Maybe it's because I had a nightmare that woke me up this morning. . .for some reason I "had" to give Logan up for adoption. It was real quick, I just handed him over to another couple and then I was given another baby in his place. I was crying and saying, "I don't want another baby, I want MY baby! I want Logan! How can I possibly never see him again?!" (OMG, I'm tearing up right now) When I woke up I wanted to go into his room and hold him but I knew that would wake him up.

I'm so glad I don't HAVE to send him to daycare because, just like it didn't fit for me to not get a break at all each week, it definitely doesn't fit for me to take him any more than 8 hrs a week. I just didn't feel like I got to spend enough time with him yesterday, even though he was here from noon on! I missed my little guy!

Joe had to work 'til 7 pm last night and he said it was awful only getting to see Logan for an hour (since Logan goes to bed at 8). So we BOTH found out what our limit is!

Joe's a terrific guy but I remember that a couple of months before our wedding, it came up that I was going to be a stay at home mom. I'm sure we had discussed it before in our 3 yrs of dating but he must have thought I meant just when our child was a newborn or something. (I don't blame him; I wrote in my post, All Kinds Of Stuff how my life in high school and college was centered around becoming a TV news reporter/anchor - until my first real job in that profession, lol. That's okay, though, because there's no way to be successful in the news business and take a break to be a stay at home mom, so it was never meant to be!) Here's how our conversation went:

Me: "No, I'm going to be a stay at home mom until all of our children are in school."

At that time I was planning on having three kids, all 4 years apart. (Now we're planning to have just two kids, three years apart.)

Hubby: "That's thirteen years! No, you're going to make at least $30K a year."

I was shocked he would say that because neither of us are money-obsessed, there are far more important things in life and he's always been a very understanding, supportive, considerate, warm-hearted guy when it comes to everything else! Plus, his job was going to be able to afford me to stay at home. But obviously he'd had in his mind a different picture of "us" than I did.

I remember looking at him with my mouth open because I didn't know where this magical number was coming from. At the time I worked in TV. In my first job I was making less than $20K! So apparently I was going to have to switch professions?

I told him that I guess we should call off our wedding because this was a decision I'd felt strongly and passionate about since I was a little girl (because my mom was a single mother who had to work long hours to support us, so I was raised at babysitter's houses and daycare centers). I was very serious -- by then our wedding was pretty much planned, but I was willing to cancel over this issue because we were talking about "the rest of our lives."

It helped that we were at his mom's house at the time and she had been a stay at home mom with him until he was in school, then worked part-time until retirement. It was kind of like an "oh" moment because he considers his childhood to be perfect, ideal, so if his parents did it, then so could we.

We didn't have to cancel our wedding and he never batted his eye about this subject again. . .which is good considering I actually quit my job BEFORE I had any children so that I COULD change professions and become a writer (which was always the best fit and my #1 passion, anyway). Now he prefers it this way because I'm happier and a better wife than when I worked in TV and even radio (despite radio being A LOT better than TV).

Even though I altered my plans in March (since I had thought pre-school would be my first days away from my children), this is how I always fantasized my future family when I was a little girl. I wanted the convential All-American life: a cozy house in the suburbs with a white fence, two dogs, and kids that were tucked into bed with smiles on their faces because they were happy and loved and knew they were thought to be "the bomb" by parents who loved each other forever. (None of that I had.) Sure, plenty of women who aren't stay at home moms attain this, but I don't think I could have. So I will never take being a SAHM for granted!

Logan's First Day

This was originally written on Tuesday, March 24, 2009:

Before I get into today. . .some things I forgot to mention in my last post:

Around 8 months old Logan started to be scared of the vacuum. Prior to then he could care less, but ever since then we've had to hold him in another room because otherwise he gets a horrified look on his face and screams! As soon as we pick him up he is fine; we've been showing him that the vacuum is a "friend." But he isn't comfortable on his own yet when the vacuum is on. When I was growing up my mom had an old-fashioned Kirby that was as loud as a train, so I think I was scared of it until junior high, lol.

Also during his 8th month he was crawling around our bedroom one day and I noticed him playing in a corner trying to fit behind our bed. When I walked over to him, he had a big grin on his face and was laughing and waving something in his right hand.

A wrapped condom.

I guess Logan isn't ready for a brother or sister yet.

Around 10 months old he began turning on & off the TV. For some reason this made him upset. At first I thought it was because he'd push the volume button so the television would get loud, but then he'd cry when he pushed the volume down, as well as turned the channels! I still don't really know why it bothered him, especially since he would look at me before he did it with a worried look on his face because he knew what was going to happen! Then he'd push the button and start crying! He's getting better about it now. . .it seemed to improve around the time we showed him how the light switches worked. In my last post I said that is one of his favorite things right now (seeing the lights turn on & off and being the one to do it)--but the first day he had the same reaction as with the TV, so maybe the idea of having power/being able to control things was a scary concept to him. Maybe until now he thought everything just IS.

Around 10.5 months old he discovered the concept of gravity. So now I can't give him toys when we're out to eat because he'll immediately drop them off his high chair. Whenever we give him anything right now, he throws it. :p

Also around that time he began biting & chewing his food so now we feel comfortable introducing all adult foods. (Last night he had spaghetti for the first time!)

He'll still be mainly eating baby food & formula for another month, but we're going to start replacing one of his bottles with a sippy cup this week to make the transition to no formula/bottles & no baby food next month easier. It's really fun to see him take bites of things and munch, rather than just stuff the whole thing in his mouth and suck or swallow. He's right on track to being able to eat regular-quanity of regular-sized pieces from next month on!

I'm looking forward to not having to hand-wash bottles anymore. I thought it was bad back when I pumped, but I was still breastfeeding a lot so I didn't have as many bottles as I do now (even though Logan eats less often). The sippy cup brands we use are Nuby, Born Free, and Nuk. Apparently those are supposed to be easier for them to transition & use (and are BPA free), although like I said before he's really not doing so well even though we gave him his first (a Gerber) back when he was 6 months old.

And, finally around 10.5 months old he began responding when I'd say, "Please give that to Mommy" when he picks up something that he shouldn't have. I've found this works better than just grabbing it out of his hand (which I used to do and then he'd scream). Now he actually smiles and hands it to me because he likes "communicating." Lately sometimes he'll giggle and try to get me to chase him (like a game), but I'm okay with that because I can secretly get the item out of his hand by distracting him.

Speaking of games, every now & then he'll try and put his pointer finger in my mouth and start laughing because he wants me to pretend to eat it. Silly guy. This works in the car when he's bored (if I'm sitting back there; last month I stopped sitting in the backseat when we're on short trips but I still do long trips) or he likes me singing "99 Bottles of Milk On The Wall," haha. He also likes "This Old Man," "10 Little Monkeys" and still "Twinkle, Twinkle." The songs that I made up for him back when he was a newborn that I still sing are, "I love Logan" (this always makes him smile, it was just a spontaneous make-up one day so it's nothing special, but it stuck. I use the "Are You Sleeping?" sound to say, "I love Logan, I love Logan, Yes I do, Yes I do, You're my little peanut, You're my little peanut, I love you, I love you.") and "Beautiful Baby" (same situation only it's my own rhythm; it goes "Beautiful baby you are my light, you are the one that I hold very tight. Beautiful baby you are my joy, I am so thankful for my little boy. Beautiful baby, I love you so, I am your mommy your daddy is Joe. Beautiful baby, Logan's your name, time for this song to end before it gets lame!")

It's too bad I had my "freak out" during Logan's "month 10" because it was on his list of good/easy months, but because of me being overwhelmed it's not one I'd freeze in time. Because during "month 10" I had my very first day of actually feeling frustrated with Logan, but I do have to give myself credit because that was better than what I would have thought prior to having a baby (yes, I seriously spent 10 months of staying 110% calm & easy-going/laidback with him no matter what the situation). Even though in August I had my very first moments of feeling stressed as a mother, and my second moments in November, I was able to get rejuvinated immediately. But in January I started to feel a little bit like that again--and was able to distract myself until Logan's surgery. . .however, then it all consumed me/overtook me and so it affected my parenting one day in February, causing me to say "shut up" to Logan which then made me feel awful--but that's what prompted me to get help because although I know it's not realistic to never get mad at him again, I obviously prefer feeling calm and easy-going and in control and able to handle everything in a healthy, happy way as I had been doing his first ten months and after that day since.

My counselor says I was putting unrealistic pressure on myself. She said it's okay to show Logan that I'm not a perfect mom. I don't have to behave "ideally" every second of every day, as long as I'm not abusive or anything (which I know myself enough to know that will never be the case). Even though here I have no trouble writing honestly and openly about every little feeling I have (those who read this blog definitely have an advantage over everyone else because this is the "real me"), I didn't realize that subconcsiously I was afraid that if I showed Logan that I felt worried, or nervous, or scared, or sad, or mad that I was going to ruin Logan's life. It was like I was trying out for "mom of the year" or something - but no one but him & I were around, and he's too young to remember or care right now!

Hopefully I haven't been coming across that I had an awful childhood, because despite the issues from my life which I've mentioned briefly in various posts on this blogsite, I did have love & happiness and do feel I turned out well. :p So, logically I know that Logan can do just fine even if I make mistake after mistake (which I will no matter what), so it's a matter of finding the balance again--i.e. he doesn't need to know every single emotion I feel, but it's okay if he knows his mom isn't always a carefree, happy, have-it-all-together person, lol.

But during his first six months that's really how I felt, and so I think I was also having a hard time adjusting (and accepting myself) to not feeling like that once he started crawling. The first half year of his life, pretty much every day I'd say to Joe, "This really isn't that hard! I think I've found my niche! I am so happy! Our dogs were harder than Logan!" I think part of me knew that wasn't going to last and so I wanted to make sure I said it alound so that I could remember what it was like to feel that way every day.

I think I'm the opposite of most women, though. When talking to others it seems like the average don't like the "prior to 6 months" phase as well as "6 months on." But as I said in my last post, I would have loved if Logan's months prior to #6 had lasted double or triple the amount of time--but even though #8 & #10 were without fussiness, and he's had so many milestones this second half year of his life, I haven't needed to slow down the past few months any.

However, I get the feeling that's changing. Now in "month 11" I'm starting to get sentimental and have a feeling I might not want to let this spring/summer go, anymore than last spring/summer!

When I picked Logan up on Saturday I missed him soooooo much! Joe & I don't feel the need for anymore weekend breaks! My parents will miss him -- they sure enjoyed seeing him 4 weeks in a row, 3 of those being at their house with him! Once again he did fantastic, although his scar developed a pimple(?) and it popped so then it was scabbed over. I was going to call the ENT yesterday but then it healed and looked back to normal--however, this morning I noticed it had a pimple again! So I called them and they said to put some bacitracin ointment on it and if it doesn't go away in a week (or if it gets bigger sooner) then they want to take a look.

On Sunday we met Amber & Josh for lunch at Red Robin. I hadn't seen Amber since my shower last March so it was fun to catch up with them! (She is who I went to a couple of writers group meetings with back in 2007 - according to my search box she was mentioned on my post, Pregnant and Sick; Joe worked with Josh in 2007 which was the first year he started working at his current place of employment).

On Monday I met Chris for lunch at The Summer Kitchen Cafe where I had the best tuna sandwich (melt) of my life. I'd never eaten there before but they had a great menu so I'll be back! (It was the second time Logan has been offered a kid's menu & crayons-the first was last week with Brooke-so that was cute even though we'll wait another month for that.) Chris returns to work this Thursday from maternity leave. She didn't bring her baby yesterday, so I still haven't met the little guy, but they are coming to Logan's 1st birthday in 3.5 weeks!

Chris was sad she had to stop breastfeeding. Her milk supply started decreasing a couple of weeks ago so she took all of the supplements out there, pumped constantly, worked with lactation consultants, etc. Unfortunately then her son stopped latching on, but the final straw was when her doctor told her she must go on medication for an issue she faced prior to being pregnant. (The medication is not healthy for breastfeeding.) I told her she should get a standing ovation for the 5 weeks she did it because I know first hand how incredibly difficult it can be and those 5 weeks count!!!!!

As for today (Tuesday). . .it was Logan's first day with a babysitter. I think I'm getting a taste of what it's going to be like to send my kids to kindergarten for the first time and to college! Yesterday I really considered canceling or at least postponing it another week, because I kept tearing up when I'd think about it, but when Joe asked "why?" I realized I couldn't come up with a single reason, aside from me just wanting to delay the inevitable--Logan being with a stranger for the first time. But he's probably going to do better at this age than a year from now and so on. Just like I said in my post, First Babysitter At 11 Months Old, I'm a firm believer in listening to your gut instinct, and my instinct has continued to say "do it."

We had a tornado yesterday but fortunately didn't have any damage (it was on the ground just miles from us, though, so we went down to our basement after the sirens went off and we got a phone call from the city)! Once the storm was over I went out and got diapers & wipes for the babysitter to keep at her place. I made Logan's little bag and then this morning he woke up at 6:30 because he had a nightmare :( He did that yesterday, too, so I'm glad it was BEFORE the daycare rather than after, however he hadn't had any nightmares/night terrors since January (all of the mornings & after his naps he wakes up laughing & babbling!) so I'm not sure what has prompted him to wake up early both mornings due to something spooking him. At least they haven't occured in the middle of the night. . .his brain must be going on to a new phase again!

I got up with Joe and took a shower, and then Joe left for work at 8 and I took Logan at 8:45 over to Babysitter's. I only stayed for about 5 minutes. . .I didn't want to make a scene about it, I figured me acting laidback would help Logan continue to be, rather than if I got all kissy/huggy & talkative. We just went over the basics and by then Logan had already found some toys to play with and wasn't even looking at me so I just snuck out.

Of course once I got into my car I started crying. It was Logan's first day in the world without me. I'd planned on going to the grocery store but decided to go home first to get some Kleenex :p So I cried for a bit, realized I hadn't eaten breakfast so I had some food, and then I went to my counselor appt. It was a good day to go, lol.

Afterwards it was 11:30 so I grabbed a free sub I had at Blimpie's and by the time I came home to eat it, talked to Joe, and called the ENT's office, it was time to pick Logan up! I can't believe how fast this day went despite me getting up 1.5 hrs earlier than usual.

I arrived to Babysitter's around 12:35. When I had come over that morning I'd heard the almost 4-year-old say, "Is that Logan?" He was really excited to have Logan join him & his brother (the only two on Tues & Thurs until June).

This time when I walked inside I didn't hear anything. . .when I came down the steps and around the corner I saw Babysitter in her chair with a blanket on her shoulder and Logan sleeping. I felt my heart drop a little because I knew that meant he'd been crying.

Sure enough, as soon as I said "hi," he opened his eyes and looked at me and started crying. :( So I started crying. :( I picked him up and he stopped immediately, thankfully.

I asked Babysitter how he did and she said it was very normal. He was fine until he realized I was gone. Even though he'd had about 14 oz. of milk between 6:30-8:30 as well as 1/4 of a stage 3 pears, he had 3 bottles while he was there (one at 9:30, 10:30, and noon, and also lunch at 11:30--adult carrots & peas which he ate all by himself)! He would play for awhile and have fun, but then if she had to leave his side for a second to change the other baby's diaper, or when she went into the kitchen to get lunch he would start crying. She said that is very typical behavior and I should not feel guilty. I guess the reason she had an opening was because she had a little boy for 3 years who just moved to CT and he was there for 12 hrs every day. She said that we remind her of the other little boy & his parents, although I think she thought I was a lot younger than I am because she asked my age and seemed very surprised when I said 29. (She had shown me a collage when we were there last Wed. of the kids over the years and so I saw the other boy & his parents.) Anyway, she said she can tell Logan is going to adjust quickly, and that the 4 hrs two days a week are going to go very fast for him once he gets used to it. She said that I deserve to have some time for myself.

I just wish he had been like at my parents house and not cried. . .there he could have cared less that I wasn't around for 48 hrs! As long as each time we go he improves. If not, then I will have a hard time feeling like I do deserve that time. :( But starting this Thursday Joe is going to take him at 8 and then I'll always pick him up at noon, so that might work better, too, because yesterday & today he wanted to take his nap earlier than the 1:00 he'd been doing lately (because he woke up earlier after the night). As soon as I put him in his carseat to go home, he was sound asleep and continued sleeping even as I took him out and put him in his crib. By the way, my car made a really bad sound the whole way home so I don't know what's wrong with it. Hopefully Joe will be able to figure it out when he gets home! But most of all I hope Logan will be back to his happy self when he wakes up from his nap.

UPDATE: How has Logan been since he woke up from his nap? I think this picture speaks for itself :)
We're on for Thursday!

First Babysitter At 11 Months

This was originally written on Wednesday, March 18, 2009:

I did not expect myself to cry today, but here I am now second guessing the whole thing. I really wish I just didn't have to do it. . .that I could be Superwoman and would never need a babysitter for my son. I know that's not healthy -- my husband and I do need to start going on dates again. A couple of months ago my massage therapist made a good comment: a lot of mothers get so focused on their children that not only do they lose themselves but they lose their relationship with their husbands. But children grow up and move on, so if you don't keep your marriage first priority (yes, that means over your children which is way easier said than done!) then that's why so many marriages fail. So, finding a nighttime/weekend babysitter for Joe & I to have time "just the two of us" will be next. Those who have been following my blog know that this babysitter is for the part about the mother not losing herself. :p I made it 11 months without ever needing one, but Logan went to my parents' house the last two weekends for the first time by himself because I needed a break, but they live out of state so they aren't an option for just a random hour here & there during the week like those who live in the same city as their family.

Every day from when I called the very first sitter to see if it would be possible for my son to go 8 hrs a week so that I can get other things done (because I put 110% into being a stay at home mom to my precious son and I want to continue loving it, which I have so far), I have tried to see if I could make it work by myself. . .but even though I'm out of my funk now (which you can read about in my post, 10.5 Months Old), I do need help.

So on Monday I called the babysitter who we chose and told her we'd like her as "the one" (you can read the results of my interview on my post, It's Going To Work!), could we start with two half-days next Tues & Thurs March 24th & 26th? She said "yes" and asked if I could come over sometime this week to get the paperwork. She suggested I bring Logan while the kids were there to see how he did. So, this morning from 10:15-11:15 Logan & I went over there. Her husband and son answered the door. . .I guess there's nothing wrong with that. . .they seemed like nice & normal clean-cut people who were doing their own thing upstairs. But there's the "control freak" part of me that hates that I won't be able to control who is around my son when I'm not -- or worse yet, that I might not ever have any idea. But that's going to be the case anytime Logan is away from me. . .and it's not practical or healthy to never be apart now that he's turning a year old. I'm the daughter of a Special Agent so I grew up friends with the police. Therefore, I'm not "too trusting." I will keep my eyes wide open and watch them like hawks, I will never turn off my gut instinct -- and so that's how I trust that my son will be safe.

Fortunately, the majority of people in this world are decent human beings. However, in the news all you hear about are the ones who aren't. Over the weekend there was a story on Headline News about a couple arrested for molesting their at-home day care kids. Thanks, that was just what I needed to hear. Then later that day there was another story about a woman who shut down her at-home day care after she accidentally gave her kids windshield wiper fluid to drink.

90% of myself wants to desperately keep Logan glued to me because I'd rather something bad happen in my care than someone else's. There's a part that truly thinks I can keep him protected from anything bad in the world. But the other 10% knows that it is impossible. We don't live in a world where you can avoid bad things happening. Unless I actually want to hold him back and make him feel weak, insecure & incapable, then I need to follow his cues and if he's showing me that he's confident and secure and happy, then I need to trust & have faith that he is - and will be - okay. She doesn't have a webcam, but said that I can stop by at any time without any notice. I'm so glad I'm going to my counselor again because we talked about this on Monday and she's helping me balance these normal & natural feelings so maybe they can at least get to be 50/50!

When I went around the corner to the stairs, there were three cute boys with their heads over the baby gate and big smiles. "Hi Logan!" They cheered. I couldn't help but smile at that. There were two 4-year-olds, one 3-year-old (who is going to be 4 next month), a two-year-old, and 9-month old. I had planned on the one day a week being Wednesdays (middle of the week - good day to have my break), but now I've scratched that idea because Wednesdays are her second bussiest days (Fridays she has all of her kids at once--which mean 6 others aside from Logan, Wednesdays 5, Mondays 4, and Tuesdays & Thursdays 2 until school is out, then there will be 3 aside from Logan when the girls come, which I mentioned in my post, It's Going To Work!).

Plus, I've decided 8 hrs all in the same day will be too long for Logan (and me, lol), especially since he wouldn't get a good nap there. Before, I didn't know if a half-day would allow me enough time, but I will MAKE IT work. So, it will end up being 4 hrs two mornings a week, probably Tuesdays & Thursdays. That should also help him adjust quicker. Since I'll be picking Logan up at noon, he'll take his nap here which will continue to give me another couple of hours on the days he goes over there.

I'm glad to know this isn't something I have to do, we can stop it at any time. If I notice anything negative from it, then I'll know I tried but that it wasn't for us. Fortunately, so far, Logan is giving great signs that we should go ahead with it, and so even though when I left today & got into my car my first words were, "I don't know if I can do this!" we're going to take it one step at a time.

Since we stayed for an hour, I was able to talk to Babysitter more and get other questions answered. Of course I was looking for things wrong this time (rather than last time everything seemed perfect), but anyone can always find something wrong with everyone if you disect and analyze everything they say or do. For example, noticing how Logan was putting the toys in his mouth and then the 9 month old came over and put the same toys in his mouth. . . "So how often do you wash the toys?" Her response: "A lot." What does that mean? Or, when the older boys wanted to go outside and play, they did while we stayed inside with Logan, the 9 month old, and the 2 year old. . .even though the yard is fenced and appears safe, is that okay to do?

She seemed like a very good sitter and good with the kids, though, so I'm trying to tell myself it's not really "daycare". . .it's more like I'm just dropping him off to play with other kids for 4 hrs. It's really no different than if he was in a playgroup (Joe was in one until pre-school, and it rotated between the houses each week) -- chances are I wouldn't know the moms prior to joining one, but this woman actually has experience, is trained, and certified. I feel more comfortable with this scenerio than putting Logan in an actual professional daycare, because I went to three of those as a child and never got any attention or supervision because there were just so many other kids. At least this way I feel like she will stop kids from being mean to him. . .although that is a huge fear of mine.

I know that no parent wants their kid to be picked on, but I recognize that I have an irrational fear about this. I was concerned about it already when I was pregnant, but I thought the earliest I would have to worry about it was 3 or 4 yrs old when Logan goes to pre-school. But, once again, if I want him around any children at all before (which I do, that's a healthy part of his growth & development) then he's going to be around imperfect behaviors. This will happen just playing with a kid under my own nose. But I was suddenly overcome the other day by the obsession of what if some little kid at this daycare hurts Logan?

I talked about this with my counselor on Monday and she really made a good point. Because of what I went through - being bullied as a kid was the main part of my life for several years - gives us an advantage. (I've never talked about my experience on this blogsite, but I probably will in a future post.) There is no way it will ever get that bad for Logan because he has ME as a mom. My parents didn't realize the extent of what was going on. Apparently nor did the teachers, even though it was happening right under their noses. There was that whole concept of "everyone must learn to get along." As a child I didn't think I had any options. I really thought I just had to suffer through it every day for 5 years. As an adult I see that is SO not the case. If Logan is hurting because of someone else, then I will confront the teacher and ask why they aren't doing their job by stopping the behavior. I will go to the other child's parents and make them aware that it is not acceptable. We will arrange a meeting between Logan and the other kid, away from their normal environment, in the presence of adults. If worse comes to worse, we will change schools or whatever needs to be done.

The stuff I had to go through as a kid because "it would benefit us as adults" - is not allowed for adults! It's against the law. In a workplace the person would be fired. But nobody around me realized this at the time and so I didn't have a support system. A child needs a support system as well as tools to deal with it on their own.

Logan already has a support system. My parents split up when I was two years old, so I came from an insecure homelife. Logan has a secure environment - parents that he knows he will always be able to count on who will have his back, and so those things will already give him an advantage that I didn't have as far as healthy self-esteem and confidence. Then, if I encourage him, letting him know he has the power & ability to stop it - that is, not make him think that he needs to hide behind me but instead know that he is capable and I am cheering him on - then he will also have the tools.

I can't avoid other people being mean to him, now or in the future, but I can teach him to hold his head high rather than bow down so that he doesn't end up suffering. Right now he is soooo secure, it amazes me. . .I think that's why it brought tears to my eyes when one of the kids was bouncing a blow-up ball and it accidentally hit Logan in the head. Logan didn't care, nor did he act like it was anything scary to be at Babysitter's with all of the kids running around. She said they were more hyper than usual because they were excited about Logan, so she was warning me that Logan would probably feel overwhelmed, as most kids in her 26 years of practice start crying during this visit. Not only did Logan never cry (although watching the boys so rambunctious made me cry) no matter how much the other kids got up in his face to say, "Hi Logan!" and then touched his head or feet or arm, but he just stayed completely relaxed and laid back the whole hour. Finding toys that he enjoyed playing with and acting like we did this every day.

At many different times Babysitter expressed how impressed she was with him, asking if he was always like this, to which I started crying again. . .yes, he's easy. . .so what's wrong with me, why can't I do it?!

She said that typically the firstborns are the hardest, neediest, slowest to adjust children -- especially if they've never been with a stranger in these 11 months like Logan. . .but Logan didn't seem that way at all. Thank God, though, because knowing me if Logan had so much as frowned for a second or acted even a fraction uncomfortable I probably would have told her we were changing our mind. But instead, he was so happy and interested in everyone & everything, and when we came home he was in a good mood, like he was thanking me for our little outing. He seems to really like new experiences. It made me wonder if "security" is also part something we are born with? I mean, obviously if you grow up in a bad environment you're not going to be secure, but many parents can attest to having several children and noticing from day one that one or more are needier or more sensitive than another/others. Therefore, maybe certain children are more succeptable to being insecure and need more to get secure, just as sometimes there are the rare, amazing & impressive people who despite a bad environment come out on top - maybe they have an extra dose of security that helped them when their environment didn't.

As I look back at Logan's first year, noticing how he didn't care for the baby bjorn or baby wearing, or me holding him in my arms for long periods, how he was very adaptable to both the breast & bottle (and never even needed his milk warm), how he weaned himself from the pacifier on his own at 4 months, how he weaned himself on his own from breastfeeding at 9 months, how aside from one day at 9 months old with Joe's mom he has never shown the slightest concern with anyone different watching him (especially at my parents house the past two weekends for 48 hrs), how he refuses to have a security object, how he has always only wanted to sleep alone and doesn't want any help getting there. . .it sure does appear that he was born with a sense of his own security. So I just PRAY PRAY PRAY that he will keep that as he "goes out into the world."

I know that children change all of the time, so I hope I'll be able to differentiate between what I know are typical behaviors that he will have no matter what (even though they are negative) and those that he's picking up from daycare. I want him to stay my little Logan who is so angelic. . .is this impossible? Are kids better behaved and more secure if they don't go to daycare until 3, 4, or 5 years old? Are they less easily to be influenced the older they are when first brought into this environment -- i.e. does putting him in this environment now mean that he's going to completely change into someone else than who he'd be otherwise because he's going to learn to be aggressive rather than sweet and gentle? Or, is it harder for kids the later they go? Will he have more separation anxiety from home & mom, and issues being on his own, fear towards other kids. . .? Or does it not really matter at all? Will he be who he'll be regardless of these two half-days a week? I wish I could find research on this because I don't know. . .and like with everything else I've ever blogged about, I just want to do the best thing I can for my son.

From my own experience, being in daycare and at several babysitters houses, was not a positive experience. So I was 100% against it as an option for my kids until this year in 2009! Daycare is where I got picked on for the first time, nearly died when a boy at the pool tried to drown me, and unlike the stereotype -- it did not make me more social. I started off that way and then as the years went by I went more in a shell. But, that brings me back to the whole topic I discussed with my counselor -- that doesn't have to be Logan's experience. He will still be spending the majority of his days with me. That means Joe & I will have the most influence. So hopefully I will stay open to this rather than becoming against it again! It'd be nice if this can end up working for the next few years with both of my children (whenever #2 arrives).

On a final note, I mentioned Logan's brachial cleft fistula to Babysitter and what a coincidence - her daughter has it in her ear and one of her sons has it in another place that I didn't know you could get it: his butt! She said that the holes always drained & got infected while they were growing up, but the doctor told them the ear is too risky to have surgery on because it can mess up the nerves and change the face. (I remember our ENT saying the same thing - they usually don't bother to do surgery in the ear since it's not as serious, the procedure itself is actually a lot scarier.) The butt one has been an anoyance for her son but hasn't caused any problems. I told her I was glad to know there's another place I should look on my next child aside from the ear & neck, lol.

One of the 4-year-olds was funny, he asked, "Is Logan a baby?" I said, "Yes." He said, "When is he going to grow up?" I think he was disappointed that he wouldn't have someone to run around with, haha. They all did seem to like him, though, and Babysitter said that when the 3 girls start coming (which are the only kids he will be with on a Tues or Thurs) they will love playing with him because they all want to be teachers and so they play "school" and sing and dance.

The vibe I get is that this is a good idea and it will be a positive experience so I hope that I am right. SIGH. By the way, today Logan turned 11 months old!!!!

10.5 Months Old!

This was originally written on Thursday, March 5, 2009:

I admit that when I used to hear women say, "If I was a stay at home mom, I'd go insane" or "I tried being a stay at home mom but had to stop because I was going insane" -- I thought they were being dramatic. Definitely exaggerating. Even making an excuse to not put their children first priority so they could be selfish instead. Don't get me wrong, I've always believed that everyone's "best" is different -- i.e. it is obvious that some women are definitely better moms if they work full-time, others if they work part-time, and others if they stay at home. . .and there are many who don't even have the choice from one to another, so I don't think anyone should feel pressured to do one over the other. We are all not meant to work full-time, part-time, or stay at home. My point is that I thought I'd have absolutely no problem being the latter. I've always REALLY WANTED to be a stay at home mom. That has always been what's fit me and still makes sense for me to do. It also seems best for my son. However, it is starting to take a toll on my mental health. I actually do feel like I'm losing my sanity! I was mistaken for thinking it was a joke when other women said this -- it's actually real.

Since I want to always keep Logan as my first priority -- meaning, I want to stay aware of how I'm the best mom to him so that I can always be -- I am making some major changes to my life this month. Right now he's still happy and content, but if I continue the way I'm going then I'm afraid he won't be. While I give genetics (nature) 80% of why his personality has been so cheerful and easy the past 10.5 months, I believe that switches by the time our lives are over and therefore 80% of who we are ends up being because of environment (nurture).

So, we've started the ball rolling for Logan to go to an at-home daycare one day a week to see if my getting a break will help. Unfortunately, I didn't realize how hard it was going to be. Joe and I made a "top ten" from our town's license list, but so far everyone we've heard from is full! At first I was pleased that they weren't trying to make an extra buck, and they know their limit, since Logan is just one day a week (work-wise they wouldn't notice a difference the other four days), also they can't be horrible if that many other parents are sending their children there. But then the last woman I talked to said she does have openings, just not for part-time. So now I wonder if they just don't like the idea of one day a week because then they have to find someone else willing to do just 4 days. But I just can't do more than one day at this time, then I'd go insane because I wasn't with Logan!

The first woman I e-mailed was the one I mentioned in my Brachial Cleft Fistula Surgery Over! post who I got a good vibe from -- who lives in my neighborhood and was featured on our news and has a website. She seemed nice through e-mail and gave me a link to a website similar to the one I posted in my last blog that allows you to find the best match for what you need, and has screenings, references, etc. Once again you have to pay, though. (This one is www.sittercity.com)

There is still Logan's friend Jaxson's babysitter (her price of $3.50 an hr is the average price around here, so I have no complaints with that) but the problem is that she's not in our neighborhood -- she's 15 minutes out of our way. So since there were 4 other women just two minutes away from our house, I e-mailed three and called one. I'm currently waiting to hear back from two of the e-mails.

None do I know anything about, other than they are licensed & certified and sound good on paper. So, whenever I find one with a part-time opening I will set up an interview. . .my cousin-in-law gave me some great suggestions for the interview process. Hopefully one of the remaining 7 from our list will work, and then Logan can start going in April.

Because, it occurred to me yesterday that I can only count minutes since Logan was born when I've actually had time all by myself --that means absolutely no one else around (so probably only when I'm in my car)! I was raised as an only child so it feels unnatural and uncomfortable for me to have someone around me every single minute of every single day. I just need one day to myself when I can clean or run errands or work on my novel or just take a nap! I've taken less than 5 naps since Logan was born (yes, even during his newborn phase). Right now he's taking a nap but I have to use this time to blog because it's a need of mine (similar to water & food) to get all of this out.

I admit a part of me feels guilty for "needing" to send Logan some place one day a week. I love him so much and I enjoy being around him more than anything!!!! I know those have nothing to do with each other but I just look at the stay at home moms who can do it and I feel like a failure (my neighbor, hello, has three kids and her husband is in the military so he's gone several months of the year! Guess what? She wants to have another! Her family lives in Utah so she has no help.) Maybe I had unrealistic expectations, but never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I'd be in this place. But I am getting comfortable with the new idea and feel good about it. This way I can continue to be a stay at home mom.

Joe and I have been doing as much of our own investigating as we can. I recently signed up on Facebook - I really don't like it and am not sure how long I will be staying, but it came in handy last night! We put 20 names from the license website in the search box and over half of them came up!!! Not only that, but only two had private pages, which meant we were able to read everything on everybody else's pages and look at all of their pictures. I'm sure they wouldn't be happy to know that we weeded a lot of people out that way! I mean, it sounds kind of bad to say that we cut some based on their pictures -- and some of the women were taken off the list because the husbands looked weird. I know they could easily be nice guys and other "normal looking" husbands could end up being the psychos -- but we had to start somewhere. Like, one of the women we found on Facebook is who I mentioned last time because of a sign in my neighborhood, but now I don't have to bother calling her. . .in all of the pictures of her husband, he and his friends were always making hand signs of guns. On the flip side, five of our top ten were because we DID like their Facebook pages -- they looked like decent people and we liked what they wrote!

I also think once spring is officially here that will help as well because then I can take Logan outside on a daily basis rather than be cooped up in our boring house all day. Because it's not that he's gotten difficult (in fact, "month ten" goes into his "best months category" because he hasn't been fussy at all); Logan has always been an easy child. The problem is that he is a healthy, normal 10.5 month old, haha! This means he's not meant to be sat in a corner by himself all day -- he needs me to be constantly playing with him, entertaining him, keeping him stimulated, feeding him a bottle - or solid food - or snacks - or just a drink of water. . .which has made me like a gas tank always on E, yet someone keeps trying to drive the car!

Despite most people feeling more ready for another baby as time goes by, I get more scared to have another one because I think if THIS is draining then what if I have a difficult child next -- or just an average one?! Not to mention, even two easy children are harder than one.

I have never taken Logan for granted. He's a far cry from the visual I previously imagined of having a baby. There have been less than ten times in these nearly eleven months when I wasn't able to get him to immediately stop crying the second he started (milk has ALWAYS done the trick since he was born). Only five nights since he was two weeks old were we ever awake for more than 5 minutes in the middle of the night, or had trouble getting him to go to bed or take a nap by just placing him in his crib. And, aside from having the brachial cleft fistula, he's never had any health issues -- best of all, having the brachial cleft never actually affected him. Only once was he constipated (when he was 4 months old) and he never had acid reflux or gas or any other super common issues most all babies deal with. 99% of the time he is smiling and content. Even when there was that month last fall when he wasn't wanting to take a nap, since then he has consistently taken a 2.5 hr nap every single day.

Despite all of this, I can't keep up!!!!!!! Every day I feel like I've been run over by a bus and I cry at the drop of a hat. I do nothing else with myself except take care of him. I swore before I became a mom that I was going to always do something for myself every day. . .but I didn't realize how much energy it would take! It's a cycle because when you're depressed you have no energy, but having no energy (and thus not being productive) makes you feel depressed.

I had hoped that once Logan had his surgery, this darkness that's been surrounding me since late January would go away. I don't know if it's my hormones out of whack since stopping the breastfeeding, but I have never been like this in my life. Sure, I've felt depressed plenty of times since junior high -- but never every single minute, every single day, every single week for no real reason. . .and it only seems to be getting worse. Don't worry, I haven't wanted to commit suicide (the thought of Logan losing me, or me being a part from Logan, is more than I can take) nor have I worried about hurting him (he's the only thing that makes me smile, and even in my depression I tell him how cute he is and how much I love him and how wonderful he is) -- but it's serious enough that Joe doesn't recognize me right now.

I haven't been able to go to my therapist that I mentioned who I see in my post, The Fussy Baby Book, because our insurance only had a certain amount of appts. they would pay for and those were used up so we have been trying to get them to agree for me to continue in 2009. The last time I went in January, my counselor said that we could check my hormone levels, but she's not going to sugar-coat it: if I need progesterone (which I wrote about in my post, My Son's 5th Month), it takes three months for it to work and it still might not, so then they'd switch me to a different dose which also takes time to work. I should have started the process last fall of getting my blood work done and supplementing progesterone (or whatever hormone is messed up) when this option was first brought to my attention (back when I felt myself go from being on a "high" Logan's first 4 months to "normal" the next 4 until 2 months ago then I went to "down"). Now I don't have the time and patience or even the motivation to try and come out of this on my own. She said that anti-depressants are an appropriate temporary solution for me in the meantime. I've always been too scared to consider them, but after the past couple of weeks I see that I need a quick fix so that I can start putting one foot in front of the other and then hopefully the changes I'm making will help me feel better and I can go off the pills. I know many people who are either on them now or have used them in the past and never had any negative problems, in fact, just the opposite (they consider them the best decision they ever made). So, I called my OBGYN yesterday and Joe picked me up a prescription for LexaPro; I've taken one pill but it says it could take up to 4 weeks before they start working.

Anyway, aside from the half-update I gave in my post, Brachial Cleft Fistula Surgery Over!, it's been a month-and-a-half since I wrote a full update, so I'm going to do that now!

Let's see. . .in January I talked about Logan having nightmares and night terrors. The good news is that he hasn't had any since my post, The Conclusion of Fussiest Week, so I'm hoping his brain is growing out of them now. (Fingers crossed.) Ever since he turned 9 months old he still sleeps every single night 11 hrs with no interruptions (8 pm to 7 am).

As for the peeing, we decided to try Huggie's Goodnight Diapers because I wasn't able to keep up with washing his mattress pad and sheets every single day, but guess what? The little guy is still peeing on himself! I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or not that he doesn't wake up anymore -- we just find him drenched a few mornings each week. :/ The only tip we have left to try is using TWO diapers at once. . .seriously?!

His 7th tooth never fully popped up! I had seen the bud in January so I expected it to come in that week. . .but his teeth decided to take a break because he's still at 6. Despite him having surgery and my crappy mood, he has been really good during month 10. I can't think of a single bad hour he's had. His recovery from the surgery was amazing. I've had anesthesia twice in my life and didn't feel back to normal for two weeks afterwards. For Logan it was seriously like nothing happened. He was so happy and content and active afterwards -- it was apparent he had no clue that we did anything other than go somewhere in public that day where he was able to play with toys!

We took off the bandage 24 hrs later and at first I thought that was going to be bad because it was taped really tight & secure -- it made someone getting waxed look like a breeze. But with the first corner, Logan jerked his body and his hand came up and helped us rip the tape off super fast! We had a bottle ready and we stuck it in his mouth so he never even cried. Whew.

Now it's been two weeks and it looks like he has a cut on his neck, but that is it! We have an appt. with the ENT today to make sure the incision is healing well. Each day it gets less and less red, so it doesn't look infected or like there have been any post-surgery problems. After today we will be done with the ENT and brachial cleft stuff forever!

He's 23.5 lbs now & 30 inches, so back up in the 90th percentile with both. Since I didn't start buying formula until January I didn't realize how quickly he would go through it. It is expensive! Yet another reason why I hope my next child breastfeeds easily until they're a year old! Half the time he finishes stage 3 foods now, the other half of the time just stage 2. Otherwise, he likes his puffs for snacks and organic mum mums (rice cakes), and I'll give him bites of our food, but he doesn't seem ready to eat our actual meals yet. So imagine Joe & my reaction when Stacy (Jaxson's mom) called me one day and said that Jaxson was full because last night they'd gone our for pizza and he'd had two slices and then that night they'd gone out for Mexican and he'd had chicken fingers and french fries! Wow!!!!!!!!!!

The first weekend after my last "update" blog, my parents came over January 25th before they left for a trip to Key West. We met for lunch at Jason's Deli and then went to Nebraska Furniture Mart because they wanted to buy us two twin beds for our second guest room (what will end up being Logan's room once baby #2 arrives). We also looked for final decor for our living/dining room (the rooms I'd been working on decorating since my 9 Months Old (Next Week) post when I mentioned I'd finished my first room: our downstairs bathroom) but couldn't find a table/stand for our entry way exactly like what we want, so that room is still not finished. . .but hopefully soon and then I can move on to our other rooms :)

That week I had a massage which was very nice, although I haven't been able to go since because she had to have surgery so hopefully soon I can start going twice a month again because those make a positive difference for me, too!

I also finally had our carpet cleaned (something that kept getting postponed) so it was comforting to me since Logan lives on the floor these days, haha.

Between Jan & Feb there were some nice weather days that I was able to take Logan for a walk which was great, we hadn't been since the fall. And I went scrapbooking at my neighbor Jenn's house once. My other neighbor, Brenda, also scrapbooks and sells supplies so she came over a couple of evenings and played with Logan and I bought two punchers from her.

I also found my black maternity pants!!!! I doubt anyone remembers, but back when I was pregnant I was so frustrated because after Christmas I could not find my one pair of maternity "dress pants." I'd only worn them a couple of times and couldn't figure out where in the world they'd gone. It was a bummer because they hadn't been cheap and they wouldn't do me any good if they turned up after I was done ever being pregnant. Well one day I went to wear a shirt that apparently I hadn't worn in an entire year, because when I took it off the hanger there my pants were underneath! I had searched my closet and clothes up & down the past year, but somehow missed them. I'm not sure why they were on that particular hanger since the shirt never would have been worn with those pants, but at least I found them for my next pregnancy!

A couple of funny things Logan started doing that month: shouting when the dogs bark (I don't know whether he's trying to join in or if he's mimicking me yelling at them to stop, haha) and banging his head against the wall. The latter one I'm trying not to react to because otherwise it's going to upset me! I've seen horror stories of toddlers hurting themselves when they're mad and I don't want this to be something Logan does. Right now he only does it when he's happy & playing. . .Joe and I don't know why -- usually he doesn't hurt himself, but every now and then he'll look at us, shocked, like, "owe that hurt." You think?!

Last fall I wrote that for a couple of months Logan shivered for no reason, which we learned was a sign of babies brains developing. That had stopped by the winter, as expected, although sometimes he shivers because he's cold (teeth chattering) which is cute, but it's always during a time when it doesn't feel cold to Joe & me!

The first day of February I hosted a baby shower for my first of three friends due in April, Heather. She's who threw my shower last year. The wives of Joe's other former co-workers, Lisa, Sarah, and Sara, came and we ate food, played games, and had a really good time. I got to meet Lisa and Sarah's babies for the first time (Elijah was born the end of October and Riley was born mid-November so they were 2.5 & 3 months old).

That week our builder and construction guys came over to look at & fix our stairway railing (thank God). That weekend (Saturday, Feb. 7th) I went to the shower of my third friend who is due in April, Brooke. (The second one is Melissa who lives in Arizona so unfortunately I couldn't make her shower.) That, too, was a lot of fun!

On Sunday, Feb. 8th I mentioned in my last update blog is when Logan had a playdate with Jaxson. That week (the 12th) he had an appt. with the ENT to make sure he was okay for surgery (which obviously he was)! I started my period that day and had cramps like I did in November (which were not as bad as pre-Logan but still bad enough to take an ibuprofen, unlike in Oct, Dec & Jan).

Thursday, February 12th was also the day that my friend Chris had her precious baby boy!!!! She called me from the hospital and told me her complete labor story. She had a successful hypnobirthing experience! I'm so excited that I now know five people personally who have done this. She sure gets kudos, WOW -- her labor started on Tuesday! We were actually supposed to get together that day because she'd started her maternity leave the week before, even though Gregory wasn't due until the 20th. But she called and said she'd gotten her bloody show that morning! Two days later, at 12:40AM, her six pound baby made his appearance! He came out sunny side up just like Logan so she is happy she didn't have to have a c-section, especially since her pushing phase was almost 3 hrs. Poor little guy had jaundice like Logan, but thankfully not as bad. I can't wait to meet him.

On Saturday (Valentine's Day) I decided to try one last time to have my hair colored red. Third time was not a charm. It faded after 48 hrs into the worst color ever but I'm done coloring my hair. Apparently some people's hair just won't do red and mine seems to be one of them.

I, did, however finally celebrate the end to my breastfeeding by buying myself a sexy bra :) I actually wanted to get an entire new wardrobe, but only got as far as the underwear and then it was time to go home. So, that's on tap for the future.

I've figured out why all of a sudden I like to shop when for my first 29 years I didn't. It's because it used to be more work and take more energy than just being at home. But now being at home is more work and energy, lol. Going shopping is actually a break!

In my last update blog I talked about how the last time I pumped was January 31st. The first thing I did was (not all at once) have myself one big glass of wine (my third alcohol in almost two years), a ceaser salad, tuna fish, some blue cheese, and began drinking cherry coke again (my only source of caffeine since I don't drink coffee. Cherry Coke was limited while I was pregnant and nursing but now I drink it whenever I want!)

I also exercised a few times between Jan & Feb, but not enough -- I'm now up 3 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight, which means I've gained EIGHT pounds since I stopped breastfeeding! :( Even though I'm not eating as much in quantity, nor am I eating as much sugar/desserts as I was before. I haven't done so well keeping my new year's resolution of making homemade meals every single day, but I have a few times and I'm also eating more fruits & vegetables and less processed stuff. (Same for Joe, no more problems with diverticulitis.) So there is no doubt breastfeeding is what took my baby weight off because now it's coming back on!

Joe and I went out to eat for Valentine's Day (something we only do once a month now) to La Mesa Mexican Restaurant, but have decided we're not going to eat there anymore. We used to really like it, but every time we've gone in the past year I haven't enjoyed it, so there are plenty of other Mexican places in our area to eat at from now on instead.

Otherwise, we didn't do much -- I gave Joe a little football shaped box of chocolates and a card.

On Sunday I went with Lisa, Sarah, and Sara to see He's Just Not That Into You which was really good! It was definitely what I needed that week. I can't wait to get together with them this weekend for scrapbooking (I've only been twice since Logan was born) as well as next week we're going to another movie.

Logan's surgery was that Thursday, Feb. 19th and then Stacy, Matt, and Jaxson came over that weekend to give Logan a gift for making it through his surgery, which was very nice!

My parents came over on Thursday, February 26th for the rescheduled concert you might remember me telling you about in my post, 7 Months Old! -- we were going to go to the Celine Dion concert. Joe ended up staying home with Logan (because when Celine had to cancel three months ago we were able to get a full refund for him so that way didn't have to worry about a babysitter). I had an excellent time. We had awesome seats and she was amazing. I couldn't believe how "real" she seemed. You would think that someone who has been in the business since she was 13 would be a diva. But she was so sincere and acted like an "every day" person. She talked to us, had Las Vegas dancers, and sang from her heart. (And somehow changed her clothes before every song!)

I've never cried at a concert before. . .I used to work in radio so I've been to my share, but I kept feeling tears around my eyes that night! Not just because she's so incredibly talented (I don't care whether you like her or not, you can't argue!), but I realized it's because she's one of the only singers I've listened to through so many different times in my life! I actually haven't listened to her for awhile so I was really grateful to be "brought back."

I first became "introduced" to her in 1996 when "Because You Loved Me" came out. Here's where I blush: it's because my friend and I used to call up a radio station and dedicate songs to the guys we had crushes on! One night I called too late and so the DJ was putting everyone at the end on the same song which happened to be the first time I ever heard "Because You Loved Me." I decided I really liked it and so that would be "my song" with the guy. (Oh my) So twice when that song played at our school dances I asked him to dance! (Oh my) I'd listen to the song in my room, staring out the window, looking at the stars and dreaming of what it must be like to be in love. (Oh my) Well, I never found love with that particular guy, but that song still makes me feel young & naive again.

In college, when I got my heart broken for the first time, I bought as many of Celine's CDs as I could and listened to her "decade of songs" album over & over. "That's The Way It Is" was my favorite, and brings back more mature feelings. Since those days, I fell in love with Joe, got married, and have come a long way from both the high school girl who swooned over a guy she couldn't have, and then the college girl who was bitter after dating several jerks. So I realize that Celine Dion represents the wide spectrum for me, of emotions I've gone through from age 16 to 29!

The next night Friday, February 27th, my parents watched Logan while Joe and I stayed in a hotel with a jacuzzi. It was really great to have a date with him. Joe's been having to work late the past month so between that and having a baby it's hard to find any time to talk these days.

My parents left on Saturday and not much has happened this week except that I feel I'm coming down with something. :( I thought it was too good to be true that I didn't catch anything this winter. Aside from a cold in September, it's been over a year since I've had a virus. Hopefully it won't be anything bad.

I took Logan outside today to play for the first time. He seemed stunned at how hard/scratchy the driveway was but enjoyed watching the other kids playing on our street and I also pushed him around on his car. My neighbor Jenn was outside with her three kids so we chatted, I hadn't talked to her since January but hope to start coming over again for scrapbooking soon.

Logan is not walking yet but I think he could if he wanted. He can go from a seated position and actually stand up on his own (without holding on to anything) and then stand indefinitely. When he does hold on to something he can run around at a very fast pace, hardly touching. But when I try to take away whatever he's holding on to, he gives me a funny grin like, "You're silly if you think I'm going to walk on my own!" On several occasions he's taken one step on his own but then falls to the ground the second his foot hits. I was 11 months when I took my first steps, Joe was 9 months. (Joe was 6 for crawling; I was 9; Logan was 7) So I think it will be soon!

The Fussy Baby Book

This was originally written on Monday, January 19, 2009:

(*NOTE: Even though I read this book during Logan's 9th month, and the book has helpful tips through the age of five, I only recommend this book for parents with babies 6 months & younger. If your baby is older than that and has usually been easy but suddenly seems fussy - relax, it is likely they are just going through a phase that will pass!!! That was the case for my son when I wrote this post - whew!)

I just finished reading a SUPER GOOD BOOK. In a future post, I'm going to devote an entire page to this book (Update: you can find it HERE). The book is called The Fussy Baby Book by William Sears, M.D. and Martha Sears, R.N. It is the book I mentioned after Christmas that I received from Joe's mom. As I've said before, Logan isn't a fussy baby but "month 7" was my hardest and least favorite of all of his months. One day I was so overwhelmed because I had absolutely no idea what was making Logan fussy that day or how to get him to return to normal. Believe it or not, I hadn't ever read any actual parenting books and I was confused with all of the conflicting information I'd been hearing from others, on TV, and reading in magazines & on the internet. Just like when I was pregnant, that's what prompted me to finally take charge and figure it all out for myself what I wanted and what worked best for us.

So, when Sandi asked for another Christmas idea for me, inbetween Logan's cries that day I googled, "best parenting book"--and this was one that came up. Of course since it was a "bad day," that's why my eyes focused on this title over the others. Without even reading anything about it (other than seeing it had been rated highly), I added it to my Christmas list. Thankfully, Logan didn't have any fussy days after that (his 8th month was one of my favorites as I said in my last post)--but he has the past few days as he's transitioned into "month 9." So, on Saturday I picked up The Fussy Baby Book . . .and couldn't put it down! I lost count of how many times I said, "This is such a good book!"

Until now I've been doing everything on an instinctual basis which is exactly what the book teaches a mother to do. The reason why I thought Logan was easy during his first three months is because I had no information in my head--I was just using my heart. Once he was about 4 months old and went on to a more active phase, I froze and assumed I needed to look elsewhere for help. But what a lot of society is doing doesn't fit for Logan and me, and so I've kind of done a dance since then--where I'm still doing whatever seems right to me at the time but then second guessing it later. It's easier to get overwhelmed if you're insecure.

Well I can tell you there will be no second-guessing anymore! I have the most trusted, respected, and famous pediatricians in America on my side (the same family who wrote The Vaccine Book; I first made reference to it in my post titled 4 Months Old, and another son is currently on the show The Doctors) as well as countless studies and research provided in the book. I love the new confidence I feel with being a mother after reading this book in just 48 hrs (that amount of time is a huge deal nowadays).

For one, it confirms so many things that I've already been naturally doing "right," and has given me knowledge and encouragement in the areas where I wasn't sure.

The reason why I put the word right in quotes is because that means right for me--not necessarily right for everyone. That's why I like this book because the main message is to do what works best for you & your baby. Of course they state very clear their ideas of what is typically best for all babies, but they also know that some babies & parents aren't going to fit--and that's okay. There are a couple of things which they promoted didn't/doesn't work for Logan & me (co-sleeping and baby wearing would have had to be forced for us which means it wasn't meant to be)--but 98% of their view clicks like a last missing puzzle piece!

I've written a few posts where I've talked about "attachment parenting" (Preparing For Brachial Cleft Fistula Surgery, My Son's Fifth Month, and Giving Sleeping Plan A Try )--this book is 100% pro attachment parenting. I also mentioned after Christmas that I'd asked for & received Becoming Baby Wise. I am going to read that one now, too, just to get a different perspective--but it sounds like it may be the complete opposite approach. If that's true, then I'll probably be throwing my copy away because nothing has ever felt so right and so good than following the advice found in The Fussy Baby Book. Best of all, I've been in so much better spirits when Logan has been "fussy" this week because so many things make sense to me now. I've often heard that we learn things at exactly the right time--and that's how I feel right now. I think this was the perfect time for me to read this book.

While it is especially geared towards "high-need babies" (which thankfully most days Logan isn't), I think all parents can benefit because what baby/child is never fussy? That is why I wanted this book--I wanted tips on how to cope & deal with the days I find parenting hard--but I also received just regular day-to-day parenting stuff. Apparently a lot of the same information is found in The Baby Book, so I plan to read that Sears book in the future as well. (They have a ton of books, which can be found here: AskDrSears.com)

Oprah had a show back in September about the common problem of mothers overworking themselves (in The Fussy Baby Book they call it "mother burnout")--she actually had on sad stories of how this can be fatal (one mom accidentally left her baby in the hot car and it died, another baby nearly choked, etc.) Lately I've started feeling like I'm on my way to getting burned out for the first time (there have only been two other times in Logan's life that I even felt like I needed a break; the first being August and the second being November) but I have been pushing past this normal and unavoidable feeling--but thankfully I've now stopped myself so that it won't interfere with my job as a mom. Just doing little things like getting my massage, going shopping, and reading have had an amazing effect!

The reason why "month 7" was my hardest is because I felt like a sponge that had all of the water squeezed out and yet kept being squeezed. But the thought of handing Logan off to someone while I got my battery recharged made me feel worse! I'd never had a situation where I was stressed out and had given all I had, but didn't want to quit. Things have always been good for me or bad for me--not both at the same time! This is not saying being a stay at home mom is bad for me (I actually think it's the best and healthiest and most "right fit" job I've ever had) but doing anything in a bubble over and over and over can turn something positive into something negative.

Many days I do feel I'm in a bubble. I have a great therapist who I've been going to a couple times a month since December 2006; she said I'm not meant to do all of this on my own. For centuries in all cultures raising a child was a family thing. You could call on up to 20 people to help you at any time because they were either in the same house or next door! You really didn't do any "motherly" things alone. Just in the past 50 years the norm changed--but people still lived in the same cities/towns as their family. So, once again, most had help easiy. Only recently are the majority living too far from their families for daily or weekly help. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this is a bad thing. . .I can't see my mom & I getting along if she lived down the street. :p But it does present a lot of challenges.

Just as, even though 5.5 million moms in America (or 42% of those with kids Logan's age) are staying at home nowadays, the only one I know here is my neighbor Jenn. I know that being a mom is hard regardless of whether you're at home or not, but sometimes I can't help but longingly look at them and wish some days I could just drop Logan off at a babysitter's! (We've never had a babysitter of any kind yet.) My therapist said that they are two completely different experiences. While full-time moms do have more help, there are difficult situations I can't identify with and vice versa. Fortunately, 99% of the time I love this "set up" and wouldn't want it any other way. But now I AM ready and okay with someone taking Logan a couple of hours a week (my compromise so that I'm still getting to spend every day with him but a couple of hours will give me some moments to regroup).

Although. . .now a babysitter might be hard, as it appears Logan's in the first stages of separation anxiety. Joe's mom stayed with us for a few days and although he was fine being alone with her at Christmas, this time when she took care of him so that I could go shopping or sleep in, he was fussy. :( One morning he kept screaming and so I came into the room and then he stopped like a light switch! It didn't matter what I did (I could completely ignore him), as long as he saw me. If I tried to casually walk behind the wall, he'd cry again. I know there's no way to avoid this phase, which does typically begin around 9 months old (I read that babies don't realize they're a separate person right now--they think they're one with their mom) but I hope that it won't be bad since he's used to just me all day, every day at home with him.

Since I last wrote, we made an appt. with the ENT for Thursday the 12th, exactly a week before his surgery.

I'm still nursing and there haven't been any problems with that the past week, so I'm like the little train who could. . ."I think I can, I think I can" (make it to Logan's surgery).

Not much happened on Tues or Wed of last week, except that on Tuesday I started my period with only one day of MILD cramps (so although not 100% painfree like in October & December, better than before I was pregnant) and on Wednesday I had my first massage since the first week of November and it was lovely!!!! I'm going back again next week.

Joe's mom came on Thursday and I finally got my driver's license renewed (it had expired on my birthday). When Joe came home we went to get me a new cell phone. My first was in 2002, my second in 2004, my third in 2006, and now my fourth in 2009. I hated the one I'd had the past two-and-a-half years because everyone always sounded muffled, but I never got around to upgrading it (we have a landline so I usually just talk on that). So I've been loving my new one!

Back at home Sandi fixed us supper, as well as Friday's breakfast and supper, and that evening Joe & I went to the movie theater! :) I really wanted to see Revolutionary Road; I'd heard a lot about it since it won several awards, but it wasn't playing here so I'll have to wait until the DVD. Instead we saw Valkyrie, which was good except I forgot the story doesn't have a happy ending. :/

Thursday & Friday Logan ate puffs. We were really proud becuase it was the first time he'd ever fed himself flawlessly (and he didn't gag--he actually indicated that he wanted more).

Unfortunately, the past five nights Logan has gotten up FOUR times during a ten hour night (something he hasn't done FOREVER). Not only that, but it's been with a SCREAM and he won't settle back down for a good ten minutes (something else that is really rare). Today he even woke up in the middle of his two hour nap (which yesterday and today he didn't take until 3 pm, making it the only one of the day).

We haven't been able to pinpoint a reason for this behavior. He doesn't appear to be sick or in pain. . . more like something keeps scaring him! All days since Wednesday he's been "high-need" and a couple of them he had dark red cheeks (a sign of an allergic reaction). I did start an organic formula the first day this happened (last Wed) so I haven't used it since (now we've bought what our pediatrician gave us when Logan had jaundice--Similac Advance, what all the samples were that Logan had been on off & on the past 9 months), but while he was better today than any of the prevous days, he isn't back to normal.

I also used Oragel on Wednesday because for the first time he reacted to a tooth coming in. The sixth one that we'd been waiting for (his left canine) popped through that day (January 14th). Until now, I've always given him Hyland's Hoemopathic Teething Tablets at the first sign of fussiness and they've always seemed to work because we can count on one hand how many entire fussy days Logan has had since he was born! But that day nothing seemed to work. I tried all of the natural remedies but it was apparent that the tooth was causing him pain--so we tried Oragel. . .but not anymore since.

Today I made sure to eat boring foods for my breastmilk (although he's never been sensitive to my breastmilk or foods I've eaten before) and there has been nothing different around him or in his system so we will see how tonight goes. I'm glad we have his 9 month check-up on Wednesday just to make sure nothing's wrong. I do remember our pediatrician saying that "month 9" is very common for relapses in sleep because they are noticing their surroundings and understanding that they are alone for the first time, so maybe that's all it is. (Which makes sense since this is also the first week he's ever shown signs of separation anxiety during the day.) I also read in The Fussy Baby Book that often babies at this age develop anemia; he has refused his rice cereal the past month but I was hoping he was getting enough iron since we started feeding him formula every day. However I've noticed him looking pale in his pictures which is a sign (as well as fussiness) so I'm glad they'll be checking his blood for that as well.

Anyway, Sandi stayed until Saturday night and then yesterday was Logan's nine month birthday! On a sad note, today 8 years ago Joe's dad died.

Chris is relieved that her baby turned back to the proper position--with four weeks to go! Yeay!

A couple of interesting "new mom" moments that I have never mentioned occured last month when I was at my grandma's 95th birthday. One, I learned how complete strangers will think they know more about your baby then you do. This was the day before Logan crawled and so we had him on the floor encouraging him. As you know, Logan has always made it very clear when something is bothering him. His leg was caught under him but he was happy at trying to crawl so I wasn't going to mess with him. A lady there was like, "His leg is bothering me." I told her it was okay, he was fine. But 30 seconds later she said, "I'm going to move his leg" and then just reached down and pulled it out from under him! This made him start crying -- I was so annoyed! He'd been perfectly happy until she'd done that! I didn't show it, though, I just scooped him up and said it was time for him to eat--just so I could take him to a different room away from her.

I was also surprised that people will just do what they want with him, without asking me. I guess I assumed that when it came to feeding him anything I would be consulted. As I said last time, we have not fed Logan adult food yet. I know a lot of moms have by this point but our doctor said not until his 9 month check-up and we've honored that. From what I've read, there's really no reason to feed him anything other than milk and baby food, so why rush it when we have our whole life ahead of us? But I guess this is really late for mothers "years ago" and so older generations want me to get goin'. Most respect me when I say, "not yet" but that day Logan was given a bite of regular food without asking me. I didn't say anything because it wasn't anything bad, but once again I was surprised at how other people will just take over so easily with someone else's baby.

The only other thing I wanted to mention today was there was another show aside from those I talked about in my last post that covered a topic I've discussed here--the whole vaccination thing. Private Practice did a show a couple of weeks ago about the dangers of not vaccinating (a mother had a son who was autistic and blamed it on the MMR so she didn't give that shot to her next son and he got measles and died). The fictional show was super scary and made me cry--which was its intent. But I was disappointed that they didn't show the third option--it's not all or nothing! You don't have to vaccinate or not vaccinate. Breaking up the vaccines, or giving the MMR after the age of two, is still protecting our children from deadly diseases if they are exposed--but also protecting from brain & immune disorders. Unfortunately, the show probably installed fear in a lot of people who don't know this and so even if their doctor gives them the option, they will opt for all vaccinations at once.

Our last two appts. have gone well so let's hope the one this week does, too! :)