Logan's First Day

This was originally written on Tuesday, March 24, 2009:

Before I get into today. . .some things I forgot to mention in my last post:

Around 8 months old Logan started to be scared of the vacuum. Prior to then he could care less, but ever since then we've had to hold him in another room because otherwise he gets a horrified look on his face and screams! As soon as we pick him up he is fine; we've been showing him that the vacuum is a "friend." But he isn't comfortable on his own yet when the vacuum is on. When I was growing up my mom had an old-fashioned Kirby that was as loud as a train, so I think I was scared of it until junior high, lol.

Also during his 8th month he was crawling around our bedroom one day and I noticed him playing in a corner trying to fit behind our bed. When I walked over to him, he had a big grin on his face and was laughing and waving something in his right hand.

A wrapped condom.

I guess Logan isn't ready for a brother or sister yet.

Around 10 months old he began turning on & off the TV. For some reason this made him upset. At first I thought it was because he'd push the volume button so the television would get loud, but then he'd cry when he pushed the volume down, as well as turned the channels! I still don't really know why it bothered him, especially since he would look at me before he did it with a worried look on his face because he knew what was going to happen! Then he'd push the button and start crying! He's getting better about it now. . .it seemed to improve around the time we showed him how the light switches worked. In my last post I said that is one of his favorite things right now (seeing the lights turn on & off and being the one to do it)--but the first day he had the same reaction as with the TV, so maybe the idea of having power/being able to control things was a scary concept to him. Maybe until now he thought everything just IS.

Around 10.5 months old he discovered the concept of gravity. So now I can't give him toys when we're out to eat because he'll immediately drop them off his high chair. Whenever we give him anything right now, he throws it. :p

Also around that time he began biting & chewing his food so now we feel comfortable introducing all adult foods. (Last night he had spaghetti for the first time!)

He'll still be mainly eating baby food & formula for another month, but we're going to start replacing one of his bottles with a sippy cup this week to make the transition to no formula/bottles & no baby food next month easier. It's really fun to see him take bites of things and munch, rather than just stuff the whole thing in his mouth and suck or swallow. He's right on track to being able to eat regular-quanity of regular-sized pieces from next month on!

I'm looking forward to not having to hand-wash bottles anymore. I thought it was bad back when I pumped, but I was still breastfeeding a lot so I didn't have as many bottles as I do now (even though Logan eats less often). The sippy cup brands we use are Nuby, Born Free, and Nuk. Apparently those are supposed to be easier for them to transition & use (and are BPA free), although like I said before he's really not doing so well even though we gave him his first (a Gerber) back when he was 6 months old.

And, finally around 10.5 months old he began responding when I'd say, "Please give that to Mommy" when he picks up something that he shouldn't have. I've found this works better than just grabbing it out of his hand (which I used to do and then he'd scream). Now he actually smiles and hands it to me because he likes "communicating." Lately sometimes he'll giggle and try to get me to chase him (like a game), but I'm okay with that because I can secretly get the item out of his hand by distracting him.

Speaking of games, every now & then he'll try and put his pointer finger in my mouth and start laughing because he wants me to pretend to eat it. Silly guy. This works in the car when he's bored (if I'm sitting back there; last month I stopped sitting in the backseat when we're on short trips but I still do long trips) or he likes me singing "99 Bottles of Milk On The Wall," haha. He also likes "This Old Man," "10 Little Monkeys" and still "Twinkle, Twinkle." The songs that I made up for him back when he was a newborn that I still sing are, "I love Logan" (this always makes him smile, it was just a spontaneous make-up one day so it's nothing special, but it stuck. I use the "Are You Sleeping?" sound to say, "I love Logan, I love Logan, Yes I do, Yes I do, You're my little peanut, You're my little peanut, I love you, I love you.") and "Beautiful Baby" (same situation only it's my own rhythm; it goes "Beautiful baby you are my light, you are the one that I hold very tight. Beautiful baby you are my joy, I am so thankful for my little boy. Beautiful baby, I love you so, I am your mommy your daddy is Joe. Beautiful baby, Logan's your name, time for this song to end before it gets lame!")

It's too bad I had my "freak out" during Logan's "month 10" because it was on his list of good/easy months, but because of me being overwhelmed it's not one I'd freeze in time. Because during "month 10" I had my very first day of actually feeling frustrated with Logan, but I do have to give myself credit because that was better than what I would have thought prior to having a baby (yes, I seriously spent 10 months of staying 110% calm & easy-going/laidback with him no matter what the situation). Even though in August I had my very first moments of feeling stressed as a mother, and my second moments in November, I was able to get rejuvinated immediately. But in January I started to feel a little bit like that again--and was able to distract myself until Logan's surgery. . .however, then it all consumed me/overtook me and so it affected my parenting one day in February, causing me to say "shut up" to Logan which then made me feel awful--but that's what prompted me to get help because although I know it's not realistic to never get mad at him again, I obviously prefer feeling calm and easy-going and in control and able to handle everything in a healthy, happy way as I had been doing his first ten months and after that day since.

My counselor says I was putting unrealistic pressure on myself. She said it's okay to show Logan that I'm not a perfect mom. I don't have to behave "ideally" every second of every day, as long as I'm not abusive or anything (which I know myself enough to know that will never be the case). Even though here I have no trouble writing honestly and openly about every little feeling I have (those who read this blog definitely have an advantage over everyone else because this is the "real me"), I didn't realize that subconcsiously I was afraid that if I showed Logan that I felt worried, or nervous, or scared, or sad, or mad that I was going to ruin Logan's life. It was like I was trying out for "mom of the year" or something - but no one but him & I were around, and he's too young to remember or care right now!

Hopefully I haven't been coming across that I had an awful childhood, because despite the issues from my life which I've mentioned briefly in various posts on this blogsite, I did have love & happiness and do feel I turned out well. :p So, logically I know that Logan can do just fine even if I make mistake after mistake (which I will no matter what), so it's a matter of finding the balance again--i.e. he doesn't need to know every single emotion I feel, but it's okay if he knows his mom isn't always a carefree, happy, have-it-all-together person, lol.

But during his first six months that's really how I felt, and so I think I was also having a hard time adjusting (and accepting myself) to not feeling like that once he started crawling. The first half year of his life, pretty much every day I'd say to Joe, "This really isn't that hard! I think I've found my niche! I am so happy! Our dogs were harder than Logan!" I think part of me knew that wasn't going to last and so I wanted to make sure I said it alound so that I could remember what it was like to feel that way every day.

I think I'm the opposite of most women, though. When talking to others it seems like the average don't like the "prior to 6 months" phase as well as "6 months on." But as I said in my last post, I would have loved if Logan's months prior to #6 had lasted double or triple the amount of time--but even though #8 & #10 were without fussiness, and he's had so many milestones this second half year of his life, I haven't needed to slow down the past few months any.

However, I get the feeling that's changing. Now in "month 11" I'm starting to get sentimental and have a feeling I might not want to let this spring/summer go, anymore than last spring/summer!

When I picked Logan up on Saturday I missed him soooooo much! Joe & I don't feel the need for anymore weekend breaks! My parents will miss him -- they sure enjoyed seeing him 4 weeks in a row, 3 of those being at their house with him! Once again he did fantastic, although his scar developed a pimple(?) and it popped so then it was scabbed over. I was going to call the ENT yesterday but then it healed and looked back to normal--however, this morning I noticed it had a pimple again! So I called them and they said to put some bacitracin ointment on it and if it doesn't go away in a week (or if it gets bigger sooner) then they want to take a look.

On Sunday we met Amber & Josh for lunch at Red Robin. I hadn't seen Amber since my shower last March so it was fun to catch up with them! (She is who I went to a couple of writers group meetings with back in 2007 - according to my search box she was mentioned on my post, Pregnant and Sick; Joe worked with Josh in 2007 which was the first year he started working at his current place of employment).

On Monday I met Chris for lunch at The Summer Kitchen Cafe where I had the best tuna sandwich (melt) of my life. I'd never eaten there before but they had a great menu so I'll be back! (It was the second time Logan has been offered a kid's menu & crayons-the first was last week with Brooke-so that was cute even though we'll wait another month for that.) Chris returns to work this Thursday from maternity leave. She didn't bring her baby yesterday, so I still haven't met the little guy, but they are coming to Logan's 1st birthday in 3.5 weeks!

Chris was sad she had to stop breastfeeding. Her milk supply started decreasing a couple of weeks ago so she took all of the supplements out there, pumped constantly, worked with lactation consultants, etc. Unfortunately then her son stopped latching on, but the final straw was when her doctor told her she must go on medication for an issue she faced prior to being pregnant. (The medication is not healthy for breastfeeding.) I told her she should get a standing ovation for the 5 weeks she did it because I know first hand how incredibly difficult it can be and those 5 weeks count!!!!!

As for today (Tuesday). . .it was Logan's first day with a babysitter. I think I'm getting a taste of what it's going to be like to send my kids to kindergarten for the first time and to college! Yesterday I really considered canceling or at least postponing it another week, because I kept tearing up when I'd think about it, but when Joe asked "why?" I realized I couldn't come up with a single reason, aside from me just wanting to delay the inevitable--Logan being with a stranger for the first time. But he's probably going to do better at this age than a year from now and so on. Just like I said in my post, First Babysitter At 11 Months Old, I'm a firm believer in listening to your gut instinct, and my instinct has continued to say "do it."

We had a tornado yesterday but fortunately didn't have any damage (it was on the ground just miles from us, though, so we went down to our basement after the sirens went off and we got a phone call from the city)! Once the storm was over I went out and got diapers & wipes for the babysitter to keep at her place. I made Logan's little bag and then this morning he woke up at 6:30 because he had a nightmare :( He did that yesterday, too, so I'm glad it was BEFORE the daycare rather than after, however he hadn't had any nightmares/night terrors since January (all of the mornings & after his naps he wakes up laughing & babbling!) so I'm not sure what has prompted him to wake up early both mornings due to something spooking him. At least they haven't occured in the middle of the night. . .his brain must be going on to a new phase again!

I got up with Joe and took a shower, and then Joe left for work at 8 and I took Logan at 8:45 over to Babysitter's. I only stayed for about 5 minutes. . .I didn't want to make a scene about it, I figured me acting laidback would help Logan continue to be, rather than if I got all kissy/huggy & talkative. We just went over the basics and by then Logan had already found some toys to play with and wasn't even looking at me so I just snuck out.

Of course once I got into my car I started crying. It was Logan's first day in the world without me. I'd planned on going to the grocery store but decided to go home first to get some Kleenex :p So I cried for a bit, realized I hadn't eaten breakfast so I had some food, and then I went to my counselor appt. It was a good day to go, lol.

Afterwards it was 11:30 so I grabbed a free sub I had at Blimpie's and by the time I came home to eat it, talked to Joe, and called the ENT's office, it was time to pick Logan up! I can't believe how fast this day went despite me getting up 1.5 hrs earlier than usual.

I arrived to Babysitter's around 12:35. When I had come over that morning I'd heard the almost 4-year-old say, "Is that Logan?" He was really excited to have Logan join him & his brother (the only two on Tues & Thurs until June).

This time when I walked inside I didn't hear anything. . .when I came down the steps and around the corner I saw Babysitter in her chair with a blanket on her shoulder and Logan sleeping. I felt my heart drop a little because I knew that meant he'd been crying.

Sure enough, as soon as I said "hi," he opened his eyes and looked at me and started crying. :( So I started crying. :( I picked him up and he stopped immediately, thankfully.

I asked Babysitter how he did and she said it was very normal. He was fine until he realized I was gone. Even though he'd had about 14 oz. of milk between 6:30-8:30 as well as 1/4 of a stage 3 pears, he had 3 bottles while he was there (one at 9:30, 10:30, and noon, and also lunch at 11:30--adult carrots & peas which he ate all by himself)! He would play for awhile and have fun, but then if she had to leave his side for a second to change the other baby's diaper, or when she went into the kitchen to get lunch he would start crying. She said that is very typical behavior and I should not feel guilty. I guess the reason she had an opening was because she had a little boy for 3 years who just moved to CT and he was there for 12 hrs every day. She said that we remind her of the other little boy & his parents, although I think she thought I was a lot younger than I am because she asked my age and seemed very surprised when I said 29. (She had shown me a collage when we were there last Wed. of the kids over the years and so I saw the other boy & his parents.) Anyway, she said she can tell Logan is going to adjust quickly, and that the 4 hrs two days a week are going to go very fast for him once he gets used to it. She said that I deserve to have some time for myself.

I just wish he had been like at my parents house and not cried. . .there he could have cared less that I wasn't around for 48 hrs! As long as each time we go he improves. If not, then I will have a hard time feeling like I do deserve that time. :( But starting this Thursday Joe is going to take him at 8 and then I'll always pick him up at noon, so that might work better, too, because yesterday & today he wanted to take his nap earlier than the 1:00 he'd been doing lately (because he woke up earlier after the night). As soon as I put him in his carseat to go home, he was sound asleep and continued sleeping even as I took him out and put him in his crib. By the way, my car made a really bad sound the whole way home so I don't know what's wrong with it. Hopefully Joe will be able to figure it out when he gets home! But most of all I hope Logan will be back to his happy self when he wakes up from his nap.

UPDATE: How has Logan been since he woke up from his nap? I think this picture speaks for itself :)
We're on for Thursday!